Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Conversations You Don’t Hear Anymore:

1. Sea Captain: These dodo birds are delicious.

        First Mate:     Yeah, and there’s so many of them we’ll never run out.

 

2. The Skipper: Hey little Buddy, maybe you should spend more time in my hammock.

       Gilligan:  No and Hell No. I hope I’m never shipwrecked on a deserted island with you. Oh wait…damn it.

 

3. Are you still on the phone?
      No, you can use it now.

 

4. Boy, my iron lung really gets in the way when we go camping.

 

5. And when you meet Mr. Shakespeare, please, don’t call him Billy

 

6. No one is going to want to pay extra for airbags.

 

7. (Translated from Italian) Leonardo, there is no such thing as a heavier-than-air machine. That idea just won’t fly.

 

8. There’ll be a Big Bang and galaxies will form and life will arise from a Primordial Soup and it’ll be so cool.

         OK, but what would be the purpose of it all?

 

9. (Translated from Ectoplasm language) An amoeba feeling horny and coming on to itself: I’m up for a little mitosis. Are you? Let’s have a little fun and split.

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Addendumb

 Conjugating the Verb “Amtrak” and “Amish”

 

Standard English

I                 Amtrak                         I                 Amish

He/she       Istrak                            He/She         Isish

They          Aretrak                         They                  Areish

 

 

1. The sound of a hummingbird that can’t quite find the tune
2. Gentle rain falling on a corpse (Once they tell you that, you can’t get it out of your head)
3. William Shatner singing the Beatles “Why………Don’t-We-Do-It-in-the-Road”
4. A recorded loop of “Please listen carefully as some of our menu items have changed.”
   

   Q. What’s your favorite color noise?
   A. White.

5. Another recorded loop of “No, YOU listen carefully. Nobody in their right mind had any of your stupid menu items memorized in the first place.”
6. The sound of watermelons dropped from the Leaning Tower of Pisa
7. A recording of the men’s bathroom stalls at Taco Bell after a biker rally
8. Repeated sound of a cat scrambling to escape a bathtub with only 2 inches of water in it
9. A symphony of leaf blowers playing “YMCA”

Maybe this list should be retitled: Annoying Sounds Keeping Me Up at Night

In 1850, in the far-off land of North Hampshirepool, at their country estate of Wuthering Gulch, Lord Reginald Bettencourt and Lady Bettencourt, discover a street urchin sleeping beneath a bird bath in their rose garden. The young waif was dressed only in sack cloth and a dirty little cap. After expressing surprise that he’d made it across the moat, they wondered what they should do with the little guy:

Lord Reginald Bettencourt: Tsk, tsk. I say we deposit the wastrel at one of those no-kill shelters for children.

Lady Bettencourt: They’re called orphanages Reggie and we’ll have none of that. I think ‘tis best we raise him to be a service tyke, and then perhaps, in time he may become a service lad until we can develop him into a full-fledged indentured servant.

Lord Reginald: Indentured you say? I don’t know, his teeth look fine to me.

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Lady Bettencourt has the servants feed and wash the child. She later asks the cook Prunella, how the lad enjoyed his gruel.

Prunella: He said he wanted more.

LB: More gruel?

Prunella: Yes. He said, “Please ma’am, I want some more” and held up his bowl.

LB: Prunella, bring this impudent boy to me.

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The freshly dressed boy is led into a cavernous room with absurdly high ceilings, way too many paintings and a roaring fireplace that raises the temperature from a chilly 52° to a balmy 54° (possibly in Kelvin degrees and not in Fahrenheit degrees) He sits attentively before Lady Bettencourt as she commences to examine the boy:

LB: What is your name son?

Urchin: (In a thick Cockney accent) Moy name ees Oliva Straight.

LB: Oliver Straight?

OS: Aye, that’s right ma’am.

LB: And why were you sleeping under our bird bath?

OS: Because yer stone bench was too hard.

LB: Prunella said you asked for more gruel. Did you like it?

OS: Not really. It was very grueling, but I was very hungry.

LB: Do you have any family or do you just live on the streets.

OS: I live by me wits ma’am. Me family’s all gone from the cholera.

LB: How did you avoid the alligators in the moat?

OS: Me’s bean taught ta be a very awtful dodja (artful dodger).

LB: How would you like to live with us for a while?

OS: I dunno. Dee-pends on ‘ow much rent ya gonna charge me.

LB: My, my. You are a little dickens.

OS: No, I ain’t ma’am. I’m just written that way.

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And after that brief interview, it came to pass that Oliver Straight became a contributing member of Wuthering Gulch. Lady Bettencourt estate-schooled him and soon he was speaking the King’s English. And when the King died, he began speaking the Queen’s English.

 

As the years passed, Lady Bettencourt took great interest in tutoring the lad and noticed his penchant for habituating the horse stables, where the men tended to the horses. She queried him about this.

 

LB: Oliver, do you find yourself drawn to those burly men in the stables?

OS: Why yes, mum. Tis true. My interest in those strapping wranglers knows no bounds.

LB: I see. Would I be correct then in thinking that Oliver Straight is gay?

OS: I wouldn’t deny it mum.

LB: Well, that’s quite a twist Oliver. Hmmm. Oliver twist. That gives me an idea. (She calls to Lord Bettencourt) Reggie aren’t we seeing that Charles Dickens next week?

Lord Reginald: Why yes, we are my dearest one. He and his wife Catherine are here for dinner in a fortnight.

LB: Heavens to Betsy, have I got a story for him.

1. Great Great Great Grandmothers’ Day – Not nearly as popular as Great Great Grandmothers’ Day
2. Amnesia Awareness Day – The day when you bring your amnesiac a bouquet of Forget-me-nots.
3. Indigenous Twinkies Day – Celebrates Native Twinkies that once inhabited grocery store shelves before waves of predatory Twinkies invaded our stores. This day is a time to reflect on the harsh methods employed by the Invasive Twinkies in oppressing the Indigenous Twinkies. It’s all part of the cross-disciplinary field known as Critical Twinkie Theory.
4. Doris Day Day – Sometimes combined with Susan Dey Day and Sandra Day O’Connor Day.
5. Baby Toe Appreciation Day – Why not give the l’il fellow a day of recognition to go wee wee wee all the way home?
6. Siamese Twins Separation Day – Traditionally celebrated with a banana split
7. Nostril Appreciation Day – Without these twin orifices we’d just be a bunch of mouth breathers.
8. Amtrak Appreciation Day – Who doesn’t appreciate train travel…everyone
9. Unrefrigerated Mayonnaise Day – A celebration of the brown-tipped edges of room temperature mayo. Usually sitting out on the counter next to the warm and very spreadable butter.
10. Root Canal Appreciation Day – AKA Masochist Celebration Day
11. Tony Danza Appreciation Day – I’d rather have Tony Danza and not need him, than not have Tony Danza and need him.

And Finally…

       Orgasm Appreciation Day – Isn’t it ironic that this Day only comes once a year?

 

 

Oh, wait, I did think of these. I guess I wasn’t careful what I wished for.

1. Who makes a tornado chaser look smart?

          A volcano chaser.

2. What goes well with a shot of lava?

          A volcano chaser.

3. The Toast Restaurant Admits: “Bread and butter is our bread and butter.”
4. Pet Sleepwear Outlet Admits: “Our cat’s pajamas are the cat’s pajamas.”
5. Magnet Magnate Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
6. Cartoon Character Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
7. Crab Meat Admits: “Butter is drawn to me.”
8. Guy claiming to have a Horse Drawn Carriage Admits: “The carriage was really drawn by my daughter and not our horse.
9. Ticket Taker Admits: A fan into the stadium.
10. Woke Person Admits: “I may be woke, but I’m very groggy.”

11. Pièce de résistance Admits: “I’m just a piece of resistance.”
12. I’m always unnerved when someone yells at me, “Enjoy your stupid life.”

         How did they know?

 

Addendumb

1. My college roommate is the mature one. Unlike me, he eats his bread with the crust on and is able to sleep with the lights off.
2. News from the Highway: Prestressed Concrete Suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Plenty of blame to go around. Mostly it’s your asphalt.
3. Since when did “I know it like the back of my hand” become a standard for certainty. I couldn’t identify the back of my hand if it was a the lineup with other hands. Facial recognition, yes. Back of the hand recognition, not yet.
4. I just realized: I’m left-nostrilled. And I thought I was ambi-nostrilled for the longest time.

1. Bob: I hear that new brothel is having a soft opening this weekend.

         Jim: What else is new?  

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2. Innovative Way to Toilet Train Your Toddler

*Sung to the tune of “Going to the Chapel of Love”

Going to the bathroom and we’re, Gonna make pooo-ooopy.

Going to the bathroom where you’re, Gonna make pooo-ooopy.

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3. Veterinarian Fields a Question:

Dr. Moore, I know what it means when my cat licks my face – that she loves and accepts me. But what does it mean when my dog gives me a blow job?

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4. I see the Adult Book Store is hiring again. I don’t think I want to work there. The sign in the window says “Apply Deep Within.”

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4. A Doctor Without Any Bedside Manner Giving a Patient the Bad News

 *Sung to the tune of Lesley Gore’s “It’s My Party.”

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to,

Cry if I want to, die if I want to

You would cry too if you had Stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

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6. Classic Lay’s Potato Chips are a very popular snack with Catholics who refer to Classic Lay’s as Missionary Chips.

Ben:    Where are you and Luke going?

Matt:  To Morro Bay.

Ben:    I didn’t ask when you were going, I asked where you were going.

Matt:  And I told you. To Morro.

Ben:    OK. Well then when are you going?

Matt:  Tomorrow?

Ben:    Yes, when are you going to Morro?

Matt:  I told you. Tomorrow.

Ben:    So you’re going to Morro tomorrow?

Matt:  Yup.

Ben:    OK. Where will you be dining?

Matt:  Oh, we’re going over to the Dockside.

Ben:    I didn’t ask you anything about Star Wars. I was just wondering where you’ll be eating.

Matt:  And I told you. Luke and I are going over to the Dockside near the Big Rock.

Ben:    I give up. May the Force be with you.

Matt:  No. May the 4^th was 2 weeks ago.

 

Cajun/Creole Creations

1. Coca-Nola – A cola drink sold only in New Orleans
2. Beignet – Taste-testers felt beignets were passe and stale. Many commented, “Beignet, done that.”
3. Jumbo Liar – Big, spicy Cajun dish filled with fat fibbers, porcine perjurers and luscious liars, all served-up with a generous portion of shellfish-ness
4. Dumbo – You’ll roux the day you try this Disney version of Gumbo. Disney’s Dumbo soup is the elephant in the roux-m no one wants to talk about – let alone eat.
5. Crayfish, Crawfish, Crawdads – I don’t know where any of them sing, but they do stick in my craw.
6. A-2-Fey – A Hip-Hop version of étouffée. Dish was doomed from the start when Tina Fey refused to endorse A-2-Fey.

 

Domestic Disasters

1. Fig Glutens – Great – if you’re a glutton for gluten
2. From the Makers of Planter’s Peanuts came an unsuccessful spin-off: Planter’s Fasciitis
3. Argue-la – A quarrelsome version of arugula. Made for some very angry salads.
4. Spaghetti É’s – The French version of Spaghetti O’s.
5. Twice-thawed Pizza – The makers of twice-baked potatoes discovered doubly-thawed and refrozen pizza wasn’t twice as nice
6. Flocked Flakes – Post Cereal’s answer to Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. It fared poorly in test markets. People said they were uncomfortable eating anything that had been flocked.
7. Pepperidge Farm Seahorses – Goldfish, yes. Seahorses, neigh.
8. Cannibal Crackers – Animal crackers, yes. Cannibal Crackers, bite your tongue.

 

The Hostess Ho Ho’s Franchise

1. Hostess Ho’s – Illegal in most states. Very expensive to buy. Even more expensive to touch.
2. Hostess Ho, Ho’s – The traditional tasty snack cake. Always popular
3. Hostess Ho, Ho, Ho’s – Santa’s yuletide snack cake. It was like Christmas in your mouth.

 

Gender Identity Foods

1. Bi-Curious Bananas – Very a-peeling. But will they sell? As you’d expect with Bi-Curious Bananas, they could go either way
2. Mom-sicles – Female version of the Pop-sicle
3. Womangoes – Female version of mangoes
4. Non-Binary Gingerbread Men – They no longer identify as cookies and are referred to as Gingerbread Thems

Robert Culp was a guest-murderer on Colombo in 4 different episodes. And even though he was serving 4 consecutive life sentences for those murders, each time he was somehow released only to murder again. For God’s sake man, who was overseeing his probation – his agent?

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When will we learn to lock up and throw away the script on these make-believe TV murderers so they’ll never pretend-murder again. Won’t someone take responsibility for Robert Culp’s crimes and admit, “Mea Culp-a.”

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Robert Culp is not the only actor to kill again and again. I’m looking at you Patrick McGoohan, Sir Anthony Hopkins and Norman Bates. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the actors and actresses whose parts were cut short, snuffed-out if you will, by the deadly scripts of unfeeling screenwriters.

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Fortunately, Robert Culp has passed on to that great casting couch in the sky where he is no longer able to cut short the parts of deserving actors who’ve been written out of scripts all too early because of his murderous handiwork. Instead, Robert Culp is now being driven crazy by deceased Peter Falk’s Columbo character following him around and relentlessly pestering him: “Aah, there’s just one more thing Bob…”