Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

1. 

   It’s only make believe if you think it is. Achtung Baby!

   Duh. Spend as much time as possible watching Hogan’s Heroes. There is no viable alternative. Achtung Baby!

2. Sleeping. Napping. Sleeping some more. And then hibernating. In between go on “Pajama Week” binges in my new pillow top bed.
3. Obey the folksy surety of Tom Selleck and get reverse mortgages on everything I own. Make Magnum Great Again.
4. Pretend to be spending more time with my family, when I’m really spending all my reverse mortgage money at the Indian casino
5. Visit car dealerships and do crossword puzzles in the backseat of a nifty showroom model, until they call security
6. On second thought, not to spend most of my time watching Hogan’s Heroes, but to spend all of my time watching Hogan’s Heroes. The prisoners running the Camp?…crazy man.
7. Visit the graves of Ben Matlock, Perry Mason and Colombo
8. Start peppering my vocabulary with age-appropriate words like spry, good days and bad days, tinkering, guff, puttering, early bird specials and back in the day
9. Obey Joe Namath and buy Supplemental Medicare Insurance for Part B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I-P and Z. Make Broadway Joe Great Again
10. Forget what I said before. I look forward to moving into the light and irrevocably crossing over into a Hogan’s Heroes Heaven where everything goes right because nothing can go wrong.

Dismissed.

1. 50 Shades of Windows: The X-Rated Microsoft Office Story
2. You Wouldn’t Know a Left Hook if It Hit You in the Face…and other Non-Sequiturs
3. “You are what your record says you are”: The Collected Wisdom of Coach William Parcells
4. Servant Gossip: How Laundry Hampers Hamper Help from Airing Their Dirty Laundry
5. The Sequel to “How the States Got Their Shape” entitled “How William ‘Refrigerator’ Perry Got His Shape”
6. They’re There to Bother You: Why the Prongs on a Plug are of Different Widths
7. They’re There to Bother Ewes: Why Rams Exist
8. Brilliant Insights That Will Completely Change Your Life…for About a Day and a Half, Then It’s Back to the Same Old Grind
10. Never Leave #9 Blank, and Other Perilous Omissions
11. How Can a 90° Angle be So Right When It Feels So Wrong?
12. Say Yes to the Dress: How Can a Sarong Fit So Tight When It Feels Sarong?
13. Orville and Wilbur Were Never Wrong Because They Were Always Wright
14. “I know how a thermostat works”: Lies You Tell Your Wife when you wake Up and Its 83° in the Bedroom
15. “I know what a right angle is”: Lies You Tell Your Math Professor when he Measures Your Right Angle and Its 83°
16. I Never Watch Wheel of Fortune, Eat at McDonalds or Suck the Tip Off a Can of Whipped Cream After I Use It and Other Things I Lie About
17. If the Fact That We’re All Going to Die, Lose Everything and Not Know Where We’re Going Afterwards Doesn’t Bother You, Then OK, I’ll Play Along and Not Panic Either: On Succumbing to the Peer Pressure of Healthy Coping Mechanisms
18. I Don’t Care Who Matthew Broderick Thinks He Is, He’ll Always be Ferris Bueller to Me
19. I Know I Shouldn’t Judge, But My God, You’re Just So Stupid
20. All That Glitters is Not Gold: But It Might Be, So You’d Better Pursue It Just in Case

1. Whenever I listen to Stairway to Heaven it makes me wonder. It really makes me wonder.

2. If I knew I was unconscious, would I still be unconscious?

3. Whenever I see a tumbleweed skittering across the highway, it looks like Aunt Bee tumbling by and crying out, “Oh Andy! Andy! Do something!”

4. What if the alphabet contained only the letters h, k, m, n, s, u and t? Mks u thnk

5. Is it me or have we all passed through a membrane or something?

6. 

   The Ayes have it.

   Am I the only one who freaks out because a halibut has both eyes on the same side of its face – kinda like Marty Feldman did? This should not go unexamined. I’m not saying it should be the first thing out of your mouth when you meet someone, but maybe the third thing. You could just kind of ease into it like this: “Nice to meet you too Frank. You’re right, it is kinda warm today. And are you as concerned as I am about halibuts’ eyes being on one side of their face? I mean if it can happen to them, it can happen to us. Right? All it takes is for good men to do nothing and the next thing you know our eyes are stacked one beneath the other. And why? – Just for the halibut.”

7. I must admit…there’s a feeling I get. When I look to the West. Anyway, it really makes me wonder

8. My friend Josiah is an old soul and I think his past lives get in the way? He still refers to the Hawaiian Islands as the Sandwich Islands. He calls Istanbul, Constantinople. He calls fish, trilobites and refers to women as chattel – ouch. Sometimes he even says “non-coalesced interstellar stuff” when he’s talking about earth. Josiah is one old soul. Maybe that’s why he lives in a sod house dugout. Oddly enough, he’s never cut the cord; but only because he never had cable in the first place. That said, I do appreciate the convenient touches in his house – spittoons, boot scrapers and handy chamber pots everywhere. He even has a delivery room for expectant mothers. Well, actually it’s a manger, but these mangers have a history of birthing some very enlightened babies.

9. I once heard a nerd order at a lunch counter the following: “I’d like a hamburger sandwich please. And some potatoes cooked in the French style. And may I request 2 packets of Fancy Catsup for use as a dipping sauce. Additionally, my fountain drink of choice is a sparkling Coca-Cola phosphate. Now for dessert, please provide me 2 Oreo Crème Sandwich cookies.” To which the waitress replies, “OK. Burger, fries, cookie and a Coke. That’ll be $7.50. And no, we don’t accept Bitcoin?”

10. Am I the only one who notices that in certain Seinfeld reruns, sometimes the characters do completely different things than they did in the original show? Like the show where everyone marvels at what an excellent dancer Elaine is or the where all 4 remain the masters of their domains. Maybe I’m living in some kind of alternative universe? But alternative to what? Kinda mks u thnk

11. Why is a washing machine that cleans clothes called a “washer” but a washing machine that cleans dishes is called a “dishwasher?” Dryer vs. hair dryer – same thing. Wasn’t this observation in a Seinfeld episode? It really makes me wonder.

12. I believe that every time you accidentally hit the print screen key, an angel gets its wings (providing they’d just ordered some from Applebee’s). However, if you accidentally hit the F8 key, well that’s just Fate (F8).

13. I wonder if Leonardo DaVinci felt any irony when he ate his last supper. Then again he’d only realize it was his last supper after the fact – and then his last supper would probably be more surprising than it was ironic. And no one even talks about his mother Mona DaVinci and his mistress Lisa Cacciatore whom he mashed-up in his famous painting the Mona Lisa. Their eyes were perfectly situated on either side of their noses, but that wry smile – that’s Lenny laughing at us. And I’ve heard tale that when the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel was painted DaVinci was naked the entire time. And what makes this even stranger is that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel. It’s just that reports indicate that while Michelangelo was painting it in Rome, DaVinci was butt naked in Florence. Mks u thnk. And maybe…makes you wonder.

14. I wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio feels any sense of foreboding when he’s eating supper…“Could this be Leonardo’s last supper?”

15. I wonder if dogs know how much we appreciate the unconditional love they give.

16. One time a plastic grocery bag tumbled by me and I swore I could hear it cry, “Andy! Do something.”

17. I wonder if I’ve ever inhaled an oxygen atom once breathed by Jesus Christ…or even his brother, Angus H Christ. I mean as if Jesus’s blood and body aren’t enough, now we have to have his breath too? This is really going to complicate communion. Anyway I’m sure I’ve inhaled some atoms from King Louis the 16^th because I’m always losing my head.

18. I wonder if Muhammad Ali will be remastered and reissued in a boxed set?

19. I don’t think I could ever eat at a restaurant called “The Honey Bucket.” In their ads, they claimed that every time you eat at a Honey Bucket, a janitor gets its mop.

20. Some of my favorite gaze: 1. Looking to the West 2. Staring at a candle while in deep meditation and 3. Leonardo DaVinci. It’s true.

 

21. The truth is true no matter what we believe. But still…it really makes me wonder.

Orphans Ask to Meet Their Maker

Orphans residing at the Sweet Charity Home for Orphans asked their home’s director if they could meet their maker. After clearing several legal hurdles the children were reunited with their birth parents. “Don’t get me wrong,” remarked little Fletcher, “Meeting our parents is great and everything, but we were really hoping to meet God.”

Director Grenholm apologized for the semantic mix up.

In a related story

Cookies Meet Their Maker and It Doesn’t Go Well

In an unexpected reuniting of bakers and their cookies, a package of Nabisco Chips Ahoy! cookies finally got to meet their maker – in more ways than one. They came away both disappointed and disappeared. The cookies met with their baker makers, but the meeting lasted only 10 minutes; or just enough time for the workers to tear open the package and devour every last one of them right there in the employee break room. In the span of 10 short minutes they got to meet their makers as well as meeting their maker.

Shift Manager Grenholm (no relation) apologized for the semantic mix-up.

Prisoners’ Escape Plot Thwarted

Convicts serving 10 in Leavenworth were stymied in their latest escape attempt when co-conspirators could only provide them with the wire cutters, and not the ladder they requested. In other words they gave them the former, but not the latter.

Warden Grenholm (possibly related) was grateful for the semantic mix-up.

Skittles Demand to Meet Their Maker

Skittles fruit candies expressed a strong desire to meet the guy who makes them. When the guy phoned to say, “I can’t” they protested, “Awww c’mon. The Candy Man Can. The Candy Man Can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.”

BTW, in England, Skittles are known as Grenholms. Read the rest of this entry »

 

Rely on the quality of a Professional Building. Professional Buildings do this for a living and comport themselves with quiet brilliance.

So when considering a structure to suit your tenants’ needs remember to erect a Professional Building. Feel the pride of ownership when customers look at your building and say, “Now that is one Professional Building.”

Paid for by the Professional Builders Association.
The PBA: Making owners happy one erection at a time. 

1. Mirror That Makes You Look 10 Years Younger – Not recommended for children under 10 who become frightened when they look into their past life.
2. Riding Vacuum from John Deere – Don’t let those 8000 sq. feet of carpeting in your mansion gather dust. Keep them spotlessly clean with a Riding Vacuum from John Deere. Why not get one for each floor. You’ll find that Riding Vacuums suck a lot more than you think. And they practically disappear into the interior design when covered with their included Riding Vacuum Cozy.
3. Peeing Sink – Once you try this new streaming device you’ll never go back to aiming
4. 

   This is your brain on cauliflower.

   Refrigerator that dispenses crushed ice, cubed steak and chipped beef

5. Techno Doggy Door – A microchip-activated pet door that allows your chipped pet indoor/outdoor privileges. Works with husbands too, providing they’re also chipped. Even works with beef, as long as it’s chipped beef.
6. Programmable Paint from Microsoft – Paint your room one time, then set it and forget it. Alter the color as you see fit, when you see fit. Note: Paint must be chipped, even though most people don’t like chipped paint.
7. Detached Manger – No room in the house for the new baby? Not a problem with this biblically themed nursery. Raise your child like he’s the Second Coming or at least like the angel he is. Insulated manger comes with frankincense, myrrh and a straw floor. Great for out-of-town visitors come to pay their respects. One look at its simple straw-themed design and you’ll say, “Hay!”
8. A 2^nd Floor Above-Ground Swimming Pool – Classy and white trashy. Guaranteed not to collapse…unless it does. Then enjoy your new Staircase Waterfall at no extra cost. Comes with ethically-sourced, gluten-free water noodles.
9. Aah-oo-Gah Doorbell Chime – This supersonic doorbell breaks the sound barrier and guarantees you get to your Amazon package at the door before a robber scoops it up. It’s sonic boom is said to cure people suffering from Shy Bladder.
10. Crawlspace Catacombs – This one might be illegal. We’ll discuss it in person.
11. Mirrored Toilet Seat – Popular in England where they tend to be a little cheekier. Some find its reflection confusing because they don’t know whether they’re coming or going.
12. Random Desperate Bird Fluttering Inside the House, Way Up in the Vaulted Ceiling – Guaranteed to make you feel like you’re living in a Home Depot or an Airline Terminal. If the bird escapes, all guarantees are out the window.
13. Walk-in Closet with 30 Foot Drop into a Foam Pit – Located in the guest room, this adrenalizing freefall gives the in-laws a gentle pause for thought about ever visiting you again.
14. 48-Car Underground Garage – Or, for the more frugal, a 36-car above ground parking structure. Underground garage incompatible with the Crawlspace Catacomb.
15. Nuclear Powered Doorbell Light – The last doorbell light you’ll ever buy. And probably the only one too. Always leaves a light burning in the doorbell – at 950° inside a transparent titanium containment vessel. Take great comfort in the manufacturer’s guarantee that it will stay illuminated eons after the sun explodes and vaporizes Solar System. Pairs well with Aah-oo-Gah horn option.
16. Bidet/Hydration Station Bubbler – Proves that you can drink where you clean.
17. Husband-proof Appliances – Designed especially for husband-proofing the house by ensuring that:
    1. The dirty clothes are not put in the dryer before they’re washed
    2. Laundry does not come out of the wash all one color
    3. Soap is put in the dishwasher before it’s turned on
    4. Dishes are put in the dishwasher before it’s turned on
    5. Food is put in the microwave before it’s turned on
    6. The electric toothbrush doesn’t shock you back to 2^nd grade
    7. The remote is never lost because it’s attached to a can’t-be-misplaced kayak
    8. The freezer and the refrigerator are not both set to the same temperature
18. Every Door in the House Operates Like a Garage Door – Make entering any room an event with this brawny option. Comes with a universal remote. Pet-safe…if their chipped.
19. Hilarious Woman’s Shoe  Closet with Room for Only 4 Pair of Shoes– Prove that you have an unbounded sense of humor by showing visitors this ridiculously undersized storage closet specially built for your wife’s 4 pairs of shoes.
20. Drone Ceiling Fan – Fly it to the room where it’s most needed
21. Reverse Microwave that Makes Things Cooler – It’s finally here. By overcoming the primordial forces of nature the Reverse Microwave draws about 450 gigawatts of electricity per use. Therefore your Electrical Panel must be hooked-up directly to the Hoover Dam. A better option may be to just put whatever it is you want cooled in the refrigerator for 15 minutes.
22. Thinly Sliced Deep-Fried Potatoes – Note: In order to do this correctly, potatoes must be chipped.
23. Chocolate Cookie and Card Playing Gaming Table – Note: The cookies and the table must both be chipped
24. Favorite Son on the TV show My Three Sons – Gotta be Chip.
25. Favorite 70’s TV Show – You guessed it: ChiPs

David?

Yes.

What do these last few entries about chips have to do with home improvement ideas?

Well, let’s face it folks. I’m off the rails here and I’m loving it. It’s fun to go nuts when you’re not driving a car, performing surgery or sitting in a church pew. I encourage y’all to do the same once in a while. In that way you’d be a chip off the old block.  

Now being celebrated thanks to special interest groups, lobbyists and me:

1. National Dog Day – Because every dog has its day
2. Doris Day Day – To remind us that a day without Day is like night. No word yet on a Susan Dey Day or a Kiki Dee Day.
3. Leaf Blower Awareness Day – Hardly necessary. I mean what day are we not aware of them?
4. Sarcasm Font Appreciation Day – Really? Yes, really. Whoopee, a whole day. Well la-ti-da. Everything I ever needed to know about sarcasm fonts I learned at Font U.
5. A Hard Day’s Night Day – Who doesn’t love the Beatles. For me it’s just a day in the life.
6. Kleenex Tissue Appreciation Day – This day is both mind and nose-blowing. Hemingway once said, “Courage is grace under pressure.” Well if that be true then “Kleenex is valor in the face slime.” To a self-sacrificing Kleenex, nose-blowing is mucous to their ears. Breaking News: Man sneezes on dog. Phlegm at 11.
7. Tankless Hot Water Systems Appreciation Day – It’s a tankless task so they gave’m a day
8. Self-Awareness Awareness Day – For enlightened people who forget themselves. It is celebrated by looking at yourself in a mirror until you’ve switched places or Alice shows up.
9. National “Is This a Thing Day” – Well, is it a Thing? They gave it a day so I guess that makes it a Thing. Someone was thinging outside the box.
10. Gee I Wonder if the Other Side of My Ceiling Fan Blades Have Satanic Messages On Them Appreciation Day – Helps paranoid homeowners come to terms with this great unknown.
11. Poached Eggs with Salt and Pepper Over Crisp Toast Month – So good! I’m head ova heels for these eggs
12. Scurvy Prevention Month – C if you handle it by eating beriberi. Lymes also prevent this disease
13. Blood Donor Awareness Day – O I’m just trying to B positive about this even though the bloody English opted out of this Day through a Blexit
14. Appreciating People Who Pronounce the words “Newcular, Supposebly and Aks” Correctly – It’s a hole nother way of preciating something
15. Just to reiterate, and this isn’t part of the list, but the poached egg thing in #11…Huge. Try it again. Irresistible.
16. Cars with Back-up Rear Camera Appreciation Day – A great device. I just wish my techno-savvy kid would stop secretly splicing in film of the Grand Canyon when I’m backing up. Scared the bejesus out of me.
17. National I Wish My Kid Didn’t Scare the Bejesus Out of Me Day – (see above) It’s a day just for me thanks to my techno-savvy kid
18. The Good Kind of Cancer Appreciation Day – Thank the Lord for small favors and even smaller tumors
19. List of Ultra-Obscure National “Appreciation” Days Appreciation Day – Start yours today

 

Private email between Cleveland’s front office and Politically Correct Consultants LLC was intercepted and is presented below:

Dear Cleveland Indigenous Peoples’ Baseball Team,

As per our $2 million contract to provide you with a comprehensive list of appealing, yet inoffensive nicknames for the team, we’ve listed below prospective cognomens you should consider. And precisely because you’re paying us $2 million we used the word cognomens instead of the more appropriate word nicknames.

Before each nickname below, please say to yourself: “The Cleveland <insert nickname>”.

1. 1. Cuticles – Where all the games are nail biters
   2. Make the Indians Great Again – We know. It has the words “Indians” in it, but it’s appeal to a certain group is undeniable. We see MIGA hats everywhere.
   3. Eeries – The scary mistake by the lake
   4. COVIDS – We think it’s an infectious little nickname. Too soon? Let’s find out.
   5. Grovers – They hope to win 2 non-consecutive championships
   6. Plain Dealers – Sponsored by the local newspaper. BTW, a newspaper is that big papery thing with print on it.
   7. The Baseball Team Formerly Known as the Cleveland Indians – And we’ll use Prince’s symbol in place of “Indians”
   8. Savages – Not Indian savages. Just generic savages. Yeah that’s what we’ll tell’em.
   9. Ohioans – A stupid name, but if Houston can be the Texans, then why not the Cleveland Ohioans. Up next: The Red Sox become the Boston Massachusettsans
   10. Quid Pro Quos – Give as good as you get. For every run you score, you’ll surrender one in return.
   11. Indianans – Wrong state, but we could kinda sneak in the Native American flavor while maintaining plausible deniability
   12. Not-so-Cavaliers – They take things more seriously than their NBA brothers
   13. We Honor All Primates No Matter How Much More Advanced We Are Than They Are – A little wordy, but sure to receive the approbation of the Animal Kingdom

Should you have any questions or comments we’re available for video conferencing on ZOOM or CAUGHTMASTURBATING

All Seriousness Aside,

Politically Correct Consultants LLC

1. Aging porn stars starting to show cracks. Starting? What else is new?
2. What happens if President Trump is unable to govern? A. How will we know the difference.
3. In my drawers there’s a shorts story entitled: A Brief History of Briefs
4. I’m a great believer in the 2-party system: one in the morning and one in the evening.
5. Deathbed Encouragement I: Jesse Jackson to Bob Hope: “Keep hope alive. We must keep hope alive.
6. Deathbed Encouragement II: Steven Tyler to his daughter Liv Tyler. “Live, Liv. Live.”
7. Deathbed Encouragement III: Matthew McConaughey comforting a hospice patient, “Well alright, alright, alright.”
8. Amazon Savant: You can give him any date and he can tell you how many business days it is from today.
9. What’s the difference between brainstorming and barnstorming? There’s no “I” in barnstorming. Incidentally, there is no eye in blind either.
10. Jesus’ Brother Reexamined

         Cheesus Christ – The true dairy Savior and the Patron Saint of lost cheese

11. I divide the world in to 2 groups. The blindly ignorant who unshakably believe what they know. And the regular ignorant, who are just trying truths on for size and cling to nothing. For example, my articles of faith have been through several reprints.
12. Lioness’s lonely niece links loneliness to lessons learned.
13. Lament of the Ignorant: Nothing is as fun as I used to think it was
14. I’m going off the reservation now and decamping to virtual reality. I think this whole list is starting to show cracks. Butt what of it?

 

1. Keep your friends close and your enemas closer
2. Better late than pregnant
3. Damn the torpedoes, and get me some scratch-offs
4. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for persimmons
5. Some curse the darkness. Others light a fart.
6. John Waters runs deep
   

   One good David deserves an audience.

7. God helps those who wash behind their ears
8. I’m only moderately clean – I’m just Spic
9. If I said you looked like something that slid of a mud flap, would you hold it against me?
10. I’m only moderately clean – I’m just Span
11. OCD’s Lament: Measure 43 times, cut once.
12. I’m only moderately clean. I’m not next to godliness, but I’m close.
13. Epidermis is only skin deep
14. Blood is redder than water
15. Man doth not live by Ramen alone
16. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy
17. Sometimes you have to fight marshmallows with marshmallows
18. Actually I was just whistlin’ Dixie
19. Cataracts are in the eye of the beholder
20. Cataracts are in the falls of many rivers
21. Cadillacs are in the garages of their owners
22. We have met the enemy; and it’s Gretchen
23. Forgive me, but amnesty is the best policy
24. One good turn deserves a reach around
25. Dove is blind. It’s also ¼ cleansing cream.
26. Actions speak louder than Gilbert Gottfried
27. Funny is the root of all anvils
28. Peeing is believing
29. When in room do as the roomans
30. Absinthe makes the wart grow fungus
31. The Golden Rule. Not amendable. Just practice it and you’ll do fine.

 

Rejected Attempts

• A fishing net is worth a thousand worms
• A day without sunshine is like night
• You are what you toast
• The shortest distance between 2 pimps is a whore
• You’re through buying music…until the next format is invented
• Great minds think
• Haste makes waste and Nabisco makes Oreos
• Tax evasion is the sincerest form of thievery
• You can pick your nose, You can pick your friends, But you can’t carry forth non-depreciable tax items from the previous tax year