Author Archive

Col. Tomcat Gizmo of the 351st Fighting Felines

Cats view World War II differently than humans do. Several books on the subject of feline heroism have been written by cats, including Saving Private Mittens and Band of Pussies. One problem in highlighting the heroic actions of WWII cats is that most who fought in WWII are either in Veterinarian Homes or were put to sleep decades ago. Some have managed to pass down their stories over several litters using the oral tradition of tongue-to-fur storytelling. Their stories have become a little confused, but using new FurSpeak® technology, I’ve taken the time to decipher and catalogue the compelling and inspirational stories of the 351^st Fighting Felines so that everyone can appreciate the greatest generation of pussies. Read the rest of this entry »

1. The crusty corners of macaroni & cheese
2. Knowing that God is great. But perhaps wishing he had fewer Franchises.
3. Remembering your first kiss. Even if your lips were pressed against a mirror.
4. Wikipedia. Admit it.
5. Remembering your first open-mouthed kiss. Even if it was with someone named Fido.
6. The fact we all have 206 bones. Except for “Shaggy” Rogers from Scooby-Doo. He only had 205. No backbone.
7. Enjoying a good yawn, a good sneeze, a good sigh…or any other good bodily discharge
8. And speaking of sneezing: Who amongst us didn’t say “God bless you” the first time they heard someone say “Machu Picchu?”
9. The simple joy of watching a Hogan’s Heroes Alright, watching back to back Hogan’s Heroes episodes. OK binge-watching Season 3 of Hogan’s Heroes in one sitting. Alright. Watching all 168 episodes consecutively while wearing an adult diaper. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.
10. Experiencing the white man’s overbite pleasure of rockin’ the bathroom while playing nude air guitar.
11. Screw National Poetry Month. The only month worth celebrating is National Cheeseburger Month.
12. The aquatic appreciation of the powerfully immaculate 5-second watery whoosh of a public toilet after we finish our business
13. During daylight savings time, springing the clocks ahead only 55 minutes and then secretly pocketing a cool 5 minutes for yourself on the down low.
14. Seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman outfit
15. Experiencing that thunderbolt of understanding when you’re watching the Oscars and the revered actress Eva Marie-Saint casually refers to a guy named Fred Hitchcock. And then boom! Suddenly you realize she’s talking about Alfred Hitchcock.

The Winter Olympics are to the Summer Olympics what Arena Football is to the NFL. And while I hope everyone enjoys the Winter Olympics, I’m going to pay about as much attention to them as I do Arena Football’s Cleveland Gladiators. It’s remarkable there’s so much interest in the Winter Olympics considering the entire wintry spectacle is based on nothing more than sliding. Sliding around on some form of frozen water. In actuality there are really just two events – sliding on skis and sliding on skates. And if you think about it, there’s really just one event because skates are just very small skis used for sliding.

And somehow from this singular principle of controlled sliding the Olympic Committee has concocted 102 distinct events, all involving doing something unique while sliding around on frozen H2O. And they’re even awarding medals depending on how fast, accurately or artistically you can control your sliding. Countries take this very seriously and spend a lot of money sending their best sliders to the Olympics. It’s contagious really. For example guess what the most popular menu item is at the Olympic Village cafeteria? – Sliders. 

The XXIII Winter Olympics are being held in Pyeongchang, South Korea, which is not to be confused with Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea. And hopefully never to be confused with pying pyong, which is what I believe they call table tennis in Korea.   Read the rest of this entry »

Girl Scouts of America’s proposed new logo.

Girl Scouts of America (GSA) have taken what was traditionally a little charitable bake sale and transformed it into a sophisticated glucose delivery system. Frantic sales scenes like the following have been reported all across America as a kind of cookie-mania has swept over our nations medical marijuana dispensaries.

Near the entrance to Pot Shots in Portland, OR, 9-year old Becky Galvin was all dressed up in her freshly pressed Girl Scout uniform when she looked up at red-eyed Eddie Miller and observed, “You look like you could use a box of my Thin Mints.”

“How much for a box,” blurted-out a fidgety Mr. Miller?

A match made in marketing heaven.

“Five dollars sir,” politely answered Becky.

“I’ll take 20.” Mr. Miller quickly tossed a C-note on the portable plastic table Mrs. Galvin had purchased recently at Costco and in the span of 2 minutes, 19 boxes were loaded into the meshed netting of his 2008 Honda Element. He reserved one box for his personal use in the front seat.

“This box’ll be empty before I ever get home,” Mr. Miller remarked before mistakenly wishing Becky good luck on her new religion.    Read the rest of this entry »

Internet (Net) and movies (flix, for the flickering light once associated with silent movies) have been combined in a cuckoo hip way to form what we know as Netflix. I pray you understand that.

As a savvy and demanding public of cord cutters continues to fragment the entertainment industry, Netflix has attempted valiantly to reconnect these fragments with prestige shows featuring ever more obscure premises. For example my neighbor Sam is actually in contract with Netflix for a show called Guess What I had for Dinner Last Night? And although the shows thin premise will appeal to a demographic limited to the people in Sam’s immediate household, apparently Netflix’s business model has found a way to make it profitable. These are shows you’ll never see on network TV because, ummm, who sees network TV anymore. Well that and the gratuitous use of swear words.

As a man of serious leisure and humorous disposition, I’ve taken the time to catalogue and review this year’s offerings from Netflix so you may more productively spend your hard-earned discretionary time. Incidentally, if Netflix finds this presentation entertaining, they say they’ll finance a series called It’s Fun to Play Make Believe Featuring David Hardiman and His Imaginary Friends.     

And so it is with lightly-bridled joy and many grains of salt I take great pleasure in presenting my review of new Netflix series.   

I Married an Eggplant

After matrimonial laws are changed in Massachusetts, vegetarian Trudy Lessing marries a very special eggplant from her secret garden. All is not well however in the Garden of Trudy when Roger (the eggplant) develops second thoughts about their marriage when he discovers Trudy is a vegetarian and is eating all his brothers and sisters. In an effort to improve their relationship Trudy becomes a strict carnivore, but then runs afoul of her militant PETA friends. It’s just one thing after another as no good deed goes unpunished in this odd couple romance. In Season 2 Episode 8 Trudy discovers Roger spooning with a curvy cucumber which leads to a very awkward threesome. In the season finale the Animal and Plant Kingdom become one when Trudy gives birth to a well-adjusted baby “egg man.” And when a teary-eyed Roger first holds his little sprig of joy he sings, “You are the egg man, goo goo g’joob.”       Read the rest of this entry »

1.  I like mine with a Downy Fabric Softener chaser
   

   Way better than candy corn, these colorful chemical compounds get your bowels surprisingly clean. Now with lemon-freshened phosphates.

2. Beats eating clumping cat litter – that’s really stupid.
3. Looks good on a resume: if you’re trying to get into a loony bin.
4. Allowed me to say to my girlfriend, “Yeah, well who’s cool now?”
5. It’s financially rewarding. I won a $20 bar bet. So what if it cost $3400 in emergency room bills. 
6. 4 out of 5 dentists agree: It is the cheapest way to whiten your teeth. (the 5th one recommends brushing with bleach).
7. Who needs Mentos and Coke when you’ve got Tide Pods?
8. Some see deadly chemical compounds. I see bright and shiny Halloween candy.
9. After eating one I like to get very agitated. That way you can really work it through your system.
10. When all is eaten and done, at least you get a free anal bleaching. It left my poop chute sparklingly clean and daisy fresh…from what I was told. 
11. Proctor & Gamble has had Tide Pods designated as a vegetable and therefore eligible for school lunches programs
12. What better way to tell the world you’re a certifiable moron.
13. Nutritionist warn it’s not a good idea to eat Tide Pods, however they do agree it’s a good source of dietary borax.
14. From Young Sheldon: How can you not deny the pleasure of ingesting non-ionic surfactants?

Today’s thermonuclear pot pellets will take the top of your head off if you’re not careful. So be careful. Here’s how.

Reefer madness is back in a big and legal way and agribusiness (or the Agri-ceutical Business as I call it) is scrambling to expand their market share by creating more designer strains of weed than you can shake a ganja stick at. In appealing to recreational users in underserved niches growers have formulated some highly customized experiences bordering on the absurd. Accordingly, this sincere satirization of those formulations also borders on the absurd and is in keeping with the general weirdness of marijana experiences to begin with. So even though this is a work of fiction, it’s never too far from reality.

My purported purpose (yes – a purported purpose) in writing this piece is to help the uninitiated select a designer pot that’s right for them. Having said that (I love to say that), my real purpose is to generate the knowing smirk we all exhibit when we become momentarily free from years of accumulated struggles. For some it takes the power of an NDE (Near Death Experience) to convince us that all is not as it seems. But usually this knowing smirk is generated more prosaically.

For example sometimes this kind of liberating interruption visits us when we’re right in the middle of doing something very human – as in this case, optimizing our reefer choices. Perhaps your knowing smirk may appear between sentences, or maybe as you look away from the words and all your pretense vanishes. It may not come at all even though you know it’s there. Sometimes you just can’t get there until you’ve plowed through enough of life’s buffeting experiences and finally surrender into, “Alright. Enough already. I get it.” And then we may get that window on the marvel behind all creation – and this isn’t the pot talking either.

I’m holding out for a lot here, and the medium I’ve chosen (a silly faux review of designer pot) is perhaps not the most direct route to this level of self-awareness, however rest assured, whether you feel it or not, it’s all happening anyway – is this coming through? Alright I’ll get on with it. Read the rest of this entry »

They paid to do this. A mule train of mountaineers searching for their peak experience on Mount Everest.

Mount Everest is 29,000 ft. tall, but assaulting the summit actually begins at Base Camp which is at 18,000 feet. So in reality it’s an 11,000 ft. climb. But please, do not think I’m trying to diminish this redoubtable feat. Far from it. Successfully summiting Everest involves a mighty confluence of endurance, planning, money and oxygen. And let us not forget that even though Base Camp is at a lofty 18,000 ft., airplane oxygen masks drop down at 14,000 ft. – that is, “in the unlikely event of cabin depressurization.”

And not too diminish the majesty of Mount Everest; but due to a geologic quirk in the earth’s Jello-ey innards, Everest is not even the highest point on earth. That distinction belongs to Mount Chimborazo in Ecuador, sticking up at a pedestrian 20,703 ft. So even though Mount Everest has a higher cardinal altitude, Chimborazo has the distinction of being the “highest mountain or point above Earth’s center,” because Earth is not a sphere. It’s an oblate spheroid and bulges in certain areas (like most of us do) rendering Mount Chimborazo “closer” to outer space than Mount Everest.

Read the rest of this entry »

A sliver of the future: Space Tourism. It’s what’s for dinner.

Be here now. You here it all the time. Be in the moment – that’s where it’s at. And while I don’t doubt the merit in being “present,” I also believe in expanding my awareness to include the future. To that end I’ve spent years practicing techniques that allow me to slither through cosmic wormholes and experience the future. I’ve become quite adept at it and sometimes I experience the future like there’s no tomorrow (so to speak). Unfortunately the interdimensional gatekeepers prevent time travelers like me from bringing back any of the good stuff. Instead I’m relegated to one duty-free keepsake memory from the future. After declaring this approved memory from a list of duty-free recollections, I then take it through cosmic customs and happily report it back to you in the present. And although it isn’t particularly earth-shattering or enlightening unto itself, this unique keepsake memory  does provide enough clues (much like a Sudoku puzzle) to allow one to fill in the blanks and perhaps imagine the society of 2031 in its entirety derived only from the scant evidence I’m allowed to present. If you can collate, extrapolate and percolate (as in drinking lots of coffee while trying to figure it out), you may be able to fully grasp the world of the future from the meager clues offered herein: as in this case Yelp reviews of space tourism flights. 

So without further fanfare or ado (could fanfare and ado be the same thing?), I’m mightily pleased to present to you my gift of Yelp space tourism reviews from the future.

5 Stars: Princess Space Cruise Lines

OK, first of all if I could give them 6 Stars I would. Princess dazzled me. What Princess Cruise Lines does on water they also do in the vacuum of space. Whether it was the unlimited Chilean sea bass (sustainably caught and ethically processed) at the seafood buffet or listening to 95-year-old Engelbert Humperdinck (also sustainably caught and ethically processed) sing his greatest hits in business class, Princess has managed to seamlessly extend their festive seaborne experience into a special airborne experience until eventually it becomes an unforgettable vacuum borne experience. And dare I say it: This vacuum does not suck. Read the rest of this entry »

That’s a lot of eggs.
Oh, that’s just some of your your lifetimes lived and unlived.

George Grossman died of natural causes at the age of 33 – if you consider being struck by a meteor as “natural.” George’s bewildering demise occurred while he was racing to the hospital to witness the delivery of his second child who would turn out to be a son named Jake. Many years later fatherless Jake (his mother Shirley never remarried) grew up longing for the father he never knew. Upon his death, Jake vowed to seek out his deceased father in the afterworlds. And one day it came to pass that Jake actually did pass, and upon ascending to the vault of heaven was pleased to see his long since deceased sister Kelly, his mother Shirley and a few family pets all waiting for him in a gauzy meadow. But where was dad? He’d waited his entire life for this moment and dad was a no show.

“What gives, Jake exclaimed? “Where’s dad,” he lamented in the ethereal waviness of the afterlife?

Just then a Yoda-ish guardian angel appeared and explained to Jake that when his father George died (meteor to the head), George’s soul was placed in the body of his son Jake Grossman.

“You mean…” Jake gasped.

“Yes, you’ve had sex with your mother. But don’t freak out because she was your loving wife at the time. Oedipal complexes aside, I’m here to tell you that you are your own father. That’s why he didn’t show up in the afterlife despite your life long yearnings. Now Jake, this rarely happens in the reincarnation business I superintend, but consider this from my perspective. You had just been born and you had also just died, and there was no time to implement the usual protocols so we took a short cut and played fast and loose with the code of interdimensional reincarnation birthing procedures and placed your soul in your son’s body. I hope you’re not too upset.

“As a reward for enduring our production snafu, in your next lifetime we’re allowing you to get in line twice when they pass out brains – or any other organ you may want to double in size. You’re also scheduled to inherit the handsome gene from your mother’s side,” explained the Soul Ombudsman. And with that crude gesture of frontier reincarnation justice, the little oracle evanesced into the ethers.

Just before whooshing into his new earth body, the soul of Jake Grossman was advised to: learn his life lessons, recognize his divinity and transcend the wheel of reincarnation. Achieving the first two would allow for the 3^rd item thereby providing him the key to the password protected speakeasy and allow his soul to reassume its rightful place in the rapture more popularly known as God’s After Party.