Author Archive

1. Aging porn stars starting to show cracks. Starting? What else is new?
2. What happens if President Trump is unable to govern? A. How will we know the difference.
3. In my drawers there’s a shorts story entitled: A Brief History of Briefs
4. I’m a great believer in the 2-party system: one in the morning and one in the evening.
5. Deathbed Encouragement I: Jesse Jackson to Bob Hope: “Keep hope alive. We must keep hope alive.
6. Deathbed Encouragement II: Steven Tyler to his daughter Liv Tyler. “Live, Liv. Live.”
7. Deathbed Encouragement III: Matthew McConaughey comforting a hospice patient, “Well alright, alright, alright.”
8. Amazon Savant: You can give him any date and he can tell you how many business days it is from today.
9. What’s the difference between brainstorming and barnstorming? There’s no “I” in barnstorming. Incidentally, there is no eye in blind either.
10. Jesus’ Brother Reexamined

         Cheesus Christ – The true dairy Savior and the Patron Saint of lost cheese

11. I divide the world in to 2 groups. The blindly ignorant who unshakably believe what they know. And the regular ignorant, who are just trying truths on for size and cling to nothing. For example, my articles of faith have been through several reprints.
12. Lioness’s lonely niece links loneliness to lessons learned.
13. Lament of the Ignorant: Nothing is as fun as I used to think it was
14. I’m going off the reservation now and decamping to virtual reality. I think this whole list is starting to show cracks. Butt what of it?

 

1. Keep your friends close and your enemas closer
2. Better late than pregnant
3. Damn the torpedoes, and get me some scratch-offs
4. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for persimmons
5. Some curse the darkness. Others light a fart.
6. John Waters runs deep
   

   One good David deserves an audience.

7. God helps those who wash behind their ears
8. I’m only moderately clean – I’m just Spic
9. If I said you looked like something that slid of a mud flap, would you hold it against me?
10. I’m only moderately clean – I’m just Span
11. OCD’s Lament: Measure 43 times, cut once.
12. I’m only moderately clean. I’m not next to godliness, but I’m close.
13. Epidermis is only skin deep
14. Blood is redder than water
15. Man doth not live by Ramen alone
16. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy
17. Sometimes you have to fight marshmallows with marshmallows
18. Actually I was just whistlin’ Dixie
19. Cataracts are in the eye of the beholder
20. Cataracts are in the falls of many rivers
21. Cadillacs are in the garages of their owners
22. We have met the enemy; and it’s Gretchen
23. Forgive me, but amnesty is the best policy
24. One good turn deserves a reach around
25. Dove is blind. It’s also ¼ cleansing cream.
26. Actions speak louder than Gilbert Gottfried
27. Funny is the root of all anvils
28. Peeing is believing
29. When in room do as the roomans
30. Absinthe makes the wart grow fungus
31. The Golden Rule. Not amendable. Just practice it and you’ll do fine.

 

Rejected Attempts

• A fishing net is worth a thousand worms
• A day without sunshine is like night
• You are what you toast
• The shortest distance between 2 pimps is a whore
• You’re through buying music…until the next format is invented
• Great minds think
• Haste makes waste and Nabisco makes Oreos
• Tax evasion is the sincerest form of thievery
• You can pick your nose, You can pick your friends, But you can’t carry forth non-depreciable tax items from the previous tax year

Mexican “cuisine” is one simple dish known by 34 different names. It’s some combination of meat, beans and rice shlopped into a tortilla, sprinkled with queso and served on a plate so hot it can melt the bones in your hand. Let me splain some more by analogizing this peasant fare to the Winter Olympics. Mexican cuisine is a lot like the Winter Olympics which purports to be a showcase of winter sports, but is really just an excuse to slide something (pucks, sleds, skates, skis and even rocks) on frozen water in 34 different ways. So just as the Winter Olympics is basically glorified sliding (wheeee!), Mexican food is a simply a glorified rearrangement of meat, beans and rice onto or into a tortilla, sprinkled with queso and served on a scorching plate so hot you’d think it had just been removed from the containment vessel of a nuclear reactor.

What’s in a Name

There are all sorts of designations of burritos. You’ve got your basic burrito, your super burrito (so big that illegal aliens have gotten across the border hidden inside one) and wet burritos (one hopes the wetness does not contain any human DNA). There are even transgendered burritos – where one is never sure which gender the burrito is currently identifying with, until you bite into it and then…Surprise!

There are tacos, taquitos (formerly called dwarf tacos) and tacolas (meat in a cane sugar Coca-Cola sauce). And if you don’t want your dish too spicy that’s no poblano.  

You’ve got your chimichangas, chilaquiles, ching-a-lingas and Chitty-Chitty Bang Bangs. There’s no end to the names for this simple farmer food. But know this: no matter what you order, you’re eating a rearrangement of the same thing – some combination of meat, beans and rice shlopped into or onto a tortilla and sprinkled with queso! You’re just sliding on frozen water while sitting on a tortilla.

All Nachos Are Created Equal

And of course there’s Nachos – just an unorganized pile of chips, beans, cheese and meat. I mean c’mon. They’re not even trying with this one. If you can make a mud pie, you can make nachos. And they come in a wide variety depending on how high and how deep you want it piled: There’s the Nacho Supreme. The Generalissimo Nacho, the Fine Corinthian Leather Nacho and of course the Nacho, Nacho Man. There are even Nacho Diploma Mills in Mexico where you can get a PHD in Nacho making – PHD: Piled Higher and Deeper. In addition to the diploma mills in Mexico, there’s also a Donna Mills in Hollywood whose starlet days have long since passed. But those eyes. Those Donna Mills eyes. She had 2 brothers you know. They were known as the Mills Brothers.

 

The People Want to Know

What’s the difference between a chalupa, a tostada and a gordita? Answer: about $1.20 at Taco Bell.  

When ordering Chile Relleno, always pronounce the 2 “l”s in Relleno – especially if you live in Reno.  

Did you know Enchiladas were the 14^th iteration of the dish till they perfected it? Yup. There was the A chilada, the B chilada, the C chilada until they finally got it right with the N chilada.

Which reminds me of a politically incorrect joke you’ll not be offended by: What do they call Cinco de Mayo in China? – Chinko de Mayo.

Do you wave good bye to wavos rancheros, or do you huev good bye to huevos rancheros? Eggsellent question.

Let us not forget the lowly quesadilla. The grilled cheese of Mexican food. If you can get cheese to melt, you can make a quesadilla. There are 2 kinds of quesadillas: the regular one and the Special Needs Quesadilla. The Special Needs Quesadilla is when you smear a tortilla with Cheez Whiz and microwave it for 20 seconds.

OK there’s fajitas. Wow, they added onions and peppers to the usual suspects. How’d they ever come up with that? Fajitas come on an audibly sizzling plate that has only recently been warming in volcanic magma. Of course, with fajitas, some assembly is required. I mean you have to put the thing together yourself. Hmmm let’s see, what you do is put on your asbestos gloves, and shlopp your meat, beans and rice into a tortilla, sprinkled with queso and serve. And just in queso you run out of queso, there’s cheese.  

Guacamole Is Extra…Funny

The best thing about Mexican food is that they’ve legitimized the word “guacamole.” It’s the only time you’re allowed to say “gwok” or “molay” without getting laughed at. If mashed avocados never existed and you said “gwokamolay” people would think you were a drunken caveman. Think about how many times you’ve been asked, “Would you like gwokamolay.” And you’ve said, “Yes. I want gwokamolay.” You’ve agreed to eat gwokamolay. Anyway I probably shouldn’t do edibles when I write this stuff…but gwokamolay…really?

Flan: An Unfinished Word

I’ll grant you it’s a fine Mexican dessert, but it should rhyme with “plan.” It doesn’t. It rhymes with Juan. Do you realize if Juan wasn’t feeling well he might look wan? I just don’t have a plan for flan? I do not like green eggs and flan. Let me splain, it should be plain that flan should be spelled flane, then it wouldn’t be such a pain.

Enjoy all the Mexican food you want, but remember: the plate may be muis caliente.

 

 

1. Ailing insomniac sick and tired of being sick and tired
2. Pregnant mothers who use Amazon Prime Obstetricians, don’t have to pay the delivery charge
3. Podiatrist fears he’ll be just a footnote in history
4. Cardiologist doesn’t have the heart to finish a transplant. Apparently someone stole the package left outside the operating room door.
5. 

   “Thanks doctor, for taking the stethoscope out of the freezer before using it on me.”

   Deranged woman pursues romance only with Podiatrists. Authorities say she’s a Podophile.

6. Gastroenterologist who lacks intestinal fortitude is as spineless as a cowardly chiropractor
7. Neurologist tells patients it’s all in their head
8. Schizophrenic is at two with nature
9. Eminent doctor loses license for having sex with patients. It’s shame because he was one of the best veterinarians in the state.
10. Esoteric reference: Laugh-In fanatic cannot differentiate between Artie Johnson and Henry Gibson
11. Guy on ventilator sorry he snapped at nurse. Says he was just venting.
12. Psychiatrist who told patient, “It’s all in your head” went to same school as the Neurologist
13. Reference #10: I think Henry Gibson did those poems and Artie Johnson was that German soldier behind the plant.
14. A really good fit? Female Urologist marries male OB/GYN. Families say they’re made for each other.
15. Ophthalmologist lacks focus. Can’t see his way clearly. Unable to read between the lines. Especially the ones with EZCD
16. Dermatologists’ understanding of the human body is only skin deep
17. It Can’t be Explained: Prominent Internist is clearly extroverted
18. Nephrologist puts band-aid on kid’s knee, even though kidneys, and not kids’ knees, are his specialty
19. Anti-Vaxxers who inoculate themselves with falsehoods aren’t immune from criticism
20. Urologist is pissed his confused patient doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going
21. Otolaryngologist doesn’t know what he specializes in. Just tells patients to hydrate.
22. Meaningless Irony: Radiologist loses FM signal on lonely highway. This happened early in the AM.
23. Rheumatologist says mancave is his favorite rheum in the house
24. Grim Reaper has “had it” with 253-year-old procrastinator who keeps putting him off.
25. Homeopath reminds patients, “We’re not gay. It just sounds like we are.” Seinfeld Disclaimer: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
26. Osteopath vows to bone up on humorous…things
27. Death of the Party? – Boring anesthesiologist puts everyone to sleep with his tranquilizing stories
28. Uncredentialed Baby Doctor who says he’s, “this many fingers” old, is taken back to the orphanage
29. This is the last of the “ember” months till next Fall. Try to remember the kind of September, by raking the embers to keep the home fires burning. I’ll be looking for your light.

1. Siamese twins unable to comply with state’s social distancing order. They say the order is creating a lot of unnecessary division.
2. Headless horseman issued waiver to give rides says, “I’m just trying to stay a head of the game.”
3. State Wildlife Agency orders baby possums to be a little less clingy and follow the example of well-behaved baby ducks.
4. Predictably, half of schizophrenics are unable to comply with state’s social distancing order saying, “You know if it was up to me I would, but try telling that to me.”
5. Milton-Bradley to offer new socially distanced Twister played on a half-acre plastic mat.
6. State orders dragstrip closed. All races are now ZOOMing.
7. Survey shows prisoners in solitary confinement were never healthier, happier.
8. All 3-Legged races canceled unless all 3 legs belongs to one person.
9. Guru in India who’s been exhaling for nine months, an “inspiration” to many. A grateful nation says, “We’re all just holding our breath hoping he can continue.”
10. Man in iron lung is nicknamed Rusty. He’s not happy, but recognizes the iron-y.
11. Homemade cranberry sauce is not hard to make and a welcomed addition to any Thanksgiving feast. There is no kid’s table this year. Instead, everyone gets their own table. As a joke, when someone says, “Pass the rolls please,” tell them, “OK, I just had one, it will take me about 24 hours.” And finally, remember: As ye sow, social ye distance.

1. 

   “I can’t come over tonight. I have mono, Polly.”

   Chernobyl Monopoly – Only board game that has a half-life. When parents got wind of this radioactive edition they had a meltdown.

2. Titanic Monopoly – This version was a disaster. (Thanks for groaning)
3. Beatles Monopoly – This one was actually Fab! So many great places to land on: Abbey Road, Penny Lane, Strawberry Fields. Favorite game piece? – You guessed it: the Yellow Submarine.
4. Garden of Eden Monopoly – This version was tempting. Very, very tempting. In the end everyone is thrown out of the Garden just for having a little fun. It made no sense then. It makes no sense now.  
5. BLM Monopoly – Not the BLM you think. This BLM (the Bureau of Land Management) thought it might be fun to supervise federal lands on a Monopoly board. Fail. It was a bored game.
6. NRA Monopoly – Again, not what you think. The other NRA – the National Restaurant Association – created this game, but diners had their reservations about it.
7. Native American Monopoly – People also had their reservations about this game too. Indian reservations. The Indian game pieces were outnumbered by the cavalry game pieces 4 to 1. Game always ends with the Indian pieces being forcibly moved to one little reservation between Indiana and Kentucky Avenues. This left nothing to Chance.
8. Hurricanopoly – This version just blew. And blew and blew and blew.
9. Hooveropoly – Unlike Hurricanopoly, this version sucked
10. Napoleon Blownaparte – This is what happened when Napoleon sat on a bomb? (I know. Not a Monopoly game, but all Monopoly and no Napoleon makes David a dull boy…OK a duller boy)
11. Bibleopoly – Just like the real Bible, the instructions are so domineering (Thou shalt not Pass Go, Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s thimble) that people didn’t like being told how to behave.
12. Palindrome Monopoly – Too unstructured. Players could move forward or backwards. And of course everybody wanted to be the racecar because racecar spelled backwards is still racecar.
13. Eastern Standard Time Monopoly – Creators of this version marketed it with the tagline: “Play Monopoly like it’s whatever time it is in New York City in winter.” Oooh, pinch me. A Greenwich Mean Time Version was no more exciting.
14. Pornopoly – Why did the instructions say Pornopoly should only be played on Wednesdays?
15. Polly-wanna-opoly – This game was for the birds.
16. Homeopathy – Not a board game at all, but a natural healing method of caring for one’s self. And do take the time to care for yourself – everyone. Happy Thanksgiving.

The phrase “I Hope Never To” should be repeated before each entry

1. Hear my doctor say “Don’t worry. It’s the good kind of” anything
2. Get confused when baking a flourless cake in the shape of a flower
3. Hear the captain say, “We’ve all made our peace with the Almighty up here on the flight deck. Probably a good idea if y’all did the same back in the cabin.”
4. Sleep in a barn and wake up a little hoarse
5. Sleep in my bed and wake up next to a horse’s head. (Godfather reference: If you give Johnny Fontaine that part, you’ll never have to worry about this.)
6. See my shadow move differently than I’m moving
8. Leave #7 blank…Damn it! Epic fail. And I was so close. #7 is un-intentionally blank.
9. Ride through the desert on a horse with no name. Or even ride through the desert on a horse whose name I knew, but subsequently forgot. And lastly, to ride through a car wash on a horse whose name I never asked and was never told.
10. Spend time at a petting zoo. Especially as an exhibit.
11. Be so retired that we start going out, not only to Early Bird dinners, but to Early Bird breakfasts – where of course we get the worms
12. Free climb El Capitan – No one has to climb it. And just because it’s “there” isn’t enough of reason. I implore you all to take El Capitan for granite – hard, unforgiving granite.
13. Walk on Hot Coals
14. Walk on Warm Coals
15. Walk into Kohl’s. Why should I? It’s all online.
16. Pick-up roadside trash on weekends in order to satisfy some Community Service obligations I didn’t deserve. Next time I guess I’ll ask permission before I try to free climb Kirstie Alley.
17. Have an air bag go off in a car I’m in (unless, of course, it needs to)
18. Accidentally get a glimpse of the godless lumpy landscape, floating in a sea of bluish hell in a Port-a-Potty waste tank. One errant glance and you’re changed forever. Too many among us suffer silently from PPSD: Post Port-a-Potty Stress Disorder.
19. Write a doctoral thesis contrasting Hunt’s Manwich Sandwich with Sloppy Joe’s. It’s a fool’s errand, like contrasting Mary-Kate from Ashley.
20. See any of my internal organs
21. Visit the warehouses where all the removed Confederate statues are stored
22. Touch the tips of both pinkies while each is in a separate nostril
23. Be assigned a probation officer
24. See Donald Trump naked
25. See Kate Upton clothed
26. Use “winter” or “summer” as a verb (As in: Oh, we winter in Cozumel and summer in Martha’s Vineyard.)
27. Get a call from my probation officer telling me: “My lawn gets mowed once a week and the trash goes out on Tuesday. We can talk about massage latter. Now get crackin’ Hardiman.” And before hanging up he sings: “For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felonnnnnnn. That nobody can deny.”
28. Move so slowly that I get run over by one of those 6-million lb NASA mega-transports while its rolling a rocket out to the launching pad
29. Help my Uncle Jack off a horse
30. Help my Uncle Jack off anything for that matter
31. Use the past as an excuse for current choices
32. Spend less than 10 minutes a day meditating (not thinking or cogitating)
33. Well, you made it this far. Congratulations. Now, post this list on your wall and fill in the blank #7 using the phrase “The Big Secret is there’s no secret.”

1. 

   The picture (of me) doesn’t always have to dovetail with the story. Sometimes a picture is just a picture. 

   We’re not happy about it up here in the cockpit either folks. But sometimes airplanes just run out of fuel.

2. We think it’s best to leave the arrow in till we get to a hospital
3. When’s your due date?
4. I didn’t know it was loaded. Big toes are overrated anyway.
5. Just 24 more reincarnations and you’ll be able to move on to the next level.
6. The good news is that you’re a person of interest. The bad news is that the police are the ones saying it.
7. You’re kinda cute. (if Mike Tyson said it)
8. Don’t worry. I won’t tell anybody you’re an ABBA fan.
9. David honey, the YMCA called. They said your loincloths are in. What’s that all about?
10. Well you did draw the short straw and we have been stranded for 3 weeks.
11. According to 23 and Me you’re not related to anyone in your family.
12. No Mrs. Hardiman, these coffins are soundproof. Even if he was alive you couldn’t hear him.
13. I think the lava flow is gaining on us. Your shoelaces are on fire.
14. OK, now I can tell you. It was 100% elephant placenta.
15. You’re lucky Mr. Hardiman. It’s the “good” kind of sucking chest wound.
16. I didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve got toilet paper on both shoes.
17. You’re kinda cute. (if Mike Pence said it)
18. You got an F- Mr. Hardiman. And it was graded on a curve
19. Well at least you still have the one leg.
20. Your concern is noted. And you’re right, our hot air balloon should be big and puffy. But sometimes hot air balloons just run out of fuel.
21. Peter at the Pearly Gates: If it was up to me you know I’d let you in. But I don’t make those decisions. I’m just a bouncer with wings.

1. 

   Brick and mortar books: More expensive, less convenient and just as satisfying as ebooks, audibles or kindles. Buy them anyway.

   Schizophrenia: Two Views

2. It’s Sheila: On Discovering the Name of the Horse You Rode through the Desert on. Y’know, the One You Thought Had No Name
3. Too Short for the Low-hanging Fruit: The Kevin Hart Story
4. Schoolroom Horror Avoided: My English Teacher Wants Me to Use “Intoxicants,” But Only in a Sentence. Phew!
5. Schoolroom Revelation: It’s Not the School I hate. It’s the Principal of the Thing
6. Why Can’t All Pools Just Be Heated for Christ’s Sake?
7. God’s Broken System of Reincarnation: On Coping with People Who Were Cows or Other Livestock in Their Last Lifetime.
8. Feelin’ Very Caucasian: The Mike Pence Story
9. You Can’t Get There from Here: On Pushing String and Planting Cut Flowers
10. “Ha Ha. Look Everybody. Breana Says She’s This Many Fingers”: Fighting Ageism in Toddlers
11. How My Sister and I Became Attached at the Hip: On Choosing to Become Conjoined Twins
12. Ice Cream Truck Jingles You Never Forget: Sweet Baby Jesus I Beg You, Get Them Out My Head!
13. Epileptic Fit Bit: Least Loved Wheel of Fortune “Before and Afters”
14. The Great American Navel
15. I’m So Dumb and I Don’t Even Know It: Admitting You’re Stupid is the First Step on the Road to Recovery
16. “Van Gogh”: What Babies Say When the Dodge Caravan Drives Away
17. Life: A Preexisting Condition Covered Only by the Sky
18. One Can + One Can = Toucan: The Story of Kellogg’s Froot Loops
19. “Cargo”: What Babies of Federal Express Employees Say When the Dodge Caravan Drives Away
20. Thinner: The David Hardiman Story
21. Thinner: What I Use to Dilute Oil-based Paints
22. Thinner: How People with Lisps Pronounce “sinner”
23. “Escargot”: What French Babies Say When the Dodge Caravan Drives Away

1. No-Ply Toilet Paper – For eco-friendly people with time, and other stuff, on their hands.
2. Rescue Hamsters – Only $1 a dozen. Remember: The difference between a hamster and a gerbil is that a hamster has more dark meat.
3. Sorta Depends – Sorta work for the sorta incontinent
4. One Cheek Fanny Cleaner – Another half-ass product from the Dollar Tree
   

   Stretch your dollar till you pull a legal tendon at the Dollar Tree.

5. Shadow Puppets – So flimsy they don’t even cast shadows
6. Ventriloquist Dummies – Really dumb. Their mouths don’t open. No wonder they only cost a dollar
7. Reconditioned Kleenex – Pre-owned facial tissues for the phlegmishly frugal
8. Plant-based Iguana Filets – For those who cannot afford actual iguana filets
9. Meat-based Plants – Turnabout is fair play. Try the surprisingly affordable Hot Dogwood tree.
10. Sarah Huckabee’s Beauty Mask – Sold in the Halloween section
11. Pumpkin Spice Catheters – Combining everything you don’t like, in something you don’t need, for one low price
12. Bristleless Toothbrush for Denture Wearers – Brush like no one’s watching. At least I hope not.