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Gemstones, long thought to be perfectly content being ogled for their beauty, are now demanding to be recognized for their brains too. Spokeswoman Katie Clarity remarked, “Gemstones are more than just Pet Rocks and they deserve to be treated like the elegant ornaments they are, and not the trophy trinkets they’ve become. These precious stones, incubated within Mother Earth’s geologic uterus, are primordial bling and worthy of your deepest appreciation.”  

 

Gemstones: Coming of Age

Probably as a result of exposure to AI’s ChatGPT and the contrails of certain airplanes, many gemstones have anthropomorphized to the point where they are not only sentient, but also fraught with feelings. These days there’s no telling what their state of mind might be – especially when it comes to those fickle “mood rings.”

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In recent years, self-aware gemstones have slowly evolved from bimbo baubles to accomplished adornments. They can no longer abide being gawked at for their superficial charms and then, when the party is over, crated away in some dark jewelry box like an anxious Pet Rock looking for comforting refuge. Some say these newly-conscious jewels are acting way too “precious.” But what else should we expect? They are precious – literally. They are precious stones just playing their part.  

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These following movie sequels just didn’t have the big budget their more lavish progenitors did. And due to these budgetary constraints, the sequels suffered greatly. Below is a list of the cut-rate sequels and an explanation of where corners were cut.

1. Thawed — A low budget sequel to Frozen. Disney had hoped to at least call it Slushy, but they simply could not keep the temperature on the set below 32° and everything that was frozen, thawed.
2. A Few Things, Many Places, at Various Times — This sequel to Everything, Everywhere, All at Once tried, but failed to achieve the penetrating ubiquity of its originator. So instead of everything being everywhere, all at once, the best they could muster was a few things being many places, at various times.
3. Gone with a Gust — One strong blast of Southern air changes everything for Rhett and Scarlett. After that one powerful gust blew the set away (the blowing of Atlanta), the movie kinda peters out and came in at an economical 41 minutes instead of the original GWTW’s 3h 58m. Some said it should’ve been longer. Others said 41 minutes was enough. If you ask me, “Frankly, I don’t give a damn.”
4. Goodfella — De-pluralizing Goodfellas meant the sequel had to pay only one criminal. By focusing on one lone Goodfella instead of many needy Goodfellas, allowed them to save a bundle in catering, wardrobe and fake blood expenses.
5. (The Terrestrial) — No ETs (Extra Terrestrials) in this sequel. Just one inexpensive, low maintenance terrestrial.
6. 6 Annoyed Guys — This was the diluted sequel to the classic 12 Angry Men. With only 6 jurors, it wasn’t even a legal trial, but the producers just couldn’t afford to pay a room full of 12 Angry Men – let alone trying to sustain their anger at fever pitch for such a long shoot. The best they could do in this sequel was to keep 6 guys kinda annoyed for a while.

 

Now might be a good time to visit the lobby for a 1 lb. box of Milk Duds

 

7. The OK, the Not OK and the Homely — Moviegoers had trouble finding the good, the bad and the ugly in this Sergio Leone Spaghetti Western sequel to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
8. Mary Poppin — Maintaining the thin premise to this de-pluralized sequel to the Disney classic was difficult. Super nanny Mary Poppin visits her charges, but doesn’t stay long. She just pops in, hence the name Mary Pop-in. The movie didn’t do well, but they did make a fortune in merchandising jet-powered umbrellas.
9. Le Vert Kilometer (French sequel to The Green Mile) — Producers were able to save beaucoup Euros by only having to travel a kilometer (.625 of a mile) instead of the full green mile.
10. The Mildly Elated Pugilist — He wasn’t a Glad-iator, but he was happy enough
11. Neurotic — A very tame version of Psycho. Plot: A nerdy guy (Norman Bates) has a fascination with toucans and keeps boxes of long ago expired Froot Loops in a rocking chair in the attic. He’s harmless really and by no means crazy – just very neurotic. For example, instead of taxidermy his favorite hobby is scrapbooking pictures of Laurie Metcalf from Roseanne. Fairly benign stuff really, consequently there’s very little tension in the movie. There’s the obligatory shower scene where, after a her pickle ball tournament, Norman’s wife Beatrice cleans up real nice and Norman thoughtfully hands her a towel to dry off before they go out to dinner at Spago.

 

Visit the lobby for a movie-sized 2 lb. box of Sno*Caps that expired in 1999

 

1. Jerusalem Jones and the Temple of El Shalom — Don’t know if we needed this Semitic swashbuckler. But for those who do enjoy getting their swashes buckled, we see our Hebraic hero “Indy” trade in his battered fedora for a reverent yarmulke. And instead of fearing snakes, Jerusalem Jones has a strong aversion to ham.
2. Arm’s Length Encounters of the 4th Kind — Talk about an alien experience, these encounters are neither close, nor of the 3rd kind. This movie is the opposite of out of this world.
3. Bottom Chef — Doomed sequel to the TV show Top Chef. Talk about weak sauce. These chefs can’t boil water without burning it. The only thing well done on this show are the closing credits. The winning chef’s best recipe was calling Grub Hub.
4. UnTru — This sequel reimagines Truman Capote as a barrel-chested WASP, bedding down societies’ dames with a stroke of his mighty pen. And according to the ladies, his pen is mighty. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is completely miscast as the effete writer. And due to copyright infringement laws scriptwriters were only able to refer to Capote’s masterpiece as Brunch at Tiffany’s.
5. Back to the Present Time — Doc and Marty McFly travel in a 2019 Subaru Forester from the present time, to the present time. This lack of time travel makes no sense at all in this sequel to Back to the Future.. But since keeping it in present day makes set-building unnecessary and special effects practically nonexistent, costs were kept to a minimum.

 

Hey the lobby is empty now. Enjoy an 84 oz. Coke served in a popcorn tub.

 

1. It’s a Mad, Mad World — In this sequel, the world had gotten 50% saner so it was no longer a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.
2. To Nurse a Mockingbird — The Harper Lee classic To Kill a Mockingbird as told through the eyes of an idealistic veterinarian Atticus Finch who nurses an injured bird back to health in the Deep South. This sequel is just a bird-brained idea.
3. Arbor Day — Everyday Bill Murray wakes up in a tree, until he finally learns the true meaning of pruning
4. 1001: A Space Odyssey — Not a lot happening in this turn of the 2nd millennium sequel. After the opening scene where the ape tosses the bone skyward, they cut to some sooty hovels in the Black Forest where dwell the Visigoths or the Vandals or some such grimy neanderthals near what is now present-day Stuttgart. An errant Starbucks cup left on a blacksmith’s anvil and enough contrails to play tic-tac-toe on, ruin any sense of Dark Ages realism.
5. Some of the President’s Men — By the time they got around to filming the sequel, not All the President’s Men were still alive
6. 38 Dalmatians — Much cheaper to produce and clean up after 38 dogs than after 101 of these purebreds
7. Little About Eve — They pretty much covered it in All About Eve, and there just wasn’t much more to dish in this unenlightening, patchwork sequel.
8. It’s a Tolerable Life, No Really — In this follow-up to Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey tries to convince himself that his “meh” life is one he can put up with – especially if he can convince Mrs. Bailey to wear the new push-up bra he bought for her.

25. Rosemary’s Cabbage — A devilishly good sequel. After years of trying, Rosemary finally gets pregnant at the hands of her husband (it wasn’t technically his hands, but you get the point). However, because Rosemary is such a dedicated vegan, genes get crossed, and she gives birth to a cabbage.

 

Did you know that America’s largest trading partner is Mexico? Yes. Our commerce with Mexico is both Good & Plenty.

 

1. Higher Noon — This modern-day sequel to High Noon takes place at a marijuana dispensary called “We’d Love.” In the background we hear proprietor Seth Rogen saying, “Dave is not here man.”
2. 3 Shades of a Grey Ink — Far from the erotic vibrancy of 50 Shades of Grey, this monastic sequel takes place in a medieval abbey where monks sworn to silence handwrite biblical passages in 3 shades of grey ink. Of the 300+ monks at the monastery only one – a friar named Gregor – is permitted to talk. And even at that they only let Gregor chant.
3. The Codfather — Most of the so-called action takes place on the outer banks of Nova Scotia where underworld sharks vie for marine supremacy. The Codfather dismisses the sport fishermen in their fancy boats as a bunch of “air breathers.” In the end the entire school becomes the Codfather’s family and, out of respect, kiss his gills. A few hoodlum barracuda are whacked for trying to spawn with the halibut.

29. Sons of Beaches — Grittier sequel to Beaches.
30. Apocalypse Later! — A lazy, dawdling remake of Apocalypse Now. As one reviewer said, “Armageddon delayed is Armageddon denied.” In this sequel they just keep procrastinating the apocalypse. It’s infuriating. Here’s some typical dialogue:

Capt. Willard: Apocalypse Now?

Col Kurtz: Nah, apocalypse later.

Capt. Willard: OK, how about now?

Col. Kurtz: Nope, too soon.

 

And finally, in your last trip to the lobby, may I suggest an appetizing high mileage hot dog that’s been spinning on the same roller since bell bottoms were in

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All part of my “If You’re Not Going to Think About It, I Will” series

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Do you think the actor Treat Williams’s parents looked at their newborn son and thought, “Should we call him John or Treat? Hmmm. Let’s go with Treat?”

And the name served him well except for Halloween, when he’d get all tongue-tied at the door and say, “Trick or Me.”

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A band of Spaniards had come all the way from La Mancha to seek out the young Jesus, who was then ministering in Galilee. Over hill and dale they searched for the Messiah.
Spotting the Lord and his entourage walking in the distance, their leader beckoned to him:

The Man of La Mancha: Hey Zeus! Hey Zeus! Is that you?

Jesus and his apostles stopped and addressed the yearning acolytes. Peter gently corrected the man of La Mancha, “My friend, that is not Zeus. It’s Jesus. He is God, but he’s far from the Greek mythological God you’re confusing him with. Your group must be from Athens.

The Man of La Mancha: No sir. We’re from Spain and I know that’s Hey Zeus.

Peter: Hey Zeus? Oh, you mean Jesus. I get it. You speak Spanish and pronounce Jesus as Hey Zeus with a J that sounds like an H. Got it. Hey, be careful with that. I mean don’t go calling St. Joe, St. Hoe.

1. A Step Ladder is your relationship to a ladder a 2^nd wife brings into the marriage. Together you create a blended family toolbox.
2. I went to a hardware store and asked the clerk where the screwdrivers were. He directed me, and when I got there, it was nothing but a shelf of Vodka and Orange Juices.
3. By definition, all of my friend Phil’s screwdrivers are Phillip’s screwdrivers
4. I simply cannot deal with my coping saw anymore
   

   Are awl tools good?

5. And now my hacksaw won’t stop coughing
6. You Can’t Win: At a garage sale, a farmer sold a couple of his old hoes. He then bought some new hoes and then the 4H Club accused him of trafficking in hoes.
7. I’m not surprised my Stud Finder keeps pointing at me
8. In Brooklyn if you request an ax, you must “aks for an ax”
9. The offensive term “Monkeywrench” has been given the less politically charged name of Primatewrench
10. DIY: How to Properly Screw – Whenever I need to screw something, I always take my time to do it right and think of the wood’s feelings too. I usually drill a little pilot hole and then grease it up for easier insertion. After making sure my nuts are nearby, but out of the way, I’ll introduce the screw and slowly and carefully put it in. Sometimes the wood is unforgiving and I have to get a little rough, which is OK as long as it’s in service of a nice tight bond – so they’re both mutually clinging to each other. And then when it’s over and the screw has become one with the wood, I linger for a bit and never just bolt when I’m through. This is called the resolution phase or afterdrill. It’s a very important step and paves the way for future screwings. Sometimes I have to rest between fastenings, but after a while, something woody appears and I’m ready for my next screwing.

 

Edited Out

11. Happiness is a warm Nail Gun
12. The Soldiers Soldering Iron Cross is awarded to a GI who valorously welds things on the field of battle.

 

Just finished watching the Mormon version of The Bachelor. Wow!
He narrowed it down to 4 women, and then married all of them.

1. Pick up stuff…put it someplace where she can’t see it
2. Erase chalk outline of body on garage floor leftover from last year’s “incident”
3. Freshen-up the spittoons and clean the boot scraper
4. Collect all the desiccated birds from the attic without disturbing “mother”
5. Do laundry or buy more clothes
6. Figure out where those Gregorian chants are coming from in the basement
7. Put things in their place
8. Make room so there are places to put things
9. Hope I don’t get slapped again when I suggest to the maid we do some “feather dusting” in the butler’s pantry
10. Stop telling guests the bidet is an ADA-compliant drinking fountain
11. Rearrange the dust on everything so it’s evenly dispersed
12. Toss out the mini travel toothpaste tube I’ve been using for 8 months. I swear I squeezed more toothpaste out of it than they put into it.
13. Do the dishes
14. Screw the dishes. Buy paper plates and plastic sporks.
15. Vacuum all the dead bugs lying on the window sills
16. Vacuum all the live bugs swirling around the bananas
17. Change the air filter in the cold air return…Check that. Install an air filter in the cold air return
18. Change the sheets or ask the mice to please sleep on the other side
19. Flush the toilet in the guest room. Check that. Wait a minute? There is no bathroom in the guest room. That ain’t good.
20. Play the Beatles while I do my chores. Maybe some Steely Dan too.
21. Evict the guy who’s been squatting in my storage shed for the last 3 months. Check that. Tell my uncle he has to move out of the storage shed by Wednesday – and to stop that Gregorian chanting.

 

Edited Out

• Fireproof house with inexpensive asbestos paint
• To stop the walls from breathing, stop taking after dinner gummies
• Ask a neighbor what day they actually pick-up the trash
• Note to Self: Wash behind ears. In fact, wash behind anything that dangles.
• Screw the house and just sleep in my car parked at Costco, eat their hot dogs and rotisserie chickens and let them worry about keeping a bathroom clean.

You Never Have to Tell Us Again

1. We no longer need to be reminded that “X” was formerly known as Twitter
2. I’m not concerned if the book I’m reading was printed on equipment used in processing tree nuts
3. Conversely you never needed to change Datsun to Nissan, Bombay to Mumbai or Betty Persky to Lauren Bacall
4. Safety in the Wild: How many times must we be told that if you’re out walking in nature and you’re confronted by a Grizzly Bear you should start singing YMCA; it confuses the bear. Conversely, whenever I’ve been approached by an elephant I befriend him by saying, “How you got into my pajamas I’ll never know?”  
5. Safety in the Wild II: How many times must we be told that if you’re out walking in nature and you’re confronted by an angry snail, you should make yourself look really big, so it’ll think twice about attacking you. Conversely, if you’re approached by an aggressive ground squirrel you should roll yourself up into a submissive ball and offer to hold its nuts.
6. More Safety in the Wild: And how many times must we be told that if you’re out walking among Mormons you should make yourself look like you already have 2 wives, that way they’ll be less likely to propose. They say, when in Morm, do as the Mormons do – right? Conversely, if you’re ever confronted by a Jehovah’s Witness you should make it appear that you have poor powers of observation. That way they’ll avoid you because they know you’d make a very bad Witness.
7. To all websites: Unless I’m at a bakery, I don’t want any of your damn “cookies”
8. We all completely understand that if we’re experiencing a life-threatening emergency, we’ll call 9-1-1. We’re not going to call our optometrist or dentist after hours if we’re losing consciousness.
9. No one except Julius Caeser has ever had to “Beware the Ides of March.” Retire the phrase please.
10. Even though we know our call matters to you, no one will ever listen closely just because “some of your options may have changed.”
11. No one ever needs to open any letter addressed to Current Resident. Or has ERCLOT or Electronic Service Requested printed on it. But especially if it has Personal and Confidential on the envelope. If I ever send something personal and confidential to someone, I’m never going to advertise that it’s personal and confidential to potential prying eyes.
12. No one will ever, ever take a shower before getting into a pool unless it’s with a naked loved one, in which case who cares if there’s a pool