Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category
My Middle Eastern Misunderstanding
While touring in Jerusalem, I got into a confusing conversation with my tour guides Said Abdullah and his brother Aviv.
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I asked Said if people from Yemen were friendly.
Said said, “There are no enemy Yemeni. Any enmity with the Yemeni is cockamamie.”
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Me: You’re sure there are no enemy Yemeni?
Said: Yemen, I’m Syrias.
Me: You’re Syrias? OK. Does your brother know about all this?
Said: No, but I plan to Tel Aviv.
Me: Interesting. Well allow me to Babylon. Did you know that when you tell a lie it’s “instant bull?”
Said: No. Istanbul is in Turkey.
Me: It is? I can’t keep my Bosporus Strait. Do you remember that Beatle song where they sing ♫Strawberry Fields Nothing Israel ♫?”
Said: Iraq my brain, but I don’t know that song. However I do know the Beatle song where they sing, ♫You say Dubai and I say Hello ♫.
Me: After this can we visit the pyramids in Egypt?
Said: Well we could go, or we Kuwait.
Me: What do you think of the pyramids at Giza?
Said: The pyramids are perfect, but the Sphinx stinx. See the thing of it is is israel wants us to stay.
Me: Is it true that when in Jerusalem you do as the Jerusalemanians do
Said: This Israeli true.
Me: What Israeli true?
Said: That we are not going to the pyramids. We went once and got ripped-off by a fellow tour guide – Egypt us.
Me: OK. I’m just glad the COVID scare is over. Da masks were Syria-sly bad.
Said: Yes. Damascus, Syrias.
Me: Oman. That Israeli true. Hey Said, what do you call someone’s father who works for Ziploc?
Said: That’s easy. Baghdad.
How the World Would be Different if Everybody Looked Like Karl Malden
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The birth rate would drop to 0
- You’d hear a lot more “Y’know, you remind me of somebody”
- People would be a lot nosier
- 10 Most Wanted Posters would generate a lot of false positives
- It would’ve been a lot easier to chisel Mount Rushmore
- Spice Girls a lot less popular
- In the TV show Streets of San Francisco, it’d be real hard to tell Karl Malden from Michael Douglas
- Stunt doubles would no longer have to hide their faces
- There’d be no cute Beatle
- Christianity in jeopardy. Worshipers would find it hard to pray to Karl Malden.
- We’d all have faces only a mother could love
- Porn industry would come to a screeching halt
- The Phantom of the Opera wouldn’t bother with a mask
- 90% of doctors would go into rhinoplasty.
- Stocks of facial recognition companies would tank
- The movie Titanic would definitely lose its edge
- Police sketch artists…out of business
- Interest in Kate Upton would drop significantly.
- And of course, Chuck Norris would still look like Chuck Norris
Today is National Ebenezer Day
Imagine a world where every person, place or thing is named Ebenezer:
- Prince would become, the artist formerly known as Ebenezer
- Jeopardy questions suddenly a whole lot easier
- Determining sexual consent might be a problem: “Would you mind if I kissed you on the Ebenezer?”
- Wouldn’t have to worry about mispronouncing the city of Yuzhnoukrainsk in Mykolaiv Oblast…or any city in any Oblast
- Dinner parties would be tricky: “Would you please pass the Ebenezer”
- Hey Jude becomes Hey Ebenezer
- The horse that guy rode through the desert on that he thought had no name…Ebenezer
- The answer to the song’s question Say my name, Say my name…Ebenezer
- Chuck Norris… Still Chuck Norris
- In Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” Tiny Tim would become Tiny Ebenezer
- The phrase “We can’t cater to every Tom Dick and Harry,” becomes ”We can’t cater to every Ebenezer Ebenezer and Ebenezer.”
- Bjórk…Ebénézér
- Wasted away again in Ebenezerville
- That Paul Simon song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” would have to be seriously reworked.
- Consumer reports would always recommend Ebenezer brand
- While lovemaking, you could never yell out the wrong name
- All anonymous sources would be named Ebenezer
- GPS would be impossible. Unless of course you were going to Ebenezer.
The point is we’d all be Scrooged.
What’s in a Name?….All Hale! Ethan Nathan Lane
Lesser Known Facts About the State of Ohio
- State Flower – The Orange Traffic Cone
- State Flour – Durum Semolina
- Number of Museums Dedicated to Rock & Roll – 1
- Number of Museums Dedicated to the Partridge Family – 0
- Scariest Lake – Lake Eerie
- State Joke: Q. What do young Stags see out of? A. Buckeyes.
- State Electrical Unit – The Ohm
- State Chanting Unit – The Om
- City That is Most Thanked – Cleveland. As in “Thank you Cleveland! You’ve been great.”
- State Fly – The Zipper
- State Zipper – The Fly
- State Bird – Roadrunner (Yes, the one the Coyote is after)
- State Fragrance – Kumquat Spice
- State Flag – Pennant-shaped. Technically a “burgee” shape. Flag has 17 stars because it was the 17th state when admitted in 1803
- State Candy – M&M
- State Rapper – Also Eminem
- State Motto – Ohio: First in Lubrication
- State Cannabis Motto – “Ohhh, High, Ohhh”
- State Capitol – Ɏ (This is the symbol for the state capitol formerly known as Columbus, who’s not too popular these days)
Ohio is still annoyed by those little Dayton bicycle makers – the Wright Bros. – who had to go all the way to Kitty Hawk, NC for the world’s first flight. What, they couldn’t spend those 11 seconds on the shores of Lake Erie?
Q: What state is Ohio in?
A: Ohio is a state.
Q: I mean what state…is Ohio in?
A: Oh, you mean like flux or ignorance.
- Yeah.
- Well I’d say Ohio was in a state of Denali.
- You mean denial.
- No. Denali. They want to be Mt McKinley, but they’re about 18,000 ft short.
JK Rowling Releases Chronological Bootleg Versions of the Harry Potter Series
- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stove – Foodies rejoice. Harry and Co. hold you spellbound while conjuring magical dishes on Dumbledore’s hot plate
- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secretions – Pubescent Harry locks himself in the bathroom and wrestles with the forces of acne
- Harry Potter and the Pensioner of Azerbaijan – The widow Taskin asks a conflicted Harry to materialize a few Euros to tide her over till her Social Security check arrives
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Egg Yolks – Harry and the Gang hop on the bodybuilding band wagon through liquid supplements. He gets so buff his Nimbus 2000 can barely move under the newly acquired weight.
- Harry Potter and the Ardor of the Penis – Sometimes a young wizard’s best friend is his other magic wand
- Harry Potter and the Half Blood Sausage – A botched breakfast order at an Ipswich Denny’s unleashes a cascade of evil breakfast meats Harry must contain
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Shallows – When several young wizards are found drowned in a 6” wading pool, Harry has to get to the bottom of it – the case and not the pool
Comping soon: Harry Potter and the Very Profitable Sequel
Conversations I’ve Had in 2022
Me: So what do you do for a living?
Them: I’m a typesetter.
Me: Really. They still have those? Where do you work?
Them: In the 1700s.
Me: OK. Well that’s a long way from here. How do you get there?
Them: Time machine.
Me: Why don’t you get a job in the here and now?
Them: Because they don’t have these type jobs here.
Conversations I’ve Had in 1722
Me: So what do you do for a living?
Them: I’m a word processor.
Me: Hmmm. Never heard of that. Where do you work?
Them: In the 2200s.
Me: Really. And how do you get there?
Them: Time machine.
Me: Why don’t you get a job in the here and now?
Them: Too much of a process.
Me: I know a guy you could job share with. Maybe you’ve met him on your commute.
If You Are Reading This and Are Experiencing a Medical Emergency…
Stop reading and dial 911. You stupid putz.
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I mean, do you really need to be told this?
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And if you are actually “dialing” 911, I think the medical emergency is the least of your problems.
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STEAL Away a Few Moments with Dave’s Dictionary
~Burglary – To steal a guy named Larry
~Burglaries – Stealing more than one Larry. The French call it Tuileries.
~Burgle – A modified bugle with an “r” in it to wake up pirates in the morning. It blares out an “Rrrrrrrrr.”
~Burgled – When you’ve stolen a hamburger. As in: He burgled a burger at Burger King
~Inexplicableness – I’d like to define it, but I can’t quite describe it
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