Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

1. Murdering musician Herb Alpert: Herbicide
2. Murdering TV host Pat Sajak: P_tr_c_de
3. When you really mean to throw away your old mattress, but you accidentally kill your mother instead: Mattress-cide
4. When you want to end it all to be with Jim Morrison: Break on Through to the Othercide

4.5 When you kill Raymond Burr: Ironcide
4.8 When you cause Cy Durr’s hard apple cider poisoning: Cy Durr’s Cidercide
5. When you refuse to have your salad dressings brought separately: On the Sidecide
6. When Geno from the pizzeria really pisses you off: Genocide

This killer list was inspired by Crunch Berries – the psychoactive substance in Captain Crunch cereal

To all gastronomes, epicureans and foodies, I’ve finally put the finishing touches on my new restaurant (it’s so hard to find spittoons these days). And it is my pleasure to share with you its smashing new menu. Please remember that all foods and beverages at the Pompous Ass are ethically sourced, sustainably raised and processed by little people who are paid a living wage (if you consider a mud hut and a clay chamber pot a living wage). We will have a soft opening on Friday August 12^th and a hard opening just as soon as the Viagra arrives. We look forward to seeing you. Please peruse the menu below: 

 

 

The Pompous Ass

Executive Chef – Benito Agita    Sous Chef – Sue Scheff    Pastry Chef – Filo Dough

 

~ MENU ~

12^th of August, 2022

Starters

• Young Radishes, Baby Lettuces, Developmentally Challenged Turnips
• Large Small Mouth Bass, Jumbo Shrimp, Elongated Short Ribs 
• Fanny Crack Bread served with Irma’s sun-dried tap water

 

Zuppa del Giorno

What is Zuppa del Giorno? It’s the soup of the day.

• Cornstarch Chowder: Thick and….well, just thick. No spoon. Served with a trowel.    
• Cream of Salt: Saline Infused Brine, Sea Salt, Blue Salt, Green Salt, a tremendous amount of salt. Chef recommends “Salt to taste.”      
• Broccoli and Cheddar: Featuring KRAFT Imitation Broccoli Flecks

We also serve our signature Diluted Split Pea Soup – what it lacks in Pea-ness it makes up for in flavor

 

First Plate

• Locovore’s Dilemma: Norwegian Salmon, Chilean Sea Bass, Martian Halibut
• Paula Dean’s Down Home Myocardial Infarction: Served with Hopkins’ Farms Pork Rinds and Nancy’s Defibrillators 
• Gherkins Galore: Jerked Gherkins, Lammykin Gherkins, Next of Kin Gherkins and Kurt Jurgens Gherkins

 

Secondi 

• My Angry Stepmother’s Turkey: Served with Damaged Potatoes and “You Stupid Bitch You Ruined My Life” Gravy
• “I’ll have what she’s having” Oysters on the Rocks (if you prefer it sans rocks, a server will assist you in getting your rocks off)
• Silverfish Risotto: Certified New York Public Library Raised Silverfish (fresh from the Philosophy stacks), India Ink, Condoleeza Rice, gherkins  

 

Dessert

• Livermore Labs Locally Enriched Sustainable Plutonium: Wilma’s Candied Graphite, Centrifuged Raspberries. Served with a leaden codpiece.
• Real Expensive Cheese: Obscenely Priced Toast Points, Gouged Patron, gherkins
• Crayola Fondue: 8 Colorful Melted Crayons served with Lead Paint Dippin’ Chips, Bendy Celery and Musty Attic Lint
• I’ve Always Resented My Mother Blueberry Pancakes: Lotta Rage Maple Syrup, and Confectioner’s Angst

 

Dining Notes: A 400% Gratuity is assessed any table that mispronounces a menu item. All menu items are dynamically priced based on my gambling losses. There is no corkage fee, however if you bring a blanket, there’s a cover charge. Despite our haughty cuisine this is a tough place – the hat check girl’s name is Bruno.  

Allergy Alert: All food prepared on equipment used in the processing of peanuts and maybe just a little Crystal Meth.

Please be advised the entrance to the Pompous Ass is through the rear.

1. In Rouen, France every child has been on the road to Rouen.
   

   Just another road to Rouen.

2. Are nephews allowed in Nice?
3. A French tailor left my pants Toulon and Toulouse.
4. In France they eat well – nothing comes from a Cannes.
5. I see London, I see France, I see Putin’s sycophants
6. If you’re short on Euros, you lack Monet.
7. People love the Louvre. They say, “Live and let Louvre.”
8. If Paul Gauguin and Vincent Van Gogh were one painter, he would be Paulcent Van Goghguin.

1. 

   The Flying Nun astronomer: It’s no misnomer.

   The Snickers Galaxy – Similar to our Milky Way Galaxy, except it’s packed with peanuts and really satisfies

2. The Ford Galaxie – Why a ’68 Ford is orbiting Neptune is the biggest mystery of all. One would expect to see a Nova or even a Chevy Super Nova. But a Ford Galaxie?  
3. Sister galaxy to the Andromeda Galaxy, the Andromedary Galaxy is shaped like a giant camel toe.
4. The Star of David – This legendary star makes 6 good points, none of which I can remember. Oy vey!
5. Kate Upton/Channing Tatum – Evidently the telescope was turned back toward the earth for images of these 2 heavenly bodies  
6. White Holes – They’re just like Black Holes only more privileged
7. Orbit City – The home of the Space Age Jetson’s clan has been located. However the telescope is looking back so far in time, that after we meet George Jetson, we see Jane, his wife, is pregnant with daughter Judy. And Elroy is nowhere to be seen.
8. The LGBTQIA? Galaxy – Most astronomers say the stars were born that way. A few astronomers say the LGBTQIA? Galaxy is just choosing to be that way.
9. The Marilyn McCoo Galaxy – Where ♫You don’t have to be a star baby, to be in my show.♫
10. The James Webb Telescope Mission Statement: Keir Dullea…Gone Tomorrow

1. Needless Falls at Harbinger’s Ferry
   

   Nothing is Real

2. Varicose Vineyards
3. Grave Errors at Dirt Nap Gardens
4. The Mausoleum at Hospital Corners
5. Blue Hair Acres at The Strand
6. Flatline Terrace at Defibrillator Manor
7. Distant Memories at Amnesia Acres
8. The Golf Course at Soylent Greens
9. Organ Harvest Farms
10. The Preserve at Embalmers Square
11. The Last Resort Resort
12. The Heights of Absurdity at Strawberry Fields

1. 

   Ship Happens.
   Keel with it!

   Sank You Very Much – Great ship but usually found at the bottom of the ocean

2. Heroine On Board – The Coast Guard is always stopping this ship owned by Wonder Woman Gal Gadot
3. The Lima, the Piñto and the Santa Garbanzo – Sailed by Christopher Legumebus
4. LGBT QE2 – That is one royal party ship
5. The USS Raymond Burr – The other “Old Ironside”
6. HMS Brawny – Sister ship to the HMS Bounty
7. HMS Corgi – Sister ship to the HMS Beagle
8. Andriadorable – Way cuter than the Andrea Doria
9. The Lucidtania – A clearer thinking version of the Lusitania
10. What’s Your Cap Size – Worst double entendre ever
11. Titanic II – With Global Warming there are very few icebergs to avoid
12. Listing Heavily – Corporate ship of Craig’s List

People never have to leave home now. They can be home-birthed, home-schooled and work from home. They can have meals and groceries home-delivered.

If they get sick – homeopathy.

All their friends – homies.

All their hits – homers.

They can even visit the Great Outdoors by sitting on their ovens where they’re Home, Home on the Range.

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.