Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Dear Corporate America,

This is what I look like after being on hold for 58 minutes to talk to a guy in Sri Lanka about my BBQ warranty. This is what I look like after being on hold for 58 minutes waiting to talk to a guy in Sri Lanka about my BBQ warranty.

It’s time we had a talk. I want you to know I appreciate <insert product or service here>, but that I will never memorize my 12-digit account number. Additionally, I don’t know my password, which has been changed three times in the last year and contains a Capital letter, a Number and a Diacritical mark of some kind so that it looks more like a swear word than a password. Finally I never need to listen closely to your automated phone tree just because “some of our options may have changed.” I never had the original options memorized to begin with and I never will.

Please help me simplify my life by just looking up my name and authenticating me by verifying the answers to my security questions. The answers usually being: “6 months” and “grave robbing.”

And the questions being: How much jail time have you served? and What is your favorite hobby? (Which incidentally is the same reason I did jail time).

If you would do that for me <insert name of corporation here> I would get back the 2 months of my life I’ve spent trying to tell you it really is me.

Now, before you go, if you’d like to take a survey expressing your level of satisfaction with this letter, press 1 for yes. If you don’t press 1 for yes expect another 8 minutes added to your hold time – just sayin’.

Thank You for Listening,

Your Loyal Consumer David Hasenpfeffer

Trump Administration Revamps Executive Branch to Reflect Current Political Realities

Who says you can't teach an old seal new tricks? Who says you can’t teach an old seal new tricks?

In a top to bottom reorganization of the Executive Branch, the Trump Administration began to repurpose cabinet level departments and certain governmental agencies to better reflect their new role in the Oranging of America. The following is a list of rebranded names that more accurately express the new breeze blowing through their corridors:

 

1. After months of DNA testing, The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier has been demystified and is now called The Tomb of Corporal Larry Weaver

 

2. Department of Labor has been outsourced to India

 

3. The Department of Defense will get back its old swagger and revert to its original name: The Department of War. Spokagandist Sean Spicer remarked, “It’s what the founders would’ve wanted.”

 

4. Department of Health and Human Services is now just an Urgent Care near Baltimore

 

5. The Bureau of Weights and Measures will now be recalibrated and known as The Bureau of Alternative Weights and Approximate Measures

 

6. The Department of Education has morphed into The Ministry of Propaganda Read the rest of this entry »

Can’t We All Just Get Along

 

"You got any Johnny Winter albums I could borrow?" “You got any Johnny Winter albums I could borrow?”

None of the other polar bears noticed the albino polar bear. Why would they? He blended right in and was all white with everybody. That is until one day somebody taunted, “Hey Rudolph, what’s up with that pink nose. You gonna guide somebody’s sleigh tonight?”

To which Rudolpho (he was a Spanish polar bear) replied, “I’m a polar bear just like you. Judge me by the content of my character not the color of my nose.”

A great lesson was learned that day and soon all the polar bears were holding paws and singing ♫I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.♫

The Coca-Cola Company then sued the polar bears for copyright infringement of intellectual property.

Are you kidding me? As Journey said in “Don’t Stop Believing”: It goes on and on and on and on…

 

The Seven Stages of Getting Out of Bed in the Morning

There are really 2 facets to getting up in the morning (if indeed it still is morning). First there’s the waking up portion (easy). Then there’s getting out of bed portion (not so easy). And this is where The 7 Stages Of Getting Out Of Bed come into play:

  1. Shock – Why me? I didn’t ask to be born. Stupid horny parents.

 

  1. Denial – Surely this alarm was meant for somebody who gives a sh*t.

 

  1. Bargaining – If keep binge-watching Netflix maybe it will all go away?

 

  1. Guilt – I shouldn’t have gotten in line twice when they passed out the “sleepy gene.” Oh well, ♫Cheer up Sleepy Jean ♫.

 

  1. Anger – It’s still Obama’s fault.

 

  1. Depression – I don’t even want to eat. I swear I’m going to stop feeding myself.

 

  1. Acceptance/hope – Well all this thinking has made me hungry. And since I need money for food, alright I’ll get up and go to work. Next incarnation I hope to come back as a bed so I can lie around all freakin day – yeah that’s right I said “freakin”.

Watch for my next installment of Life Coping Skills when I illuminate the 7 Stages Of Discovering They Got Your Drive-Thru Order Wrong. When you’re 5 miles away.

For Whom the Bell Chimes

Put a ring on it. Put a ring on it.

What better way to ring in the New Year than with a new doorbell chime. I’d been wanting to make some changes in my life for a while because (to paraphrase Bob Dylan) ♫The chimes, they are a-changing♫. What better way to tell the world you’re getting your personal thing together than to swap out your 22-year-old doorbell chime. The traditional F-sharp to D-flat dyad would no longer do. I needed something that bespoke the changes that had happened in my life. I thought a C# to an A would say everything my heart couldn’t.

 

And you know something? Friends started to notice. They mentioned it to me; “Hey Dave. There’s something different about you and I can’t quite put my finger on it?” That’s when I showed them my new doorbell ringer and then they could put their finger on it. Then they understood. They would ring my bell with great certainty and remark “Now I no longer have to ask, ‘For whom the bell chimes?’ For it chimes for thee.” Heavy stuff. But I guess that’s what you have to go through when you break on through to the other side. Read the rest of this entry »

New Grocery Store Foods for 2017

It doesn't matter if it's worthy. The point is it's new. It doesn’t matter if it’s worthy. The point is it’s new.

Warning: This easily contrived list has no nutritive value and is not a substitute for a healthy, well-balanced chuckle. Prolonged exposure to this list may result in Ben Carson. Don’t ask me how, it just does. I learned that the hard way.

 

1. Hollow Core Oreos: For the cookie connoisseur who supports the 2nd Amendment. Tagline: Too good to share. They’ll have to pry them from your cold, dead hand.

2. SPAT: Made from the leftovers in the manufacturing process of SPAM. It’s the “pressed particle board” of canned meats. Doesn’t require refrigeration. Sealed in a thick, lustrous mammalian gel.

3. Briny’s Extra-sodium Soy Sauce: For those on a sodium-augmented diet. Ask your doctor if Briny’s Extra-sodium Soy Sauce is right for you. May cause drowsiness in sleepy people.

4. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lymph Nodes: General Foods is at it again. This time with whatever else was left on the slaughterhouse floor. Originally marketed as Abattoir’s Sluice Treats.

5. Kraft Cheez-ernutter: Finally a pliable emulsion combining the convenience of semi-permeable Cheez Whiz with the gooey madness of marshmallow crème (whatever that is). Comes co-branded with Sara Lee’s Multi-grain Manhole Covers.

6. Brennan’s Very Dirty Rice: Made at their prison-labor plant in Typhoid Springs, Louisiana, this new take on an old favorite is popular with hospice patients and the nurses who love them.

7. Newman’s Own Nothings: A pouch of self-satisfied air consumers can feel good about purchasing; as all proceeds go to a bunch of vague do-gooders.

8. Nabisco Extra-Crispy Frackers: Freeze-dried crunchy remains of oil workers who died while fracking. Marketed under the slogan: They’re so Fracking good you’ll want to horizontally drill a loved one.

9. Yeech! : A kind of Headcheese, but made from the asses of expired zoo animals. Greenpeace assures Vegans that no plants were harmed in the making of this product.

10. Orange-Flavored Quik: Nestlé’s marketing dept. figured if America could elect an orange-flavored President, why wouldn’t at least 46% of the people want an orange-flavored milk beverage

11. Kellogg’s Unfrosted Maxi-Wheats: For the contrarian cereal eater who finds Frosted Mini-Wheats a little too cutesy.

12. Gerber’s Strained Credulity: A grained-based baby food that’s hard to believe in.

Girl Scout Cookies Extortion Month

Well it’s that time of year again. No, not Amnesia Awareness Month, but Girl Scout Cookies Extortion Month, where citizens leaving grocery stores and banks are guilted into purchasing enough high-fructose cookies to power an aircraft carrier. There are some new varieties this year and I thought I’d highlight them for you:

  1. Binge Mints
  2. Heimlich Chokies
  3. Nutty Doofuses
  4. Transgendered Something er Others
  5. WMDs (Wafers of Mass Delight)
  6. Vegan Flytraps
  7. Lemon Nothings
  8. Extra-Gluten Peanut Clusters w/Benadryl
  9. Fracture Snaps
  10. Pralines ‘n Lint
  11. Snickernipples
  12. Whoopsie Daisies
  13. LGBTs (Loganberry Treats)
  14. Toucan Sandies
  15. Three Can Ednas
  16. Buttered Goobledygooks
  17. Sugar-free Why Bothers
  18. Upside-Down Right-Side-Ups
  19. Powdered Snowglobes
  20. Goiter Drops
  21. Tagalogs (Available in Philippines only)
  22. Forget-me-nuts
  23. Double Stuff Oreogasms  (Women may have as many as they’d like, but men must wait at least 1 hour between cookies.)
  24. Esophageal Conundrums
  25. Silicon Wafers
  26. Isaac Newtons

The American Kennel Club Recognizes 21 New Breeds

  1. Yorkshire Terrorist – Won’t stop yapping till they get their wet food
  2. She Wow Wow – Sofia Vergara-influenced breed

    Dont raise your eyebrows at me. Don’t raise your eyebrows at me.

  3. Lhasa Ipso Facto – Asian lawyers’ favorite dog
  4. Angela Basset Hound – Ike Turner had something to do with its creation
  5. Alaskan Mostlymute – Rarely barks
  6. Uaintnuthin’butta Hound Dog – Found mostly in the South, Cryin’ all the time
  7. Teacup St. Bernard – A contradiction in terms. Like jumbo shrimp.
  8. Borderline Collie – Not quite a Collie, but close
  9. Cocker Doodle Doo – Howls when the sun comes up
  10. Chilean Sea Basset Hound – A sub-species of Dogfish. Sleeps on a bed of spinach.
  11. Greenish Retriever – Not quite green, looks seasick, recycles
  12. Nissan – Formerly Dachsund (Get it? Datsun became Nissan)
  13. Hairless Sheep Dog – A frightening-looking animal. At least it doesn’t shed.
  14. Mess Hall Chow – Featuring its trademark Blue Tongue Special
  15. Belgian Airhead – (courtesy of Steve Martin)
  16. Random Doodle – exists only on paper and, fittingly, does it on the paper
  17. Jewish Shepherd – Enjoys Flocks and Bagels
  18. Not-so-Great Dane – Underachieving Scandinavian canine.
  19. Shih Tzu! – God Bless You.
  20. Nikita – Nike’s corporate repurposing of the Akita breed. All Nikitas are named Swoosh.
  21. Miniature Toy Chihuahua – Due to size challenges, must be raised under an electron microscope

Top 14 Requests for Financial Relief from Witty Homeless People

  1. Philosopher/vagrant sign says it all. Philosopher/vagrant sign says it all.

    Have worked for food. Now I’m hungry again.

  2. It’s Obama’s Trump’s fault.
  3. Your place or mine? I’m thinking yours.
  4. If you can read this you’re too close. 
  5. I’m the precipitate from trickle-down economics.
  6. Down to 2 teeth-whitening strips. Anything would help?
  7. Blew my MacArthur Genius Grant award money on whores and crack. Please help.
  8. You should see the other guy.
  9. I’m an optimist whose glass is 1/8th How about some help with the other 7/8ths?
  10. Mistakes were made.
  11. I used to fit into most overhead compartments. Now look at me.
  12. Think of me as a tax deductible charity who doesn’t pester you with direct mail.
  13. My inner dialogue is not free. Pay up.
  14. Well I’m out of quips…and money.

Construction Halted as Berkeley Council Decides to Save the Spotted Hobo

The Berkeley City Council will not rest until all the world's karma is balanced out. Only then will its work be done. The Berkeley City Council will not rest until all the world’s karma is balanced out. Only then will its work be done.

The Berkeley City Council served an immediate cease and desist order to Bechtel Corporation in an effort to preserve the Spotted Hobo’s habitat. The council claimed the construction site, located at the Ashby Avenue underpass, is a natural spawning ground for the Spotted Hobo (Polka-dot vagranti) and its alteration could bring about the extinction of the group. The United Nations Commission on Compromised Wildlife has placed the Spotted Hobo on the endangered species list; one notch below the Goiter-Necked Parakeet (Magnum-thoraxed dinkus), but several notches above Syrian Refugees (Syrian refugees).

The Council believes that disturbing the Spotted Hobo’s biosphere would force the species to abandon their natural habitat and move to less accommodating grounds in the urban center where they’d encroach on stairwells already strained by populations of unemployed raccoons (Loafus mascara). The Spotted Hobo is a rare sub-species of vagranti who’ve developed their trademark “spots” by eating from doggy bags “gifted” to them by predatory capitalists exiting the many fine bistros of Berkeley. And while the well-heeled foodie set embraces the Spotted Hobo, other groups are quite fearful of the breed and are what we term “hobophobic.”

Lawyers for Bechtel Construction pleaded with the Berkeley City Council to reconsider their order and reminded them that the project was designed as a 400-bed homeless shelter and as such could absorb 8 times the number of displaced Spotted Hobos. The council refused the request and had the site re-zoned as an Indigenous Spotted Persons’ Habitat. Antioch (whose city has an open borders policy) offered to take in the Spotted Hobos, but Berkeley refused the offer stating, “The forced eviction of any species from their natural hunting and gathering grounds only serves to strengthen the oppressors and weaken the oppressed.”

When Bechtel Construction reiterated that the project was designed to house the very people they were so concerned about displacing, Berkeley Gender-neutral Council Entity, Trax Hillman remarked, “Logic has nothing to do with our decision. This is a reparation for Andrew Jackson’s forced removal of the Cherokee people along the ‘Trail of Tears’ in the late 1830’s. And if you don’t understand that you’re just one of the oppressors. We at the Council know why the caged Goiter-necked Parakeet sings. And as long as we have something to say about it, the Spotted Hobo will continue to live unmolested ‘neath, the bridges of Ashby Avenue where they’ll be protected by rapacious capitalists like Bechtel Corporation. Yes they’ll continue to thrive in their natural biota provided they’re fed by the doggy-bag toting restaurant patrons they’ve become dependent on as a primary food source.”  

Next week the Council takes up an application by Whole Foods for a store on Telegraph Avenue. Already the application is meeting strong headwinds as some members are calling for the Whole Foods to first open a Half Foods for one week and then the open other half the next week, so that by the end of 2 weeks they’d have a Whole Foods. Council member Hemp Wurther (who puts the “Q” in LGBTQ) explained, “Whole Foods is an admirable grocer and we’d be pleased to have them as a part of our nation. It is our intention however to have them showcase some of the less popular or disadvantaged food one week and then display the more adaptive mainstream foods the next week. Additionally, no matter which week a patron shops, all shall receive a participation trophy. And in case it isn’t abundantly clear already, we are doing this as a reparation for Andrew Jackson’s forced removal of the Cherokee people along the ‘Trail of Tears’ in the late 1830’s.”