Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

1. What Yappy Dogs Have Taught Me
   

   My friend has a swell head.

2. Men with Ringworm…and the Women Who Love Them
3. “On the Paper You Urchins!” On Toilet Training Dickensian Orphans
4. Mom Kept Me in a Refrigerator Box Till I was 8: Learning to Chillax Again in a Big Scary World
5. Born Under a Zero: Learning to Live Without an Astrological Sign
6. It Takes Two: Learning to Use the New 35 ft. Intestinal Flosses
7. Can You Eat Animal Crackers and Still Call Yourself a Vegan?
8. I was Born a Virgin, I’ll Die a Virgin:
9. From Shiplap to Beadboard – A Panel Discussion on Paneling
10. Monsieur Papillion Teaches Fencing – Mostly Chain Link and Stockade
11. Pharmaceutical Media Influencers Insist: You’ll Be More Popular than Ever, Once You Have Eczema

1. I Married a White Man – Wanda Calvert, a Baltimore washerwoman, explains how it came to be that she married a white man. The fact that she is also white makes the story very uninteresting.
2. I Loathe Lucy – Willam Frawley takes us on a dark journey into the seamy underbelly of Desilu Studios. He takes particular aim at “Little Ricky’s” incredible growth spurt. More specifically Mr. Frawley decries the implausibility of Little Ricky being born one season and showing-up as a wise-cracking 5-year-old in the next.
3. One Door Closes, Another Opens – An elderly female elevator operator from Pasadena is forced to retire after she accidentally inhales too much clumping cat litter. Her coworkers now call her, ♫The Little Old Lady with Emphysema.♫ When asked how she was doing the former elevator operator responded, “Well I don’t have as many ups and downs as when I was working.” In the British edition of this book, the little old lady is a lift operator from Wuthering Heights.
4. This Plant is Closed – The story of a Venus flytrap as seen through the compound eyes of a newly imprisoned fly. And yes, near the end, the fly does eke out a forlorn “Help me!”
5. This Plant is Closed – The story of a straw manufacturing plant as seen through the hole of the final straw. And when that final straw rolls off the assembly line, a visibly moved CEO picks it up and cries, “We’re closing now. This is the last straw.”

 

 

The Not So Good Ones

1. The Queen Elizabeth Phone Sex Tapes: Naughty, Naughty on the Telly – In these newly discovered recordings found in the rethatched roof of the Pig & Whistle Pub in Ipswich, the Queen is heard sharing tawdry talk with her palace guard Beefeater, Heathclyffe. Listen in sordid salaciousness as Heathclyffe refers variously to the Queen’s undercarriage as Her Majesty’s Pita, the Royal Gash and the Outback Downunder. Some question the tape’s authenticity. Especially since in the background we repeatedly hear someone picking up a phone and saying, “George Santos residence.”

 

2. Hair Raising Experiences – Pie weight salesman Osgood Pantene shampoos a woman against her will. Or did he? He says she agreed to it by bending over a portable basin he keeps in his wallet. She says she didn’t know what was happening until he had his sudsy fingers all up in her hair, but by then it was too late and she was all in a lather. This kind of thing happens a lot in the book so I can’t recommend it. I mean it’s just so lather, rinse, repeat. Still, this “He said, She said” shampoo story is Head & Shoulders above anything else we’ve read in the Bathic novel genre.
3. Letters of Pol Pot – People sometimes forget this little mass murderer who disappeared 1/10^th of Cambodia’s population in the 1970s – and just because someone screwed-up his take-out order (who orders blue curry?). In a pique of rage, he channeled his wrath into an indiscriminate cleansing of the population just to get rid of all the sloppy order-takers everywhere in the greater Phnom Penh region. His method was the very definition of overkill, but then again misplaced anger seldom achieves its goals. In this attempt to rehabilitate his legacy, Madam Wat, who ran the brothel Mr. Pot frequented, has released a trove of love letters the young and lovelorn Pol wrote to his favorite prostitutes. If this doesn’t make you reassess the diminutive despot, nothing will.

 

1. Eat, Pray, Spooj
2. Really? You’d Let Me Do That to You
3. When I Pretend You’re Someone Else I Love You Even More
4. You Slay Me: Especially Your Morning Breath
5. The Passionate Prenup
6. I Love It When We’re Dancing Cheek to Cheek. Can I Specify Which Cheeks?
7. I Said “Get in my Volvo” not My Vulva

 

The Not So Good Ones

1. The Telltale Vibrator
2. Truly: It’s Not Your Smell, It’s My Nose
3. The Tunnel of Love is Paved with Good Intentions
4. Necromancy in the Time of COVID: You’re Dead to Me

1. Being told you can’t be part of a Class Action Lawsuit because you have no class
2. Cocaine Bear
3. Being forced to binge-watch One Life to Live – this is especially tough for people who believe in reincarnation
4. A girlfriend who keeps putting air quotes around your penis
5. You crack open an egg and an angry lizard comes out and attacks you. You try to laugh it off, but soon discover – this is no yolk.
6. I wouldn’t wish You on my worst enemy – especially when you’re in one of your “moods”
7. A judge decreeing you must be catheterized for non-payment of a parking ticket
8. Another judge sentencing you to a year of circumcising elephants for not smiling when getting catheterized for not paying your parking ticket. Well, as far as the elephant thing goes; the pay might not be great, but I hear the tips are tremendous.
9. When trying to go to bed, you have to listen to an endless White noise loop of someone snoring
10. You have to perform at a “Gentleman’s Club” under the name of Candy Samples. Although the pay might not be great, I hear the tips are tremendous.
11. In writing a very important letter, your spellcheck doesn’t work, so the parole board fully realizes what an undeserving dipsh*t you really are
12. To get waterboarded with Yoo-hoo
13. Waking up on the moon
14. Having to put out a restraining order against the Dalai Lama because he’s after your sorry ass.
15. Where you believe that even though superficial evidence seems to indicate that you are just a person living in your body, completely separate and distinct from God and everyone else. That would be foolhardy…and narrow. Some people think this tip is tremendous.

1. Gropey – This all-hands dwarf couldn’t stop touching his fellow actors and was #metoo-ed off the set
2. Swiftie – This dwarf was always trying to shake it off
3. Mucousy – A real drip. Usually found quarantining w/Sneezy.
4. Phony – George Santos dressed as a dwarf
5. Limey – An Englishman dwarf who developed scurvy
6. Needy – A clinging little guy who suffered from abandonment issues
7. Blitzen – One of Santa’s reindeer that briefly got mixed-up with the Dwarfs.
8. Rashful – Poor little shy guy suffered from eczema
9. Dock – This other “Doc” enjoyed boating and would never come to work
10. Chang and Eng – Siamese dwarfs. Disney only paid them as one dwarf unit, but they demanded to be paid as 2 people even though they were attached at the hip. So they split – kinda.
11. Alky – Always drunk on the set and was let go. Later got a job as a Munchkin.
12. Specificity – He was punctilious, fastidious and precise. A real pain-in-the-ass.
13. Homey the Dwarf – A little too hip for his own good. He had one of those overly elaborate hip-hop handshakes that went on for like 2 minutes.
14. Stupido – An Italian version of Dopey. Always asking women, “Won’t you dunce with me?”
15. Tom Cruise – C’mon, he’s not that little. Give him a break.
16. Spacey – Smoked doobies on the set. Always forgot his lines. Very cool little person however and was the only one who could keep up  with Homey the Dwarf’s complicated 2-minute handshake.
17. Hunky – A sexy dwarf fireman who had his own mini-calendar. Not so much beefcake as he was vealcake
18. Dinky – Was TS (too small). Was actually a very rare “Toy Dwarf.”
19. Boney – Appeared as a Mexican skeleton in one of those Día de Muertos scenes
20. Snarky – It was one snide comment after another with Snarky. Would often remark to politically incorrect tall people that, “Hey, I can call us midgets, but you can’t call us midgets.”
21. Filthy – Hygiene issues caused him to be escorted from the set. In later years, Filthy was the inspiration for Charles Schulz’s Peanuts character “Pig Pen.” He lived off those residuals for years. When asked what he thought of Filthy, Schulz remarked, “He stinks. Wonderfully.”

Issued by Financially Malfeasant Publications, this newsletter is where the smart money goes to get stupid. At FMI we’re not bullish, we’re bullsh*t.

The following rumors are scuttle, butt may be true anyway:

1. JL Kraft Foods Inc. to open a string of Kraft Single Bars – a place where unattached slices of cheese can go to bond with other cheeses of its kind. The bars practice “safe cheese.” That is, each consenting slice agrees to have a protective sheet of wax paper placed between it and its partner to ensure things don’t get too sticky. And isn’t it ironic that these cheese bars can be such meat markets.

 

2. Changes at Good Humor and Friendly Ice Cream. Due to budgetary constraints each company has had to downsize. Good Humor Ice Cream will henceforth be known as Mildly Amusing Ice Cream – and that’s not funny. Meanwhile Friendly Ice Cream, unable to sustain its former level of goodwill, has been renamed Cordial Ice Cream. Seeing these once proud ice cream companies being forced to downsize, just melts your heart.

 

3. In a similar move, the Scrabble-like app Words with Friends, will offer a less collegial version for more aloof people who prefer to avoid emotional entanglements in their Scrabble partners – the new app is called Words with Acquaintances.

 

4. Elon Musk to sell Tesla. He plans to plow the proceeds into his latest visionary quest: Pie Weights – those small, oven-safe ceramic balls used in baking a pie crust. There’s a fortune at stake here. The news has already hit the street, and in after-hours trading, Pie Weight futures skyrocketed to almost 4¢ a ball. And there’s an estimated 30,000 to 40,000 balls out there so you do the math.

Can shower curtain weights and outdoor tablecloth weights be far behind? Pie Weight hoarding has already been reported at Marie Callendar’s. Musk added fuel to the fire commenting, “I’m all in on Pie Weights – the future is now and it screams Pie Weights.” Musk has already cornered the market on drapery weights, collar stays and ballast stones for ships.  

 

5. Warren Buffet to buy the Hansom Cab Company. “Right now there are too many ugly Hansom Cabs. What we need are handsome Hansom cabs,” said the elderly investor who then finished his big-piece jigsaw puzzle and was given some warm milk. He made the announcement with magnet magnate Earl Groat by his side.

 

6. Carl Icahn to lose billions by recklessly employing credit default swaps (CDS), essentially insurance policies insuring bonds against losses, tied to an index tracking bundles of loans to malls and other commercial properties, he sought to leverage the underlying bonds insuring the property to default. No one understood any of this. No one. Ever. But billions were somehow made by someone until they all realized they were just playing Monopoly. 

 

7. IHOP to raise prices of pancakes. In an effort to balance supply and demand for their signature breakfast cakes, IHOP is raising the price of a short stack to $9. An IHOP spokesthey justified the price hike by saying, “We had no choice. Our pancakes were selling like hot cakes and we were running out.” While the IHOP is increasing prices the DHOP (the Domestic House of Pancakes) is holding prices steady.

You won’t get this. You shouldn’t get this. For sure you’ll never quite understand this actual response to a friend’s email that included requested pictures of his 2^nd floor garage winch (like a dumbwaiter) suitable for elevating heavy items to the loft and his recently purchased battered and used commercial GMC truck replete with utility boxes. My friend’s nickname is Dickie which has morphed into Diggie. He has a brother named Ted. There’s no tea in this missive, but maybe you can read the tea leaves and appreciate the algae bloom of ideas and references barely tethered to Earth. I know I enjoyed channeling them. This email was written and sent in one long unedited session on Oct. 11, 2023 (I think it was AD). Below is a copy for your delectation:

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Very cool stuff Diggie. 

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It would be nice to be you if it weren’t so wonderful being me.

That is the stupidest waiter I’ve ever seen and the truck w/the built-in tool boxes…boffo my man. Livin’ the blue-collar fantasy.

Good cool shit to have (I mean since we must have stuff). 

Appreciate the Hynde reference bigly. Was thinking of reminding you of same in our last phone tete á tete. BTW when you speak to your brother is it tete á Ted?

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As Mostly,

Neils Bohr

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And when I say Neils Bohr, I’m referring to both Neils (Neil and Neil Bohr). The second Neil was the parasitic conjoined twin of Neil, whose elfin head grew from the scapula area of the more fully formed Neil who consequently wore big sweaters to disguise his freeloading brother. The more retail Neil, whose theories on quantum mechanics we’ve come to revere even if he is bohring, made no mention of the other Neil until his then girlfriend and future wife Margrethe said, “Ummm, Neil, we need to talk.”

Neils’s (pronounced Neilzes) parents thought, since the kids were basically one packet or quantum, why not give them one name in keeping with their unitized structure. Am told by disinterested parties, and hence reliable sources, that the back shoulder seemingly parasitic Neil Bohr was really the brains of the outfit. Host Neil would write his equations on a blackboard, turn around and lift up his sweater, then let parasitic Neil critique them. They made quite a team, 2 heads being better than one. In sum, I suppose this distinction doesn’t really anti-matter. 

I’d say more, but my Chipotle Ranch Dressing just expired. I really must be going. But where shall I go? So Bohring.  

.

.

Best,

Charlies Chaplin

And when I say Charlie’s Chaplins, I’m referring to both Charlies (Charlie and Charlie Chaplin). Those little tramps.

Over the course of time there has been a need to stipulate the manner in which a future deceased person (the soon dead) shall distribute their worldly possessions. It has not been without its peculiarities. Here is a sample of some of the more unique bequests directed by individual estates:

1. Little Miss Muffet – Left her tuffet to Mother Goose and all her curds to the spider. At the reading of the Will, the spider was puzzled by receiving only the curds and complained to the lawyer, “No way?” To which the lawyer responded, “Whey.”
2. Jerry Mathers – He says he’s going to Leave It to Beaver
3. Earth – Is leaving everything to the Meek. I guess the meek really shall inherit the earth.
4. Kim Kardashian – She recently amended her Will. Instead of leaving it all to posterity, she’s leaving it all to her posterior. What an ass.
5. Mother Teresa – Saintly MT, having so generously given it all away before her death, she had nothing left to give and hence no Will
6. Kermit the Frog – He leaves his single-family lily pad to Miss Piggy. She’s in Hog Heaven now and consequently unable to accept.
   

   Me and yet another of my imaginary friends.

7. All Deciduous Trees – They leave their leaves to the Mulch God, I beleaf.
8. Dolly Parton – She’s leaving them to the Dollywood Orphanage. If for whatever reason they can’t accept them, they go to the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
9. Will-denier Robert F Kennedy Jr. said he doesn’t see a way he’ll ever have a Will. He then recanted when reminded that, “Where there’s a Will, there’s a way.”
10. Paul McCartney – He’s not making a Will. He’s just going to Let It Be.
11. Shirley MacLaine – The reincarnation lady left her entire estate to unborn Frieda Allsworth’s embryo, whose fetus she’s planning to inhabit in utero in her next lifetime. Careful Shirl. I hear the IRS is watching this one.
12. George Will – Left his Will to posterity. He’s now known simply as George.
13. Zombies – Because they’re Undead they need an UnWill in case they’re feeling Unwell.
14. The Alphabet – When it dies it’s planning on leaving everything to New Times Roman – at least from the letters I’ve seen.
15. Will Ferrell – Same as George Will. He’s leaving his Will to posterity and henceforth will become just plain feral.
16. Fannie Farmer – Fannie left her entire fortune of $100 million to her niece Candy, under the stipulation that Candy was to be presented it in an assortment of 1000 heart-shaped boxes with the money filling the 32 little ruffled cups inside.

1. I’m the inspiration for the song “Don’t Stand So Close to Me”
2. My middle name is Bathsheba
3. I’m just choosing to be heterosexual. I haven’t been able to pray the lay away
4. I know a guy who doesn’t have a podcast
5. All anyone says anymore is: Specificity is just marmalade without the orange rind. OMG, if I hear that one more time!
6. When I was younger I played my organ a lot
7. When I witness a warm, poignant moment, it doesn’t melt my heart. It melts my ear wax. So if you ever see glistening streaks flowing from my ears, you’ll know I’m either overcome with emotion or I’m suffering from otorrhea.
8. My left leg is two feet longer than my right. I’m just green-screened. Thank you CGI.
9. My two feet are both left-footed (this is why none of you have seen me swimming)
10. If you’re as stupid as me you’re still reading this
11. If I’m as stupid as you, I’m still writing this
12. Memo to Col. Jessup: I can handle the truth and I don’t need you on that wall
13. I’ll say it again: The Getty family is having Trust issues
14. The Israeli Supreme Court is known as the Jewdiciary
15. Can’t write more. Gotta run. The Beverly Hillbillies are on in 3 minutes
16. And I guess you can tell from #15: I still don’t know how to record anything from the TV