Posts Tagged ‘list’

Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different if Jesus was 3’6” tall

1. Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount would’ve been called The Sermon on the Mount in Elevator Sandals
2. At only 3½ feet tall, rising from the dead wouldn’t be such a big deal. Especially when compared to the aerodynamic forces at play in rising a full-grown Messiah.
3. {Esoteric Reference Alert, Dana} Chinese Christians would probably bind their children’s pituitary glands to reduce their HGH (human growth hormone) in hopes of keeping them small and delicate and therefore more spiritually desirable.
4. (#4 is not part of the list, just a cautionary note to self) I really shouldn’t mess with Jesus. He’s one of the few good guys whether in Regular or Mini-me size.
5. At the Last Supper, Jesus would’ve been sitting in a booster seat. Very bad optics on that one.
6. Astronomers would have to change the term “White Dwarf Star” to “Vertically Challenged Caucasian Star.”
7. So called “Body of Christ” wafers would be 1/3 smaller and contain fewer calories. Over the span of 2000 years, it is estimated the Catholic Church would’ve saved almost $200 in sacramental expenses.

 

Top 10 People with No Regrets

1. There are no people without regrets. Those who claim to be are liars.
2. Liars

 

Top 10 Celebrities Who Wish They Were Younger

1. All of them

 

Top 10 People Named Frank Briscoe

1. Frank Briscoe
2. Franklin “Frank” Briscoe
3. Artemis “Frank” Briscoe
4. Frank Briscoe-Mellencamp

 

Top 10 Least Popular Men’s Adult Entertainment Magazines

1. #MeToo
2. The Women of Bulgaria’s Prisons…and the Guards Who Love Them
3. Early Onset Cellulose
4. Cuticle Cuties of Calcutta (For the Fingertip Fetishist)
5. Harvard Law Review

 

Top 10 People Almost Named “Kayla Williams”

1. Kelly Williams
2. Caitlyn Wilmore
3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass

 

Top 10 People Who Should Use Fanny Spackle to Fill the Top of Their Butt Crack When they Bend Over

1. No one wants to see that.
2. Carpet Layers
3. People Who Lay Anything

 

Top Ten Things Souls Say to God After He tells Them They’re Going to Be Reincarnated As a Black Man in Alabama

1. Really?
2. No c’mon man, really?
3. Whatever they’re paying you I’ll double it.
4. Well yeah, the idea of toleration is great as long as you’re not the thing that’s being tolerated.
5. How about Detroit, or at least California?

 

Top 10 People Who Have an Inflated View of Themselves

1. Snoopy… in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
2. Good Year blimp
3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass
4. I know. The first 2 aren’t people and the third one may or may not be a person, but I’m running out of ideas and this seemed like a good premise.
5. Napoleon Blownapart

 

Top 10 Something or Others

1. Something
2. Others

Sayonara Baby! (I’m in Japan now. Tokyo Prefecture. Chiyoda-Ku Ward)

1. The crusty corners of macaroni & cheese
2. Knowing that God is great. But perhaps wishing he had fewer Franchises.
3. Remembering your first kiss. Even if your lips were pressed against a mirror.
4. Wikipedia. Admit it.
5. Remembering your first open-mouthed kiss. Even if it was with someone named Fido.
6. The fact we all have 206 bones. Except for “Shaggy” Rogers from Scooby-Doo. He only had 205. No backbone.
7. Enjoying a good yawn, a good sneeze, a good sigh…or any other good bodily discharge
8. And speaking of sneezing: Who amongst us didn’t say “God bless you” the first time they heard someone say “Machu Picchu?”
9. The simple joy of watching a Hogan’s Heroes Alright, watching back to back Hogan’s Heroes episodes. OK binge-watching Season 3 of Hogan’s Heroes in one sitting. Alright. Watching all 168 episodes consecutively while wearing an adult diaper. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.
10. Experiencing the white man’s overbite pleasure of rockin’ the bathroom while playing nude air guitar.
11. Screw National Poetry Month. The only month worth celebrating is National Cheeseburger Month.
12. The aquatic appreciation of the powerfully immaculate 5-second watery whoosh of a public toilet after we finish our business
13. During daylight savings time, springing the clocks ahead only 55 minutes and then secretly pocketing a cool 5 minutes for yourself on the down low.
14. Seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman outfit
15. Experiencing that thunderbolt of understanding when you’re watching the Oscars and the revered actress Eva Marie-Saint casually refers to a guy named Fred Hitchcock. And then boom! Suddenly you realize she’s talking about Alfred Hitchcock.