Author Archive

1. York Peppermint Waldo – Really good candy…if you can find it
2. Almond Mellows – Available at marijuana dispensaries. Simultaneously causes and satisfies the Munchies
3. Reese’s Feces – Ummm, maybe it’s filled with peanut butter, and maybe it’s not
4. Really, Really Hilarious Ranchers – Regular Jolly Ranchers infused with THC
5. Good-n-Linty – Sometimes candy is where you find it
6. Arm Candy – Initially very popular with men, but they soon discovered they just couldn’t afford it
   

   So many cavities. So little time.

7. 2 Musketeers Bar – A low budget 3 Musketeers. No chocolate. Just solid nougat. Sold at the Dollar Store.
8. Almond Sad – Actually an Almond Joy for the clinically depressed
9. Toddler Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out too long
10. Juvenile Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out way too long
11. Floater Ruth’s – Great for emptying pools
12. Twits – Twix for stupid people
13. DITS – Telegraphic sister candy to DOTS. People found the whole Dit-Dot thing too old-fashioned.
14. Sweet Farts – In test markets all agreed: They absolutely stunk.
15. Herschel’s Chocolate – Not from Hershey, but from nearby Bethlehem, PA most found this Semitic chocolate “too Jewish”
16. Bit Bats – A knock-off version of Kit Kats. It’s the first candy bar that bites you.
17. Claire Danes – Maybe a candy, maybe an actress. Bite it and find out.
18. Charleston pre-Chewed – Popular candy in nursing homes where fatigued senior jaws can use a little help
19. $28,000 Bar – A deep discount $100,000 Bar. 72% smaller than the original. Popular with dieters.
20. Clusterf*cks – Too many snafus relegated this problematic candy to the dustbin of history
21. M’s – Rejected M&Ms from the Mars candy factory. Available in Plain and Stupid.
22. Shittles – A don’t ask, don’t tell version of Skittles
23. Goodbar – A stay at home candy that never really caught on
24. Goodbar – This candy bar was very popular early on, but eventually became Mrs. Goodbar and candy eaters began to lose interest,
25. Payday Bar – Discontinued as Paydays kept getting smaller and smaller every year.
26. Bit of Honey – A grammatically corrected version of Bit-O-Honey. Popular at book fairs.
27. Lot-O-Honey – What happens when you remember her birthday. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s called being an artist!)
28. Bitter Honey – What happens when there’s nothing under the tree for wifey. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s still called being an artist!)
29. Honey, Honey – An Early ABBA hit (Still taking artistic license here. OK. Now back to the candy bars)
30. Cracker Jills – A female version of Cracker Jack. Discontinued after a recurrent psychological manufacturing flaw, where they could never get the peanuts to come out of their shells
31. Gummi Dares – Made from bear secretions. I dare you to eat one.
32. Coconut Coated Tootsie Rolls – A Halloween favorite. Especially when you substitute clumped cat litter.
33. Chortles – If you like to Snicker, you’ll love to Chortle. “Chortles really satisfies,” he guffawed.
34. Gecko Wafers – It’s how Necco Wafers are sold in Hawaii. If you leave them out they migrate to the ceiling.
35. Milky Whey – “Not enough curds doomed this well-intentioned candy,” he snickered
36. Butterfinger – Sales really picked up after they finally put the letters “er’ between the “t” and “f”.
37. Duds – Milk Duds that bombed
38. Mentals – Strange substance. If you place a Mental in a Coke bottle, you foam at the ears.
39. 2M – Mathematicians version of M&Ms. Strangely enough 2Ms are made by 3M.
40. Candy Corn – A lot like Fruitcake. People own it. Give it as gifts, but never actually sit down and eat it.
41. Senior Mints – A more mature version of Junior Mints. These geriatric mints enter your mouth and then forget why they went in there in the first place

 

When You Least Expect It

My friend Gary DeBaise and I are bosom buddies in the Norman Rockwell sense of the term. We grew up 2 years and 2 unspectacular houses apart in the solidly middle-class section of Eastwood in Syracuse, NY. We bonded over many shared interests: sports, girls and disbelief at the behavior of others. Our bond was further cemented when our parents both got divorced at roughly the same time in the early 70s. We were constant and curious friends; wondering what the hell we were doing in these bodies, but not philosophic enough to squander the opportunity to operate them in ways perhaps unintended by their creator. In the gentlest of ways we’d conspire, scheme and execute the most notoriously benign skullduggery kids can devise.

The kind of trouble we got into would warrant a stern talking to, or maybe the frowning of a lifetime – if we ever got caught (which we never did). Some of our exploits (immature shenanigans to some, bold feats to us) were suitable for a Steven Spielberg juvenile buddy film entitled something like EGT: The Extra Goonie Terrestrials. Our escapades were brilliantly hatched and stealthily executed operations, undertaken with Hogan Heroes’ precision, MacGyver savvy and Bondian sangfroid. Well, all that and maybe a dash of Wile E Coyote miscalculation. One time we repurposed (some might call it stealing) 24 wooden 2 by 4’s stored in an open shed in the backyard of a neighbor. Risk was minimized by undertaking the mission at 2 o’clock in the morning during a new moon. We dubbed this daring little act of espionage Operation: It’s Just Sitting There, Denny Dimwit Isn’t Using It and Besides We Need It for Our Fort. You don’t pull off this level of larceny unless you’ve got your neighborhood sh*t dialed in. And in that rotary age we had it very dialed in.  Read the rest of this entry »

 

I David Hardiman, being of mind and body, and in order to become heaven-worthy, do hereby declare, stipulate and admit the following:

1. I believe a corn maize is redundant
2. I Try to be Humble: I only use the word “oomph” only when I want to speak with pizzazz.
3. I believe it’s important to “dance like no one’s watching.” And I believe this is doubly important when it comes to showering.
   

   This is one of the toughest gated communities to get into and I need all the help I can to access it.

4. Cheap Thrills: I admit I have chewed aluminum foil just to experience the low-level tingle of voltage running through my teeth. This measly oral quiver also works by connecting the poles of a 9-volt battery with your tongue
5. I secretly hope that Yahoo! purchases Yoo-Hoo. You do too?
6. I once made the mistake of staying at a hotel whose sign read: “Mucous-friendly.” It’s snot true. Really
7. I admit I once hacked into the Denny’s wireless ordering system and ordered 50 Cheese Omelets. I then nonchalantly walked in just to watch them scramble.
8. I used to pray with my fingers crossed. These days I pray with my eyes crossed
9. I shamefully admit, I’ve gone to an AM/PM mini market…just to buy my dinner. Who doesn’t like one (or more) of those high-mileage hot dogs rotated to perfection? Dinner at an AM/PM mini market is kind of like eating at a filling station (a restaurant) within a filling station (a gas station).
10. I’ve both given and received loincloths as gifts. Heck, when I walk my dog we each wear one. That’s why when traveling I always look for “Loincloth-friendly” hotels. It’s true I’m not trying to cover up anything.
11. I’ve gnever gnawed gnocchi. Gnot once. Who gnu?
12. Confused Senses: I have a special talent: I’m a non-lip reader. Without ever looking at someone’s lips I can understand exactly what they’re saying, just by listening. Strangely enough I can only understand sign language by listening to the person next to them speak the words they’re signing. And when I try to explain this to language signers, it falls on deaf ears. Maybe it’s because I wear a mask now and they can only read lips.
13. Everything I ever needed to learn, I learned in…oh, wait, I still haven’t learned everything I’ve needed to learn
14. I marvel at how rearranging letters in a certain pattern causes people to think of what the words symbolize. It’s like some kind of code or something. I understand principle, but I don’t know how it works.
15. I spend too much time wondering what a Caitlyn Jenner gender reveal party would be like
16. When I dine out at a fancy restaurant (other than an AM/PM mini market) I invariably order the “charcuterie.” Not because I like charcuterie, but because I feel so smugly continental when I say, “Ah yes garcon, I’ll start with the charcuterie and then perhaps a nice nom de plume, with a side of eminence grise and noblesse oblige
17. I admit, that in a recently created “Faustian Bargain” list I’ve used the term nom de plume and have not really known what I meant: My pen name is Daveed Hardrama and I approved this message
18. I’ve eaten lunch by going to Costco and getting in line 3 times at the free samples stations. Costco is known for its filling stations…and they sell gas there too.
19. People have asked me why I dance in front of my bathroom mirror? And the simple answer is, “Because it’s too hard to dance behind my bathroom mirror. And anyway, how did you know I was dancing in front of my bathroom mirror? Now I’m going to have to dance like someone is Damn you!”
20. If at the drive-thru I’m shortchanged an order of fries, I sure as hell circle back, alert them to their error, and get made whole. If, on the other hand, I’ve mistakenly received an extra cheeseburger, well, I don’t really need to stand on principle do I? And I drive away with my bun-filled bonanza.
21. I once walked across a troubled bridge over serene water – Simon says
22. I can recite all 17 alphanumerics in my VIN#. I know. Pretty good right? And I easily accomplish this when I’m reading it right off the registration.
23. Every time I try to go egg candling, I always end up glass blowing instead. You too? It’s the same with my volunteer work. Every time I start to drive down to volunteer at the soup kitchen, I wind up at Figaro’s Bistro in front of a charcuterie plate with a side of nom de plume. I’m hoping it’s the thought that counts here.
24. I admit I have tried a combover – but it wasn’t on my head.
25. (If this admission doesn’t get me into heaven, nothing will) When I was a teenager and no one was home, under cover of darkness I used to get naked, sneak out the back door and see how far I could get from the house before my inner voice warned “This is not a good time to be running through the neighbors’ backyards buck naked. Since when did Mr. Johnson get a motion detector spot light? I feel like a prisoner trapped in the yard. And why couldn’t the widow Jenkins pick-up just some of Fido’s poop. Smushy, smushy, smushy. If I’m caught this will not look good on a police blotter or my resume for that matter. But this being the mid-70’s my defense would be, ‘I was sleepstreaking’.”
26. I once had my ear lobes pressurized to 30 lbs. psi so I could float down the Erie Canal. It was a very eerie Erie ear experience, but I lobed it.Although I don’t have a prehensile tail, I do have prehensile nostrils. It’s snot true. And whenever Frank Sinatra had a cold he was called Frank Snot True.
27. I think the entire premise of this piece could use a little more oomph. Maybe Wonka can spare some Oompa Loompas.

Me:    OK Guardian Angel. I held up my end of the bargain, can I get into heaven now?

Guardian Angel: Well David don’t you know? You’re already in heaven?

Me:    You mean I didn’t have to admit any of that stuff?

Guardian Angel: That’s right Dorothy. You were there all along.

Me: Now listen here angel behind the curtain – first of all, you can just stop with the Wizard of Oz reference and second of all, If you’ve ever had a dog throw up into your mouth like I have (details available upon request), you’ll always feel like you’re playing with house money. So the jokes on you.  

 

1. Ultra-Marathon Runner – Voted best marathon magazine 5 years running
   

   Relics from an analogue age. Pardon my Gutenberg.

2. Con Appetit – Eat just like a convict with this sister publication to Bon Appetit. Try all these gruel and unusual recipes and you’ll be asking for, “More Sir!” Recipes include:
   1. A Salted and Battered Chicken
   2. Prisoner Pot Pie
   3. Felonious Monk…Fish
   4. Perpetrator Pepper Sprayed Tater Tots
   5. Maybe It’s Peanut Butter, Maybe It’s Not
3. Stair Master Magazine – Offers tips on mastering its sobering 32,000 Step Program. Remember, the first step to getting in shape is admitting you don’t have a Stair Master.
4. Stare Master Monthly – Stare like nobody’s watching. Master the Stare Master’s no-step program. This Zen-like periodical deals with focusing on a single object so intently you become the object you’re staring at. A figure-ground reversal for the ages. Caution: Do not attempt this with Picasso paintings.
5. Architects’ Digest – Sister publication to Architectural Digest. It’s more gastronomically oriented than design oriented. This high-gloss, 4-color publication endoscopically tracks the movement of foodstuffs through the alimentary canals of noted architects – from mastication to defecation, it’s all about the journey in this no holes barred gastrozine
6. Vanity Good – A less literary version of Vanity Fair marketed to a “more better class of reader.”
7. Advanced Web Design – Not for humans, but for spiders looking for new web-based layouts instead of the boring old preprogrammed genetic ones we’re all too familiar with. An advice column advises spiders how to cope with systemic arachnophobia.
8. Popular Mechanics II – Celebrating well-liked laborers and other popular mechanics.
9. Field & Stream II – Focuses on how Sally Field is coping with her streaming services.
10. Chair Massage Monthly – For sedentary people who want to “give back” to their chairs. Why someone would want to massage their chair is beyond me, but, apparently many chairs yearn to have their arms, legs, chairbacks and even seats massaged. I know I like my seat massage, so I won’t sit in judgment of chairs. What’s next? Bread massage. Who kneads that?
11. Who’s a Good Boy? magazine – Sister publication to Well Yes You Are. It’s a magazine claiming to be designed by dogs for dogs, but you can see the American Kennel Club’s paw prints all over this puppy. Dog POV articles include:
    1. If the Tables Were Turned I’d Gladly Scoop My Master’s Poop
    2. Overcoming the Stigma of Dog Shaming
    3. If Only Hitler was Given a Puppy Instead of a Swastika, Things Would’ve Been a Lot Different
12. Slow Fly magazine – This very limited appeal periodical offers emotional support to sluggish flies who, through no fault of their own, fly very, very slowly and are likely doomed to a life of an early flattening. Phlegmatic flies are identified early (usually in the maggot stage) and told this publication is their last best hope to cope. Articles include: How I Survived a SWAT Team and the truculent So yeah, I’m in the buttermilk. Go shoo yourself.
13. 4-Ply Toilet Paper Gazette – A magazine geared to rich assh*les. It bills itself as “Soft as a kittens belly.” At the Charmin Softness Awards Ceremony, 4-Ply Toilet Paper managed a clean sweep of all honors – and as we all know, a clean sweep is a rarity for this kind of thing.
14. Recycled Towel Magazine – This old rag has been wiping up the competition for years with absorbing stories wrung from the fabric of society…OK. I’ll just stop there.
15. Invisible People Magazine – A magazine for the faceless masses who subscribe to it – the Silent and Unseen Majority. This publication has a short shelf life because it’s written in disappearing ink. The cartoon page is boffo. Shows a busy doctor informing his nurse, “Tell the invisible man I can’t possibly see him today.” And the whole time the invisible patient is standing right there…completely naked.
16. Bedsore Illustrated – Sports Illustrated rude attempt to parlay their success in the sporting field into the medical field. The February swimsuit edition was a disaster. And after many reader complaints, the scratch and sniff page was discontinued.
17. Fine Print Aficionado – For people who think small
18. AARP for Kids – For the pre-retirement demographic of ages 0-12. Prepares youngsters for a rigorous life of early bird dinners, entitlement programs, reverse mortgages and participation trophies in the form of senior discounts you’ve earned simply because you can still fog a mirror. Inaugural issue has Shawn Mendes on the cover. Yeah, I didn’t know who he was either till I Googled him.
19. Microwave Aficionado – Again, not what you think. This specialized publication glorifies, celebrates and demonstrates methods of very tiny handwaving.
20. Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific Magazine – Originally published as: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Magazine. For some reason this publication melts in your mouth, not in your hands. Anyway if you’re considering subscribing – Just Do It.
21. Playman…of a Certain Age – Playboy publication geared for older men. The centerfold is really hard to unfold, like those produce bags at the grocery store. Articles include: How do I Know if She’s Blonde or Brunette if All Her Hair is Gray? And Do Walk-in Bathtubs Ruin the Mood?
22. Playlady…of a Certain Age – A Playboy publication for women who no longer have to worry about birth control. Features include: How to Gently Suggest to Your Partner It’s Time for a Scrotal Bra and What to Do When the Grandkids Find the Vibrator
23. Highlights for Dull Normals – A simplified version of Highlights for Children. Sections include: Which Hand is Missing Thumb? and Should You Take It Personally When a Monkey Throws Feces at You?
24. Better Huts and Gardens – For the paleo-man who prefers to party like it’s 22,000 BC. This instructive periodical informs natives how to make “grub sushi”, how to hollow out a trre trunk to create a very personal commode and what to do when a beaver overstays its welcome.
25. Them – A semantic hybrid of Us and People, Them magazine focuses on social alienation because you’re you, and not Them. As always each issue of Them is printed in the 3^rd person. 
26. Tissue Magazine – I have every issue of Tissue ever issued, and if I have an issue with Tissue, it’s that I don’t know if it’s about Kleenex (tissue) or sinew (tissue).
27. You’re Way Too Interested in My Armpits So Get the Hell Away From Me You Creep…Magazine – Whether your armpits are convex or concave this self-defense publication will keep them right where they belong; safely concealed under your shoulders and away from the prying eyes of armpit fetishists. Articles include:
    1. Vegas Pit Boss Tosses Oglers from Caesar’s Who Were Eyeing Women with Arms Akimbo
    2. Is that Museum Visitor Appreciating the Art or Just Staring at the Venus de Milo’s Armpits?
28. Pharm Living – This Big Pharma publication highlights methods of improving crop yields through the use of non-FDA approved, Vegetable Enhancing Drugs (VEDs). Articles include:
    1. Garnish Industry Rocked by 80 lb. Radishes and 9-foot Parsley Sprigs
    2. Dwarf Fruit Trees Now Dwarf Regular Fruit Trees
    3. Auto Industry Reports a Bumper Crop of Bumpers
29. Aviation Hour – Companion publication to Aviation Week. Why wait a whole week for aviation news when you can receive hourly updates stuffed directly into your mailbox? A lifeline for OCD pilots. Subscription comes with a complimentary hangar to store all your magazines delivered every hour 24/7. Largest carbon footprint of anything ever printed.
30. Amish Life – Addresses such questions as:
    1. Amish Identity Crisis: Am I really “Am” or am I just Am-ish?
    2. Trying to Overcome Horse and Buggy Thinking
    3. Is it Morally Wrong to Eat Until You’re Satisfied?
    4. Amish Exorcisms in Southern Pennsylvania: Untainting a Taint
    5. Does God Want Us to Inhale?
    6. Is Gravity Just Holding Us Down, or is There More to It?
    7. If Cleanliness is Next to Godliness, What’s Tidiness Near?
    8. Helga Participated in a Wet Bonnet Contest, We Must Stone Her?

Magazines That Went Bankrupt and the Reasons Thereof

1. Origami Magazine – Folded
2. Weight Watchers Digest – Went belly up
3. 25% Quarterly – Too Redundant
4. Modern Slavery – The Civil War
5. Mad Magazine – The Internet
6. Thyme Magazine – Herbal copycat never stood a chance
7. Beast Magazine – Was beauty killed the Beast

As a college student I worked at a snooty little bistro called The Periodic Table – a restaurant renowned for its primordial soup and Big Bang Burgers. To say The Periodic Table caters to academia would be…ummm, the second sentence in this paragraph (sometimes I just don’t know how to finish a thought). But not only does The Periodic Table cater to academia, they also cater to people who…ummm want food supplied to an event they’re having. Again, sometimes I just don’t know how to finish a thought.

 

The Periodic Table has a superlative staff. Pastry chef Madame Kurie won a MacArthur Genius Award for twice baking half-baked ideas so they’d emerge from the oven as one fully formed idea. I probably could’ve used her help in the first paragraph. After all, she’s a stable genius. I’m just happy to be a wobbly virtuoso.  

 

Susan Williams, the sous chef, can be very argumentative. She often exclaims, “You don’t like my bouillabaisse? Sue me.” She’s shrewd. She knows no one will sue a sous chef named Sue?

 

With Covid-19 protocols in effect the social distancing between elements is a minimum of 6 atoms. It’s strictly enforced by nuclear bouncers carrying electron microscopes. The Periodic Table spun-off a restaurant called the Isotope. Managers mathematically determined the Isotope would last for 20 years, but signed a 10-year lease because they were smart enough to realize the unstable Isotope would have a half-life of 10 years.

 

The Periodic Table is a popular love nest for couples who are carbon dating. Chemistry majors love this semantic den of clever linguistics. For example, chem students can order their milk shakes in three states: solid, liquid or Massachusetts.

 

Most of the tips I received were of the “Hey, don’t do anything Einstein wouldn’t do,” variety. The fallout from working at the Periodic Table added gritty luster to my otherwise geek-dominated résumé (1^st chair high school triangle, Chess Club equipment manager, foster home for orphaned light sabers). Unfortunately the money I earned had a half-life faster than radium and I spent money like an “unstable Cesium-137 atom decaying in a nuclear chain reaction” (I never get tired of that old expression). And even though I spent most of the money on ginkgo biloba, I could never quite remember where it all went.

 

I hope you enjoyed this overture to my list of newly discovered elements. Elements that all have one thing in common. They radiate humor:

1. Shelium – Newly discovered sister element to Helium. Oddly enough when you inhale it, it makes your voice deeper. And even though Shelium is lighter than air, it always thinks it’s fat.
2. Fartium – At first it was thought to be a Noble Gas. But after just one whiff you knew…it ain’t so noble.
3. Cranium – This element is a head case
4. Copper – Not that kind of copper. In fact, not really an element at all. It’s what gangsters called a policeman in the 1930s.
5. Miseryium – Not much is known about this dark matter other than Miseryium loves company
6. Moronium – An element that only seems to affect other people’s intelligence
7. Acronymium – BTW, Scientists believe Acronymium stands for something, but FYI, they don’t know what…LOL
8. Belgium – Not an element. Just a shout out to the country of Belgium.
9. Tamponium – Tamponium will always have a seat at any Periodic Table – usually once a month.
10. Yumyumium – What Chinese restaurants sprinkle on food to make it taste better
11. Conundrum – Scientists are still trying to figure out just where this perplexing element fits in
12. Viagrium – A lot like zirconium in that it’s not an authentic rock-hard diamond, but no one seems to mind and actually appreciate it nonetheless. Warning: If its half-life last longer than 8 hours – see a mechanic – a quantum mechanic.
13. Blamium – It’s always somebody else’s element. Eventually decays into an Inferiority Complex.
14. Blamium-238 – A rare isotope causes complainers to reassess their lives and admit “mea culpa”
15. Sherlockium – Elementary, my dear reader. Also available in the sarcastic isotope, No Sh*t Sherlockium
16. Steakumms – Found in your refrigerator. At least that’s where I thaw it.
17. Mormonium – The only element that thinks it’s acceptable to marry with the electrons of more than one atom
18. Cofault – When cobalt decays and makes a mistake it becomes Cofault
19. Cobalt – makes you feel blue
20. Codependentbalt – enables cobalt to make you feel blue
21. Meme-ium – That thing where “We haz no cheezburgers”
22. Virginium – An element of unblemished purity. High concentrations found in Ivory Soap and Promise Rings
23. Tounguestun – When a taser accidentally hits your tongue
24. Palladium – Amphitheater shaped element. The Beatles played there in 1964
25. Homonymium – Sounds just like an element, but it isn’t. Prefers the orbits of its own kind, as opposed to Heteronymium.
26. Synonymian – An element that can be substituted for any other element
27. Cinemanium – What a drunk scientist calls a movie theater
28. Sinamonium – Too much of this element and you won’t get into Heavenium
29. Cinnamonium – Above a certain threshold and you develop and overwhelming desire to move to Cincinnati. Also tasty sprinkled on toast.
30. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is your relationship with yourself. Not an element. Just wanted to send you a little preachy reminder in an Oprah kind of way. I zinc it’s important to remember this.

Maybe I’m attempting too much here, but I’ve only got so much time left and I’m determined to spend it like a drunken sailor.

~ Presenting 6 parallel introductions of the same topic. Each with its own inherent bias ~

1. The Generous and Funny Introduction: In all of Christendom, the revered Catholic Church is far and away the most consequential. For millennia the resolute Church has provided a dependable sanctuary and a loving interpretation of Christ’s moral philosophy. And even in the darkest of ages, it has been a beacon of hope and a light unto the world. And I use the phrase “unto the world” instead of “in the world” because “unto the world” smacks of greater religious authority. In order to generate even more gravitas in the future, I might rollout out a “thee” or a “thou” and maybe even a few “thines” but I’ll try not to be holier than thou (see, it works). What can you say about an exemplary religion that’s spawned more copycat wannabees than Madonna did in her heyday (and here I’m referring to Madonna the singer, not to Madonna Jesus’s mom)? Sometimes spin-offs work (Doritos begat Nacho Doritos) and sometimes they don’t (Catholicism begat the Amish). Not to disparage the Amish, but my idea of horsepower and their idea of horse power are two very different things.

 

2. The Damning with Faint Praise Introduction: Of all the Christian sects, the glamorous Catholic Church is far and away the most Hollywood. Tinseltown’s glittery flair seems to have informed the Church’s practices and even decorated their Christmas trees. What can you say about a steadfast religion that’s resisted secular relativism and spawned more spinoffs than Fast and Furious? Sometimes spin-offs work (Chevrolet begat the Corvette) and sometimes they don’t (Chevy also begat the Chevette). Not to disparage Chevrolet, but my idea of horsepower and a Chevette’s idea of horsepower are two very different things.

 

3. The Contemptuous Zoological Introduction that Goes Off the Rails: Of all the animals in the Christian Zoo, the outsized Catholic Church is the elephant in the room no one wants to clean-up after. In the menagerie of Christian denominations masquerading as the ultimate path to God, Catholicism has the biggest footprint – and why wouldn’t it? It’s the elephant in the room with 4 huge stamping feet that parishioners hope will walk softly and carry a big trunk. What can you say about a religion that’s spawned more spinoffs than an RC Cola accidentally set on a Tommy Dorsey record played at 78 rpms? Make that a Jimmy Dorsey record. In fact make that a reference from less than 80 years ago that people might possibly understand or appreciate. Clearly, I’ve got work to do and I implore you to stay with me and keep reading. You can get back to the familiar satisfaction of your iPhone in 10 minutes, I promise. Hmmmm…but what if you’re on your iPhone now reading this. Suddenly it’s Alice through the looking glass and a tsunami of anxiety overwhelms me. This is no time for a panic attack and yet this fretful, disjointed introduction is a panic attack just waiting to happen. Check that. Oh sh*t! It’s not waiting. It’s happening. Right now…to me. Jesus, where’s writer’s block when you need it. As I hyperventilate and begin rocking back and forth, a semantic question pierces my anxiety: Did writers who lived behind the Soviet’s Iron Curtain suffer from Writers’ Bloc?  

 

4. The Vacuous, Out-to-Lunch Introduction: Of all the Christian sects, the Catholic Church is one of them. It’s a big one. Elephant big. The Church knows it’s important to be good (or at least to not get caught doing anything bad). But if you are caught, you are invited to confess to a priest and all is forgiven. The idea of being good seems to have informed their practices and is somehow indirectly responsible for all the glorious decorations on their Church ceilings. What can you say about a legacy religion that’s spawned more spinoffs than Pepperidge Farm has with their cookies? Sometimes spin-offs work (Darth Vader begat Luke Skywalker) and sometimes they don’t (Hamburger Helper begat Pancreas Helper). Not to disparage all other religions, but…oh forget #4. I’m just relieved my panic attack is over.

 

5. The Unforgiving Malevolent Introduction: Of all the Christian sex (oops, I meant sects), the unpoliced Catholic Church has far and away screwed everybody the most. Unvetted priests have groomed and corrupted impressionable followers in the most irreligious ways imaginable. Self-serving silence seems to have informed their practices, even at the cost of millions in settlements and untold psychic harm. What can you say about a religion that spun-off a Hall of Fame to enshrine its most luminous players – they call it Sainthood? Sometimes spin-offs work (The Godfather begat The Godfather Part II) and sometimes they don’t (The Godfather begat The Godfather Part III). I guess it all depends on your perspective in judging whether something works or not. In any event Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro each one Oscars for playing the same character. 

 

6. The Even-Handed, Glossed Over Introduction (so we may finally get on with our entertaining little story): The Catholic Church has done its god damned best to attend to its needy flock. Sometimes they’ve fallen short, but not for a lack of good intentions. Whether Crusading through Europe, or just gently interrogating the Spanish to make sure they were really, truly Catholic, the Church always had its heart in the right place. Sometimes that heart had only 2 creaky chambers distributing the milk of human kindness stingily and unevenly, instead of 4 robust chambers pounding out truth and justice equally to all seekers. What can you say about an institution that’s produced more copycat religions than there are copycat Beatles tribute bands? Not to disparage these tribute bands, but my idea of revolution and their idea of Revolution are two very different things. At any rate, our evolution can only happen at a speed we can handle. Godspeed everyone!

And Now We Begin Our Story

Similar to the way Steven “Book of” Jobs founded Apple by tinkering in his dad’s garage, Jesus started writing code for his start-up cult in his dad’s stable. Sometimes Joseph would poke his head in and suspiciously inquire, “Jesus Christ, what’s going on in here?”

To which his exasperated son would reply, “Daaaad! I told you, I’m formulating a moral philosophy for mankind to live by.”

“Yeah sure son. Every night for 6 months?,” Joseph would huff in Aramaic. “I’m not sure what’s going on in here, but I smell frankincense.”

“I told you dad. I got that as a gift when I was born. It helps me to think.” Jesus explained. Read the rest of this entry »

“This is Really Beneath Me,” He Claims. “20,000 Leagues Beneath Me.”

Because I’m not drawn to drink or drugs, I think I’m more susceptible to other less conventional intoxicants. Case in point – my current addiction to cheesy submarine movies. Whether you consider this peculiar predilection a harmless hobby or a nautical neurosis, I’ll leave to your consideration. I do believe these underwater cinematic spectacles trigger the same neurons in my brain’s pleasure center that are triggered by drugs and alcohol in normal people like you (this may be assuming a lot). I’m as happy as a clam, sitting at attention in my marine mancave, watching soldierly submariners behaving like dutiful amphibians. My life coach says these cheesy submarine movies are beneath me, and she’s right. In one movie they’re 20,000 leagues beneath me.  

Don’t you find the term “cheesy” to be a lactose intolerant word? Your cheese is my caviar and I’ve found great happiness in those little underwater fish ova. Underwater things speak to me. Maybe I’m all wet on this issue, but where computers see a binary world of ones and zeros, I see a binary world of submarine movies and not submarine movies. I cannot fathom anything deeper than 2 categories of things. To my way of thinking you’re either part of the submarine movie universe or you’re just…the rest of universe. In the former category you’re part of the solution. In the latter you’re part of the problem. I consider myself a high-functioning person, if only because my 7-layer dip does not contain mulch as one of its layers. However, when I initially encounter a person, place or thing to be categorized, the first question I ask myself is: Does this thing serve the cause of the submarine movie universe; or is it just part of the boring, everyday cosmos? I ponder this question while figuratively submerged beneath the waves in my marine-like mancave.

Don’t you find the term “mancave” to be a caveman intolerant word? It can sound so unkind to a Neanderthal’s hairy ear. In any event, my marine mancave is like a magical aquarium outfitted with artifacts to render my above-ground underwater experience arrestingly authentic. And true to my submarine ways, I’ve spent money on it like a drunken sailor. There’s a sunken treasure chest, bio-luminescent lighting, a little bubbling man in a diving suit and some fishnets. Not the kind of fishnets to catch fish, but the kind of fishnets women wear to catch men – I mean I am a male and this is my manspace I’ve outfitted to suit my interests. And I employ the word “outfitted” with great binary precision. You see women decorate. Men outfit.  

Don’t you find the term “outfitted” to be a female intolerant word. Alright, I’ll stop with this running “intolerant” trope. Even I can’t tolerate it anymore. I guess that makes me intolerant of intolerance. But as I claimed earlier, I am high-functioning. I know the difference between being entertaining, and being repetitive. As I said earlier, I know the difference between being entertaining and being repetitive.

 

Rules of the Sea

 In order to qualify as a submarine movie, the film must feature, present or promote the following mandatory items: 

1. All sailors must have a visible arc of armpit sweat extending from the front of the shoulder to the back of the shoulder – even if they’re shirtless. 
2. For reasons known only to the tobacco industry, smoking in this confined, underwater gas chamber is not only allowed, but is encouraged. Hence the slogan: Join the Navy and get 3 lifetimes of tar in just one 3-month deployment.
3. All food is “chow” and served by a grizzled yet lovable mess cook, Sergeant Falco, who plates everything with a side of cigarettes and a dash of armpit sweat.
4. There must be a fraught scene where perspiring midshipmen gaze anxiously at the ceiling for what seems like an eternity as they await the latest detonation in a barrage of enemy depth charges. And when they do explode, they must make sudden phony movements in one direction as the hull absorbs yet another powerfully bogus explosion.
5. Smiling is prohibited (unless it’s ironic).
6. There must be some recognizable, but out of place actor in it – like Don Rickles, Wally Cox or Trini Lopez (oh, what that man could do with a hammer).
7. At some point an exasperated ensign exclaims, “I didn’t sign up for this sh*t.” He’s soon reminded he did indeed sign up for it. For a 4-year hitch.
8. At some point the hull will be breached and there’ll be a containable, yet harrowing flood in which 2 superfluous seamen (they didn’t have speaking parts) drown.
9. In the mandatory scene where the sub and its crew are plummeting to a potentially watery grave after taking one too many enemy depth charges, you realize it’s not their destiny to die yet. These men have got packs of unlit cigarettes to smoke and hampers of sweat-stained uniforms to launder.
10. There’ll be a lot of eerie sonar pings indicating we’re underwater and it’s a submarine movie. No pongs, just pings.

 

What’s in a Name

All submarine movies except one are about high stakes, underwater peril in the midst of mortal conflict. I’ll give you a moment to think which one that is. OK. Times up. It’s Yellow Submarine. Other submarine movie titles (some real, some perhaps invented) include:

1. Ice Station Zebra – A wondrously vague military moniker laid athwart a forbidding Arctic seascape. I’m swooning here. Calgon take me away – to the North Pole!  
2. Run Silent, Run Deep – Starring Burt Lancaster and Clark Gable. My God, 10 minutes in, before Mr. Lancaster even issued the order to “Take ‘er down ensign,” Lancaster had completely chewed the scenery (not an easy thing to do on an all steel boat). His overacting is all too easily criticized, but we owe a great debt to Lancaster, for without his example, William Shatner may never have honed his acting chops. Some say the actual title should be Run Silent, Run Deep, Run as Far Away from Burt Lancaster’s Acting as You Can. Confession: I couldn’t stop watching this underwater thriller. Little known fact: Before there were talkies, there was another Run Silent, Run Deep movie. It told the story of a mute philosopher who pondered profoundly while he jogged – true to its title he would: run silent, run deep. That film fared poorly. Why? – No submarines.    
3. Run Loudly, Run Shallow – This Mel Brooks parody of submarine movies belongs in the kiddie pool. Although the farting scene where, after a dinner of pork and beans the crew fills the submarine with so much noxious gas that they’re forced to surface, is hilarious. The rest of the movie stunk. Well, I guess that makes the entire movie a stinker.
4. Ships Oy Vey! – In this all-Hebraic sequel to the gentile Ships Ahoy! the nascent Israeli Navy is out on patrol everyday but Saturday. Admiral Nimitzowitz insists each sailor trades in their traditional sailor’s hat for a little white yarmulke with a teeny-tiny brim. Trademark Yiddish humor is on display when each deployment to sea is dubbed a “Jews Cruise.” Burt Lancaster visited during filming, but orthodox Jews refused to allow him on the set because, “He’s just too hammy.”  
5. Das Boot – German U-boat flick with plenty of surface tension as well as below surface tension. It starred venerable German actor Klaus Traphobic. Reports say Klaus Traphobic had trouble coping with the cramped quarters on the submarine.
6. Yellow Submarine – This Beatles submarine cartoon was much more upbeat than the Rolling Stones’ Paint It Black Submarine.
7. Up Periscope – This 1959 classic featured the impeccably well-groomed James Garner as Captain Morrel Rectitude. The line defining where Mr. Garner’s hair ended and his neck began is delineated with such expert tonsorial precision that the Navy is able to set their watch to it. In one scene the camera pans slowly over the bunks, and in the background I swore I saw a nude picture of Vivian Vance. Either that or it was a nude picture of Marilyn Monroe with Vivian Vance’s head taped over it. Being out to sea does something to a man’s head. Confession: Watched it twice back to back.
8. Down Periscope – Kelsey Grammer at his pettifogging best in this uneven salmagundi of hijinks and lowjinks. Note: If your lowjinks last longer than 4 minutes, stop watching and call your doctor. Note to the note: The word hijinks is one of those rare words with 3 consecutive dotted letters – like iiicarumba! In Down Periscope, Kelsey Grammer speaks very clearly, but sometimes Kelsey’s grammar ain’t so good.
9. Deep Periscope – Warning. Not a submarine movie, but a XXX sequel to Deep Throat.
10. Gee Your Armpits Smell Terrific – Again, not the kind of movie you’d want to take the family to.
11. The Hunt for Red October & Crimson Tide – 2 Cardinal-colored covert conflicts. Red-shifted wavelengths abound, proving the universe is still expanding. What is the proper length of a wave? Experts say about 3-4 seconds.
12. The Hunt for Red Skelton – When famed comedian Red Skelton fails to show up for a rehearsal, his agent starts looking everywhere for him. He eventually finds him safe and dry at a deli eating a submarine sandwich.   

 

Leveling-Off at Periscope Depth, Secure Quarters, Insecure Dimes, All Ahead 1/3^rd, Smok’em if Ya Got’em

Watching submarine movies…let me rephrase that, experiencing submarine movies brings me untold joy. I’d like to tell you about it, but then it wouldn’t be untold, would it? It would be “told joy.” And there are 2 things I promised myself early on: 1. I wouldn’t read Tolstoy and 2. I wouldn’t share “told joy.” No Tolstoy, no told joy (try saying that 3 times fast). And if that’s not high-functioning, I don’t know what is. You see in my long pioneering years of social distancing, well before it became popular, I discovered the importance of being scrupulously honest with my readers so I didn’t suffer their social ostracization. Unfortunately, due to my single-minded interest in submarine movies, social ostracization is something I’m all too familiar with. In any event, social ostracization is not to be confused with being oblivious to things by sticking your head in the sand. That’s called social ostrich-ization, and it’s for the birds. But I’m pleased to be able to differentiate the meaning between social ostracization from social ostrich-ization – even though it comes up infrequently. In fact it’s probably never come up until now. And once again I’ve gone overboard here, but going overboard might be appropriate given the nautical topic.   Read the rest of this entry »

Despite social distancing, quarantining and living every day like we’re in solitary confinement, we humans (and that’s most of you) remain desirous of intimate company. And although the invisibly menacing world of teeny-tiny viruses stand ready to devastate our dampest membranes (both in the lungs and in the loins), the sexual imperative will not be denied. The God-given urge to get naked with a loved one and perform the Heimlich maneuver is always in vogue – and in many other magazines too. And even though we are aware of the rational arguments against risky exposure, the absurd choreography of human love yearns to perform its irrational dance with a willing partner.

 

The underachieving and overbearing year of 2020 is driving us crazy. We were underprepared and overwhelmed by the Coronavirus, social injustices and the whole Aunt Jemima thing. By April, most of us were already asking for a “do over.” And as if 2020 hasn’t been cuckoo enough, you know what else drives us crazy? – the sex drive. It doesn’t so much drive us crazy as it drives us to distraction. You don’t even need a license to drive it – hormones will gladly steer the sex drive onto some very sketchy assfault. Since we all feel the urge to merge, it’s best to get a grip on yourself (or at least the steering wheel) and choose the merge lane that feels best for you.

BTW, I’ve never seen a hormone. I’ve heard one. But I’ve never seen one. Read the rest of this entry »

1. 

   130 is the new 75. Former Fine Arts professor Agatha Cranston studied Cezanne – in person.

   Nana with the See-thru Hands – She’s the best, but at this point she’s like looking at an X-ray

2. Insta-Gram – It’s what I called my new grandma when I was first adopted into the family
3. My Inheritance – I love her and everything but c’mon, daddy needs a new Honda
4. Crystal Methuselah – She’s very old and she used to have a little drug problem
5. Prunella – Oh my sweet and shriveled Nana. Why must you age?
6. Grammykins – My cuddly name for her. Especially if the Grammys are on that night.
7. Glam-Ma – She’s still very good-looking. Some friends even tell me she’s a GMILF. Whatever that is.
8. Milky-Eyed Matriarch – I mean whoa…”Got Grandma?”
9. Smells like Geriatric Spirit – Just applying the Nirvana classic to Granny’s unique aroma
10. Runs with Depends – What I call my active Navajo Indian grandmother who likes to jog
11. GrAnnie Oakley – She’s a big 2^nd amendment supporter. It’s like “Granny get your gun.”
12. Still Life with a Heartbeat – She’s a former Fine Arts professor who once studied Cezanne – in person!
13. Gramnesia – She sometimes forgets who I am.
14. Grandmummy – It’s what I call my Egyptian grandma
15. Make Nonni Great Again – She’s losing it and she loves Trump.
16. Nonni Nonni Luftballoons – My German grandma’s whose last name is actually Luftballoon
17. Gram Cracker – Grandma is from the deep South and she holds certain antiquated prejudices
18. Ba-Nana – Her first name Barbara, and she’s a grandma…you do the math.
19. Grandpa – You know how Grandmas tend to grow those chin hairs with age?
20. Kombucha Babushka – My Russian Grandma who drinks healthy beverages
21. ♫Hold Your Head Up, Woman♫ – What can I say? The dear woman’s head lolls to one side.
22. Catena with the Flaring Nostrils – I wish it were different, but she ain’t exactly ♫Nancy with the Laughing Face♫
23. Baba Ganoush – Well, her last name is actually Ganoush, and she likes the eggplant spread too.
24. Drama Grama – She used to teach acting classes so I thought the name fitting
25. My Favorite Neanderthal – She’s really old. Anthropologically old. She still calls the continents Pangea; and Jesus as, “That nice boy from Nazareth.”
26. That musty old woman who once stuck her tongue down my throat – Thank God she was only a Step-Grandmother and not blood.
27. Candy Dish of Interconnected Sweets – So what if she kept an old, dusty dish of hard candy around that, over the years, metastasized into one benign aggregate mass of candy. When she grew up, the woman had no candy.
28. Blue Hair with Feathers – My Cherokee Indian grandmother after the beauty parlor