Posts Tagged ‘list’

For those unfamiliar with the life and times of Jesus of Nazareth, I’ve provided some FAQs to help people reacquaint themself with the great Savior:

1. Did Jesus ever get stoned? No, but many times he came close to getting stoned when he ran afoul of the Romans.
2. Did Jesus write anything? Nope. All his gospels are “as told by.” Think of them as being ghost written – by the Holy Ghost.
3. Did Jesus have dates? Yes. Hundreds of them. He loved dates and they were a very abundant and cheap food source in the greater Judea area.
4. Did Jesus’s brother James, suffer from an inferiority complex? Yup. How could he not? His older brother was a light unto the world, whereas James once lit a manger on fire. Surprisingly though, James could change water into ice, but only if the temperature dropped below 32°.
5. Does Jesus have the ability to integrate the content of all your applications into one seamless platform? Child please!
6. Why doesn’t Jesus just return and shower the world in beatific love? He has. Several times, but most people are antagonistic toward this itinerant, long-haired hippie spouting off about doing unto others and loving thy neighbor. He’s had poor management of late – like Elvis did in the 1970s. Where’s an apostle when you need one.
7. How dark was Jesus’ skin? Let’s put it this way – he wouldn’t exactly be welcomed in some of his churches today.
8. If Jesus had a residency in Las Vegas, what would he perform? Well, he’d probably kickoff the show with Sermon on the Mount and maybe follow that up with a version of “Crocodile Rock.” He’d blow away illusionist David Copperfield’s disappearing spectacles. Instead of making an elephant vanish, Jesus would do the same with hate and anger. Great stuff. At the end of the show I’d envision a mic drop and then an ascension up through the proscenium arch.
9. Did Jesus have any tattoos? Yes. One. It read: WWMD – What Would Moses Do.
10. Did he throw a ball like a girl? No way. Not JC. In fact he could slingshot a rock better than David (not me, but the Biblical David,).
11. Was Jesus musical? Kinda. He could play air versions of all the popular instruments back in the day: air drums, air flute and a mean air harp. And yet he was scrupulous about never putting on any airs.
12. Who cut Jesus’s hair? A very young Barbara Walters.
13. Was Jesus at Woodstock? Inconclusive. He would’ve blended in so well with the rest of the hippies, nobody would’ve noticed except maybe Crosby, Stills and Nash who referred to him in their song Woodstock, “Well I came upon the child of God, he was walking along the road…”
14. Was Jesus aware of the dangers of asbestos? No…asbestos we can tell anyway.
15. Did Jesus get along with his father? Yes, although he thought his dad was kind of an absentee father, who was there in spirit only.
16. Do people still love Jesus today? Well yes, but people seem to love the “idea” of Jesus more than actually practicing his message of non-judgment, self-reflection, forgiveness and the Golden Rule. Many use his good name to fleece their flock of donations to buy mansions on the ground, instead of mansions in the sky.

 

1. Through cell regeneration, 99% of my body’s cells are 10 years old or less. But somehow I’m 60. Not happy.

2. Real Vegans don’t vacuum Dust Bunnies

3. If Love is Love, then Gees is Christ

4. Yo-Yo Ma’s Mother’s day Message: Yo Mama, Love, Yo-Yo Ma

5. Feeling sic (sic).

6. Conversation held in total darkness: “We’re gonna be OK. I’ve got a handle on it now.” “No you don’t. And that’s not a handle.”

7. Years after her death a son sent his mother’s ashes back to the crematorium with a cryptic note reading “Return to Cinder.”

8. Montessori Schools have apologized for marketing a discount school called Montesorry

9. Somehow I confused Easter with Passover and celebrated the season by buying little chocolate rabbis. Oy vey.

A Variety of Apple Varieties

1. Red Delicious – Very American
2. Bloody Delicious – Very English
3. Rome Beauty – Known as the Sophia Loren apple. Curvy and sweet.
4. Johnny Rottenseed – English Punk Apple
5. LGBT Cutie – They say one bite of this forbidden fruit and you’ll never go back. Great apple, but it’s kinda hard to breed.
6. Golden Delicious – An American favorite
7. Brown and Not-so-Delicious – A prison favorite (actually a Golden Delicious that didn’t sell at the supermarket)
8. Fuji – Popularity is skyrocketing
9. Emoji – Popularity is 🚀
10. Pippin – A popular apple and musical. They almost produce the same thing: One generates applesauce, the other applause. Appleplause.
11. Macintosh – 32 bytes in every Apple
12. Gravenstein – Tomb in a tankard, the grave-in-stein apple is an IPA craft fruit
13. Granny Smith – Crisp and tart
14. Mealy Smith – Soft and bland. People with dentures swear by them or at least near them.
15. Vermont Black – A now extinct variety. It seems there are no longer any Blacks left in Vermont.
16. Pink Lady – Flavorful and sweet
17. Pink Ladyboy – Popular in San Francisco. Very Fruity. Also flavorful and sweet.
18. Dark Lady – A favorite of Cher. ♫Dark Lady laughed and danced and lit the candles one by one♫
19. That Ain’t No Lady, That’s My Wife – Henny Youngman helped to develop this apple
20. Fat Man – Atomically delicious. It’s the only apple that has a half-life.
21. Apple Corps – What’s a list without a Beatle reference?
22. Gala – A Gala day keeps the doctor away. A gal a day is plenty for me.

 

1. Most popular machine at health clubs: The time machine. It takes years off your waist.
2. A wage slave living from Pay Day Loan to Pay Day Loan says they have, “Great interest in him.”
3. Prosthesis Magazine article: Amputee Plans Afoot
4. Uncreative designer is said to be “Staid of the Art”
5. Harvard History Department wants to “Have archaic and eat it too”
6. That restaurant is a tough place. The coat check girl’s name is Bruno.
7. Unruly lawn brought to Madame Wong’s Tips & Toes for tidying. It’s now a beautifully manicured lawn.
8. Pamplona, Spain is now sponsoring the Running of the Mascara. It’s so sad.
9. He’s so semantically aware, he’s been cut by sharp cheddar, rapier wits and pointed arguments
10. Fear of driving through a passageway with coworkers is called Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
11. Overheard at a bowlers convention, “Yeah, I’m getting my ball drilled Tuesday.” “Interesting, that’s the same day I’m getting mine buffed.”
12. Have you seen any fascists rolling 5 dice? No. I did not see a Nazi playing Yahtzee.
13. My favorite fetishistic fantasization is polysyllabic alliteration
14. Mature landscaping growing weary of immature landscaping in nearby development: “Gees, it’s out all night and won’t leaf us alone. Especially that Fraxinus. It’s such a pain in the ash. Oh well, life’s a birch.”
15. Lament of the amnesiac whose PC won’t load any more software: “Now I remember. I forgot to buy memory.”
16. I bet my Personal Injury attorney can beat up your Personal Injury attorney

1. Invisible people are so arrogant. They completely ignore me, so I just act like they’re not there.  
2. I always thought angina was a heart ailment only women could get
3. When someone in Vincent van Gogh’s family dies, are they referred to as Van Gone or Van Went
4. Victoria Secret is being sued in a case of the Negligent Negligee whereby Victoria Secret’s lack of proper warning labels on the erotic garment has led to thousands of unplanned pregnancies. Women are suing for redress…so to speak.
5. 

   “Anything new?”
   “Nope. You?”
   “Nope.”

   Since Cincinnati has no synonym for cinnamon, some assume Cinnabon is simply sinful.

6. An antonym for Anthony is Untony. Untony and Cleopatra – because opposites attract.
7. People always talk about round numbers, but 0 is the only round number and it isn’t even a number and it isn’t even round. It’s an ellipse. Lips are an ellipse. A Sideway ellipse. Thounds like I’m lithping.
8. Uncelebrated non-coincidences: Steve Martin and I have birthdays on different dates. Same with me and Jesus. No biggie.
9. You crazy.///No, you crazy.
10. Is a high knap blanket better than a high nap blanket?
11. Enamel paint has made such a difference and yet nobody wants to talk about it
12. You cray cray./// No you color with Crayola crayons
13. What’s the plural of plural – plurals? If you strung them together would you have a plural necklace. I have 2 plural necklaces.
14. I’ve given people plenty of Wedgies. Iceberg Wedge Salads that is. How I ever got them to fit in their ass crack I’ll never know, but that’s half the fun.
15. I’m not sure if I like concepts or just the idea of concepts.
16. Granite countertops have given purpose to so many people and you can’t take that for granite.
17. No really, you nutty, you off the wall son./// OK, I guess that makes me a Walnut. So shell me.
18. Stone fruit rocks./// No, it’s the pits.
19. Leave us readers alone./// No, the ideas…they’re coming from inside my head. I’m not scared, I’m just letting them out
20. And now a moment of silence for Kleenex and all it does for us with nary a complaint. Thank you martyred non-racial facial tissue. I kiss you and spew a slew of goo into your tissue. Quite the issue. Tis me or tis you? Probably tissue.
21. If there was an elephant in the room, everyone, and I mean everyone, would be talking about it.

1. A triumvirate of university zoologists claim to have discovered a 3-humped camel. The discovery, of course, happened on a Wednesday. How they knew the camel had been humped 3 times is currently under police investigation.
2. Meanwhile Egyptologists are a little suspicious of Pharaoh Ramses II’s exhibit on tour in North America. They’ve discovered a hieroglyph that clearly translates as “Sorry, I left the Clamato Juice in the Oldsmobile.”
3. Love the Undo button in Microsoft Word. Now if only there was one for real life.
4. Actually I’m not “too lazy to organize this list.” I’m just honoring my incarnation. Yeah that’s it. Honoring my incarnation. I do that a lot lately. Especially as an excuse to stuff leftover bits into an eclectic assortment of ideas.
5. Man claims to have never once picked his nose. “It’s true” he said. “Not once. Maybe 1000 times but certainly not once.”
6. The trend of specialty retailing has become ubiquitous (thank you very much Synonym.com). For example Popeye’s is test marketing a new restaurant called Chicken for White People. It features half the spices and none of the fun.
7. In the San Francisco area, Burger King is micro-marketing Burger Queen’s. This extravagantly decorated restaurant sports…oh, never mind what it sports. The point is, the buns are more shapely than ever. And you can get a Whopper with 2 Patties: Patty Longo and Patty Sherman.
8. In the Bay Area, Karl Mender’s Collision Centers are offering 20% off on car repairs to anyone transitioning from one sex to another – it’s called Mender’s Gender Fender Bender discount.
9. The E-I-E-I-O corporation has purchased old restaurants from MacDonald’s and has retro-decorated them into Old MacDonald’s restaurants, for seniors who had a farm. They say it’s a can’t miss farm to table concept. With a couscous here and a couscous there. Here a cous. There a cous. Everywhere a couscous
10. Vascular Profiling? Studies show that minorities are subject to more Cardiac Arrests than whites. Clearly the Stop and Defibrillate policy saves lives, but is it trampling the rights of minority heart attack victims?
11. New Olympic Demonstration Sports
    1. Competitive Eating (followed by)
    2. Competitive Projectile Vomiting
12. Greeks I have known: Diabetes, Erroneous Views, PlayDoh, Soccer Tees, A Wrist Tottle and, of course, Osgood Drury
13. It’s less difficult to graduate from most colleges, than it is to find a parking spot near class
14. PU (Pace University) is on financial life support. A Pacemaker was installed and Pace has been told to make peace with its donors. William Makepeace Thackery is helping with hospice.
15. I sometimes read books cover to cover, and nothing in between. How else am I going to judge it?
16. I’ve wondered where my iPhone was…while it’s been in my hand and I was using it.
17. This Day on Earth: Today approx. 150,000 people will die. Approx. 50,000 people will experience their first orgasm. 99% of them will be men. Men are pigs.

1. What is Micronesia? Is that when you forget only a little bit. I can’t remember. It’s not the full-size “nesia”, it’s just a Micro-nesia.
2. Sequel to The Day the Earth Stood Still. The even more miraculous The Day My 2-year-old Stood Still.
3. “I like to order my fish with the head on so I know exactly what I’m getting.” “Yeah I do that too, but with veal.”
4. Male realtors admit; there looking for a turnkey girlfriend who’s move-in ready. A real head turner, and maybe a key turner too.
5. If a turkey is all ready to eat, does that make it a turnkey turkey?
6. Aren’t we all just end users?
7. I’m not growing old, I’m shrinking old
8. 

   A crime most foul (see how I didn’t say “fowl”). Killing 3 birds with one holiday.

   We love TurDucken (a chicken, stuffed into a duck inside a turkey), but we also want other types of 3-layered stuffed things:

   1. GiCamPo – That’s a polar bear stuffed into a camel inside a giraffe. Especially good for patients, who on the advice of their doctor, are on an all giraffe, camel and polar bear diet.
   2. A Black and White ZePandUnk – That’s a skunk stuffed into a panda inside a zebra. Comes in B&W.
   3. GriffBeaFife – That’s a Barney Fife stuffed into an Aunt Bea inside an Andy Griffith. “Mmmm Good Cracker.”
   4. PumpCoNimitz – That’s an aircraft carrier, stuffed into a coconut inside a pumpkin. They ate these on Gilligan’s Island. I think that’s how they survived in Micronesia, but I can’t quite remember.
9. If stuffing a turkey with idiots is outlawed, only outlaw idiots will be stuffed into turkeys. Think about that before you gobble.
10. I know.  I’m a little worried about all the turkey references too. I mean c’mon man, let it go.
11. I don’t know about the new guy. I’ve had 3 conversations with him and in each one he’s managed to work in the word “colo-rectal” several times.
12. Snap, Crackle and Pop get in over their heads down at the milk pond. It almost leads to the drowning of a very soggy Crackle.
13. A coolly disarming thing to say to a room full of high-powered strangers, “I just came in to see how big everybody’s egos were, and to create some standing for myself. Mission accomplished? I thought so.”
14. Aren’t we all just visitors?
15. If you want to avoid food poisoning, only eat oysters in months that have x’s in them
16. Most men are rescue boyfriends in need of a certified service girlfriend (warning: don’t pet them unless you get permission).
17. In Ireland large Leprechauns are discriminated against. Instead of a pot of gold they get a pot of coal.
18. He makes me nervous. Whenever we have a conversation he always refers to my “sit bones.”
19. Metamorphic rock is a metaphor for four formations formerly forgotten. I know, forced it. Forgive me.