1. 

   ABBA, IKEA, SAAB – It’s all Swedish to me.

   Foamed a runway

2. Played Liars Poker with George Santos
3. Foamed Katy Perry
4. Heard a Latin Pig grunt in Pig Latin, “nkoi-a, nkoi-a”
5. Misspelled ABBA: AHBBHA
6. Seeded a cloud with loose change just to watch it rain pennies from heaven
7. Visit Michealangelo’s sculpture studio to see all the people he got stoned
8. Gazed adoringly into your lover’s yearning eyes and breathlessly uttered, “Darling, my generals are writing checks, only your privates can cash”
9. Looked into a mirror and seen the back of your head
10. Removed (or implanted) an IUD in an elephant – hopefully a female elephant
11. Foamed a latte, then swirled a portrait of Mike Pence onto it

 

And one more dastardly one that should never have crossed my mind:

• You Haven’t Lived Until You’ve…Had your girlfriend pooh-pooh any talk of anal sex

Breaking News…SPONSORED

Lately people have wondered why David Hardiman’s writing has been so f*cking f*nny. Well now we know. He’s been using black market literary performance enhancing drugs purchased on the Dark Web. But not just any performance enhancing drugs. Literary performance enhancing drugs or LPEDs include ProseAct®, Mypenzasord® and Cleverify®.

 

These LPEDs operate similarly to the way Mary Tyler Moore did – They can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. Likewise, these LPEDs can take a nothing idea and suddenly make it all seem hilarious: for example; Man Returns Defective $750 Bookmark, or Dogs are Now Doing It Missionary Style. Prose-doping (as it’s called by literary critics) may seem like an unseemly expedient, but it renders Mr. Hardiman less inhibited, more insightful and better able to write good.

 

Prose Doping: Writers (and Readers) Take Warning

I thought I’d take a moment to illuminate these literary performance enhancing drugs (LPEDs). They are for literary types determined to express all of creation in a single paragraph. It’s hallucinogenics for writers (yeah like I need anything more to activate my imagination). There are 3 main classes of prose doping:

1. Inhibition Uptake Inhibitors: such as Proseact® relieve the Super Ego from constantly judging and allows a greater flow of verbiage through the hypothalamus and on into the fingers. Side effects include a desire to run with scissors and a complete understanding of all 7 levels of Marriott’s Vacation Club points awards system.
2. Matrix Colliders: such as Cleverify® allow the writer to accelerate contradictory ideas around their brain like in a cyclotron, then smash them together at high speed and write about the scattershot results to produce something called “Quantum Humor.” For example, the sentence “We must exercise our Free Will,” just sits there, but after smoking Cleverify® I cunningly morphed it into: “We must exercise our Free Will. We have no choice.”
3. Euphoria Perpetuators: This class of “Hey Jude” drug allows the writer to take a sad story and make it better. Mypenzasord® activates the same neurotransmitters fired by stamp collecting, hitting a beach ball at a Yanni concert or the satisfaction from having flossed for 3 consecutive days (see a doctor if you floss for 4 consecutive days).

 

You’ve seen what these LPEDs can do for Mr. Hardiman, so why not contact Pfizer Pfarmaceuticals on the Dark Web and see which LPED is right for you.    

 

Disclaimer:

• Hardiman is a paid spokesman for Pfizer Pfarmaceuticals and their apfiliates.
• His favorite dish is Chicken Pfarmesean.
• According to 23 and Me, and through no fault of his own, Mr. Hardiman is the great³⁶-grandson of Pontius Pilate.
• If you are experiencing a medical emergency, put your head between your legs or (better idea), put your head between the legs of someone you really like.
• Hardiman sees nothing wrong with reverse mortgages for unsophisticated seniors as long as he’s profiting from them.
• Hardiman had nothing to do with the Lindbergh baby kidnapping (apfidavit on pfile)
• Hardiman has never googled “Ethel Merman naked.” Whether or not he ever googled “Ernest Borgnine naked” is a matter for the courts to decide.
• His favorite Mel Brooks movie is Young Pfrankenstein

 

All ideas contained herein are the property of Doogie Howser and the Dalai Lama. The previous sentence written under the influence of matrix collider Cleverify®.

1. The Butchelor – A meat cutter searches for romance amongst a pool of free-range carnivores. If the Butchelor is interested, he sends her a single long-stemmed short-rib. The Meat & Greets are fleshy affairs where competitors can get their pork-pulled or their chicken-jerked depending on whatever thrills your grill. It’s rare that a show in this medium, is so well-done.
2. Hogan’s Gyros – After the war Hogan and his heroes earn a fortune selling gyros. In a delicatessen spinoff, his brother returns from the Navy and opens a sub shop.
3. The original Broadway musical 7 Brides for 7 Brothers is reimagined in this Mormon TV version entitled 14 Brides for 7 Brothers. It’s double the fun. And it’s big’o me to say that.
4. The Vegelor – A bachelor vegetarian searches for romance amongst an assortment of hot tamales, sweet petunias and silky cheesecakes. But watch what you say in this Vegetable Garden of Eden, because one of the vegetarians may be a plant. The Beet & Greets allow us to get acquainted with this year’s crop. In keeping with the Garden of Eden theme, all the women’s girly parts are fig-leafed. In the final show, the Vegelor selects his prize vegetarian-ette by placing a blue ribbon on her melons and planting a big wet one right on her lips.

In The Golden Vegelor (a spinoff for older audiences), the produce is a little more puckered, so the entire show takes place in a crisper.

5. The School of Soft Knocks – 3 Trust Fund babies discover there are only 2 first class seats left on their flight to Aspen for a ski vacation. Odd man out, Reginald can’t cope with loss of privilege and goes berserk in coach, until he’s tased by an Air Marshal.
6. America’s Got Feces – Gastroenterologist Simon Colon hosts this outdoor paean to poopy where contestants must “go where no man has gone before” including outhouses, hollow tree stumps and port-a-pottys. I think the show really stinks and is a human waste of time.
7. Little House on Drew Carey – In this HGTV pioneer show, micro cabins are built on Drew Carey’s unoccupied body parts. They all sellout quickly because The Price Is Right.
8. M*O*I*S*H – A Jewish version of M*A*S*H where everything is the same except the mess tent is kosher. The breakfast special is usually “fakin’-n-eggs.” It served retail, but they can get it for you wholesale.
9. Who Wants to Be a Kidney Donor – So far the show has had no willing contestants. Those who have been shanghaied into donating are given free dialysis for life.
10. Homo, or No Homo – In this game show, a celebrity panel must use their intuitive gaydar, to determine if a contestant is straight or gay
11. Jewpardy – It’s a Hebrew version of Jeopardy. Better know your Torah from your Kabbalah otherwise you might end up wearing the dunce yarmulke.
12. Gilligan’s Clavicle – The Skipper’s little buddy disappears after going to the hospital to mend a broken collarbone. The hospital said it would be a 3-hour cure. A 3      hour     cure!
13. Perry Mason without Pants – New AI technology undercuts the authoritative arguments of Perry Mason by showing the humorless counselor parading around the courtroom in his boxers and sock garters. The whole premise wears thin until they do the same with his curvy secretary Della Street.
14. William Randolph Hearst Writes His Name in the Snow – To sell more newspapers, the egomaniac newspaper publisher tries to spark a war between Spain and the United States by writing saber-rattling messages in the snow. It’s Yellow Journalism at its worst.
15. Vern & Shirley – An updated reboot. This time Laverne is a transexual. Garry Marshall returns from the grave to direct.
16. Sign Felled – A show about municipal street sign repair featuring a kooky neighbor named Yield, an ex-girlfriend named Merge, a bald friend named George Costanza and a comic named Banksy. Try as the writers did to give the show some meaning, it’s really a show about nothing.
17. Naked and Unpaid – Hookers discuss getting stiffed by their Johns
18. DIY Colorectal Makeover – Membrane linings really pop in this mucousy look at real “interior” decorating. Gastroenterologist all agree, watching this show takes intestinal fortitude. Dr. Simon Colon really shines doing double duty in hosting this show and America’s Got Feces, although he says they’re both, “Sh*t jobs.”
19. My Cephalopod Has a Swell Head – An arrogant whale named Kanye thinks he’s “all that” till a kayak gets stuck in his blowhole. At one point he marries a whale with a really big tail – and that’s no fluke. Closed Captioning recommended since the whales speak only in sonar.
20. Simon & Simone – A reboot of Simon & Simon where Simon has “cut the cord” and is now Simone. Caitlyn Jenner runs the detective agency.
21. I Love Lipids – In this CGI generated reboot, a very chunky Lucy eats all the candy at the chocolate factory. Ricky, now ballooned to 330 lbs., loves her just the same, although he does say she has some, “Splainin’ to do.”
22. Money Laundering and Money Dry Cleaning – Available on the Criminally Tidy Network. The show gives the viewer a little too much information on methods of getting blood stains out of currency. In the pilot, Bruno’s unattended little daughter Sophie accidentally eats a Tide pod. Bruno takes his vengeance by putting a contract out on both Proctor & Gamble.
23. Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program – After singing like canaries, stool pigeons must enter a witness protection aviary. What better place to blend in, than in a Jehovah community where everyone is already a witness.
24. Seventh Day Adventist Sing Eight Days a Week – Thrill to the cognitive dissonance when Seventh Day Adventists Caleb and Bathsheba try to sing Eight Days a Week. This show is a spinoff of The Fifth Dimension Plays 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
25. Third Trimester Adventist – Pregnant Adventists try to cope with an ever-darkening Linea Nigra late in their pregnancy.
26. Hi Gene – It’s the dirty story of a dirty man. One look at him will have you shouting, “Hygiene…for Christ’s sake.”
27. Obituaries of People Who Died a Timely Death – No untimely deaths in this punctilious show. This reality show celebrates the deaths of people who died an altogether proper and timely death, after a short and painless illness. Nobody lingers or has “good days and bad days.” Nope. Instead, your aged body becomes obsolete faster than tailfins on a Cadillac and then you’re off to see the wizard. This show has somehow managed to make death attractive and cool. Mortuary school applications are up 44%. The show is hosted by former Spice Girl, Hospice.
28. The Real Dental Hygienists of Orange County – The sexy underbelly of dentistry is penetrated as cavities are filled, implants are inserted and patients give their eye teeth for just a moment of ecstasy. Well-endowed hygienists get right in their patients faces for really close-up cleanings, and let them play motorboat in the cleavage of their scrubs. One watch of this steamy show and you’ll start to doubt whether enamel really is the hardest substance in the body.                                  Show Notes: A plaque on the wall shows plaque on the teeth. Hygienist Carrie discusses caries. The on-set Breath Mint Coordinator is a Greek named Halitosis. Disbelieving patients say their cavities are pulp fiction. The calculus is that this show is probably a bridge too far, although the rinse and spit scenes are truly cathartic. In S2 E3 there’s a mix-up at the office when Kyra goes in for a simple teeth bleaching and leaves with her anus white as a ghost.
29. 30 Minutes – A budget version of 60 Minutes. There may not be enough hours in the day, but there certainly aren’t enough minutes in 30 Minutes.
30. Talkin’ Studebakers and Mumbly Peg – You’d think these two wildly divergent topics would not be entertaining – one hasn’t been manufactured since 1966 and the other a stupid juvenile delinquent knife game – and you’d be right. But one has to remember it’s a spin-off of the wildly popular Vivisections of Jack Webb’s Pancreas. Hosted by Joe Rogan’s nephew, Bile.
31. Note: Sneaking this in to see who my friends really are, if you would please post on my wall Woodrow Wilson’s 14-Point Peace Plan with the comment, “I have always tried to wear pants,” then (and only then) can I call you my friend.
32. A Face Only a Prostitute Could Love – Boris Maliface did not get in line when they passed out good looks. He nonetheless parlays his facial misfortune into a highly successful radio career. And when people want their watches stopped, he is asked to look at them.
33. The Guy Who Keeps Saying, “Y’know 1820 wasn’t that long ago.” – A niche show for people on the spectrum (way on the spectrum) who delight in time banditry
34. Dance Like No One’s Watching – And no one was watching. But unfortunately, cameras were watching and we all get to see what a spaz you are. A cameo by Seinfeld’s Elaine character puts everyone at ease.
35. Shakers-n-Quakers-n-Bears, Oh My! – Austere religions go proselytizing in the land of Oz. A church lands on a wicked preacher and yada, yada, yada eventually they discover they were home the whole time.
36. A History of Back Up Lights – Before the advent of the telltale beep, beep, beep, this was the only way to know a vehicle was traveling backwards. Fittingly the show is run in reverse.
37. The Mostly Reformed Church of Generally Unrepentant Moravians – Drier than a thousand desiccant packs, this is the kind of vanity show that is made when Moravian tycoon Uriah Jubilee dies and leaves his entire fortune to the Moravian AV Club.
38. No Really, Your Buck Teeth Make You Look Even Prettier – A scheming grifter tries to appeal to an heiress’s vanity. She’s on to him though. So she demands he form a friendship with singer Art Garfunkel. When he asks her why, the domineering heiress icily responds, “Simon says, form a friendship with Art Garfunkel.”
39. Vanilla Sex– A very mainstream show. People just can’t seem to get enough of Vanilla Sex. For example, at watch parties, traditional viewers watch the show in the missionary position. Passionless love scenes had the show’s Intimacy Coordinators encouraging the actors to be a little less Vanilla and little more Rocky Road.
40. If You’re Experiencing a Medical Emergency, Please Hang Up and Dial 911 – In this game show a panel of medical professionals must determine if a contestant is really sick, or just a Munchausen Syndrome addict seeking attention.
41. OMGs – filled with Emojis and acronyms, Snickers really satisfies (yes, I’m starting to lose it here, not that the rest of this list is exactly cogent).

 

Thank You for your attention to this mostly humorous analgesic. If you didn’t experience temporary pain relief from life’s travails, please do not hesitate to return it all to Costco for a full refund.

 

 

 

 

Author’s Cut. Edited Out:

 

• Thinking Outside the Box: You’re Just in a Bigger Box Because You’re Still Thinking – Turns out thinking is limited and concepts aren’t where it’s at, and that boundless, ineffable experience is our natural state…sponsored by Nvidia
• Please Listen Carefully, As Some of Our Options Have Changed – Married for 45 years, hilarity ensues when Sadie shocks Milton with some of the new things she wants to do to spice-up their sex life. You’ll laugh till you plotz.

 

 

1. 

   The National Holiday we don’t get a day of for (beautiful grammar there). 

   National Anthem sung by William Shatner

2. Halftime reenactment of Washington crossing the Delaware
3. Bring a smelt. Get a smelt. (Up to 5)
4. Knack tribute band performs “My Sharona”
5. Clothing Optional seating area
6. Larry Csonka moustache shave for charity
7. Goal Posts 3 feet wide
8. YouTube clip of Lucy lighting her nose on fire
9. Between 1^st and 2^nd quarter, fans to participate in 10-minute hymnal of “Bringing in the Sheaves”

HALFTIME

1. Helium rich environment so QB cadences sound like Mickey Mouse
2. Competitive Pork Rind (pigskin) eating contest
3. Smoking allowed for a change
4. Hologram of Pete Rozelle trying to pronounce name of Panthers RB Tshiminga Biakabutuka
5. Tom Cruise rappels down from scoreboard
6. Kim Kardashian’s Big Ass slide show
7. All private boxes open to the public
8. Pet friendly event
9. First 3000 fans get an above ground pool

Oh, I could go on and on. I already have.

My buddy Franco is not elderly. Norman Lear was elderly. Franco is ancient. He’s older than dirt – literally. He’s so old he still suffers from hearing loss from standing too close to the original Big Bang. But more noteworthy is that he’s the only person with 24 pairs of chromosomes (instead of the usual 23) – a genetic mutation caused by a very tempting apple his mother Eve probably shouldn’t have eaten. Well, she was warned, but that’s another story.

And on the genes of that 24^th chromosome were pristine DNA strands that prevented Franco’s bodily tissues from ever aging; so he’s never gotten old. He’s like one big stem cell. In fact, when he submitted his saliva for genetic testing to 23 and Me, the findings revealed he was related to everyone, everywhere, all at once. As a result, he’s the answer to the question: Who’s your daddy?

Not one to let the rich premise of a preposterous story escape my clutches, I decided to ask Franco about his many and varied experiences, lo these many epochs. And he enthusiastically shared with me great and colorful historical anecdotes I’ve highlighted below:

 

Franco is So Ancient That…

1. He rented the last room at the Bethlehem Inn on Dec. 24^th, forcing Mary & Joseph to camp out in the manger
2. Franco had a platonic relationship…with Plato.
3. His favorite soup? ­– Primordial
4. He came to America via the Siberian-Alaskan land bridge (that is, once he got his Bering Strait)
5. He used to call Methuselah “Junior”
6. When a young Alfred Nobel won a church raffle in Sweden, it was Pastor Franco who presented him with the first ever Nobel Prize
7. At different times of his life, he’s eaten various alphabet soups teeming with cuneiform, Cyrillic or English letters. He didn’t care much for the Egyptian hieroglyph soup – “too many ankhs, not enough ibises.”
8. It was Franco’s idea to humanize his tribal leader Atilla by nicknaming him “the Hun”
9. Same thing with Vlad. When the murderous tyrant wanted to instill even greater fear in his perceived enemies, it was the fertile mind of Franco who came up with “The Impaler.” And it stuck, so to speak.
10. In addition to his platonic relationship with Plato, he had a tactile relationship with Play-Doh. Oh, how he loves his homonyms.

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1. 

   I have a sponge on my head …and I’m happy to see you.

   Service Mermaid – Upside: They always laugh when you say, “There’s something fishy about you.” Downside: They tend to flop around a lot on the couch.

2. Service Beaver – Be careful. There are 2 kinds. One has a much sought-after pelt, and the other one builds dams.
3. Service Psoriasis – At first you’ll resist them. But eventually they’ll get under your skin.
4. Service Giraffe – It’s true they can adjust a roof antenna, but you need a scissors jack just to put a collar on them
5. Service E. coli – Problem is, you bring one home and an hour later you’ve got 10 million mouths to feed. And PetSmart charges a fortune for a bag of E. Coli Chow. And don’t forget E. Coli Puppy Chow (till he’s full grown).
6. Service Grinch – ♫He’s a mean one. Service Grinch. He’s got garlic in his soul. He’s as cuddly as a cactus. He will find new ways to tax us. Service GRRRRinch! ♫
7. Service Dogs Named Pavlov – They’re very well-trained but they have one drawback – they drool all over the floor
8. Service Hyena – Upside: They’ll laugh at anything. Downside: If the least bit hungry, they’ll often rip out their owner’s carotid artery.
9. Service Monkey – Although a sympathetic primate, they tend to throw feces at inappropriate moments. Not that there’s an appropriate moment to throw feces, but you get the point.
10. Service Dust Bunny – Upside: Low maintenance. Downside: One sneeze and it’s $900 down the drain.
11. Service Gnats – A word of caution: They’re not much in the way of comfort and they usually vanish by getting accidentally inhaled

1. He pronounces the “b” in dumb
2. He looks at the end of your finger when you point
3. He pronounces the “L” in Christmas even though there is no “L” in Christmas. I mean there is Noel in Christmas, it’s just that there’s no “L” in Christmas.
4. He thought the Bureau of Veterans’ Affairs was created to help servicemen cheat on their spouses.
5. He thinks the Surgeon General overreached when he warned against smoking cigarettes. He believes there’s no way cigarettes could cause all that coffin.
6. That sometimes he was, just whistlin’ Dixie
7. He thinks that if you press the Ctrl+Alt+Undo buttons, Microsoft Word will remove the last 10 minutes of your life
8. He adopted an all-office supply diet; where paper clips and sticky-notes were his staples
9. He spends time devising lists about imaginary dumb people. Hey, wait a minute…

1. If I Swallow Him Whole, Can My Teacup Chihuahua Survive a Trip Through My Intestines? – Find Out the Surprising Answer.
2. I Wish My Deaf Friends Would Believe Me When I Say It’s Good to Hear from Them.
3. I’ve Stuck My Tongue to a Frozen Pole. Should I Just Go About My Business? – Discover the Surprising Answer.
4. They Say You Sound Just Like an Owl. “Who?”
5. Should I Worry About the Tinsel in My Stool? – Find Out the Surprising Answer.
6. Can You Breathe Easy Now That You’re a Lung Donor? – Find Out the Inspiring Answer.
7. Mike Pence has Asked Your Wife to Lunch. Should You Worry?
8. An Alderman has Parked a Bulldozer on your Foot. Should You Say Something? Find Out the Surprising Answer.
9. So You’re Starting to Think Maybe Hitler had a Point. Should You kill Yourself? – “Yup!”
10. We Taste Test the New Embalming Fluids. Find out What Body Part They Made Stiff.
11. Does Peppermint Bark Come from Trees? Find Out the Surprising Answer.

Whatever You Do Don’t Tell Anyone, But I’m Beginning to Think that the Only Conspiracy, is that There’s No Conspiracy.

.

And Finally.

Allow me to quote little dogs everywhere when I say to you:

“Yappy New Year. Yappy, Yappy New Year Everybody, Everywhere.”

.

Instances of Corporate Downsizing Due to Budgetary Constraints

1. The Acme Toupee Company, will now cover only 60% of your bald spot – Talk about pulling the rug out from under you!
2. Instead of providing “temporary relief of minor pain,” Tylenol now offers only “possible relief of fleeting discomfort”
3. Due to cuts in the Cutting Department, Southwest Airlines is no longer providing the “starter tear” on their airborne snack pretzels. “Fliers can use their teeth if they want to tear into their free lunch,” explained Southwest CFO Phillip Dingleberry. “This will save us .0004¢ per package and about $800K in workmen’s compensation claims.”
4. The non-binary community has requested the Nabisco Co. to make their Cheez-Its even less specific. Henceforth they’d like them to be called Cheez-Thems.
5. Due to supply chain issues, Nestlé’s $100,000 Bars have been downsized to $36,782 Bars
6. To reflect a budget shortfall and the consequent reduction of its amiability factor, Friendly Ice Cream is changing its name to Cordial Ice Cream. “It’s just where we’re at right now,” said its once ebullient, but now stoic CEO Cale Griswold. “When we regain our sociable mojo, we might become Friendly Ice Cream again. Till then all we can manage is to be Cordial.”
7. The Good Humor Man is now known as That Mildly Amusing Guy
8. As its business prospects have narrowed, General Motors has renamed itself Highly Specific Motors.
9. Coke Zero is now so unpopular, it’s known as Coke -3
10. Some streaming services are now barely dripping
11. As an aside: Have you ever noticed, that except for us, everyone else is so stupid?
12. Tide Detergent used to be advertised as “New & Improved.” Now it’s blandly soft-sold as being “Recent & Identical”
13. Ben & Jerry’s has shortened their name and tagline to: “BJs Really Satisfy”

.

Poverty Stricken Exotic Bird Dealers Lament

1. We were poor. We couldn’t afford a toucan. We could only afford a onecan. Heck, my uncle can only afford a pecan.
Architecturally Destitute Home Buyers Lament
2. We couldn’t afford a Tudor. So we bought a Onedoor.
Poor Impatient Persons Lament
3. I can’t afford to wait for a second – only for a nanosecond. I guess time really is money.

.

Other Things People Can’t Afford

1. Penny pinching opera mavens can no longer afford The Three Penny Opera. So they switched to The Two Penny Opera with fewer arias. No one seems to mind.
2. Military strategists couldn’t afford to fortify their position, so they shoddily threetified them
3. A car buyer in Waterford couldn’t afford a Ford, so he bought a Third
4. A car buyer in Norway couldn’t affjord a Fjord, so he bought a Thjird
5. Cindy Crawford couldn’t afford plastic surgery, so she kept her pigtails really, really tight

.

Piss Poor – This is an actual state of penury whereby one was so poor they were reduced to selling their urine to a tanner, who could productively use the fluid in processing hides. True.

.

Malnutrition in Mendicants
1. They couldn’t afford Hamburger Helper. They could only afford Helper
2. Still others couldn’t afford Helper. They could only afford to listen to the Beatles Help!
3. The natives lacked food. They referred to their diet as a die it
4. I don’t want to say they were poor. Let’s just call them resourceful. I mean they had a cookbook of cuticle recipes

.

And that’s my poor attempt at enriching the world with humor. I mean to be the good humor man, but sometimes I’m just that mildly amusing guy.

 

The Rejected Bits

1. Head & Shoulders now advises shampooers to just: Rinse and Repeat. They’re skipping the lather instruction altogether because their bottles don’t contain any shampoo.
2. Hard times for brothels. Because too many prostitutes have been getting stiffed (so to speak), they’re no longer willing to go all the way. Instead, they’ll get you half-off.
3. The once formidable 3M Company has been reduced to the 2m Company

1. The Museum of Things that Look Much Better from a Distance – A place for 2^nd rate art that shouldn’t be looked at too closely
2. The Museum of Silverware That’s Been Accidentally Scarred in a Garbage Disposal – The telltale marks on this battle-weary silverware are both savage and beautiful. Some are arranged in neat trays, while others are starkly scattered on butcher block tables.
3. House of Melted Wax Museum – See big buckets of melted wax that could’ve been a famous person if it was hardened properly. Much like radio did, this museum forces you to use your imagination to envision Beyonce in a 10-gal pail of beige wax.
4. Museum of Uninterpretable Objects – It’s all there. Chicken wire nailed to a cross. A ceramic cat giving birth to porcelain kittens. An endless loop of a man screaming, “Silence!” You’ll leave thinking, “Am I missing something?” And then you’ll realize “Yes, I am missing something – the $65 admission fee.”
5. The Museum of Amnesia – It’s all there. Oh wait. Well, it was all there. Fodor’s Travel Guide raves about the place: “The Museum of Amnesia is an unforgettable experience.”
6. The Museum of Female Butchery – Once thought to be the exclusive domain of males, caring female butchers can make a slaughterhouse a slaughterhome, with a few throw pillows here and a splash of blood there. They bring humor to the profession. Female butchers can be such cut-ups.

Break for a seasonal Egg Nog or just Nog if you’re vegan

7. Museum of Things You’ll Never Be Able to Unsee – Grandma Moses pole dancing, a kangaroo dressed like Truman Capote, a hologram of Tupac Shakur scrapbooking. It’s enough to take the wind out of any one’s sails. Allow 4 hours (just to recover).
8. Museum of What May Be the Severed Tip of Vincent Van Gogh’s Ear – Supposedly found amongst some of his canvasses in 1892, it’s provenance is questionable especially considering the ear is embossed: “Made in Indonesia”
9. The Museum of Negative Space – It fills a great artistic void…with a whole lotta nuthin’. As empty experiences go, it’s one of the most fulfilling. 

Break for a cerebral-cleansing Christmas cookie

10. The Museum of the Other Side – This museum dedicates itself to what the backs, bottom and other sides of artworks look like. See Mona Lisa from behind with her barely discernible curls delicately playing on her raven hair. Witness Warhol’s Soup Cans from the bottom where you can see their expiration dates. And ogle Whistler’s Mother’s other profile.
11. The Museum of One Million Desiccated Packets – It is highly advised you moisturize before going. It’s a very unemotional museum. There’s always a dry eye in the house.
12. Museum of Orphaned Unicorns – It’s very difficult to locate. Many believe it’s, somewhere over the rainbow.

Break for a drink. “What can I get started for you?”

13. The Museum of Modern Contemporary Nowness – This museum is fabulously current. A favorite of the “Be here now” set.
14. The Museum of What Perishable Food Items Look Like After 5 Days in the Sun – It’s all there: Meat, Cheese and Leftovers. For plant positive people there’s a vegan wing.
15. The Museum of What the World Would Be Like if There Weren’t Pumpkins – A deep dive into a pumpkin-less world of Halloween Jack-O-Rutabagas. Come and experience the ubiquity of everything flavored with seasonal Gourd Spice. One visit and you’ll be scared straight. Straight to a nearby pumpkin patch.
16. The Museum of It’s 4 in the Morning and I Can’t Sleep So I’m Making this List – I’m checking it twice. I’m going to find out…

 

The Rejects…They Didn’t Pass the Mustard or pass muster…Now you can witness my creative process/editing

24. The Museum of Unnecessary Differentiation – aka MUD, like all museums this museum displays objects that look different from each other and serve no useful purpose. Surprise!

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