Posts Tagged ‘list’

The phrase “I Hope Never To” should be repeated before each entry

1. Hear my doctor say “Don’t worry. It’s the good kind of” anything
2. Get confused when baking a flourless cake in the shape of a flower
3. Hear the captain say, “We’ve all made our peace with the Almighty up here on the flight deck. Probably a good idea if y’all did the same back in the cabin.”
4. Sleep in a barn and wake up a little hoarse
5. Sleep in my bed and wake up next to a horse’s head. (Godfather reference: If you give Johnny Fontaine that part, you’ll never have to worry about this.)
6. See my shadow move differently than I’m moving
8. Leave #7 blank…Damn it! Epic fail. And I was so close. #7 is un-intentionally blank.
9. Ride through the desert on a horse with no name. Or even ride through the desert on a horse whose name I knew, but subsequently forgot. And lastly, to ride through a car wash on a horse whose name I never asked and was never told.
10. Spend time at a petting zoo. Especially as an exhibit.
11. Be so retired that we start going out, not only to Early Bird dinners, but to Early Bird breakfasts – where of course we get the worms
12. Free climb El Capitan – No one has to climb it. And just because it’s “there” isn’t enough of reason. I implore you all to take El Capitan for granite – hard, unforgiving granite.
13. Walk on Hot Coals
14. Walk on Warm Coals
15. Walk into Kohl’s. Why should I? It’s all online.
16. Pick-up roadside trash on weekends in order to satisfy some Community Service obligations I didn’t deserve. Next time I guess I’ll ask permission before I try to free climb Kirstie Alley.
17. Have an air bag go off in a car I’m in (unless, of course, it needs to)
18. Accidentally get a glimpse of the godless lumpy landscape, floating in a sea of bluish hell in a Port-a-Potty waste tank. One errant glance and you’re changed forever. Too many among us suffer silently from PPSD: Post Port-a-Potty Stress Disorder.
19. Write a doctoral thesis contrasting Hunt’s Manwich Sandwich with Sloppy Joe’s. It’s a fool’s errand, like contrasting Mary-Kate from Ashley.
20. See any of my internal organs
21. Visit the warehouses where all the removed Confederate statues are stored
22. Touch the tips of both pinkies while each is in a separate nostril
23. Be assigned a probation officer
24. See Donald Trump naked
25. See Kate Upton clothed
26. Use “winter” or “summer” as a verb (As in: Oh, we winter in Cozumel and summer in Martha’s Vineyard.)
27. Get a call from my probation officer telling me: “My lawn gets mowed once a week and the trash goes out on Tuesday. We can talk about massage latter. Now get crackin’ Hardiman.” And before hanging up he sings: “For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felonnnnnnn. That nobody can deny.”
28. Move so slowly that I get run over by one of those 6-million lb NASA mega-transports while its rolling a rocket out to the launching pad
29. Help my Uncle Jack off a horse
30. Help my Uncle Jack off anything for that matter
31. Use the past as an excuse for current choices
32. Spend less than 10 minutes a day meditating (not thinking or cogitating)
33. Well, you made it this far. Congratulations. Now, post this list on your wall and fill in the blank #7 using the phrase “The Big Secret is there’s no secret.”

1. York Peppermint Waldo – Really good candy…if you can find it
2. Almond Mellows – Available at marijuana dispensaries. Simultaneously causes and satisfies the Munchies
3. Reese’s Feces – Ummm, maybe it’s filled with peanut butter, and maybe it’s not
4. Really, Really Hilarious Ranchers – Regular Jolly Ranchers infused with THC
5. Good-n-Linty – Sometimes candy is where you find it
6. Arm Candy – Initially very popular with men, but they soon discovered they just couldn’t afford it
   

   So many cavities. So little time.

7. 2 Musketeers Bar – A low budget 3 Musketeers. No chocolate. Just solid nougat. Sold at the Dollar Store.
8. Almond Sad – Actually an Almond Joy for the clinically depressed
9. Toddler Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out too long
10. Juvenile Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out way too long
11. Floater Ruth’s – Great for emptying pools
12. Twits – Twix for stupid people
13. DITS – Telegraphic sister candy to DOTS. People found the whole Dit-Dot thing too old-fashioned.
14. Sweet Farts – In test markets all agreed: They absolutely stunk.
15. Herschel’s Chocolate – Not from Hershey, but from nearby Bethlehem, PA most found this Semitic chocolate “too Jewish”
16. Bit Bats – A knock-off version of Kit Kats. It’s the first candy bar that bites you.
17. Claire Danes – Maybe a candy, maybe an actress. Bite it and find out.
18. Charleston pre-Chewed – Popular candy in nursing homes where fatigued senior jaws can use a little help
19. $28,000 Bar – A deep discount $100,000 Bar. 72% smaller than the original. Popular with dieters.
20. Clusterf*cks – Too many snafus relegated this problematic candy to the dustbin of history
21. M’s – Rejected M&Ms from the Mars candy factory. Available in Plain and Stupid.
22. Shittles – A don’t ask, don’t tell version of Skittles
23. Goodbar – A stay at home candy that never really caught on
24. Goodbar – This candy bar was very popular early on, but eventually became Mrs. Goodbar and candy eaters began to lose interest,
25. Payday Bar – Discontinued as Paydays kept getting smaller and smaller every year.
26. Bit of Honey – A grammatically corrected version of Bit-O-Honey. Popular at book fairs.
27. Lot-O-Honey – What happens when you remember her birthday. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s called being an artist!)
28. Bitter Honey – What happens when there’s nothing under the tree for wifey. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s still called being an artist!)
29. Honey, Honey – An Early ABBA hit (Still taking artistic license here. OK. Now back to the candy bars)
30. Cracker Jills – A female version of Cracker Jack. Discontinued after a recurrent psychological manufacturing flaw, where they could never get the peanuts to come out of their shells
31. Gummi Dares – Made from bear secretions. I dare you to eat one.
32. Coconut Coated Tootsie Rolls – A Halloween favorite. Especially when you substitute clumped cat litter.
33. Chortles – If you like to Snicker, you’ll love to Chortle. “Chortles really satisfies,” he guffawed.
34. Gecko Wafers – It’s how Necco Wafers are sold in Hawaii. If you leave them out they migrate to the ceiling.
35. Milky Whey – “Not enough curds doomed this well-intentioned candy,” he snickered
36. Butterfinger – Sales really picked up after they finally put the letters “er’ between the “t” and “f”.
37. Duds – Milk Duds that bombed
38. Mentals – Strange substance. If you place a Mental in a Coke bottle, you foam at the ears.
39. 2M – Mathematicians version of M&Ms. Strangely enough 2Ms are made by 3M.
40. Candy Corn – A lot like Fruitcake. People own it. Give it as gifts, but never actually sit down and eat it.
41. Senior Mints – A more mature version of Junior Mints. These geriatric mints enter your mouth and then forget why they went in there in the first place

 

As a college student I worked at a snooty little bistro called The Periodic Table – a restaurant renowned for its primordial soup and Big Bang Burgers. To say The Periodic Table caters to academia would be…ummm, the second sentence in this paragraph (sometimes I just don’t know how to finish a thought). But not only does The Periodic Table cater to academia, they also cater to people who…ummm want food supplied to an event they’re having. Again, sometimes I just don’t know how to finish a thought.

 

The Periodic Table has a superlative staff. Pastry chef Madame Kurie won a MacArthur Genius Award for twice baking half-baked ideas so they’d emerge from the oven as one fully formed idea. I probably could’ve used her help in the first paragraph. After all, she’s a stable genius. I’m just happy to be a wobbly virtuoso.  

 

Susan Williams, the sous chef, can be very argumentative. She often exclaims, “You don’t like my bouillabaisse? Sue me.” She’s shrewd. She knows no one will sue a sous chef named Sue?

 

With Covid-19 protocols in effect the social distancing between elements is a minimum of 6 atoms. It’s strictly enforced by nuclear bouncers carrying electron microscopes. The Periodic Table spun-off a restaurant called the Isotope. Managers mathematically determined the Isotope would last for 20 years, but signed a 10-year lease because they were smart enough to realize the unstable Isotope would have a half-life of 10 years.

 

The Periodic Table is a popular love nest for couples who are carbon dating. Chemistry majors love this semantic den of clever linguistics. For example, chem students can order their milk shakes in three states: solid, liquid or Massachusetts.

 

Most of the tips I received were of the “Hey, don’t do anything Einstein wouldn’t do,” variety. The fallout from working at the Periodic Table added gritty luster to my otherwise geek-dominated résumé (1^st chair high school triangle, Chess Club equipment manager, foster home for orphaned light sabers). Unfortunately the money I earned had a half-life faster than radium and I spent money like an “unstable Cesium-137 atom decaying in a nuclear chain reaction” (I never get tired of that old expression). And even though I spent most of the money on ginkgo biloba, I could never quite remember where it all went.

 

I hope you enjoyed this overture to my list of newly discovered elements. Elements that all have one thing in common. They radiate humor:

1. Shelium – Newly discovered sister element to Helium. Oddly enough when you inhale it, it makes your voice deeper. And even though Shelium is lighter than air, it always thinks it’s fat.
2. Fartium – At first it was thought to be a Noble Gas. But after just one whiff you knew…it ain’t so noble.
3. Cranium – This element is a head case
4. Copper – Not that kind of copper. In fact, not really an element at all. It’s what gangsters called a policeman in the 1930s.
5. Miseryium – Not much is known about this dark matter other than Miseryium loves company
6. Moronium – An element that only seems to affect other people’s intelligence
7. Acronymium – BTW, Scientists believe Acronymium stands for something, but FYI, they don’t know what…LOL
8. Belgium – Not an element. Just a shout out to the country of Belgium.
9. Tamponium – Tamponium will always have a seat at any Periodic Table – usually once a month.
10. Yumyumium – What Chinese restaurants sprinkle on food to make it taste better
11. Conundrum – Scientists are still trying to figure out just where this perplexing element fits in
12. Viagrium – A lot like zirconium in that it’s not an authentic rock-hard diamond, but no one seems to mind and actually appreciate it nonetheless. Warning: If its half-life last longer than 8 hours – see a mechanic – a quantum mechanic.
13. Blamium – It’s always somebody else’s element. Eventually decays into an Inferiority Complex.
14. Blamium-238 – A rare isotope causes complainers to reassess their lives and admit “mea culpa”
15. Sherlockium – Elementary, my dear reader. Also available in the sarcastic isotope, No Sh*t Sherlockium
16. Steakumms – Found in your refrigerator. At least that’s where I thaw it.
17. Mormonium – The only element that thinks it’s acceptable to marry with the electrons of more than one atom
18. Cofault – When cobalt decays and makes a mistake it becomes Cofault
19. Cobalt – makes you feel blue
20. Codependentbalt – enables cobalt to make you feel blue
21. Meme-ium – That thing where “We haz no cheezburgers”
22. Virginium – An element of unblemished purity. High concentrations found in Ivory Soap and Promise Rings
23. Tounguestun – When a taser accidentally hits your tongue
24. Palladium – Amphitheater shaped element. The Beatles played there in 1964
25. Homonymium – Sounds just like an element, but it isn’t. Prefers the orbits of its own kind, as opposed to Heteronymium.
26. Synonymian – An element that can be substituted for any other element
27. Cinemanium – What a drunk scientist calls a movie theater
28. Sinamonium – Too much of this element and you won’t get into Heavenium
29. Cinnamonium – Above a certain threshold and you develop and overwhelming desire to move to Cincinnati. Also tasty sprinkled on toast.
30. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is your relationship with yourself. Not an element. Just wanted to send you a little preachy reminder in an Oprah kind of way. I zinc it’s important to remember this.

1. My new book “Ventriloquism for Dummies” just arrived. For some reason I can’t read it without moving my lips.
2. God’s majesty is ineffable…so are women wearing chastity belts.
3. It was just a prank when Debra Messing said her mother, Mrs. Messing went missing. Messing was just messing with us.
4. He exercised his Free Will. He had no choice.
5. He drank the prune juice with “aplomb.” He had no choice.
6. He was allowed only to pick between Prime Beef or Select Beef. They had no Choice.
8. There is no #7. I had no choice.
9. Try not to get into acute depression, because there’s nothing cute about depression.
10. A prisoner on Death Row had the foresight to order a 112 ft. long submarine sandwich for his last meal. The warden complied. The inmate lived for another 14 days while slowly eating the lengthy sandwich, but died of food poisoning on the 15^th day.  
    

    Submarine Sandwich Forever 

 

Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different if Jesus was 3’6” tall

1. Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount would’ve been called The Sermon on the Mount in Elevator Sandals
2. At only 3½ feet tall, rising from the dead wouldn’t be such a big deal. Especially when compared to the aerodynamic forces at play in rising a full-grown Messiah.
3. {Esoteric Reference Alert, Dana} Chinese Christians would probably bind their children’s pituitary glands to reduce their HGH (human growth hormone) in hopes of keeping them small and delicate and therefore more spiritually desirable.
4. (#4 is not part of the list, just a cautionary note to self) I really shouldn’t mess with Jesus. He’s one of the few good guys whether in Regular or Mini-me size.
5. At the Last Supper, Jesus would’ve been sitting in a booster seat. Very bad optics on that one.
6. Astronomers would have to change the term “White Dwarf Star” to “Vertically Challenged Caucasian Star.”
7. So called “Body of Christ” wafers would be 1/3 smaller and contain fewer calories. Over the span of 2000 years, it is estimated the Catholic Church would’ve saved almost $200 in sacramental expenses.

 

Top 10 People with No Regrets

1. There are no people without regrets. Those who claim to be are liars.
2. Liars

 

Top 10 Celebrities Who Wish They Were Younger

1. All of them

 

Top 10 People Named Frank Briscoe

1. Frank Briscoe
2. Franklin “Frank” Briscoe
3. Artemis “Frank” Briscoe
4. Frank Briscoe-Mellencamp

 

Top 10 Least Popular Men’s Adult Entertainment Magazines

1. #MeToo
2. The Women of Bulgaria’s Prisons…and the Guards Who Love Them
3. Early Onset Cellulose
4. Cuticle Cuties of Calcutta (For the Fingertip Fetishist)
5. Harvard Law Review

 

Top 10 People Almost Named “Kayla Williams”

1. Kelly Williams
2. Caitlyn Wilmore
3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass

 

Top 10 People Who Should Use Fanny Spackle to Fill the Top of Their Butt Crack When they Bend Over

1. No one wants to see that.
2. Carpet Layers
3. People Who Lay Anything

 

Top Ten Things Souls Say to God After He tells Them They’re Going to Be Reincarnated As a Black Man in Alabama

1. Really?
2. No c’mon man, really?
3. Whatever they’re paying you I’ll double it.
4. Well yeah, the idea of toleration is great as long as you’re not the thing that’s being tolerated.
5. How about Detroit, or at least California?

 

Top 10 People Who Have an Inflated View of Themselves

1. Snoopy… in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
2. Good Year blimp
3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass
4. I know. The first 2 aren’t people and the third one may or may not be a person, but I’m running out of ideas and this seemed like a good premise.
5. Napoleon Blownapart

 

Top 10 Something or Others

1. Something
2. Others

Sayonara Baby! (I’m in Japan now. Tokyo Prefecture. Chiyoda-Ku Ward)

1. The crusty corners of macaroni & cheese
2. Knowing that God is great. But perhaps wishing he had fewer Franchises.
3. Remembering your first kiss. Even if your lips were pressed against a mirror.
4. Wikipedia. Admit it.
5. Remembering your first open-mouthed kiss. Even if it was with someone named Fido.
6. The fact we all have 206 bones. Except for “Shaggy” Rogers from Scooby-Doo. He only had 205. No backbone.
7. Enjoying a good yawn, a good sneeze, a good sigh…or any other good bodily discharge
8. And speaking of sneezing: Who amongst us didn’t say “God bless you” the first time they heard someone say “Machu Picchu?”
9. The simple joy of watching a Hogan’s Heroes Alright, watching back to back Hogan’s Heroes episodes. OK binge-watching Season 3 of Hogan’s Heroes in one sitting. Alright. Watching all 168 episodes consecutively while wearing an adult diaper. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.
10. Experiencing the white man’s overbite pleasure of rockin’ the bathroom while playing nude air guitar.
11. Screw National Poetry Month. The only month worth celebrating is National Cheeseburger Month.
12. The aquatic appreciation of the powerfully immaculate 5-second watery whoosh of a public toilet after we finish our business
13. During daylight savings time, springing the clocks ahead only 55 minutes and then secretly pocketing a cool 5 minutes for yourself on the down low.
14. Seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman outfit
15. Experiencing that thunderbolt of understanding when you’re watching the Oscars and the revered actress Eva Marie-Saint casually refers to a guy named Fred Hitchcock. And then boom! Suddenly you realize she’s talking about Alfred Hitchcock.