Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

The Rolling Stones at their height of popularity – about 5’10” or 5’11”

What if the Rolling Stones had been a Chinese band and their Mandarin Chinese publicist was tasked with translating their Chinese song names into the American idiom? This is what those song titles might look like alongside their more familiar title:

1. Gratification (I am Unable to Obtain) No, No, No           Satisfaction
2. Copulation and Pharmaceuticals and Sway & Twist      Sex and Drugs and Rock & Roll
3. Impress Upon the Authorities, I’m an Alienated Youth   Virtually any Stones song           
4. Ignite Me (I’ll Continue Ceaselessly)                              Start Me Up
5. Chronology is a Champion of My Cause                        Time is on My Side
6. Beneath My Opposable Digit                                          Under My Thumb
7. We Celebrate Our Boorish Behavior                              Any Stones song
8. I’m Aware of our Music (And I Enjoy It)                          It’s only Rock and Roll (But I Like It)
9. Tiny Matriarchal Abettor                                                 Mother’s Little Helper        
10. We Choose to Rebel in an Anti-social Manner              Any Stones Song
11. A Sleepover – For Us, You Think?                                Let’s Spend the Night Together
12. Yu-Lin                                                                            Angie
13. Darkness for All to Share                                              Paint it Black and Sympathy for the Devil
14. Many Numerous Anxieties Deconstruct Me                  19^th Nervous Breakdown
15. Hoochie Koochie Lady Girl                                            Honky Tonk Woman
16. Chevaux Sauvages                                                       Wild Horses (Sung in French)
17. Jumpin’ Jack Flash                                                       Jumpin’ Jack Flash
18. Thank God It’s Friday                                                    Ruby Tuesday
19. Sweet, Sweet and Almost Black                                   Brown Sugar
20. Altocumulus Standing Lenticular Banishment               Get Off of My Cloud
21. The Mighty Oxen Doth Plow for Us                               Beast of Burden
22. I Demand Quarters                                                        Gimme Shelter
23. Your Choice, Sometime No Can Do                              You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Thank you masses of fans. And these Cascading Down Pebbles of Various Sizes (The Rolling Stones) have played music for you long time. Over 50 years now. I am being enjoying them too. We hope to visit your walled cities soon and perhaps group sing without hypo-allergenic face mask. All goodness to you ~ Yao Zhen-Foo, Publicist for Cascading Down Pebbles of Various Sizes.

Look for my next installment in the Things One Should Not Wonder About, when I discuss people who speak sign language with an accent. All Goodness to You ~ David Hardiman

Let a smile be your umbrella. Especially with all the crap raining down this election cycle.

In a rare show of bipartisan goodwill, the Clinton and Trump campaigns issued a joint statement today saying: “Indoor plumbing is the bomb.” The two camps were quick to paper over what few differences remained. For example, Clinton supporters tended to sit on the pot longer, brooding about global warming, while Trump supporters had a penchant for gold-plated seats and tweeting about how unfair the media are. The unanimity displayed in appreciation of the great porcelain altar was striking. Usually cracks appear early in these agreement, but the few cracks that did appear were quickly obscured by a great darkness that descended over the offending split as it eclipsed the seat.

Clinton Bathroom Fixture Liaison, Maria Higginbotham explained, “Bathroom activities are the kinds of things that bring us together and bind the country – not so we’re constipated, but you know what I mean. People need to be in a position (usually sitting down) to freely express themselves in the privacy of their own little booth where citizens do their duty and then pull the lever to send their choice into the public domain. And, in the absence of webcams, no one is watching whether you pulled the lever for #1 or #2.

“Morning evacuation is a universal ritual we all share in and have an equal stake in. Speaking of steak, it doesn’t matter that our supporter’s contributions tend to contain more ethically-sourced and sustainably-farmed organic matter and theirs is practically all Cheetos (It’s why they’re so orange). In the end though, it all goes to the same place. Just like our souls do. It’s a perfect metaphor for life.”

Trump Hair Wrangler, Katie Hallmark agreed, “While it’s true our constituency tends to admire our work for a moment longer before flushing and the other side would prefer to compost theirs, we recognize that both camps – no matter how deplorable we are or how uppity they are – quietly celebrate the vortex-siphon action of watching our morning contribution to the water treatment plant spin merrily down the drain till it disappears forever.

“Obviously we have more in common than we have in dispute. And while polling has shown our supporters tend to “bunch” and their supporters prefer to “fold”, in the end it doesn’t really matter. It’s of no consequence to the sewer.”  

Supporters of both camps briefly held hands and bowed their heads in appreciation of the non-discriminatory policies of toilets. They’ll take on anyone regardless of SAT score or whether or not they use their turn signal. They don’t discriminate, although I’m sure it wouldn’t be their chosen profession if they had a choice. They’re just built that way.

In a further sign of unity, both the Clinton and Trump campaigns were said to be preparing a joint statement on the virtues of baseball, hot dogs and apple pie.

The real fictional characters: Harry, Hermione and Ron.

Living in the shadow of a more illustrious brother is never easy. Just ask Jesus’s baby brother James of Nazareth. Sibling rivalry is one thing but try being in competition when your brother is the Son of God – “Hey mom, here’s an ashtray I made at school.” “That’s very good Jimmy.” vs “Behold Mother Mary, here are 5000 loaves of bread I made out of thin air.” A brother could develop an inferiority complex living in the shadow of such an overachiever.

Sibling rivalries run deep – sometimes even into the lives of fictional brothers. Case in point; Harry Potter’s younger and less publicized brother, Clarence. This black sheep wizard of the family was no miracle worker. The best he could do was transform a loaf of bread into 15 pieces of toast. It was difficult following in the broom exhaust of his high-flying brother Harry. For example Clarence was not admitted to Hogwarts due to low test scores on his WAT (Wizard Aptitude Test), so instead of Hogwarts, he attended Hogwash. Whereas Harry took advanced classes in Charms and Potions, Clarence took remedial classes in Pull-my-finger and Got-your-nose. It was very demeaning. At one point he even blew-up the Alchemy Lab trying to transform ice into water. This kid was limited. He couldn’t get a Bunsen burner straight. Some even suspected he was a Muggle and had no magical powers at all except for writing his name in the snow with his magic wand. Read the rest of this entry »

Although suffering from a disfiguring dimpled chin caused by an errant harpoon, Kirk Douglas nonetheless became a major movie star and an exemplary human being. However…

Kirk Douglas will be 100 on December 9^th. When he was born, radio was in its infancy and so was King Tut. Doesn’t he know his time has come…and gone? Kirk buddy, there are no more Oscars for you. No one is going to throw you roses anymore; just orchids.  At least your chum Burt Lancaster had the good sense to exit the stage at 80. But you, my friend, don’t seem to want to take that direction – and you call yourself a “Directors actor.” Phooey. What can we do to get you an epitaph? I’m not encouraging you to die exactly, it’s just that I suffer from an OCD and I need to put you in a category whereby you can only make underground movies – 6 feet and underground movies.

You were old when I was born 55 years ago and your dimpled-chin presence unnerves me to this day. Your son Michael I get. He’s from my generation. If Tom Brokaw wrote a book about yours it would be called “The Sootiest Generation.” Weren’t you a character in several Charles Dickens’ novels? Paul Newman, Marlon Brando and most of the Bee Gees have passed on. Can’t you take a hint and quietly exit stage left? Why are you still hanging around? There will be no Spartacus 2. Read the rest of this entry »

George Washington: austere, exemplary and horny as hell.

Would you believe George Washington slipped his new bride the aphrodisiac Spanish Fly or that he had a porno stash that would make Hugh Hefner blush? Well just like George Washington couldn’t tell a lie, neither can I because everything I’ve written is true. Yes, the Father of our Country was not only an intrepid patriot, but he was also a gentleman horndog. Let me explain. George Washington’s gallant passions are all spelled out in decidedly non-lurid fashion in Ron Chernow’s book entitled Washington. Upon marrying that plump little vixen Martha (the richest widow in Virginia) in 1759, George Washington took the same derring-do he brought to the battlefield, to the bedroom. For example, George Washington braved great risk in conquering the fleshy desires of his new bride with the aphrodisiac Spanish Fly because, at that time, colonial Virginia was a No Fly Zone.   Read the rest of this entry »

• Silicon Valley’s premiere psychological recycling center for the burnt out tech worker
• Asylum-like residences in a luxurious clinical environment located on Alcatraz Island
• Patient-run since the uprising in 2014
• 1 and 2 bedroom cells available in 6 month or 1 year sentences

Our open air design encourages a free exchange of ideas.

Happily situated on “The Rock” in San Francisco Bay, Sanitarium Village Apartments are newly rehabilitated; just like you will be after your stay here. Our team of MotherBoard Certified clean room technicians will help defrag your central processing unit so you stop crashing. We’re like Mental Floss for your DOS. Our gated sanctuary is far, far away from the troubling demands of the binary mainland. The gates are designed to keep out the prying eyes of your company’s HR Dept., and, more importantly, to keep in the PTTD (Post Traumatic Tech Disorder) residents we supervise. Read the rest of this entry »

“But I thought…”

Despite exhibiting a grudging appreciation for today’s modern conveniences, many citizens have increasingly displayed a jaded resignation over the nauseating predictability of life’s uncontrollable events.

The Good

For example, going to a Jim Gaffigan comedy show should be great fun. And it is at one level, but attending this costly yuk fest is likely to break the bank and give you a not-so-humorous compound fracture of the funny bone. With all the attendant expenses this jaunty night out amounts to a $700 happening – $800 when you include convenience fees (that’s a euphemism for price gouging). The entire experience leaves one feeling like a cash cow that’s been milked of every cent in its pendulous udder. What was supposed to be a happy little yuk fest morphed into an expensive little yuck fest. Having unknown middlemen’s hands all up in your bursar sac is a violation of your private pouch and an affront to consensual purchases. It’s not so funny when your purse strings are plucked by innumerable unseen offenders who fantasize about anonymously tugging at your financial teat. All this for a comedy show?  – Hah, very funny. I don’t get it. And this is something people volunteer to do. Read the rest of this entry »

Tidy little bullet points. Creating an illusion of:
Ο Order
Ο Harmony
Ο Linear Perfection

Ο

Ο     

Ο     The sweet adage “Make love, not war” has been dismissed as an impractical pipe dream, but it does beg the question: Would we rather be at each other’s throats, or at each other’s gonads? And as I look around at my fellow man I think the answer is obvious. War it is!

Ο     It is often remarked by Culinary Anthropologists that some under-served populations do not have easy access to nutritious and affordable food. This condition is known as living in a food desert. For research-funding purposes however, this “condition” is sometimes rebranded as a “Food Desert Syndrome” – syndrome being a weighty term used by professors to in elevate “crappy grocery stores” to a social calamity so significant that they qualify for a National Science Foundation grant and can earn a 6-month sabbatical to study this self-created geography. Read the rest of this entry »

Now that I’ve passed on I want to share something with you. Of course you can believe me – both of my eyebrows are raised.

I think it’s always preferable to die of natural causes. Unnatural causes are so unhealthy and dying of supernatural causes is so Hollywood. Anyway I died of natural causes – too much bacon grease in the blood – and I’m here to give a quick report from the other side. I expired in the early morning hours of Saturday March 14^th just missing the unlucky Friday the 13^th by only a few hours – dodged that one. The non-alarmist hospital conveyed my expiration with subtle understatement by gently explaining to my wife Loretta, “It appears your husband has embarked on a nap from which there is no awakening.” Read the rest of this entry »

Hi antiquarians. I’m doing some genealogical research for the Keebler Co., and was hoping someone out there might know how Cookie Gilchrist and Cookie Rojas are related? Is it by recipe or in some other way? I don’t think it’s by recipe because it looks like they use very different ingredients.

Also where can I get a pair of Cookie’s designer athletic eyewear?

I found these 2 hiding in my computer’s memory with the rest of my cookies.