Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

1. Ventriloquism for Dummies
2. Gas Stations and Restaurants: Are They Both Filling Stations?
3. “I’m Spending My Children’s Inheritance and They Don’t Even Know It.”
4. The Creepy Widow Who Spends Way too Much Time with Her Dog
5. Neanderthals in Our Midst: Dealing with People Who Say, “What I want to know is, why isn’t there a White History Month?”
6. Betty White’s “Let’s Keep it Clean Seniors”: The Joy of Sponge Baths, The Sorrow of Walk-in Bathtubs
   

   Farmer Dave says, “Plow thru these titles.”
   Erudite Dave says, “Plough through these titles.”

7. When I Pee Now, It Sounds Like Morse Code. Is that Bad? – Depends.
8. Psychology Today’s “Anger Management.” (Chapters Include):
   1. This is bullsh*t! I only agreed to Binding Arbitration if they decided in my favor.
   2. I Love the Disabled, But 38 Empty Handicapped Parking Spaces Next to the Costco’s Entrance Isn’t Helping Anybody
   3. I Hate Myself and It’s Your Fault
9. Marvel’s ElderHeroes: Tom Selleck and Joe Namath – Geriatric Overlords
10. Trolling for Dates at Butcher Shops: Are they meat markets or meet markets? Do you want your beef tender or Tinder?
11. Don’t Overthink It: When the alarm goes off, it’s just a morning wake-up call. Not a life-changing WAKE-UP call.
12. Coping with Coping Saws
13. I Just Know My Dog Thinks I’m Fat: What to do when Fido gets all judgey
14. Model Homes Mischief. (Chapters include):
    1. Tour with a “partner” and become a member of the Walk-in Closet, Mile High Club.
    2. Unbolt the Master Bath Toilet Lid and Toss in a Couple of unwrapped Baby Ruths
    3. Tape a body outline on the laundry room linoleum floor. Add yellow “crime scene” tape and ketchup for a ghoulish flourish.
15. Coming to Terms with the Q in LGBTQ. (Chapters include):
    1. What to do when your 8-year old son Lane says, “But dad, I like playing with dolls.”
    2. What to do when your 18-year old son Lane says, “But dad, these gender identity issues just won’t go away.”
    3. What to do when your 19-year old daughter Lanie says, “Hey dad, these gender identity issues have finally gone away.”
16. Whirlpool’s How to Get Your Dishwasher Loaded. (Chapters include):
    1. Binge-washing with 90-proof Cascade
    2. Adding gin to the soap dispenser, vermouth to the rinse reservoir, and sticking a couple of olives on toothpicks in the silverware basket
17. Inconvenient Truths: There is such a thing as “New Car Smell,” but there’s no such thing as “New Bus Smell.”
18. People, It’s Time to Stop Grieving: The Beatles are not getting back together…At least not in this world
19. Don’t Worry, It’s Just Peanut Butter.
20. Is There Such Thing as New Train Smell? If Amtrak ever orders one, we may find out.
21. Learning to Pass Time in Creative and Healthy Ways By Writing Lists of Rejected Books and Rambling On and On About How we’re All Absolutely Connected, But Just Don’t Realize It Right Now. Maybe Soon Though Because That’s the Way It Is. Peace and Love, Ringo

I can’t believe book #20 would be rejected. I’d read that. Sounds like a real page turner. BTW, my Literary Agent’s name is Paige Turner.

That is all.

 

Perfuming the World with a Potpourri of Applied Madness

1. Man’s Rolex dies an untimely death. He’s in denial stating, “Not on my watch.”
2. I’ve always marveled at the work of the Early Impressionists: Frank Gorshin, Rich Little and of course Claude Monet. Gorshin imitated Kirk Douglas, Rich Little mimicked Nixon and Monet did a fabulous impression of various Lily’s.
3. You decide: Is this a Ghoulish Idea, or a Humane Method of eliminating miscarriages of justice? – Instead of the death penalty, guilty parties will be sentenced to life in a medically-induced coma. That way if exonerating evidence surfaces, the comatose prisoner can be revived, given a really big apology, and sent back into society with a crisp C-note and a new suit.
   

   Can you tell I was a Caesarean?

4. For the Legume Identificatory Challenged: I accidentally bought Crunchy Peanut Butter. Again. I hate when that happens. Couldn’t the Crunchy jar realize my imbecility and announce: “Hey Stupid! I’m the crunchy one. Put me back. The smooth one is right next to me. It says ‘Smooth’ on the label.”
5. Uncommon reactions to the COVID Vaccine (contraindications):
   1. SleepFarting – A nighttime side effect similar to Sleepwalking, but much, much gassier. The clinical term for this affliction is SNFS – Spontaneous Nocturnal Flatulence Syndrome. It’s also known by its more grittier street name: Trigger-Happy Blowhole. These emissions can be startlingly louder and exponentially stinkier than simple snoring. It’s a 2-pronged attack on the senses of your spouse: their ears and their nose. A spouse will not only have to wear earplugs, but also a gas mask in order to neutralize their lovable little stinker. Ironically, SleepFarting leaves the calmly snoozing instigator, fuming.
   2. 180° Knee: A rare but troublesome side effect whereby the knees start to bend the other way. The problem arises when the sufferer doesn’t know whether they’re coming or going.
   3. SCS – Sistine Chapel Syndrome: Whereby the newly vaccinated develop an insatiable need to paint the ceiling of their bedroom with scenes of empyrean splendor
   4. HHS – Hugh Hefner Syndrome: Whereby the newly vaccinated develop an insatiable need to put mirrors on the ceiling so they may watch scenes of Sodom and Gomorrah
6. Love this John Mullaney line: “Growing up, I always thought quicksand would be more of a problem.”
7. Former NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has been hit in the head 333 times by low-hanging ceiling fan blades. Two times by low-flying airplanes and once by an angel, he didn’t know, could fly, so low. That angel was Phyllis Diller.
8. The poor guy has no luck with money. He put all his life savings in a cloud bank. Then the sun came out and it evaporated. He should’ve saved for a rainy day. This is the same guy who thinks Bitcoin is something you do to your money to make sure it’s not filled with chocolate.
9. The guy has no luck with women. In fact, he can’t even get a date from a date tree – or a hand job from a palm tree. He has, however, gotten really good cone from a pine tree.
10. Charles “Lucky” Lindbergh flew his aero plane wearing an old-fashioned leather helmet. It’s true. You can Goggle it – the helmet that is. You can also Google his goggles. And if you’re a fan of Lady Gaga, you can Google Gaga. I luv baby talk.
11. I found out the hard way that drinkable SPF doesn’t work because you apply it “where the sun don’t shine.” Spray-on Gatorade doesn’t work either. But spray-on Gatorade is an effective birth control because if you do use spray-on Gatorade, no woman will come near you.
12. Why does the butler get his own his own pantry? It’s not fair. Butlers have got it maid.
13. Overheard in little Timmy’s tree fort: “How come nothing’s as fun as I used to think it was.”
14. Everyday you’re supposed to be grateful for the majesty of life. And I am. Immensely. But y’know eventually you pass on and there’s nothing left to feel grateful for every day. Is it enough to think so short term about gratitude? Is there some bigger picture I should have even more gratitude for now? Let me know. Signed, SleepFarter in Seattle.
15. Great sages have eminently declared: “The truth does not require your belief.” And yet I wonder if that’s true.
16. J’ever have one of those days where for some reason, you have to take your socks on and off like 8 times? Neither have I. If I ever did have an experience like that I think it would knock my socks off.  
17. I don’t want to “power through” anything anymore. I’d rather “path of least resistance through” things. Well maybe I could manage to power through the Bottomless Pasta Bowl at the Olive Garden or the Bottomless Stage Show at a Gentlemen’s Club
18. These 2 carnivores walk into a salad bar. The vegtender says, “We don’t get a lot of carnivores around here.” And the meat eaters say, “And at these prices you’re not going to get many more.”
19. 2 Vegans walk into a slaughterhouse. The butcher says, “We don’t get a lot of vegans around here.” And the vegans say, “This is quite a plant you’ve got here.”
20. We join this discount joke already in progress: 2 sets of Siamese twins walk into a walk-in closet and say, “We should really split.” And the closet-tender says, “I can give you half off.” And the Siamese twins say, “Perfect because we can only pay you 50% each.”
21. Consciousness is: The felt presence of immediate experience. Stick that in your navel and contemplate it.

 

1. She encouraged Andy to have “The Talk” with Opie after finding one of her bras tucked under the youngster’s pillow
2. Baskin-Robbins revealed that Aunt Bee was the inspiration for its most popular flavor – Vanilla
3. I remember fondly that first episode where she slowly descends into Mayberry while holding her umbrella in the air. That was Aunt Bee wasn’t it?
4. To tame an unruly cowlick in Opie’s hair, she once used a dab of Gorilla Glue. It stayed down for all 8 seasons and remained down until Ron Howard went bald.
5. Her torrid off-screen love affair with co-star Don Knotts produced 3 out-of-wedlock children whom the Brady’s quietly adopted and raised as their own – the youngest one in curls.
6. At the ’36 Berlin Olympics, Aunt Bee won Gold in the Beecathlon
   

   “This is our worst church fundraiser ever.”

7. Told that no-good Colonel Harlan Sanders, “I’ll see you in Hell” after he stole her secret fried chicken recipe featuring 11 herbs and spices
8. Aunt Bee was all set to star in the lead role of “The Flying Nun” till that dimple-cheeked Sally Field swooped in and snatched it away.
9. During rehearsals, she often wore her robe “loosely gathered” in the front. #CantUnseeIt #NippleHair
10. Those Ritz Mock Apple Pies…Aunt Bee’s idea. She explained, “Oh dear, sometimes the apples at the Mayberry Market can be a little costly. Abe Mortimer, the produce manager, says he has to pay the same price for his apples as those Big City apples they sell in Raleigh. Well I say fiddlesticks. Who needs apples to make an apple pie?” Thus was born the Ritz Mock Apple Pie.

Fun Fact: Years later Andy Griffith would do TV commercials for Ritz Crackers. Remember Andy declaring in his soothing southern drawl: “Everything tastes great, when it sits on a Ritz. Mmmm, good cracker, good cracker.”  And come to think of it, for a southerner, Andy was a good Cracker.  

11. Andy was never more embarrassed than when Opie asked, “Paw, how come whenever Aunt Bee drops her purse it starts to vibrate?”
12. Aunt Bee did not use a stunt double in the ghoulish Twilight Zone episode where vengeful little Billy Mummy transforms her into a tumbleweed as punishment for not letting him watch cartoons. In the chilling final scene we hear a howling wind blowing, and off in the distance we see her spherically-bloated body come tumbling into view as she uncontrollably cartwheels across a dark highway. And when she skitters past we hear her wailing desperately: “Oh Andy! Do something Andy!”
13. Not only was she the inspiration for Baskin-Robbins vanilla flavor, but her down-home Southern cooking also inspired Campbell’s to introduce 3 new soups: Cream of Whiteness, Caucasian Chowder and Confederate Wedding Soup
14. In “The Dangling Bee” episode, after completing a bungee jump challenge to raise money for the church’s new fiberglass cross, we see an unruffled and composed Aunt Bee dangling upside down at the end of her rope – her bonnet is intact and she’s still clutching her plain black purse in her delicate white gloves.

Witnessing this, her fellow Mayberrite George “Goober” Lindsay remarked, “Dang, if that Aunt Bee don’t beat all. She’s outta this world. Like one-those ass-tro-nauts.”

15. From 1968 on, whenever setting her table, she quietly showed her solidarity with the Black Panther movement by placing a copy of Eldridge Cleaver’s “Soul on Ice” on its own doily, next to the dinner rolls
16. While working at a Speakeasy during the Jazz Age, she lost a bar bet to fellow-flapper Bea Arthur. She carried her “Keep Cool with Coolidge” tattoo with her to the grave. Back in those heady times she and Ms. Arthur were very active and known as the Busy B’s.
17. On sultry Mayberry days, Aunt Bee would often pull down the blinds and do her housework in a G-string. And this article also was later found tucked under Opie’s pillow.
18. Who can ever forget the macabre Halloween episode “What’s That in Aunt Bee’s Bonnet?” While he’s dressing her hair for the Women’s Auxiliary Ball (whatever that is), Floyd the Barber discovers that the flower in Aunt Bee’s trademark bonnet…is actually growing out of her head! Egad! He quietly trims the offending blossom, presses it between his Bible and it is never spoken of again.
19. Aunt Bee once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die
20. Did you know that Aunt Bee invented the “Polo” response feature to the popular pool game of “Marco Polo?” At least now the game makes some sense. Before she invented the “Polo” response feature, kids in the pool would just randomly yell out “Marco” in a pointless stream of unanswered queries. Poolside loungers thought these kids had some kind of aquatic Tourette’s Syndrome. Sad really. But now, thanks to Aunt Bee, adults hoping to relax by the pool get to hear a cluster of 15 “Marco…Polos” shrieked in rapid succession. Un Florida the game is played “Marco” “Rubio.”
21. Let It Bee! Beatle fans everywhere believe that if Aunt Bee had met John Lennon before he met Yoko, the Beatles would’ve broken up even sooner.
22. Mayberry fans can easily chart Opie’s meteoric growth in relation to Aunt Bee. In the episode entitled “Opie’s Big Spurt” the boy hits puberty right before our very eyes. This coming-of-age episode begins in B&W where we see a cuddly Opie barely coming up to his Aunt Bee’s unpadded shoulders. But by the show’s end he’s shaving, he’s 5’8” and he’s in color. When Opie (Ron Howard) hits puberty we can only wonder – can Happy Days be far away?
23. Aunt Bee never had a tan line…that she knows of. She did, however, have to explain her “Keep Cool with Coolidge” tattoo a few times – mostly to people who’d never heard of this Calvin Coolidge fellow.  
24. An unaired episode scripted by Lillian Hellman was entitled “What’s in Aunt Bee’s Closet.” In this revealing episode we witness a deeply suppressed side of the caring and conflicted aunt. At the monthly quilting bee held in the church vestry, everyone is quietly attending to the patriotically-themed quilt. Suddenly Aunt Bee is overcome by a spasm of wanton lust. She throws down her needles, rushes to Helen Crump and plants a hard kiss, flush on her fellow-quilter’s lips. When a bewildered Helen drops her quilting blocks and recoils in shock, Aunt Bee laughs-off the whole thing and chalks it up to: “Oh me, I guess all that homemade marmalade I ate this morning had fermented.” In an alternative ending Helen returns Aunt Bee’s affections and they go out and buy a Subaru.  
25. True fact (not that the others weren’t, but this one is “truly” true): Ronny Howard stayed in regular touch with the aged and caring spinster until her death in Siler, NC in 1989.
26. In later years it would be discovered that Aunt Bee (Frances Bavier) was a Bodhisattva. An enlightened being returned to Earth to relieve suffering by soothing the jangled nerves of a restive nation unable to grasp the proximity of divine consciousness. Such humble self-sacrifice. Such noble sentiments. We salute you Aunt Bee. For without your exemplary presence, we might all be skittering across the dark and lonely highway of life lamenting, “Oh Andy! Do something Andy!”

Goodnight sweet Bee.

1. Discovering too late, that what you thought would “make you stronger,” actually killed you
2. Cleaning the leaves from your gutter and getting hit by debris from a Boeing 777 engine
3. Asking Chuck Norris which of the LGBTQ letters he most closely identifies with
4. 

   Not for $1 million. $2 million. Not for all the cheese in Wisconsin. 

   Eating 3 consecutive meals at any restaurant featured on “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives”

5. Challenging someone by saying, “Over my dead body.”
6. Falling asleep in Steve Bannon’s laundry hamper
7. Quicksand
8. Puncture wounds from taking a Meteor Shower
9. Getting gored when falling on a fire hydrant – during the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain
10. Getting Gored to death while discussing carbon emissions with former Vice President Al Gore
11. Involuntary head removal due to a low hanging ceiling fan
12. Inhaling next to Kim Jong Un
13. Walking into a bar. Not the kind that serves drinks.
14. Drinking an out-of-season Shamrock Shake
15. Drinking an in-season Shamrock Shake
16. Experiencing a 9.5 earthquake in Ireland: aka a Shamrock Shake
17. Standing next to an amorous Randy Quaid when he realizes you’re under a mistletoe
18. Covering yourself in honey and standing too close to a mother birthing her bear cub
19. Covering yourself in asbestos and standing too close to a Saturn V rocket nozzle when it blasts off
20. Standing too close to Gwen Stefani when she peroxides her hair
21. Wondering too strongly what it’s like to free climb El Capitan
22. Arrogantly trying to prove “There’s absolutely no way the power is still on” by sticking your tongue into a circuit breaker
23. Getting sucked into an Escher print
24. Getting sucked into a conversation with Joe Rogan about MC Escher
25. Experiencing a fall from Grace. Note: Grace must at least 15 feet or taller.
26. Trying to find meaning in The Who song “Squeeze Box”
27. Self-inflicted wounds from poorly aiming your bullet points
28. Getting blindsided by a tumbleweed
29. Getting into the dryer just to warm up for a minute
30. Trying to Binge watch The Dukes of Hazard
31. Trying to Bitch watch Sex and the City
32. Getting “let go” from your job at a firing range

1. The Lambshank Redemption – After a disastrous Thanksgiving dinner, prison cook Kyle Porter redeems himself with a Christmas lamb shank dinner all the inmates praise.
2. Petty Woman – Julia Roberts presides over a book club of small-minded women who read and discuss one-star Yelp! reviews
3. 

   Yeah, somebody else got there first, but I came by my thoughts honestly and these were all original ideas so you’re getting something in short supply these days – Trith. I mean Truth.

   Plump Fiction – Tarrantino blows the lid off the weight loss industry

4. Fat and Furious: How Roseanne Barr Lost Her TV Series – Weight waits for no one
5. Apocalypse Later – In this dilatory sequel to Apocalypse Now moviegoers felt cheated. They said “Armageddon delayed is Armageddon denied”
6. Batman: Dark Chocolate – A very sweet picture where Ghirardelli and Cadbury vie for global chocolate supremacy. Cadbury sets the bar low, so children can reach it. Ghirardelli sets the bar high, to attract adults with money. How low can they go? – that question is in limbo.
7. Triassic Park: Algae-geddon – In this slow-moving thriller set 225 million years ago, red and green phyto-planktons vie for chromatic dominance in the primordial ocean. In a stunning reveal at the 3-hour mark, they penetrate each other’s membranes only to discover they’re each other’s fathers. In the end a unifying Algae Bloom appears to be reddish-green confirming the truth that all single-celled life matters. It’s a movie only a microbiologist historian could love – all 9 of them.
8. When Harry Met Larry – A recent widower (Harry) seeks counseling from an LGBTQA? group. He gets the acronym all jumbled-up and somehow falls in love with his grief counselor (Larry).
9. Hairy Poppins – Robin Williams in his last role. A hairy and magical male nanny brings great cheer into the joyless lives of sheltered children. Songs include: Just a Spoonful of Nutella and SuperDisneydocious
10. The Sound of Mucous: Life in a Tuberculosis Ward – A light-hearted look at respiratory distress. Patients find the songs an inspiration before their expiration.
11. Melted: Life in a Globally Warmed World – It’s Frozen warmed over. All the action figures are damp.
12. Close Encounters of the Worst Kind – How COVID has upended dating
13. Close Encounters of the Wurst Kind – Weinerschnitzel deals with a contaminated batch of brats.
14. Close Encounters of the Aryan Kind: Hitler Gets a Massage – After a superlative massage given by an archetypal, bare-chested Rhine maiden, the Fuhrer has an epiphany. He’ll pursue hedonism, pleasure and love instead of world domination, genocide and war. The term Nazissage is introduced. All it took was one positive experience with a caring, giving woman and boom; 40 million people get to live. Funny how the world can turn on the slimmest of events.

And the Oscar Goes to: These Make-Believe Movies in Make-Believe Categories

1. Diluted Sriracha – Won for Best Weak Sauce
2. Butterscotch Sundae – Won for Best Week Sauce
3. Friday – Won for Best Week Day
4. Judas – Won for Worst Weak Link
5. Weinerschnitzel – Won for Best Wurst
6. Weinerschnitzel – Won again for Best Hot Link
7. Chimpanzees – Won for Best Missing Link
8. Link – Clarence Williams III won for Best Former Mod Squad Character.
9. Blynken – Won for Best Link between Wynken and Nod.
10. Lincoln – Won for Not Joining LinkedIn. Bad optics: Lincoln in LinkedIn
11. Weakest Link – Won for Breaking the Chain

I’ve enjoyed writing this for those who enjoy reading it. So to you who got this far and would like to send me money, send it to the World Food Programme https://www.wfp.org/.  Mr. Hardiman is not a paid spokesman, nor does he receive any food from the World Food Programme. I’m telling you the Trith.

1. I just Googled “goggles.” I Googled goggles and it responded with baby talk.
2. Did you know that a small, attractive manicurist is called a “cuticle?”
3. Least romantic words ever whispered into a lover’s ear: “Oh darling, God has a place for us in the shale of this planet.”
4. 

   Despite evidence to the contrary, this list is not a yawner.

   Is a person who repairs a fender bender a dent-ist?

5. Is a trail marked by bones an osteopath?
6. Are card-iologists skilled at hearts?
7. Did you know Egyptian cancer doctors are known as ankh-ologists?
8. Eco-podiatrists have small carbon footprints
9. If your urologist is my urologist that makes him myologist. What a pisser.
10. A doctor who puts your rectum to sleep is called an anusthesiologist. The pay is good, but the job stinks.
11. Virgins celibate life every day.
12. I’ve learned recently that Crayons are not edible. And thank God they’re non-toxic too.
13. Dumb New Year’s Resolution #1. This year I will drink all my beverages by dipping-in my toothbrush and then sucking it out through the bristles.
14. Palette Cleansing Statement of Certainty: The truth does not require your belief.
15. Breaking: Baby doctor loses her license. But the real question is how did she get one in the first place. I mean she’s only 16 months old. That is one baby doctor.
16. New Spice Girl works with dying patients. Her name: Ho Spice.
17. Botanists who love flowers are petalphiles.
18. Pediatricians who like to cycle are pedalphiles
19. Secretaries who like to file are filephiles
20. Manicurists who like to shape nails are also filephiles
21. People who adore manicurists who like to shape nails are filephilephiles.
22. Stories about foul air and stale odors are must-y reads
23. You can change your name. You can change your lion’s name. But you can’t change your lion’s mane.
24. Breaking: Felt finds new uses in women’s apparel. Women say they never felt this way before. The dark side is that many dresses are felt during fittings. #Handsoff
25. At the Garment Worker’s Bakery these items loom large: Silk Pie, Red Velvet Cake and Lemon Chiffon Pie.
26. Studies reveal that Evil people are unable to stomach Angel Food Cake.
27. You can eat ramen. You can eat your friend’s ramen. But you shouldn’t eat your friend’s crayons – even if they are non-toxic.
28. We screwed up. We thought we were brainstorming. But we were actually barnstorming.
29. In a related story, the National Weather Service has issued a tornado advisory for the Kansas Farm Belt. “Strong cyclonic winds may cause large farm structures to be ripped from their foundations. This may lead to widespread Barnstorming. Judy Garland should take note.”
30. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and he can tell you how many business days it is till that date.
31. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and he can tell you which tree it came from.
32. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and by the end of the night they’re deeply in love.
33. He’s a visionary. You can give him a blind date and by the end of the night she’s seeing again.
34. Parallel Duo-verses? Why do we run counterclockwise on an outdoor track when everything else we do is clockwise? However let us remember, it’s not counterclockwise when you’re looking at it from Hell. In that case you’re running absolutely clockwise. Same thing with pineapple upside-down cakes…or any upside-down cake for that matter (pineapple being the foremost of the upside-down cakes). When you look at these belly-up cakes from Hell, they’re actually right side up. In this rare double-negative case, 2 wrongs do make a right…side up.
35. In Victoria Secret’s book A Brief History of Briefs, chafing becomes an issue for Lady Chatterly’s ombudsman. Eventually an ointment soothes her irritated skin, in a chapter entitled Balm is the Bomb.
36. I’m a firm believer in the 2-party system: one in the morning and one in the evening
37. Sponsored: The culture in Dannon Yogurt fortifies both society and the intestines. However the culture in Greek Yogurt, for no apparent reason, causes one to throw dishes.    

 

1. 

   Nothing to say. Just smiling away.

   My favorite nut is a donut

2. I like compliments, but be careful what you fish for.
3. I’ve got all the thyme in the world. I’ve now cornered the market on that herb. Screw you hedge funds. Any sage advice?
4. I’m more interested in celebrity nail clippings than I care to admit. If science makes it possible, maybe someday we can clone a Paul Giamatti or a James Dean (if we can get permission from his estate). Nailed it!
5. Feb 2nd. Well for some reason I saw your shadow this morning. Looks like another 6 weeks of non sequiturs.
6. I really have nothing to say. No, really. If you stop reading I’ll stop writing.
7. Look away and this whole thing can end. Now. But you won’t, or you can’t. Damn it! I can’t quit you either and yet I still got nuthin’ to say.
8. Oh face it. I’m nothing without you and you can’t turn away from my nothingness. There’s less here than meets the eye and perhaps that’s why it’s so compelling. I’m writing from the other side. I’m not trying to make a case or engage you and you like that. Don’t you? Yeah, your daddy author knows you alright – I feel you pouring over my words with your eyes. I’m onto something here and you’re a breathless witness to it. Oh man. Now we’re on an adventure. I know it. You know it and somewhere the Hallmark Network knows it too. This thing has become, well….a thing.
9. And now I’ve peaked. And I can see the truth. I mean, I’ve peeked and I can see the truth. It’s what you always suspected. It’s just a dream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.
10. Conversely, this. This list is what you’d read if you had nothing to read.
11. I’d say we’ve achieved some significant literary closure here – that is, if I had anything to say at all.

• The first words I hope to hear after I die are: “You have arrived!”
• The last words I want to hear are: “When able make a legal U-turn.”

Back in 1982 AD it never crossed my mind that Dustin Hoffman would one day become a Hollywood relic. At that time he was a mercurial Hollywood mega-talent of the highest order – a chameleonic actor who lent off-beat certitude to the myriad characters he embodied. Tootsie had just been released and his body of work prior to that had been fascinatingly varied and searingly memorable. But alas, I must report, he has at long last become an appreciated, but mostly forgotten relic. An 83-year-old amulet of a bygone era when box office stars could carry a movie – when you’d go to the cinema to see the actor and not necessarily the movie. That he has recently been dogged by sexual harassment claims further tarnishes his evaporating status.

 

Life is so fleeting. One minute you’re delicately trimming your debonair moustache because she likes it neat and tidy, and in the next instance you’re trimming crab grass from your ears because you’re beginning to look like you should be institutionalized. Things change. Sorry Dusty, few are still interested in stories about how during casting calls for Kramer vs Kramer you found chemistry with the adolescent actor who won the part of the little kid (“And then I knew…That’s my guy?”). People little note the happenstance of the gritty, unrehearsed “I’m walkin’ here” street scene from Midnight Cowboy. Like so much celebrity stardust it positively fades into generational obscurity. It’s done. It’s over. I’m bereft.

 

Strangely, these behind-the-scenes Hollywood stories are preserved in my memory because when I first heard them I thought these anecdotal celebrity tales meant something special and, for whatever reason, I held them close. Wouldn’t they last forever as part of the national memory? Is there even a national repository where such memories are archived? The point is, celebrity anecdotes like these were searingly memorable to me. They were definitive Tinseltown accounts on how somebody got a part, or on how a famous scene evolved, and they were forever preserved in my mental amber. This informed my world and allowed me what I thought was a sure, swift purchase on the prevailing cultural zeitgeist. I wasn’t wrong then, but 40 years hence I think I’m wrong now.

 

At the risk of sounding too profound, let me just say: the only permanent thing in life is change. And now that I’ve reread that last sentence, I don’t think I ever had to worry about sounding “too profound” …or even “profound” at all. If you’re not a little profound you’re actually lost. Which is where I go to find my deepest profundity – to the Lost and Profound Dept. Anyway this whole “Dustin Hoffman is a relic” thing is more my problem than his. After all, he got to be Dustin Hoffman while I just watched.

And now Billy Crystal and has gotten old – and without anyone’s permission. As of this writing he’s 71 and counting. His relevancy has ebbed. He deserves better. We deserve better. Crystal hosted the Academy Awards 9 times. For me he was the definitive host – a little majesty mixed with unexpected, spot-on humor. It’s true.  When he finished an Academy Awards show there were spots on everything (maybe I should leave the humor to him). The SNL “You Rook Mah-velous” schtick was a timeless comedic landmark. Hell, Billie Holliday babysat him and Lew Alcindor and Cassius Clay were his friends (am I dating myself?). Time stops for no man, but it is kind enough to slow down if you’re passing a kidney stone or waiting to give a speech. And while time stops for no man, GameStop’s for no hedge fund.

And don’t get me started on our 75-year-old national treasure: Mr. Steve Martin. You want a stable genius? – thy name is Steve Martin. His protean artistic skills are enviable. And even though he’s not yet going quietly into that dark night, I don’t even want there to be a dark night for him to go into. It would be best if there were no dark nights for Steve…or even for Heath Ledger. And anyway, by definition aren’t all nights dark? And double anyway, I think the Dylan Thomas quote is “Do not go quietly into that good night.” Dark night, good night. I feel so impotent. I wonder if women ever feel impotent. Well that’s another story. Anyway, I love me some Steve. After getting his COVID vaccination he tweeted: “The good news is I got my COVID shot. The bad news is I got it because I’m 75.” Don’t go Steve. Not into any night. Move towards the light and banish the darkness by saying, “Goodnight good night.”