Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Hardiman Reviews Copycat Novels You Should Avoid

 

In Ray Bradbury’s dystopian chiller Fahrenheit 451, we come to learn that 451° is the temperature at which paper burns. And this particular paper is incinerated courtesy of a fascist state that’s burning books to discourage critical thinking and to promote unswerving compliance to their repressive regime. It’s a cautionary tale that has become a literary and cultural touchstone.

 

Fahrenheit 451 portrays the far-reaching consequences of unexamined groupthink and it has spawned copycat novels of considerably less gravitas that portray the near-reaching consequences of examined triviality. Say what? Say this: These flimsy, opportunistic novels piggybacking on the shoulders of the more magisterial Fahrenheit 451 are to be avoided. One may wonder if this comparison is some kind of joke. And the answer is yes. Yes it is some kind of joke. Humorous warnings about unworthy copycat novels is not an easy premise to wrap your mind around. But I’ve done all the wrapping and unwrapping for you and I present your unwrapped present, presently. All you have to do is the reading.

 

So as a service to humanity and my  6  faithful readers (alright, 3 faithful readers including me), I’ve taken time out of Day 2608 of my retirement to highlight some of these gravitas-deficient books. I present them to you before they’re mercy-burned by the National Book Club for being so epically inconsequential.

 

Hardiman’s Review of Fahrenheit 451 Copycat Novels You Should Avoid

 

• Fahrenheit 212° – In Europe this book is sold as Celsius 100°. It boils down to this: It’s the exact same idea, just on a different scale. Hard pass.
• “Fahrenheit, Fahrenheit, Fahrenheit” – In this reboot of the Brady Bunch franchise, Marsha changes her name to Fahrenheit. The book’s title derives from sister Jan’s exasperation with Fahrenheit always getting things her way, causing Jan to whine, “Fahrenheit, Fahrenheit, Fahrenheit.” It’s a surprisingly entertaining book, especially in chapter 8 when Fahrenheit convinces Davy Jones to perform at her high school’s prom.
• 50 Shades of Fahrenheit – Things heat up very quickly in this steamy novel of forbidden temperature-taking. It’s original title was Hide the Thermometer. The entire time I was reading it, all I could think was, “Don’t go there. Please don’t go there.” And then it went there. Not only is it a novel of little value, but I could’ve done without the illustrations.
• Fahrenheit 271 – In this dense philosophic treatise we learn that 271° is the temperature at which Play-Doh burns. That’s all well and good. But then the author says it’s also the temperature at which Socrates burns. Hmmm. We strain to understand why he’s discussing the combustibility of Play-Doh and Socrates until we realize he spelled Play-Doh incorrectly. He meant to compare Plato and Socrates, not Play-Doh and Socrates. I’m told the publisher cancelled his other essay where he attempts to compare Silly Putty and Aristotle.
• Fahrenheit 61 – A glacially paced and less than startling novel. We go through 321 pages of drivel to discover Fahrenheit 61 is the temperature at which most people decide, “Yup, better bring a sweater.” Is this literature or just normal self-care?
• Fahrenheit 116 – The author claims 116° is the temperature when seagulls go (not “say” but “go”) “This incarnation sucks. It’s 116° and there’s no place to land but on scorching asphalt. Man my webs are really barking today.” To me, seagulls are the carp of the air. The book seems to be offering the thoughts of a seagull. Nah, pass on this one – Jonathan Livingston Seagull it ain’t.
• Fahrenheit 92 – When you discover that 92° is the temperature when cheese begins to melt, you’ll be asking yourself, “And this is important because…?” The book claims to “blow the lid off of the secretive Kraft Velveeta skunk works” in Wisconsin. Well there are no “Velveeta skunk works” in the Cheesehead state. Velveeta is openly manufactured in Monroe, NY. A word to the wise, if you weren’t lactose-intolerant before you read this cheesy book, you will be afterward.
• Fahrenheit 42 – Inconsequentiality at its best: It’s the temperature at which Fudgies begin to melt. Not too significant to you maybe, but try telling that to the Bowery Boys on a steamy summer day in sweltering New York City and suddenly it becomes a real issue. Real fast. Fast and Slurryious!
• Burned at the Stake: The Salem Witch Trials – This scientific take on the trials is more about the temperature at which possessed bodies combust, and less about alleged witchcraft. You know you’re in trouble when the author writes, “These nerdy witches really quality-controlled their spells. In fact they wouldn’t even consider casting a spell until they ran it through Spell Check”. The whole book reads like some kind of Witch Hunt or something.
• The Daniel Fahrenheit Story – A biography of the inventor of the thermometer. It measures his life in varying degrees. The book describes his intellectual break with fellow temperature measurers Anders Celsius and Lord Kelvin when in chapter 7 Fahrenheit explains, “I always said that the mouth was fine for taking a temperature. But Celsius had been drinking and says, ‘Y’know where else we could put it?’ And the idea stuck – he’s such an ass. And as for Lord Kelvin, my God! The man is an absolute zero.”
• Fahrenheit 146 – It’s the average atmospheric temperature the Earth must reach before Global Warming deniers will believe in climate change. In this hydro-thrilling tale, after the polar ice caps melt, the last million people are clinging to life atop Mount Everest eating the few remaining Clif Bars. And of that remaining million, the author informs us that almost 65,000 are named L’il Uzi. Huh?
• Fahrenheit 3.14159 – The author claims it’s the temperature at which pi melts. WT? It’s written by the same guy who patented the term, “May the Fourth be with you.” I can’t recommend this book. It’s irrational and just goes in circles.
• Braille 451 – It’s Fahrenheit 451, but for blind people. In this tale of graduated discovery, the sight-disadvantaged are instructed to fondle the bumps on a special thermometer to determine the temperature. At the end of the novel it’s revealed that what they’ve been fondling is not a thermometer.
• Fahrenheit -33 – -33° is the theoretical temperature at which all conversation comes to a complete standstill because it’s just too f*cking cold to move your lips.  
• Fahrenheit: Fair in Height – A botched attempt at homonymically titling a biography of Daniel Fahrenheit. When the crazed biographer writes, “Fahrenheit is fair in height and mercurial in nature” we know it’s time to put the book down and dial 911.
• Fahrenheit 98.6 – It’s a temperate, metaphoric call to accepting all sexual orientations. We are reminded that 98.6 is the temperature of homeostasis. We are also reminded that it’s the temperature of heterostasis thereby proving the maxim that “love is love and temperature is temperature.” It’s a loving reminder that we all share same-temperature tendencies. Whether we measure it in Fahrenheit, Celsius or Kelvin, we’re all measuring the same thing.
• Green Eggs and Fahrenheit – Dr. Seuss attempts to turn a white egg green, by making it very envious. I did not like this book. I did not like it… (and at this point I refuse to launch into Dr. Seuss prose).
• Fahrenheit 160 – A group of mountaineers set out to prove that water boils at 160° atop Everest at 29,000 feet. After withstanding grueling hardships and the loss of 6 fingers (amongst the party) they discover that yes, it does. But they also discover that they could’ve conducted the experiment in half an hour at 29 feet in an altitude-modified hyperbaric chamber.

 

Are you enjoying reading this and participating in my little mentally orchestrated bookshelf? Just like they do in the movies sometimes, I too like to break the 4^th wall and talk directly to my readers (the faithful 2 excluding me) in kind of a shared experience of knowingness. It strengthens our bonds and makes us feel more connected – not just to each other, but to the universe at large (and it is large, isn’t it?).

In this way we are reminded we’re not just some alienated, stand-alone unit cast out onto an indifferent universe not knowing what to do. And how do we know this? Well, we’ve always known it, we’ve just forgotten it due to our immersion in predicaments and circumstances I can’t account for.

I do know how to get behind it sometimes so I don’t feel like I’m just some silly figure surrounded by uncontrollable circumstances. A little boundary dissolving is a good thing. I know that what I say is true .0001% of the time, which means it’s really true all the time. Remember, time is a malleable dimension, except when you’re passing a kidney stone – then it likes to stop and stand still.

And because this is the end, I’m going to finish it with 2 periods..

Please Consider this Exciting and Eerie Career Featuring Killer Benefits and Lethal Clichés  

• Urn while you Burn
• Watch while your best work goes up in smoke
• Compliant cadavers are never a pain in the ash
• Job Burnout? Not a problem. In fact, it’s encouraged.
• Job Security? Not a problem. In fact, you get to fire people all the time.
• As a frontline Cinder Chef, you’ll have a platform for making inappropriate jokes to bereaved families:
  1. Well, the good news is that Gladys now has a smokin’ hot body
  2. Did you know you’re not supposed to cremate bodies in months that have “embers” in them?
  3. I’m sure Rupert will always carry a torch for you
  4. His ashes? Oh, that cremains to be seen
     

     This crematorium will ensure your final journey is well urned.

• Recognition? Retirees are eligible for the CHF (Crematorium Hall of Flame)
• Learn more by watching the Discovery series: Deadliest Match. Or the Food Network’s Diners, Drive-ins and Corpses
• COVID Compliance? Now offering No Contact Drive-thru Incineration

 

Note to Applicants: We’re pleased to announce that business is dead. So much so that we are looking for self-starters to consider a career as an Ignition Mortician. Think of it as a different kind of Tinder. Job interviews are very thorough, but don’t worry, you won’t be grilled. We look forward to hearing from you. We’ll keep a candle for you, burning in the oven.

1. Marcel Tourette…The F-Bomber
2. Picasso…Artie
3. Jesus Christ…L’il Lord Jay-C
4. Pope John Paul II…Ringo
5. Prince…</}_{\>
6. Joe Biden…Joe Biden
7. Tuesday Weld…Ash Wednesday
8. Rock Hudson…Gaylord
9. Andy Warhol…Whitey (but only for 15 minutes)
10. Queen Elizabeth II…Cuddles
11. Calvin Lindbergh (Charles Lindbergh’s younger, less successful brother)…Unlucky Lindy
12. Cherilyn Sarkisian…Cher (This is the only true nickname listed)
13. Hitler…Herr Trigger
14. Geronimo…Sitting Bull
15. Sitting Bull…Geronimo

1. Karl: Call me sentimental, but I always carry some of my mother’s ashes with me.
    Hans: I thought you said your mother was still alive?
    Karl: Oh, she is.
2. Boy oh boy, my probation officer can really go through a roll of toilet paper.
3. Harold: Phil, what did you mean by I’d “look good in a halter top”?
     Phil: Let’s just forget I ever said that OK Harold?
4. George: Hey Calvin, I’m really sorry about your bathroom in the basement.
    Calvin: There is no bathroom in my basement.
5. It makes perfect sense that the Flemish are snotty. And if they can’t take a joke then phleg-m

Sponsored: Today I’m raisin awareness for National Dried Grape Day! Honor this day by purchasing some dried grapes or spending an hour in the bathtub.

Notes from the Self-congratulatory

1. Glenn Close lost for Best Supporting Actress. She was close though. She always is. After all, she is Glenn Close.
2. It was later revealed she declined a marriage proposal from Glen Campbell because she didn’t want to be known as Glenn Campbell.
3. The rudderless, host-less ceremony had former hosts Bob Hope, Johnny Carson and Billy Crystal spinning in their graves. And even though Billy Crystal is still alive, he was so offended he went out and bought a casket just so he could spin in sympathy with Hope and Carson.
4. WTPC (Way Too Politically Correct): If you looked closely you could see that all the Oscar statuettes were wearing little tiny masks
5. In what can only be recognized as the 2^nd sign of the apocalypse, the queen of cinema, Meryl Streep was neither nominated nor in attendance. Be worried. Be very worried.
6. Best Picture winner Nomadland surprised, but did not anger little children, who when asked their thoughts said, “Me surprised, but no mad.”
7. Maybe I’m getting old (alright I am getting old), but I didn’t know 90% of the attendees in the audience. I’ve never seen so many strangers on camera since they showed a crowd shot of the Super Bowl. Would large print name tags be so god awful?
8. Sir Anthony Hopkins, who won for Best Actor, was a no-show. Rumour (yes, the English spelling)…Rumour has it he was holed-up with Ms. Streep. Now I’m just in outright panic mode.
9. I propose next year’s show be more of an extravaganza hosted by the descendants of Hollywood mogul Louis B Mayer. That way it would be an Oscar-Mayer production. Hot Dog! Now I’m in picnic mode.

Archaeologists theorize that humans have been having sex since man began walking erect. The following is an analysis of the many flavors of sexual expression: 

1. Vanilla Sex – No known cure for this wildly popular and traditional flavor. Sex is a hunger that can only be satisfied temporarily, even though when it is satisfied, it feels like you’ll never be hungry for it again. Sexual archaeologists call this absurd choreography of human love, “the feelgood act of the last 200 million years.” As bad as things can get in this world, one can always point to sex and say, “Well, there it is in all its inexplicable ecstasy; and the beauty part is, it’s free (usually).
2. Cumin Sex – Cumin together is a rare and powerful moment
3. Pumpkin Spice Sex – Seasonal friskiness perfumed with the aroma of Autumnal Splendor. Available in Hallmark or Lifetime
4. Posh Spice Sex – It’s what David Beckham & Victoria Beckham enjoy
   

   Bend it like Beckham and maybe you’ll also wind up Posh. 

   4.5 Ginger Sex – Now that Marianne has left us one can still fantasize about Ginger

5. White Claw Sex – It hurt so good it made me spritz
6. Aural Sex – I’ve heard it’s good. Maybe a little earie, but good.
7. Consensual Sex – It’s how people in text books have sex
8. Heinz 57 Varieties Sex – Although variety is the spice of life, most people stop at #27 because they usually pull a muscle.
9. G-Rated Nerd’s Description of Post-Coital Sex – “My, my Rowena, that escalated and deescalated quickly”
10. Franken Sex – Not what you think, you monster. Franken Sex is when you have sex w/Al Franken
11. Love Potion #9 Sex Spell – A great hex for great sex
12. Nutmeg Sex – Happens if the partner is a nutty woman named Meg. Also true with Hazel.
13. Red Clover Sex – We suggest you try it repeatedly until it becomes Crimson and Clover, over and over.
14. Shamrock Shake Sex – So sweet and so satisfying, it leaves others green with envy and saying, “I rish” I had a Shamrock Shake.
15. Squishy, Squishy, Squishy – I don’t really know what I mean here, I just like to say, Squishy, Squishy, Squishy.

1. The Museum of Unionized Worker Bees – Feel all warm and fuzzy watching Worker Bees toil, knowing they’re earning a living wage and have weekends off. Testimonial: Sting says, “Hive visited it and the buzz is justified.”
2. The Museum of Onionized French Soup – If you think this museum is cheesy, you’re right. From age 6 to 12…I mean…Fromage 6 to 12 months old is used.
3. The Museum of Ants that are Aunts – Genealogical arthropod wranglers pair ant nieces and nephews with their ant aunts. This museum has more personality than North Korea. Carpenter ants say, “They nailed it.”
4. Museum of Monkey’s Uncles – Slated to close. Curator taken aback by surprise announcement saying, “Well I’ll be a Monkey’s Uncle.”
5. The Museum of 64 Year-old Vanna White’s 1987 Playboy Pictorial – This Museum is guaranteed to turn heads. Everything is done to the letter.
   

   If this picture bore some relation to the list, I might have something. As it is, I’m just an American Idle.

6. The Museum of How Jesus Christ Might Appear if He Were Alive Today – Spoiler Alert: It’s Bradley Cooper
7. The Museum of Subatomic Particles – Are they even trying here? It’s just an empty room. You’re told they’re all in there (muons, quarks, bosons). The docents just keep encouraging visitors to, “Squint really hard.” Highlights include random Dust Bunnies that frolic as haphazardly as Einstein’s hair.
8. The Museum of Tom Jones’ Concert-used, Sweat-stained Handkerchiefs – Straight from Caesar’s Palace to your museum’s refrigerated display cases. When Mr. Jones was asked if this arrangement was a bit peculiar, he emphatically replied, “It’s not unusual.”
9. The Museum of Torn Ticket stubs – Includes torn tickets from Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice concerts. In a ridiculously redundant practice, it even has torn ticket stubs from The Museum of Torn Ticket Stubs.
10. The Museum of Game Worn….I ran out of ideas on this one. Make up your own joke and get back to me.
11. The Museum of Discarded Starbucks Cups – They’re all there: Generic seasonal Holiday cups that all but cancel traditional Christmas, Pumpkin Spice cups that all but make us want to hang up and dial 911.
12. The Landfill Museum – Warning: Don’t be fooled. It’s not a museum. It’s really just the Truxton Landfill charging you money to come in and tramp around. It is said that the landfill’s owners are white trash. They call the accusation, “Garbage.” The entire enterprise stinks to high heaven.  
13. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Medical Advice – Listen to hours of recordings of businesses unrelated to health care, advise callers that “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.”
14. The Museum of Outtakes from the Audio Museum of businesses with nothing to do with health care saying, “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and put your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye.”
15. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Phone Tree Navigation Advice – Listen to hours of recordings where businesses advise callers to “Please listen carefully as some of our options have changed.”
16. The Museum of Remembering to Love One Another…Consensually – And to remember: We’re all just visitors.

1. Vitamin B3.14 – This appetite-suppressing vitamin reduces the desire for pi
2. Vitamin B911 – This newly synthesized B-Complex memory-blocker, helps a person to live a normal life after accidentally seeing their grandmother naked.
   

   10 year-old boy after ingesting these newly discovered vitamins and minerals.

3. Vitamin Bat Sh*t – This Common Sense Logic-blocker allows the weak-willed to attach themselves to any number of discredited conspiracy theories and believe them as gospel. Vitamin Bat Sh*t is found in abundance in the South’s municipal water systems.
4. Xanthan Gum – Not a necessary nutrient. I just like to draw attention to words that begin with X, but are pronounced as “Z.” Do you copy what I’m saying? – Xerox. My son Xavier, who plays the xylophone, feels similarly. Note: Xanthan Gum is chewy. I’m sorry. I meant to say that Xanthan Gum is available at Chewy.
5. Plutonium – Scientists are unclear as to the function of this unstable, fissile element. The PAL (Plutonium Advisory League) recommends a daily nano-dash of this radioactive material to help build patchy hair and bulging goiters. Note: Plutonium supplements should only be taken with a glass of heavy water
6. Mother Marium – Not a significant source of solace. Studies show it may lessen the severity of hammertoe.
7. Copper – Also not a significant source of solace. In fact it’s really just a slang underworld term for a 1930s policeman.
8. VitaminD – Not Vitamin D, but VitaminD. This cerebral accelerator allows the consumer to see through walls and even meet their inner child. Note: May contain LSD. Note to the note: Probably is LSD. Note to the note to the note: Alright, it is LSD – now go and enjoy.
9. Vita Vini Vidi Vici – Allows unsophisticated rubes to sound like they know how to speak Latin
10. ItaminVa – Same a Vita Vini Vidi Vici, but with Pig Latin
11. Vitamin See – Promotes superior vision. Some anti-vaxxer types avoid it, but it prevents scurvy if you’re nervy.
12. Frolic Acid – Sister compound to Folic Acid. Frolic Acid is reported to make older couples friskier. In Mayberry, it was the go-to supplement for Aunt Bea whenever Mr. Whipple visited.
13. Iron-E – A placebo iron supplement contains neither Iron nor Vitamin E, hence the irony of Iron-E
14. Molybdenum – No known benefit for this rare earth element. I just like to celebrate a word that contains the consecutive letters l-y-b-d. It’s remarkable that those random consonants “l-y-b-d” could somehow be a connective bridge for an actual word. This alphabetic kink of mine is not unlike the Xanthan Gum “Z” thing in #3. My Holy Grail of alphabetic curiosities however, is to find a naturally occurring word that contains the consecutive letters L-G-B-T-Q. Maybe Molgbtqenum? – a rare gender-identity element. It is theorized that people with too much Molgbtqenum could impregnate a statue.       And you’re right – It’s not easy being me, but it is a whole lotta fun.
15. Love Beam – Get on it. Stay on it. Don’t look back. Duality may be gaining on you.