Author Archive

1. I just Googled “goggles.” I Googled goggles and it responded with baby talk.
2. Did you know that a small, attractive manicurist is called a “cuticle?”
3. Least romantic words ever whispered into a lover’s ear: “Oh darling, God has a place for us in the shale of this planet.”
4. 

   Despite evidence to the contrary, this list is not a yawner.

   Is a person who repairs a fender bender a dent-ist?

5. Is a trail marked by bones an osteopath?
6. Are card-iologists skilled at hearts?
7. Did you know Egyptian cancer doctors are known as ankh-ologists?
8. Eco-podiatrists have small carbon footprints
9. If your urologist is my urologist that makes him myologist. What a pisser.
10. A doctor who puts your rectum to sleep is called an anusthesiologist. The pay is good, but the job stinks.
11. Virgins celibate life every day.
12. I’ve learned recently that Crayons are not edible. And thank God they’re non-toxic too.
13. Dumb New Year’s Resolution #1. This year I will drink all my beverages by dipping-in my toothbrush and then sucking it out through the bristles.
14. Palette Cleansing Statement of Certainty: The truth does not require your belief.
15. Breaking: Baby doctor loses her license. But the real question is how did she get one in the first place. I mean she’s only 16 months old. That is one baby doctor.
16. New Spice Girl works with dying patients. Her name: Ho Spice.
17. Botanists who love flowers are petalphiles.
18. Pediatricians who like to cycle are pedalphiles
19. Secretaries who like to file are filephiles
20. Manicurists who like to shape nails are also filephiles
21. People who adore manicurists who like to shape nails are filephilephiles.
22. Stories about foul air and stale odors are must-y reads
23. You can change your name. You can change your lion’s name. But you can’t change your lion’s mane.
24. Breaking: Felt finds new uses in women’s apparel. Women say they never felt this way before. The dark side is that many dresses are felt during fittings. #Handsoff
25. At the Garment Worker’s Bakery these items loom large: Silk Pie, Red Velvet Cake and Lemon Chiffon Pie.
26. Studies reveal that Evil people are unable to stomach Angel Food Cake.
27. You can eat ramen. You can eat your friend’s ramen. But you shouldn’t eat your friend’s crayons – even if they are non-toxic.
28. We screwed up. We thought we were brainstorming. But we were actually barnstorming.
29. In a related story, the National Weather Service has issued a tornado advisory for the Kansas Farm Belt. “Strong cyclonic winds may cause large farm structures to be ripped from their foundations. This may lead to widespread Barnstorming. Judy Garland should take note.”
30. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and he can tell you how many business days it is till that date.
31. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and he can tell you which tree it came from.
32. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and by the end of the night they’re deeply in love.
33. He’s a visionary. You can give him a blind date and by the end of the night she’s seeing again.
34. Parallel Duo-verses? Why do we run counterclockwise on an outdoor track when everything else we do is clockwise? However let us remember, it’s not counterclockwise when you’re looking at it from Hell. In that case you’re running absolutely clockwise. Same thing with pineapple upside-down cakes…or any upside-down cake for that matter (pineapple being the foremost of the upside-down cakes). When you look at these belly-up cakes from Hell, they’re actually right side up. In this rare double-negative case, 2 wrongs do make a right…side up.
35. In Victoria Secret’s book A Brief History of Briefs, chafing becomes an issue for Lady Chatterly’s ombudsman. Eventually an ointment soothes her irritated skin, in a chapter entitled Balm is the Bomb.
36. I’m a firm believer in the 2-party system: one in the morning and one in the evening
37. Sponsored: The culture in Dannon Yogurt fortifies both society and the intestines. However the culture in Greek Yogurt, for no apparent reason, causes one to throw dishes.    

 

1. 

   Nothing to say. Just smiling away.

   My favorite nut is a donut

2. I like compliments, but be careful what you fish for.
3. I’ve got all the thyme in the world. I’ve now cornered the market on that herb. Screw you hedge funds. Any sage advice?
4. I’m more interested in celebrity nail clippings than I care to admit. If science makes it possible, maybe someday we can clone a Paul Giamatti or a James Dean (if we can get permission from his estate). Nailed it!
5. Feb 2nd. Well for some reason I saw your shadow this morning. Looks like another 6 weeks of non sequiturs.
6. I really have nothing to say. No, really. If you stop reading I’ll stop writing.
7. Look away and this whole thing can end. Now. But you won’t, or you can’t. Damn it! I can’t quit you either and yet I still got nuthin’ to say.
8. Oh face it. I’m nothing without you and you can’t turn away from my nothingness. There’s less here than meets the eye and perhaps that’s why it’s so compelling. I’m writing from the other side. I’m not trying to make a case or engage you and you like that. Don’t you? Yeah, your daddy author knows you alright – I feel you pouring over my words with your eyes. I’m onto something here and you’re a breathless witness to it. Oh man. Now we’re on an adventure. I know it. You know it and somewhere the Hallmark Network knows it too. This thing has become, well….a thing.
9. And now I’ve peaked. And I can see the truth. I mean, I’ve peeked and I can see the truth. It’s what you always suspected. It’s just a dream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.
10. Conversely, this. This list is what you’d read if you had nothing to read.
11. I’d say we’ve achieved some significant literary closure here – that is, if I had anything to say at all.

• The first words I hope to hear after I die are: “You have arrived!”
• The last words I want to hear are: “When able make a legal U-turn.”

Back in 1982 AD it never crossed my mind that Dustin Hoffman would one day become a Hollywood relic. At that time he was a mercurial Hollywood mega-talent of the highest order – a chameleonic actor who lent off-beat certitude to the myriad characters he embodied. Tootsie had just been released and his body of work prior to that had been fascinatingly varied and searingly memorable. But alas, I must report, he has at long last become an appreciated, but mostly forgotten relic. An 83-year-old amulet of a bygone era when box office stars could carry a movie – when you’d go to the cinema to see the actor and not necessarily the movie. That he has recently been dogged by sexual harassment claims further tarnishes his evaporating status.

 

Life is so fleeting. One minute you’re delicately trimming your debonair moustache because she likes it neat and tidy, and in the next instance you’re trimming crab grass from your ears because you’re beginning to look like you should be institutionalized. Things change. Sorry Dusty, few are still interested in stories about how during casting calls for Kramer vs Kramer you found chemistry with the adolescent actor who won the part of the little kid (“And then I knew…That’s my guy?”). People little note the happenstance of the gritty, unrehearsed “I’m walkin’ here” street scene from Midnight Cowboy. Like so much celebrity stardust it positively fades into generational obscurity. It’s done. It’s over. I’m bereft.

 

Strangely, these behind-the-scenes Hollywood stories are preserved in my memory because when I first heard them I thought these anecdotal celebrity tales meant something special and, for whatever reason, I held them close. Wouldn’t they last forever as part of the national memory? Is there even a national repository where such memories are archived? The point is, celebrity anecdotes like these were searingly memorable to me. They were definitive Tinseltown accounts on how somebody got a part, or on how a famous scene evolved, and they were forever preserved in my mental amber. This informed my world and allowed me what I thought was a sure, swift purchase on the prevailing cultural zeitgeist. I wasn’t wrong then, but 40 years hence I think I’m wrong now.

 

At the risk of sounding too profound, let me just say: the only permanent thing in life is change. And now that I’ve reread that last sentence, I don’t think I ever had to worry about sounding “too profound” …or even “profound” at all. If you’re not a little profound you’re actually lost. Which is where I go to find my deepest profundity – to the Lost and Profound Dept. Anyway this whole “Dustin Hoffman is a relic” thing is more my problem than his. After all, he got to be Dustin Hoffman while I just watched.

And now Billy Crystal and has gotten old – and without anyone’s permission. As of this writing he’s 71 and counting. His relevancy has ebbed. He deserves better. We deserve better. Crystal hosted the Academy Awards 9 times. For me he was the definitive host – a little majesty mixed with unexpected, spot-on humor. It’s true.  When he finished an Academy Awards show there were spots on everything (maybe I should leave the humor to him). The SNL “You Rook Mah-velous” schtick was a timeless comedic landmark. Hell, Billie Holliday babysat him and Lew Alcindor and Cassius Clay were his friends (am I dating myself?). Time stops for no man, but it is kind enough to slow down if you’re passing a kidney stone or waiting to give a speech. And while time stops for no man, GameStop’s for no hedge fund.

And don’t get me started on our 75-year-old national treasure: Mr. Steve Martin. You want a stable genius? – thy name is Steve Martin. His protean artistic skills are enviable. And even though he’s not yet going quietly into that dark night, I don’t even want there to be a dark night for him to go into. It would be best if there were no dark nights for Steve…or even for Heath Ledger. And anyway, by definition aren’t all nights dark? And double anyway, I think the Dylan Thomas quote is “Do not go quietly into that good night.” Dark night, good night. I feel so impotent. I wonder if women ever feel impotent. Well that’s another story. Anyway, I love me some Steve. After getting his COVID vaccination he tweeted: “The good news is I got my COVID shot. The bad news is I got it because I’m 75.” Don’t go Steve. Not into any night. Move towards the light and banish the darkness by saying, “Goodnight good night.”

 

1. 

   It’s only make believe if you think it is. Achtung Baby!

   Duh. Spend as much time as possible watching Hogan’s Heroes. There is no viable alternative. Achtung Baby!

2. Sleeping. Napping. Sleeping some more. And then hibernating. In between go on “Pajama Week” binges in my new pillow top bed.
3. Obey the folksy surety of Tom Selleck and get reverse mortgages on everything I own. Make Magnum Great Again.
4. Pretend to be spending more time with my family, when I’m really spending all my reverse mortgage money at the Indian casino
5. Visit car dealerships and do crossword puzzles in the backseat of a nifty showroom model, until they call security
6. On second thought, not to spend most of my time watching Hogan’s Heroes, but to spend all of my time watching Hogan’s Heroes. The prisoners running the Camp?…crazy man.
7. Visit the graves of Ben Matlock, Perry Mason and Colombo
8. Start peppering my vocabulary with age-appropriate words like spry, good days and bad days, tinkering, guff, puttering, early bird specials and back in the day
9. Obey Joe Namath and buy Supplemental Medicare Insurance for Part B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I-P and Z. Make Broadway Joe Great Again
10. Forget what I said before. I look forward to moving into the light and irrevocably crossing over into a Hogan’s Heroes Heaven where everything goes right because nothing can go wrong.

Dismissed.

While this startling discovery was not as crown-shattering as that of King Richard III’s bashed skull found beneath a Leicester parking lot in 2012, the unearthing of 23-year-old Mrs. Prudence Goodheart’s diary during excavations at a London Underground Station has antiquarians salivating in their spittoons. Written on durable vellum, the well-preserved journal was found buried in a sealed chamber pot at Charing Cross Station. The diary dates from 1600 and brims with keen insights into the grimy life and murky times of ante incendium London (before the Great Fire of London in 1665). I’ve taken the liberty of translating the journal from Ye Olde English into Ye New English and its archaic syntax has been updated to make it more readable. For example, Prudence’s antiquated entry of June 15^th “With thine own beef I do reject thee” has been modernized to read “I think we should see other people.”

 

Mrs. Goodheart’s fascinating catalogue of ancient events arouses the imagination and plucks the mystic chords of memory as we survey her clogs-on-the-ground account of London’s early 17^th century life. Those souls consigned to that period had to live this life. We pampered readers 400 years hence are privy to it like a fly on the wall; or perhaps more time-appropriately, like a louse on the scalp. The diary’s unique window on this hoary world animates the sights, smells and customs of the Olde World in ways that make one appreciate the abundant privilege of this age. With its unburnished, firsthand accounts, the journal captures the zeitgeist of the period. It then releases this zeitgeist on its own recognizance and parades it around for everyone to see and enjoy. Who doesn’t love a parade?

 

Do we identify with these historic events through some kind of morphic resonance drawn from the collective unconscious? Or is our interest more prosaic – a simple curiosity in old timey affairs told in the first person? The main take away at this point is that you’re still reading this. And if you continue we will commence on a profitable frolic where I do the driving and you can sit comfortably in the passenger seat, drinking in the countryside and whatever hipster beverage is in your stainless-steel hydration flask. So buckle up and enjoy history’s histrionics. And remember, with me doing the driving, there’ll be one extra air bag in the vehicle.  Read the rest of this entry »

1. 50 Shades of Windows: The X-Rated Microsoft Office Story
2. You Wouldn’t Know a Left Hook if It Hit You in the Face…and other Non-Sequiturs
3. “You are what your record says you are”: The Collected Wisdom of Coach William Parcells
4. Servant Gossip: How Laundry Hampers Hamper Help from Airing Their Dirty Laundry
5. The Sequel to “How the States Got Their Shape” entitled “How William ‘Refrigerator’ Perry Got His Shape”
6. They’re There to Bother You: Why the Prongs on a Plug are of Different Widths
7. They’re There to Bother Ewes: Why Rams Exist
8. Brilliant Insights That Will Completely Change Your Life…for About a Day and a Half, Then It’s Back to the Same Old Grind
10. Never Leave #9 Blank, and Other Perilous Omissions
11. How Can a 90° Angle be So Right When It Feels So Wrong?
12. Say Yes to the Dress: How Can a Sarong Fit So Tight When It Feels Sarong?
13. Orville and Wilbur Were Never Wrong Because They Were Always Wright
14. “I know how a thermostat works”: Lies You Tell Your Wife when you wake Up and Its 83° in the Bedroom
15. “I know what a right angle is”: Lies You Tell Your Math Professor when he Measures Your Right Angle and Its 83°
16. I Never Watch Wheel of Fortune, Eat at McDonalds or Suck the Tip Off a Can of Whipped Cream After I Use It and Other Things I Lie About
17. If the Fact That We’re All Going to Die, Lose Everything and Not Know Where We’re Going Afterwards Doesn’t Bother You, Then OK, I’ll Play Along and Not Panic Either: On Succumbing to the Peer Pressure of Healthy Coping Mechanisms
18. I Don’t Care Who Matthew Broderick Thinks He Is, He’ll Always be Ferris Bueller to Me
19. I Know I Shouldn’t Judge, But My God, You’re Just So Stupid
20. All That Glitters is Not Gold: But It Might Be, So You’d Better Pursue It Just in Case

1. Whenever I listen to Stairway to Heaven it makes me wonder. It really makes me wonder.

2. If I knew I was unconscious, would I still be unconscious?

3. Whenever I see a tumbleweed skittering across the highway, it looks like Aunt Bee tumbling by and crying out, “Oh Andy! Andy! Do something!”

4. What if the alphabet contained only the letters h, k, m, n, s, u and t? Mks u thnk

5. Is it me or have we all passed through a membrane or something?

6. 

   The Ayes have it.

   Am I the only one who freaks out because a halibut has both eyes on the same side of its face – kinda like Marty Feldman did? This should not go unexamined. I’m not saying it should be the first thing out of your mouth when you meet someone, but maybe the third thing. You could just kind of ease into it like this: “Nice to meet you too Frank. You’re right, it is kinda warm today. And are you as concerned as I am about halibuts’ eyes being on one side of their face? I mean if it can happen to them, it can happen to us. Right? All it takes is for good men to do nothing and the next thing you know our eyes are stacked one beneath the other. And why? – Just for the halibut.”

7. I must admit…there’s a feeling I get. When I look to the West. Anyway, it really makes me wonder

8. My friend Josiah is an old soul and I think his past lives get in the way? He still refers to the Hawaiian Islands as the Sandwich Islands. He calls Istanbul, Constantinople. He calls fish, trilobites and refers to women as chattel – ouch. Sometimes he even says “non-coalesced interstellar stuff” when he’s talking about earth. Josiah is one old soul. Maybe that’s why he lives in a sod house dugout. Oddly enough, he’s never cut the cord; but only because he never had cable in the first place. That said, I do appreciate the convenient touches in his house – spittoons, boot scrapers and handy chamber pots everywhere. He even has a delivery room for expectant mothers. Well, actually it’s a manger, but these mangers have a history of birthing some very enlightened babies.

9. I once heard a nerd order at a lunch counter the following: “I’d like a hamburger sandwich please. And some potatoes cooked in the French style. And may I request 2 packets of Fancy Catsup for use as a dipping sauce. Additionally, my fountain drink of choice is a sparkling Coca-Cola phosphate. Now for dessert, please provide me 2 Oreo Crème Sandwich cookies.” To which the waitress replies, “OK. Burger, fries, cookie and a Coke. That’ll be $7.50. And no, we don’t accept Bitcoin?”

10. Am I the only one who notices that in certain Seinfeld reruns, sometimes the characters do completely different things than they did in the original show? Like the show where everyone marvels at what an excellent dancer Elaine is or the where all 4 remain the masters of their domains. Maybe I’m living in some kind of alternative universe? But alternative to what? Kinda mks u thnk

11. Why is a washing machine that cleans clothes called a “washer” but a washing machine that cleans dishes is called a “dishwasher?” Dryer vs. hair dryer – same thing. Wasn’t this observation in a Seinfeld episode? It really makes me wonder.

12. I believe that every time you accidentally hit the print screen key, an angel gets its wings (providing they’d just ordered some from Applebee’s). However, if you accidentally hit the F8 key, well that’s just Fate (F8).

13. I wonder if Leonardo DaVinci felt any irony when he ate his last supper. Then again he’d only realize it was his last supper after the fact – and then his last supper would probably be more surprising than it was ironic. And no one even talks about his mother Mona DaVinci and his mistress Lisa Cacciatore whom he mashed-up in his famous painting the Mona Lisa. Their eyes were perfectly situated on either side of their noses, but that wry smile – that’s Lenny laughing at us. And I’ve heard tale that when the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel was painted DaVinci was naked the entire time. And what makes this even stranger is that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel. It’s just that reports indicate that while Michelangelo was painting it in Rome, DaVinci was butt naked in Florence. Mks u thnk. And maybe…makes you wonder.

14. I wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio feels any sense of foreboding when he’s eating supper…“Could this be Leonardo’s last supper?”

15. I wonder if dogs know how much we appreciate the unconditional love they give.

16. One time a plastic grocery bag tumbled by me and I swore I could hear it cry, “Andy! Do something.”

17. I wonder if I’ve ever inhaled an oxygen atom once breathed by Jesus Christ…or even his brother, Angus H Christ. I mean as if Jesus’s blood and body aren’t enough, now we have to have his breath too? This is really going to complicate communion. Anyway I’m sure I’ve inhaled some atoms from King Louis the 16^th because I’m always losing my head.

18. I wonder if Muhammad Ali will be remastered and reissued in a boxed set?

19. I don’t think I could ever eat at a restaurant called “The Honey Bucket.” In their ads, they claimed that every time you eat at a Honey Bucket, a janitor gets its mop.

20. Some of my favorite gaze: 1. Looking to the West 2. Staring at a candle while in deep meditation and 3. Leonardo DaVinci. It’s true.

 

21. The truth is true no matter what we believe. But still…it really makes me wonder.

Orphans Ask to Meet Their Maker

Orphans residing at the Sweet Charity Home for Orphans asked their home’s director if they could meet their maker. After clearing several legal hurdles the children were reunited with their birth parents. “Don’t get me wrong,” remarked little Fletcher, “Meeting our parents is great and everything, but we were really hoping to meet God.”

Director Grenholm apologized for the semantic mix up.

In a related story

Cookies Meet Their Maker and It Doesn’t Go Well

In an unexpected reuniting of bakers and their cookies, a package of Nabisco Chips Ahoy! cookies finally got to meet their maker – in more ways than one. They came away both disappointed and disappeared. The cookies met with their baker makers, but the meeting lasted only 10 minutes; or just enough time for the workers to tear open the package and devour every last one of them right there in the employee break room. In the span of 10 short minutes they got to meet their makers as well as meeting their maker.

Shift Manager Grenholm (no relation) apologized for the semantic mix-up.

Prisoners’ Escape Plot Thwarted

Convicts serving 10 in Leavenworth were stymied in their latest escape attempt when co-conspirators could only provide them with the wire cutters, and not the ladder they requested. In other words they gave them the former, but not the latter.

Warden Grenholm (possibly related) was grateful for the semantic mix-up.

Skittles Demand to Meet Their Maker

Skittles fruit candies expressed a strong desire to meet the guy who makes them. When the guy phoned to say, “I can’t” they protested, “Awww c’mon. The Candy Man Can. The Candy Man Can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.”

BTW, in England, Skittles are known as Grenholms. Read the rest of this entry »