Posts Tagged ‘new’

1. 3 on 6 Basketball – Seems unfair and it is
2. Oh Give Me a Break Dancing – A counseling session where clear-eyed therapists try to persuade Break Dancers that, for God’s sake, Break Dancing is not a sport. I mean it’s a thing, it’s just not a sport
3. Blue Collar Fencing – Forget sabers, epées and rapiers. This fencing deals with stockade, picket and chain link.
4. Austrian Tossing – it’s no just for distance, accuracy matters too. Why toss Austrians? It’s easier than throwin’ Samoans.
5. Women’s Beach Volleyball Watching –This “sport” sees how long it takes a man to watch a women’s beach volleyball until he realizes they’re actually keeping score

 

Olympic Factoid:

Q. What nation is always first when the parade of countries marches out?

A. Greece. They began the whole Olympic idea way back when they wore laurel wreaths on their heads. The rest are alphabetic.

 

6. Naked and Catheterized – If you like this sport, urine luck. I mean, if you like this sport, you’re in luck.
7. Speed Hickies – Neck sucking has never been so popular. Not surprisingly the sport originated in Transylvania
8. Competitive Eating (aka Speed Eating) – In the hot dog eating event alone, Chowboys and Chowgirls will consume a 4-lifetime supply of pig polyps.
9. Snow Writing – A Winter Olympic favorite. After drinking 64 oz. of water and using only their “on board” apparatus, competitors must accurately write the phrase Winter Olympics in the snow. Early trials have shown that although men have better penmanship, women are better spellers. Heck, I’d pay to see that. Competitors must be careful not to run out of “ink.”  
10. Synchronized Snow Angels – Could be an excellent opportunity for The Vatican to finally field a team
11. 2-Person Mixed Bobsled Insemination – Another Winter Olympic event where a man and a woman desperately try to conceive a child as they frantically cling to one another while careening down the icy bobsled track. It’s hard to both steer and cohere, so they have to make their 3 minutes really count.

 

Olympic Factoid that is not true:

In the Popeye cartoon the Olympics were referred to as the Olive Oylimpics

 

Merry Xmas everyone and remember, some day it will be 10 yeas from now, so breathe easy (and I know I wrote “yeas” instead of “years”).

1. The Butchelor – A meat cutter searches for romance amongst a pool of free-range carnivores. If the Butchelor is interested, he sends her a single long-stemmed short-rib. The Meat & Greets are fleshy affairs where competitors can get their pork-pulled or their chicken-jerked depending on whatever thrills your grill. It’s rare that a show in this medium, is so well-done.
2. Hogan’s Gyros – After the war Hogan and his heroes earn a fortune selling gyros. In a delicatessen spinoff, his brother returns from the Navy and opens a sub shop.
3. The original Broadway musical 7 Brides for 7 Brothers is reimagined in this Mormon TV version entitled 14 Brides for 7 Brothers. It’s double the fun. And it’s big’o me to say that.
4. The Vegelor – A bachelor vegetarian searches for romance amongst an assortment of hot tamales, sweet petunias and silky cheesecakes. But watch what you say in this Vegetable Garden of Eden, because one of the vegetarians may be a plant. The Beet & Greets allow us to get acquainted with this year’s crop. In keeping with the Garden of Eden theme, all the women’s girly parts are fig-leafed. In the final show, the Vegelor selects his prize vegetarian-ette by placing a blue ribbon on her melons and planting a big wet one right on her lips.

In The Golden Vegelor (a spinoff for older audiences), the produce is a little more puckered, so the entire show takes place in a crisper.

5. The School of Soft Knocks – 3 Trust Fund babies discover there are only 2 first class seats left on their flight to Aspen for a ski vacation. Odd man out, Reginald can’t cope with loss of privilege and goes berserk in coach, until he’s tased by an Air Marshal.
6. America’s Got Feces – Gastroenterologist Simon Colon hosts this outdoor paean to poopy where contestants must “go where no man has gone before” including outhouses, hollow tree stumps and port-a-pottys. I think the show really stinks and is a human waste of time.
7. Little House on Drew Carey – In this HGTV pioneer show, micro cabins are built on Drew Carey’s unoccupied body parts. They all sellout quickly because The Price Is Right.
8. M*O*I*S*H – A Jewish version of M*A*S*H where everything is the same except the mess tent is kosher. The breakfast special is usually “fakin’-n-eggs.” It served retail, but they can get it for you wholesale.
9. Who Wants to Be a Kidney Donor – So far the show has had no willing contestants. Those who have been shanghaied into donating are given free dialysis for life.
10. Homo, or No Homo – In this game show, a celebrity panel must use their intuitive gaydar, to determine if a contestant is straight or gay
11. Jewpardy – It’s a Hebrew version of Jeopardy. Better know your Torah from your Kabbalah otherwise you might end up wearing the dunce yarmulke.
12. Gilligan’s Clavicle – The Skipper’s little buddy disappears after going to the hospital to mend a broken collarbone. The hospital said it would be a 3-hour cure. A 3      hour     cure!
13. Perry Mason without Pants – New AI technology undercuts the authoritative arguments of Perry Mason by showing the humorless counselor parading around the courtroom in his boxers and sock garters. The whole premise wears thin until they do the same with his curvy secretary Della Street.
14. William Randolph Hearst Writes His Name in the Snow – To sell more newspapers, the egomaniac newspaper publisher tries to spark a war between Spain and the United States by writing saber-rattling messages in the snow. It’s Yellow Journalism at its worst.
15. Vern & Shirley – An updated reboot. This time Laverne is a transexual. Garry Marshall returns from the grave to direct.
16. Sign Felled – A show about municipal street sign repair featuring a kooky neighbor named Yield, an ex-girlfriend named Merge, a bald friend named George Costanza and a comic named Banksy. Try as the writers did to give the show some meaning, it’s really a show about nothing.
17. Naked and Unpaid – Hookers discuss getting stiffed by their Johns
18. DIY Colorectal Makeover – Membrane linings really pop in this mucousy look at real “interior” decorating. Gastroenterologist all agree, watching this show takes intestinal fortitude. Dr. Simon Colon really shines doing double duty in hosting this show and America’s Got Feces, although he says they’re both, “Sh*t jobs.”
19. My Cephalopod Has a Swell Head – An arrogant whale named Kanye thinks he’s “all that” till a kayak gets stuck in his blowhole. At one point he marries a whale with a really big tail – and that’s no fluke. Closed Captioning recommended since the whales speak only in sonar.
20. Simon & Simone – A reboot of Simon & Simon where Simon has “cut the cord” and is now Simone. Caitlyn Jenner runs the detective agency.
21. I Love Lipids – In this CGI generated reboot, a very chunky Lucy eats all the candy at the chocolate factory. Ricky, now ballooned to 330 lbs., loves her just the same, although he does say she has some, “Splainin’ to do.”
22. Money Laundering and Money Dry Cleaning – Available on the Criminally Tidy Network. The show gives the viewer a little too much information on methods of getting blood stains out of currency. In the pilot, Bruno’s unattended little daughter Sophie accidentally eats a Tide pod. Bruno takes his vengeance by putting a contract out on both Proctor & Gamble.
23. Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program – After singing like canaries, stool pigeons must enter a witness protection aviary. What better place to blend in, than in a Jehovah community where everyone is already a witness.
24. Seventh Day Adventist Sing Eight Days a Week – Thrill to the cognitive dissonance when Seventh Day Adventists Caleb and Bathsheba try to sing Eight Days a Week. This show is a spinoff of The Fifth Dimension Plays 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
25. Third Trimester Adventist – Pregnant Adventists try to cope with an ever-darkening Linea Nigra late in their pregnancy.
26. Hi Gene – It’s the dirty story of a dirty man. One look at him will have you shouting, “Hygiene…for Christ’s sake.”
27. Obituaries of People Who Died a Timely Death – No untimely deaths in this punctilious show. This reality show celebrates the deaths of people who died an altogether proper and timely death, after a short and painless illness. Nobody lingers or has “good days and bad days.” Nope. Instead, your aged body becomes obsolete faster than tailfins on a Cadillac and then you’re off to see the wizard. This show has somehow managed to make death attractive and cool. Mortuary school applications are up 44%. The show is hosted by former Spice Girl, Hospice.
28. The Real Dental Hygienists of Orange County – The sexy underbelly of dentistry is penetrated as cavities are filled, implants are inserted and patients give their eye teeth for just a moment of ecstasy. Well-endowed hygienists get right in their patients faces for really close-up cleanings, and let them play motorboat in the cleavage of their scrubs. One watch of this steamy show and you’ll start to doubt whether enamel really is the hardest substance in the body.                                  Show Notes: A plaque on the wall shows plaque on the teeth. Hygienist Carrie discusses caries. The on-set Breath Mint Coordinator is a Greek named Halitosis. Disbelieving patients say their cavities are pulp fiction. The calculus is that this show is probably a bridge too far, although the rinse and spit scenes are truly cathartic. In S2 E3 there’s a mix-up at the office when Kyra goes in for a simple teeth bleaching and leaves with her anus white as a ghost.
29. 30 Minutes – A budget version of 60 Minutes. There may not be enough hours in the day, but there certainly aren’t enough minutes in 30 Minutes.
30. Talkin’ Studebakers and Mumbly Peg – You’d think these two wildly divergent topics would not be entertaining – one hasn’t been manufactured since 1966 and the other a stupid juvenile delinquent knife game – and you’d be right. But one has to remember it’s a spin-off of the wildly popular Vivisections of Jack Webb’s Pancreas. Hosted by Joe Rogan’s nephew, Bile.
31. Note: Sneaking this in to see who my friends really are, if you would please post on my wall Woodrow Wilson’s 14-Point Peace Plan with the comment, “I have always tried to wear pants,” then (and only then) can I call you my friend.
32. A Face Only a Prostitute Could Love – Boris Maliface did not get in line when they passed out good looks. He nonetheless parlays his facial misfortune into a highly successful radio career. And when people want their watches stopped, he is asked to look at them.
33. The Guy Who Keeps Saying, “Y’know 1820 wasn’t that long ago.” – A niche show for people on the spectrum (way on the spectrum) who delight in time banditry
34. Dance Like No One’s Watching – And no one was watching. But unfortunately, cameras were watching and we all get to see what a spaz you are. A cameo by Seinfeld’s Elaine character puts everyone at ease.
35. Shakers-n-Quakers-n-Bears, Oh My! – Austere religions go proselytizing in the land of Oz. A church lands on a wicked preacher and yada, yada, yada eventually they discover they were home the whole time.
36. A History of Back Up Lights – Before the advent of the telltale beep, beep, beep, this was the only way to know a vehicle was traveling backwards. Fittingly the show is run in reverse.
37. The Mostly Reformed Church of Generally Unrepentant Moravians – Drier than a thousand desiccant packs, this is the kind of vanity show that is made when Moravian tycoon Uriah Jubilee dies and leaves his entire fortune to the Moravian AV Club.
38. No Really, Your Buck Teeth Make You Look Even Prettier – A scheming grifter tries to appeal to an heiress’s vanity. She’s on to him though. So she demands he form a friendship with singer Art Garfunkel. When he asks her why, the domineering heiress icily responds, “Simon says, form a friendship with Art Garfunkel.”
39. Vanilla Sex– A very mainstream show. People just can’t seem to get enough of Vanilla Sex. For example, at watch parties, traditional viewers watch the show in the missionary position. Passionless love scenes had the show’s Intimacy Coordinators encouraging the actors to be a little less Vanilla and little more Rocky Road.
40. If You’re Experiencing a Medical Emergency, Please Hang Up and Dial 911 – In this game show a panel of medical professionals must determine if a contestant is really sick, or just a Munchausen Syndrome addict seeking attention.
41. OMGs – filled with Emojis and acronyms, Snickers really satisfies (yes, I’m starting to lose it here, not that the rest of this list is exactly cogent).

 

Thank You for your attention to this mostly humorous analgesic. If you didn’t experience temporary pain relief from life’s travails, please do not hesitate to return it all to Costco for a full refund.

 

 

 

 

Author’s Cut. Edited Out:

 

• Thinking Outside the Box: You’re Just in a Bigger Box Because You’re Still Thinking – Turns out thinking is limited and concepts aren’t where it’s at, and that boundless, ineffable experience is our natural state…sponsored by Nvidia
• Please Listen Carefully, As Some of Our Options Have Changed – Married for 45 years, hilarity ensues when Sadie shocks Milton with some of the new things she wants to do to spice-up their sex life. You’ll laugh till you plotz.

 

Some say being a lover of trains is a choice. Others say it’s an interest you’re just born with. This argument is often applied to other deeply-seated orientations. The point is, I can no longer deny my interest in trains and I choose to express it publicly, despite the risk of becoming a social outcast. I believe my passion for trains is healthy and hip, but the trainophobic think I’m off the rails here. They worry I’ve become trainsgendered. For too long I’ve been a closeted train admirer – practicing my secret passion with other nerdy train enthusiasts in dark basements on small scale equipment while sipping on juice boxes. No longer am I willing to operate on the fringes of society while living this double life. Therefore, I hereby publicly declare my love of trains. I’m finally “coming out of the caboose.”

 

We all have hobbies we’re drawn to for reasons known only to our original manufacturer. For me, that magnetic force has been trains. Why I have such an affinity for these steely behemoths that lumber through the night, is a question for Dr. Lionel, my train whisperer (and my psychologist). Dr. Lionel and I have held many earnest and penetrating discussions on trains. We’ve covered everything from the dichotomy of sitting backward while moving forward, to the carnal symbology of trains entering tunnels. I cherish Dr. Lionel’s sage advice as he guides me through the mixed signals and missed switches of railroading. As you may have surmised, trains are a very moving topic for me. Still, I find it hard to believe, that in all the time Dr. Lionel and I have spent together, he’s never once failed to bill me for each session.  

 

I can’t account for my unbidden fascination with trains. All I know is that train has left the station and I’m forever enchanted. In fact, at this juncture railroading is so appealing to me, that even at the advanced age of 62, as I begin collecting Social Security, I nonetheless seek employment with Amtrak as a conductor. More on this later.

 

So, let’s go for a ride and hope I stay on the rails in describing the depth of my railroading passion and the height of my Amtrak adoration. In any event, near the end of this story I solicit your opinion in helping me formulate a mighty decision. Much like Dr. Lionel does, may you offer me sage advice; in addition to maybe some parsley, rosemary and thyme.   

 

 

New Train Smell – A Whiff of Heaven or a Hint of Hell

 

“You haven’t lived until you’ve inhaled the magical must of ‘new train smell’,” declare railroad enthusiasts infected by the train bug. “Once bitten, you’re forever smitten,” say these inveterate train buffs. However, some wonder if there is, or ever has been, “new train smell.” It’s hard to tell these days because Amtrak hasn’t put new trains into service in so long, there is no one left alive who remembers what new trains smell like.

 

Complicating this is that not everyone has the “new train smell” gene, enabling them to sense this alluring aroma. It’s kinda like the “asparagus” gene that way. Sadly, these scent-deficient souls will never know the pleasure of this intoxicating sinus sensation – and no amount of training can change that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Neolithic carvings from the Olduvai Gorge indicate that the last person in the conga line was known as the kaybus, which eventually morphed into our present-day caboose. This theory of the “new train smell” gene mutating in the conga lines of God-fearing hominids has become known as Critical Nose Theory and has become a flash point for present-day cultural warriors.

 

Neolithic carvings from the Olduvai Gorge indicate that the last person on the conga line was known as the kaybus, which eventually morphed into our present-day caboose. This concept of the “new train smell” gene mutating in the conga lines of God-fearing hominids has become known as Critical Nose Theory.

 

 

What is New Train Smell?

 

Nosey railroaders describe the heady bouquet of “new train smell” as, “an intoxicating swirl of stamp-pressed steel, outgassed Naugahyde and delicate notes of diesel vapors culminating in a transportive smellucinogenic aroma.” Admittedly, it’s a developed appreciation. This salmagundi of smells, this obstinacy of odors, all come together in a crescendo of bracing olfactory satisfaction. It summons a vestigial calling within me that says, “All aboard Amtrak!” Then again, maybe that’s just my inner-hominid speaking.

 

 

Train Besotted and Loving It

 

I’m hesitant to admit all this because you might think I’m a little loco, but in my narrow-gauge railroad mind, there’s nothing as nostalgically charming or kinetically gratifying as train travel. My loco-motive for telling you all this, is to share the shiver of infantile delight that shoots through my body while chugging along the tracks in the protective womb of my train car (as long as I’m not in India). When I’m warmly embraced in compartmentalized comfort I feel like a little baby traveler, all swaddled snuggly in Amtrak’s ever-lovin’ rails. Alright, so maybe I am a little loco. Read the rest of this entry »

after drinking way too much moonshine Kombucha. It’s in response to an article and video about Sarah Silverman Guest Hosting the Jimmy Kimmel Show and the letter goes like this – to the letter:

 

Hey NYT. Fit this to print,

My belligerency quotient is rising, but don’t worry. I’m still lovable.

I’ve been, for reasons unknown to me (and maybe it’s the kombucha talkin’), a little predisposed against Sarah Silverman. Maybe it’s her whoopsie-daisy tartness (a borrowed line). But I now find her funny, witty, present and confidently reactive – a thoroughly Modern Millie. Good for me. Wow, I can reassess and enjoy something I previously did not. Tremendous personal growth on my part. I’m to be congratulated, he said, soaking in the adulation from himself.

That Jimmy Kimmel allows guest hosts (and by an ex to boot) is a tribute to the show and his self-confidence in himself (if it’s in himself I guess that’s why they call it “self” confidence). It’s like the olden days when Johnny Carson had guest hosts so you could sample other entertainers. Feeling uninhibited and acting self-consciously is the best combination, don’t you think?

Based on this video. I’ll be taping the rest of her shows. I know, I said taping and not recording. SS is giving me a contact funny. She’s like a Gummy Silverman. Oh, how I love this world and everything in it, that I can afford. I just gotta say though, how things would be different if Ariana Grande was Venti. She’d be a Tall drink of coffee then.

So much more to say. You don’t need to hear it though. Alright. OK one more thiing (I know I misspelled “thing”); I actually made money from a Nigerian prince who was trying to scam me. Say my name Prince Djibouti.

And finally, I’d like to thank Pfizer pfor pfostering epffective farmaceuticals. And I know I spelled farmaceuticals wrong.

 

Best Moonshine Kombucha Ever,

David Silverman (no relashun) and I know I spelled somethang wrong, but I don’t care write now Mr. New York Times.

[ps: I really did send this to the NYTs]

 

 

YOUTUBE.COM

Guest Host Sarah Silverman on Giuliani Joining Cameo, Bad News for White People & Who’s Jewish!?

Sarah Silverman steps in as guest

 

 

Orphans Ask to Meet Their Maker

Orphans residing at the Sweet Charity Home for Orphans asked their home’s director if they could meet their maker. After clearing several legal hurdles the children were reunited with their birth parents. “Don’t get me wrong,” remarked little Fletcher, “Meeting our parents is great and everything, but we were really hoping to meet God.”

Director Grenholm apologized for the semantic mix up.

In a related story

Cookies Meet Their Maker and It Doesn’t Go Well

In an unexpected reuniting of bakers and their cookies, a package of Nabisco Chips Ahoy! cookies finally got to meet their maker – in more ways than one. They came away both disappointed and disappeared. The cookies met with their baker makers, but the meeting lasted only 10 minutes; or just enough time for the workers to tear open the package and devour every last one of them right there in the employee break room. In the span of 10 short minutes they got to meet their makers as well as meeting their maker.

Shift Manager Grenholm (no relation) apologized for the semantic mix-up.

Prisoners’ Escape Plot Thwarted

Convicts serving 10 in Leavenworth were stymied in their latest escape attempt when co-conspirators could only provide them with the wire cutters, and not the ladder they requested. In other words they gave them the former, but not the latter.

Warden Grenholm (possibly related) was grateful for the semantic mix-up.

Skittles Demand to Meet Their Maker

Skittles fruit candies expressed a strong desire to meet the guy who makes them. When the guy phoned to say, “I can’t” they protested, “Awww c’mon. The Candy Man Can. The Candy Man Can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.”

BTW, in England, Skittles are known as Grenholms. Read the rest of this entry »

1. 

   Cut it out.

   I’m living in fear that Jeopardy! does not have a succession plan for Alex Trebek. I’ll take Worry for $2000 Alex.

2. Same for “Wheel” and Pat. And don’t get me started on Vanna. That chick is 62 years old now. She’s been turning heads and letters for over 30 years now*. * I know, I know. She only touches the letters now.
3. I’m bothered that in Spain they speak Spanish not Spainish
4. I hear vegan Spaniards speak Spinach – at least those are the sounds they “produce.”
5. In France they speak French when they should speak Franch
6. In the Flemish region of Belgium they speak Mucous and the sidewalks are covered in it.
7. Speaking of speaking; at Gallaudet University they speak sign language without saying a word. When they want to scream they wear all CAPS. I mean they all wear caps.
8. I’m bothered that the Philippines is populated by Filipinos not Philippinos. How does Ph change to F?
9. The original bother: The whole 2 Darrin’s thing on Bewitched is still fresh in my mind. They think they can just replace a husband and not say anything. Just twitch your nose Samantha and order up a new husband. I’m still scarred.
10. I wonder if I lose my mind, what I’ll have left. This list probably. Hey wait a minute.
11. We act like we know everything when we should be saying, “I know that I know nothing.” Pinched this gem from Plato and for this I’m not really bothered.
12. Why is Peking now Beijing? Peking worked fine for 700 years. And yet restaurants still call it Peking Duck.
13. Bombay has become Mumbai. And yet top shelf bottles are still called Bombay Sapphire.
14. I only need 1 out of 10 letters sent to me. Maybe Vanna can turn back the other 9 letters.
15. Realizing that we’re all living on just the “crust” of the Earth makes me feel insignificant. What will my epitaph be? “I trod around on the outside of a big piece of toast till I died. Now I’m buried in one of its nooks and crannies.”
16. That Walter White is now just Bryan Cranston. That’s a really Bad Break.
17. If there’s one prevailing force pervading everything, why are there so many religions trying to describe it? I wish people would stop practicing their religions and just perform them. With all the practice they should know what to do by now.
18. Denali was Mt. McKinley now it’s back to Mt. Denali. What about the Nile? Will it now become Denial?
19. John Mellencamp was a Cougar now he’s a fruit (a mellen?). Oh bring back my Johnny to me.
20. These lists bother me. I think it’s preventing me from self-actualizing or something. Well at least I’m drawn to the unruffled sangfroid of Matthew McConaughey, so obviously there’s been some growth on my part.
21. Jennifer Aniston was jilted by Brad Pitt and is now the world’s oldest 26 year old. Yeah I’m bothered why I age and she doesn’t. Note to self: Must start putting Aveeno on my Corn Flakes.
22. Since we’re talking about Brad Pitt’s ex-girlfriends, I suppose I should now say something about Gwyneth Paltrow. But I won’t. I’m already knee deep in this Goop.
23. And don’t get me started on Angelina Jolie – a restraining order already prevents that.
24. The word “empty” should be spelled “mt”. There’s no clarity anywhere. I feel so, so, so mt.
25. Pluto is no longer a planet. Who has the right to demote a planet? I understand Pluto has adopted a symbol and is referring to itself as “the planet formerly known as Pluto.” And yes, I’m bothered by this. Oh, like you’re not.
26. I’m bothered that we don’t discuss the absence of Mother Theresa enough
27. I’m bothered that we don’t discuss the presence of the Dalai Lama enough
28. Bill Cosby seemed like such a nice man. But I should’ve known something was up when he shamelessly promoted New Coke.
29. There are a lot of people who were never caught doing really bad stuff; and they may even be doing it now. Then again I hear God does sort them out later, so in some sense I’m not really too bothered by supposedly unpunished Earthly indiscretions.
30. I’m bothered that everyone isn’t more like Mr. Rogers. If everyone was like Mr. Rogers, I could finally be a bad ass. Well, maybe not a bad ass, but at least feared more than PBS travel writer Rick Steves.
31. I’m bothered that we’re not supposed to be distracted drivers and yet municipalities allow glitzy outdoor billboards to timeshare between (for example) SPCA warnings and Wheel of Fortune ads. Causing me to at first wince at the cruelty to animals and then (once the timeshare switches) turn my head back to see what Vanna is wearing. Oh, I can’t text (fair enough), but you can keep my eyes off the road in the name of commercialism.
32. I’m bothered that I’m up to number 34 now and the Prozac is having absolutely no effect on me. I wonder why it was labeled “Lipitor.”
33. <Putting myself in timeout. I need a break. You need a break.>
34. I’m back and I’m running a temperature so now I’m hot and bothered.
35. I’m bothered that I misunderstood what celibacy meant and so for 45 years I never played sax.
36. And through this cathartic process of enumerating perturbations, discomfitures and whiny little misgivings, I’m cured. Thank you for listening. My New Year’s Resolutions are resolved. I’ll see you next year with a new, more elevated list: Why it’s All Good, Even When It Doesn’t Appear to Be All Good.

As the New Year dawns I feel I must inform my friends of the resolution I’ve made – and no, it’s not the sexual reassignment surgery. The reports of my gender dysphoria have been greatly exaggerated.

 

No, this New Year I resolve not to be funny anymore. For some, like Dana and Sandy, who never got my humor to begin with, there’ll be no change. For others, who tolerated my humor with an easily maintained stiff upper lip, it will be a welcomed relief. And finally for those whose daily moods rise and fall on the analgesic potency of my so-called humor, well, we’ll always have 2018.

 

So here’s to promoting an Equilibrious New Year to everyone, everywhere. Let us carry on smartly, stoically and soberly.

Perhaps next year when it’s 2020 we’ll have a clearer vision of things. 

1. 

   Costco: A bulwark against consumer timidity. You know you love us.

   Whirlpool Water Hardener: Who wants soft water when these days you need all the minerals you can get. So what if your hair is always sudsy.

2. An actual size Map of the United States in 1:1 scale. A must when 100% accuracy is required. Folds neatly and fits into most any airplane hangar. Also comes in a thin sponge version you can soak in water to expand.
3. 12-pak Brunswick Bowling Balls: Makes a great stocking stuffer…if your stocking is made of tungsten-carbide chainmail. Possibly the last bowling ball 12-pak you’ll ever buy…and probably the only one too.
4. 5 gallon drum Visine Eye Drops: Comes with matching eye-drop cozy. “Visine. It gets the Red out.” Very popular in the dispensary community.
5. $500,000 Applebee’s gift card for $499,900 – a $100 savings! Note: Card expires 3 months after purchase.
6. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Plutonium: Try our trendy new Plutonium substitute and you won’t be able to tell the difference either. Comes with a lead codpiece.
7. Fresh from our in-store bakery: Above ground pool-sized Apple Pie. This economical deep dish pie comes in 1, 2 and 3 foot depths.
8. Drive-thru Artificial Insemination. Choose from a variety of heirloom quality baby batters. Complimentary turkey baster is yours to keep. Returns not allowed on this product.
9. 42 gallon barrel of Embalming Fluid. Don’t be caught short this season.
10. Gucci Shoe Lifts: Don’t be caught short.
11. Guccione’s Penis Elongater: Don’t be caught short.
12. Black & Decker’s Burglary Tools for Dwarfs: Don’t be caught short.
13. Hane’s Long Johns: Don’t be caught short.
14. Don’t Be Caught Short: A fun new board game from Milton Bradley.
15. 35 lb. lifetime supply of Fleischman’s Dry Active Yeast. It’s dry and active – like an Alcoholics Anonymous member who exercises regularly.
16. Drive-thru Cremation for Pets. Pet must “no longer be with us.” Use your Frequent Cremators Card and get the 3^rd pet incinerated for free. Your choice of cinder granulation: Smooth or Crunchy. Tupperware Urn included.
17. Lifetime supply of Flintstone Vitamins. Note: This is a lifetime supply if your life were to end in 60 days.
18. Bariatric Surgery. Must weigh at least 450 lbs. naked, however clothing is greatly preferred.
19. Kirkland’s 13-foot Sub for $1.50. A highly versatile sandwich. You can eat it or operate the sub underwater.
20. Assisted Suicide Kit. Possibly the last assisted suicide kit you’ll ever have to buy. For obvious reasons, financing is not available. Guaranteed results otherwise we send over a guy named Vinnie to finish the job.
21. Book: TSA Frisking for Dummies. Frisk anyone without offending them. Or, if they want to be offended, learn that too. You’ll start by frisking yourself, then your pets and eventually you’ll graduate to the Air Fargo Passenger Hangar in North Dakota.
22. 88 lb. family-sized Wetzel Pretzel. This novelty pretzel comes with 6 lbs. of yellow mustard and a pretzel dolly for transport.
23. Give your kidneys a break with a Hasbro’s Personal Dialysis Your kidneys work hard 24/7. Why not giv’em a little vacation and let someone else do the blood filtering. Comes in regular or menthol for those who prefer minty fresh hemoglobin. May bundle with Mattel’s Go Anywhere Ventilator^© for even greater savings. Why should you have to do all the breathing all the time?
24. 45-pak Gillette Moustache Combs. These handy little combs can be used in grooming any number of bodily areas featuring short curly hair.
25. Space Tourism at down to earth prices. For $1,000,000 reserve a seat on an Elon Musk Space-X Rocket that takes you to the moon and back. Experience weightlessness while dining on Gordon Ramsey’s out-of-this-world cuisine. Note: $25 surcharge per bag (even when it’s weightless). May upgrade to a full space suit instead of just breathing from the little margarine cup mask that drops down once you leave earth’s orbit. Kosher meals available. Must be able to pass a zero-gravity bathroom activity test.
26. One metric ton Chex Party Mix. It’s the last metric ton of snacks you’ll ever have to buy – and probably the only one too. Great for bomb shelters and other apocalyptic living spaces.
27. Pallet of Trident Chewing Gum forklifted directly from our warehouse to your garage. Make great stocking stuffers…if for some reason you have to stuff 48 million stockings.