Posts Tagged ‘god’

(As It Pertains to Peoples’ Names)

Be it known to all homo sapiens, that I (your eternal pal, the Almighty) am not a fan of these designer, boutique names that so many of my errant flock have wantonly applied to themselves. These hip-hop and vacuous monikers conjure up unjustified notions of characters ranging from gilded royalty to gritty street urchins. It is therefore incumbent upon me to apply some long overdue divine intervention in the realm of names.

 

Commencing immediately I shall expunge all names with hyphens, numbers or overly long names with too many consonants that even I lose interest in pronouncing halfway through. I fully support plain, understandable American names – the way I meant them to be. Stout, coherent names like Calvin Coolidge, Courtney Cox or Neil Armstrong. Bear in mind, P Diddy or Lizzo or Dua Lipa are not names. They’re brand names. Alanis Morrisette is as exotic as a name needs to be.

 

It is my edict that all single names are abolished. Except for Cher. I’m grandfathering her in. Only she and my son Jesus get to keep their one-word names. Names like Marlon Brando, Harry Belafonte or Sophia Loren are wonderful names and lightly evince a cachet of both sophistication and class – listening P Diddy or 50 Cent. Put another way: Alanis Morrisette – Good, Vanilla Ice – Bad. Listen my children, you’re already special. You don’t need to wrap yourself in a craven moniker to make you feel even more so.

 

So, as a service to my flock I’m providing guidelines for proper name-age. I bring forth these tablets from Mt. Sinai containing The New 14 Commandments as it pertains to names:

1. 

   Yeah, what he said.

   Henceforth all middle names shall be smack in the middle of the name, where they belong. They shall have a one-word first name on the left side, and a one-word surname on the right side. And because I’m such a compassionate Deity, exceptions to this rule are allowed in the South for Billy Bob’s, Billy Jo’s and Mary Kay’s.

 

2. All believers shall be permitted a one-word last name. No hyphens. No two parts. If one is to marry another, one can either take the spouse’s name or keep their own, period. Let us never forget what happened when Caroline Cumberbatch married Reginald Humperdinck and became Caroline Cumberbatch-Humperdinck. That’s a mouthful the Church simply cannot countenance. It’s inherently disordered.

Hyphenated last names left untreated can lead to even graver consequences, as when Sheila Campanella-Firestone married Kenneth Binswanger-Kravitz, and kept her name while adopting his. Suddenly we were introducing, Sheila Campanella-Firestone Binswanger-Kravitz to her wedding planner, Kirsten Moultrie-Goddard Bulwer-Cavendish. This is unsustainable and must end now. Non-simplifiers shall be smote on the thumbs with a branding iron of not less than 350°.

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3. And as a friendly reminder, ye shall not take the Lord’s name in vain, nor shall ye take any drugs in vein

 

4. Nicknames are fine (“Buzz” Aldrin for example), but thou shalt not be generally known by a one-word name like Lizzo, Ye or Pink. As mentioned, Cher will be grandmothered in and allowed to keep Cher (Sarkisian). And of course, baby Jesus’ name is untouchable; and if he approves it (after consulting with his mother), Madonna may keep her single name.

 

And one more thing about this “Ye” guy who arrogates to himself powers of arbitration on all that’s fashionable; he is not Ye. Talk about your false idols, Ye is a fraud. I am Ye. John Lennon said it best about Ye when he sang: ♫I am Ye, as you are Ye, and you are Me, and we are altogether. Goo Goo G’joob. ♫

 

 

5. Under no circumstances may one covet thy neighbors’ name. Nor shall ye lay with another man’s name unless it be Sealy, Serta or Posturepedic.

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News of the Universe is a weekly digest of newsworthy events materializing in the entirety of our Cosmos. It is published by the Powers that Be – a subsidiary of the Almighty. News of the Universe has been covering everything in God’s creation since before the Big Bang. Yes, they’ve been reporting ever since that lesser publicized, but very enabling Little Bang got the whole singularity expanding in the year 3000 BBB (Before the Big Bang).

 

As one might expect, News of the Universe (NOTU) is a star-studded publication with a stellar reputation and an astronomical reach to its far flung, extra-terrestrial audience. It’s available everywhere except on Rigel-7, where Wi-Fi is spotty owing to disruptions in the space-time continuum courtesy of renegade Black Holes that simply refuse to play by the settled laws of physics. News of the Universe is a decorated periodical that has won a Parsec Pulitzer Prize for blowing the lid off unseen, hypothetical matter and exposing the truth about this invisible material in their spotlight series Dark Matter Matters.

 

The following article is the second most popular article from this week’s publication with over 38 X 10⁶⁵ hits. In case you were wondering, the most popular and ogled section was the Alien Illustrated Swimsuit issue. 

 

From News of the Universe May 4th 2023:

 

 

Miracle in the Milky Way

 

~ Billions of Humans Found Alive on Planet Earth! ~

The planet earth, previously believed to be incinerated in the Milky Way’s supernova of 1054, has been found intact and teeming with 8 billion so-called humans, living unsupervised in something they call a “society.” The cosmic hierarchy was stunned to find these orphaned children of God mostly healthy and seemingly insensible to their predicament. The rediscovery was made quite by accident when heavenly accountant Coopers & Lybrand’s was performing their annual inventory of the 2 trillion galaxies for the Almighty. Read the rest of this entry »

While it’s true that Heaven’s eligibility requirements have remained unaltered since God first sneezed the Cosmos into existence 15 billion years ago (6,000 years ago for my orthodox Christian friends), a growing chorus of HOA members have begun to proclaim the right to print their own Golden Ticket to Heaven. HOA President-for-life and creator of the gated community, our Almighty Lord, was at a loss to explain the misunderstanding – especially since he thought he’d been preaching to the chorus the whole time. Through his chosen emissary and longtime Pearly Gate bouncer St. Peter, the Lord reminded us that, “The laws of the Cosmos are unbending and universally applicative. There isn’t some ‘Yeah, well Heaven’s requirements might apply to faceless masses toiling in the fields, but surely not to sophisticated, self-aware souls like me who were into the whole craft beer thing before it became mainstream’.” 

St. Peter went on to explain: “There is no work around for entitled souls that will catapult their privileged asses into the vault of Heaven. Your karmic résumé must reflect balance, otherwise you’ll be catapulted back into another birth till you wake up and smell the karma. Sometimes it stinks to high heaven and other times it’s your best friend to break you out of the illusion of separateness. It will even out. It must. It does. These are not my laws inasmuch as they are the laws. Don’t blame the messenger. I’m just passing it on. This link may be of aid: Paths to God (not preachy) Read the rest of this entry »

George Grossman died of natural causes at the age of 33 – if you consider being struck by a meteor as “natural.” George’s bewildering demise occurred while he was racing to the hospital to witness the delivery of his second child who would turn out to be a son named Jake. Many years later fatherless Jake (his mother Shirley never remarried) grew up longing for the father he never knew. Upon his death, Jake vowed to seek out his deceased father in the afterworlds. And one day it came to pass that Jake actually did pass, and upon ascending to the vault of heaven was pleased to see his long since deceased sister Kelly, his mother Shirley and a few family pets all waiting for him in a gauzy meadow. But where was dad? He’d waited his entire life for this moment and dad was a no show.

“What gives, Jake exclaimed? “Where’s dad,” he lamented in the ethereal waviness of the afterlife?

Just then a Yoda-ish guardian angel appeared and explained to Jake that when his father George died (meteor to the head), George’s soul was placed in the body of his son Jake Grossman.

“You mean…” Jake gasped.

“Yes, you’ve had sex with your mother. But don’t freak out because she was your loving wife at the time. Oedipal complexes aside, I’m here to tell you that you are your own father. That’s why he didn’t show up in the afterlife despite your life long yearnings. Now Jake, this rarely happens in the reincarnation business I superintend, but consider this from my perspective. You had just been born and you had also just died, and there was no time to implement the usual protocols so we took a short cut and played fast and loose with the code of interdimensional reincarnation birthing procedures and placed your soul in your son’s body. I hope you’re not too upset.

“As a reward for enduring our production snafu, in your next lifetime we’re allowing you to get in line twice when they pass out brains – or any other organ you may want to double in size. You’re also scheduled to inherit the handsome gene from your mother’s side,” explained the Soul Ombudsman. And with that crude gesture of frontier reincarnation justice, the little oracle evanesced into the ethers.

Just before whooshing into his new earth body, the soul of Jake Grossman was advised to: learn his life lessons, recognize his divinity and transcend the wheel of reincarnation. Achieving the first two would allow for the 3^rd item thereby providing him the key to the password protected speakeasy and allow his soul to reassume its rightful place in the rapture more popularly known as God’s After Party.

 

God Accused of the Nonconsensual and Unwelcomed Relocation of Vulnerable Souls from their True Home in Fabulous Heaven to the Crude Habitat of Problematic Earth

Is this just another case of soulful harassment so prevalent these days? Well, as we’ll see it may depend on your perspective.

 

The Dam Breaks

A trickle of repressed memories bravely voiced by a few earthbound souls has led to a torrent of recovered memories by other souls who’ve come forward to corroborate disturbing accounts of being forcibly evicted from their lofty perch in fabulous heaven and relegated to the surly confines of problematic earth.  

And even though she’s not been asked, attorney Gloria Allred has agreed to represent the entire human race of 7.5 billion people in a class action suit of Everyone vs. The All-Being. She seeks to restore her would-be clients to their former heavenly station, including the wings, halos and the ecstatic drama-free environment they were accustomed to. “We know of no compelling reason why the Almighty chose to arbitrarily cast out his adoring flock into a far flung Earthly outpost devoid of the unity, love and clarity so abundant in their rightful home. His capricious action is doubly painful because he seems to be doing it simply for his own amusement,” offered the well-intentioned Allred. Read the rest of this entry »

What am I doing back here on Earth?  It could be God’s reincarnation file was hacked and I was mistakenly assigned the “Earth end of the stick.” Or perhaps it’s just an easily rectified clerical error. Either way it’s the worst do-over since Milli Vanilli got back together. How an enlightened soul like me could get conscripted (shanghaied really) into fighting this Earthly battle again is beyond me. I’m not even on anybody’s side. I’m just a shell-shocked spiritual vagrant, tramping around down here on some kind of unrevealed maneuvers. At least in the military there’s a defined mission with a clear goal and all activities support the mission. But on Earth the mission is alarmingly vague. Is it to: Live long and prosper or To relieve suffering or To do unto others before they do unto you? – I’m perplexed. The good news is I’ll never suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder because I suffer from Current-Traumatic Panic Attack. Read the rest of this entry »

Professional sports leagues provide the best euphemisms for those souls who’ve dearly departed the playing field. For example, the NFL describes death as being placed on the “Permanently Unable to Perform List.” If you do not go gently into that good night, Major League Baseball will put you on the “Involuntary Retirement List.” And to the NBA death is that strange thing where you suddenly find yourself playing for the 6 feet and under league. And while some run in terror from the Grim Reaper, others see an opportunity in being Reaped by His Grimness. For instance, after your body has been repossessed by the Grim Repo Man, you no longer have to watch in disbelief while it slowly delaminates and its once sculpted contours begin to look like something you’d see in a Funhouse mirror. Death also makes you very easy to shop for at Christmas. I mean what do you get for the person who has no pulse? – Defibrillators? Read the rest of this entry »

 

Identity theft, long thought to have victimized only earthlings with good credit scores, has smote The Almighty. Believers began to have suspicions when so many of their prayers went unanswered. Atheists seemed to be unaffected by the theft. After burning around the bush, our Lord announced today (through a spokesman as usual) that for a brief period of time his identity had been stolen. His oracle went on to remind his minions that, “His Eminence is not responsible for any karmic debts entered into by his impersonator during the period of the usurpation.” Equifax immediately downgraded the Lord’s credit rating from Immaculate to Cash Only; stating, “While we recognize God is too big to fail, we believe that until his true identity is confirmed creditors should not accept any more of his Covenants because right now we don’t know him from Adam.”
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Dear Great Sky God, 

It’s me, Feathers-in-his-Head Hardiman again; your brave brave. I’ve been meaning to say a few things to you and what better time than when I’m drunk. I got my Vodka Medical card and I know how to use it. Why go to the doctor when you can self-medicate? Some self-medicate by embracing a higher purpose. I choose alcohol, and this letter is proof. 86 proof. Strong stuff that vodka. 86 proof is like 130% alcohol. My vodka of choice is called Absolut Blotto.  

And I’m drot that nunk either cuz I know how to face myself. In fact I’m feeling real uplifted cuz I’ve been reading a bunch of commencement speeches given by highly paid achievers to people of varying Degrees. Turns out you can achieve anything you want to if you’re real lucky, meet the right people and don’t spread any STDs. And unlike Little League Baseball, you don’t get a participation trophy for just showing up. Anyway that’s what Bill O’Reilly said at Liberty College in 2014. Tough love bullshit really. I’m sorry I used profanity Great Sky God. I didn’t mean to say “Bill O’Reilly.” Read the rest of this entry »