Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Most of us are familiar with the story of the Midnight Ride of Paul Revere. The skilled silversmith and stout patriot galloped through the Massachusetts countryside to warn the citizens and alert the Minutemen of the impending British Invasion – not the Beatles 1964 invasion but the British Redcoats 1775 invasion. His Majesty’s Troops’ mission was to march to Lexington and Concord, secure the armory and powder houses, thereby disarming the revolutionaries.

 

It was little noted nor long remembered, but 1 week later he made another less mythologized ride. Almost lost to posterity but recently discovered in a blood-deprived area of my brain is the story of this other midnight ride of Paul Revere.

 

I’m pleased to present verbatim a brief discussion between Paul Revere and his wife Prudence Revere pertaining to the events of that other midnight ride on April 25^th 1775. 

 

 

Paul:          Pru, I think I’m gonna gallop over to Lexington for some milk. 

 

Prudence: What? Are you crazy it’s almost midnight. 

 

Paul:          Well you know how cranky our 15 children get if they don’t have their milk in the morning. 

 

Prudence: Oh, I see what’s going on here. You’re not going to Lexington at all are you ? You’re going over to Bunker Hill to see that Molly Pitcher woman. 

 

Paul:          Wha? No baby it’s you. It’s always been you. 

 

Prudence: Baby? You never call me baby. Is that what you call that little hussy of yours? 

 

Paul:          Pru, c’mon. What do you want me to call you “my sincerely appreciated helpmate.” I won’t be long. I’m just getting milk. It’s for the children. 

 

Prudence: Last week you went on another midnight ride with some flimsy excuse about there being 2 lanterns in the North Church steeple. What was that? Some kind of code? And then you came back at 6 in the morning all tired and spent…and with no milk.

 

Paul:          That was different Pru, I had to warn the people that the British were coming. 

 

Prudence: The British are coming? What are you talking about? We’re all British. Me thinks the British weren’t the only ones coming that night. And with that floozie Molly Pitcher. Shame. Shame. 

 

Paul:          Floozie? Who uses the term floozie? Where did you learn that? – From Reverend Dimmesdale? You see him a lot.

 

Prudence: I seek only spiritual guidance from Reverend Dimmesdale. Alright then, let me rephrase that – the wench Molly Pitcher. Point is I’m here with 15 kids and you’re out gallivanting in the countryside. 

 

Paul:          Pru, for the last time I’m going to a farm in Lexington to get some milk for tomorrow. It’s the only one open at this hour.

 

Prudence: And you couldn’t think of that at 7 o’clock? Whose farm is it anyway? 

 

Paul:          It’s old Mac Donald’s

 

Prudence: I heard he sold the place. Old Mac Donald had a farm. He’s in O-hi-o. 

 

Paul:          Did I say old Macdonald? I meant Pepperidge Farm. Yeah. They’ve got a new trot-thru window. 

 

Prudence: I know. I’m sorry Paul. I’m just antsy. I think I’ve got a bee in my bonnet what with the Puritan Festival coming up. How could I ever suspect you? You know I revere you Paul. 

 

With his wife’s suspicions allayed, he galloped off to Bunker Hill to see Molly Pitcher. And later that night his cries could be heard throughout the country side, “Paul Revere is coming! Paul Revere is coming!”

Oh Kleenex! My Kleenex!

 

When I place my nose deep in your tissue

I feel so depraved

Because what I issue in your tissue

‘tis mucous I’m afraid

 

Oh Kleenex! My Kleenex!

My fearful sneeze is thru

But I dare not look

To see that you took

All my nasal goo

 

Oh Kleenex! My Kleenex!

The filth I do deposit

Doth make me compelled

To open you up and see what’s beheld

 

Oh Kleenex! My Kleenex!

My mind is disturbed

For I can’t unsee the mayhem

It makes me perturbed

No I can’t unsee the gray phlegm

It makes me unnerved

 

Oh Kleenex! St. Kleenex!

Your tissues so absorb

The things I excrete

Straight out of my orb

I thank you I do

From my nasal cavity

And apologize greatly for my teenage depravity

 

Oh Kleenex! St. Kleenex!

Though you may think I’m being snotty

Be happy there’s toilet paper, right there by the potty 

For no matter what I’m wiping

‘tis you I adore

And no matter what I’m swiping

‘tis you I care for

 

Oh Kleenex! St. Kleenex!

You give so much, You ask so little

I need you now, to wipe my spittle.

 

1. What is Micronesia? Is that when you forget only a little bit. I can’t remember. It’s not the full-size “nesia”, it’s just a Micro-nesia.
2. Sequel to The Day the Earth Stood Still. The even more miraculous The Day My 2-year-old Stood Still.
3. “I like to order my fish with the head on so I know exactly what I’m getting.” “Yeah I do that too, but with veal.”
4. Male realtors admit; there looking for a turnkey girlfriend who’s move-in ready. A real head turner, and maybe a key turner too.
5. If a turkey is all ready to eat, does that make it a turnkey turkey?
6. Aren’t we all just end users?
7. I’m not growing old, I’m shrinking old
8. 

   A crime most foul (see how I didn’t say “fowl”). Killing 3 birds with one holiday.

   We love TurDucken (a chicken, stuffed into a duck inside a turkey), but we also want other types of 3-layered stuffed things:

   1. GiCamPo – That’s a polar bear stuffed into a camel inside a giraffe. Especially good for patients, who on the advice of their doctor, are on an all giraffe, camel and polar bear diet.
   2. A Black and White ZePandUnk – That’s a skunk stuffed into a panda inside a zebra. Comes in B&W.
   3. GriffBeaFife – That’s a Barney Fife stuffed into an Aunt Bea inside an Andy Griffith. “Mmmm Good Cracker.”
   4. PumpCoNimitz – That’s an aircraft carrier, stuffed into a coconut inside a pumpkin. They ate these on Gilligan’s Island. I think that’s how they survived in Micronesia, but I can’t quite remember.
9. If stuffing a turkey with idiots is outlawed, only outlaw idiots will be stuffed into turkeys. Think about that before you gobble.
10. I know.  I’m a little worried about all the turkey references too. I mean c’mon man, let it go.
11. I don’t know about the new guy. I’ve had 3 conversations with him and in each one he’s managed to work in the word “colo-rectal” several times.
12. Snap, Crackle and Pop get in over their heads down at the milk pond. It almost leads to the drowning of a very soggy Crackle.
13. A coolly disarming thing to say to a room full of high-powered strangers, “I just came in to see how big everybody’s egos were, and to create some standing for myself. Mission accomplished? I thought so.”
14. Aren’t we all just visitors?
15. If you want to avoid food poisoning, only eat oysters in months that have x’s in them
16. Most men are rescue boyfriends in need of a certified service girlfriend (warning: don’t pet them unless you get permission).
17. In Ireland large Leprechauns are discriminated against. Instead of a pot of gold they get a pot of coal.
18. He makes me nervous. Whenever we have a conversation he always refers to my “sit bones.”
19. Metamorphic rock is a metaphor for four formations formerly forgotten. I know, forced it. Forgive me.

 

1. 

   Remember when they were the supposed enemy?

   Communists suffer from Hammer & Sickle Cell Anemia

2. Children are sick of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda
3. All lobsters are shellfish. When was the last time one lent you a helping claw?
4. Empowered crabs say, “The world is our oyster.”
5. Steroidal mussels suffer from ‘roid rage
6. Stool pigeons told to clam up
7. Dog traces picture of cat after watching alpha dog do the same. The pack is calling it a copycat mime
8. The band “10 Years After” is getting back together and touring under the new name “50 Years Before”
9. Beethoven had a Bee in his thoven.
10. Midwives who live in halfway houses rarely go all the way

Hardiman Reviews Copycat Novels You Should Avoid

 

In Ray Bradbury’s dystopian chiller Fahrenheit 451, we come to learn that 451° is the temperature at which paper burns. And this particular paper is incinerated courtesy of a fascist state that’s burning books to discourage critical thinking and to promote unswerving compliance to their repressive regime. It’s a cautionary tale that has become a literary and cultural touchstone.

 

Fahrenheit 451 portrays the far-reaching consequences of unexamined groupthink and it has spawned copycat novels of considerably less gravitas that portray the near-reaching consequences of examined triviality. Say what? Say this: These flimsy, opportunistic novels piggybacking on the shoulders of the more magisterial Fahrenheit 451 are to be avoided. One may wonder if this comparison is some kind of joke. And the answer is yes. Yes it is some kind of joke. Humorous warnings about unworthy copycat novels is not an easy premise to wrap your mind around. But I’ve done all the wrapping and unwrapping for you and I present your unwrapped present, presently. All you have to do is the reading.

 

So as a service to humanity and my  6  faithful readers (alright, 3 faithful readers including me), I’ve taken time out of Day 2608 of my retirement to highlight some of these gravitas-deficient books. I present them to you before they’re mercy-burned by the National Book Club for being so epically inconsequential.

 

Hardiman’s Review of Fahrenheit 451 Copycat Novels You Should Avoid

 

• Fahrenheit 212° – In Europe this book is sold as Celsius 100°. It boils down to this: It’s the exact same idea, just on a different scale. Hard pass.
• “Fahrenheit, Fahrenheit, Fahrenheit” – In this reboot of the Brady Bunch franchise, Marsha changes her name to Fahrenheit. The book’s title derives from sister Jan’s exasperation with Fahrenheit always getting things her way, causing Jan to whine, “Fahrenheit, Fahrenheit, Fahrenheit.” It’s a surprisingly entertaining book, especially in chapter 8 when Fahrenheit convinces Davy Jones to perform at her high school’s prom.
• 50 Shades of Fahrenheit – Things heat up very quickly in this steamy novel of forbidden temperature-taking. It’s original title was Hide the Thermometer. The entire time I was reading it, all I could think was, “Don’t go there. Please don’t go there.” And then it went there. Not only is it a novel of little value, but I could’ve done without the illustrations.
• Fahrenheit 271 – In this dense philosophic treatise we learn that 271° is the temperature at which Play-Doh burns. That’s all well and good. But then the author says it’s also the temperature at which Socrates burns. Hmmm. We strain to understand why he’s discussing the combustibility of Play-Doh and Socrates until we realize he spelled Play-Doh incorrectly. He meant to compare Plato and Socrates, not Play-Doh and Socrates. I’m told the publisher cancelled his other essay where he attempts to compare Silly Putty and Aristotle.
• Fahrenheit 61 – A glacially paced and less than startling novel. We go through 321 pages of drivel to discover Fahrenheit 61 is the temperature at which most people decide, “Yup, better bring a sweater.” Is this literature or just normal self-care?
• Fahrenheit 116 – The author claims 116° is the temperature when seagulls go (not “say” but “go”) “This incarnation sucks. It’s 116° and there’s no place to land but on scorching asphalt. Man my webs are really barking today.” To me, seagulls are the carp of the air. The book seems to be offering the thoughts of a seagull. Nah, pass on this one – Jonathan Livingston Seagull it ain’t.
• Fahrenheit 92 – When you discover that 92° is the temperature when cheese begins to melt, you’ll be asking yourself, “And this is important because…?” The book claims to “blow the lid off of the secretive Kraft Velveeta skunk works” in Wisconsin. Well there are no “Velveeta skunk works” in the Cheesehead state. Velveeta is openly manufactured in Monroe, NY. A word to the wise, if you weren’t lactose-intolerant before you read this cheesy book, you will be afterward.
• Fahrenheit 42 – Inconsequentiality at its best: It’s the temperature at which Fudgies begin to melt. Not too significant to you maybe, but try telling that to the Bowery Boys on a steamy summer day in sweltering New York City and suddenly it becomes a real issue. Real fast. Fast and Slurryious!
• Burned at the Stake: The Salem Witch Trials – This scientific take on the trials is more about the temperature at which possessed bodies combust, and less about alleged witchcraft. You know you’re in trouble when the author writes, “These nerdy witches really quality-controlled their spells. In fact they wouldn’t even consider casting a spell until they ran it through Spell Check”. The whole book reads like some kind of Witch Hunt or something.
• The Daniel Fahrenheit Story – A biography of the inventor of the thermometer. It measures his life in varying degrees. The book describes his intellectual break with fellow temperature measurers Anders Celsius and Lord Kelvin when in chapter 7 Fahrenheit explains, “I always said that the mouth was fine for taking a temperature. But Celsius had been drinking and says, ‘Y’know where else we could put it?’ And the idea stuck – he’s such an ass. And as for Lord Kelvin, my God! The man is an absolute zero.”
• Fahrenheit 146 – It’s the average atmospheric temperature the Earth must reach before Global Warming deniers will believe in climate change. In this hydro-thrilling tale, after the polar ice caps melt, the last million people are clinging to life atop Mount Everest eating the few remaining Clif Bars. And of that remaining million, the author informs us that almost 65,000 are named L’il Uzi. Huh?
• Fahrenheit 3.14159 – The author claims it’s the temperature at which pi melts. WT? It’s written by the same guy who patented the term, “May the Fourth be with you.” I can’t recommend this book. It’s irrational and just goes in circles.
• Braille 451 – It’s Fahrenheit 451, but for blind people. In this tale of graduated discovery, the sight-disadvantaged are instructed to fondle the bumps on a special thermometer to determine the temperature. At the end of the novel it’s revealed that what they’ve been fondling is not a thermometer.
• Fahrenheit -33 – -33° is the theoretical temperature at which all conversation comes to a complete standstill because it’s just too f*cking cold to move your lips.  
• Fahrenheit: Fair in Height – A botched attempt at homonymically titling a biography of Daniel Fahrenheit. When the crazed biographer writes, “Fahrenheit is fair in height and mercurial in nature” we know it’s time to put the book down and dial 911.
• Fahrenheit 98.6 – It’s a temperate, metaphoric call to accepting all sexual orientations. We are reminded that 98.6 is the temperature of homeostasis. We are also reminded that it’s the temperature of heterostasis thereby proving the maxim that “love is love and temperature is temperature.” It’s a loving reminder that we all share same-temperature tendencies. Whether we measure it in Fahrenheit, Celsius or Kelvin, we’re all measuring the same thing.
• Green Eggs and Fahrenheit – Dr. Seuss attempts to turn a white egg green, by making it very envious. I did not like this book. I did not like it… (and at this point I refuse to launch into Dr. Seuss prose).
• Fahrenheit 160 – A group of mountaineers set out to prove that water boils at 160° atop Everest at 29,000 feet. After withstanding grueling hardships and the loss of 6 fingers (amongst the party) they discover that yes, it does. But they also discover that they could’ve conducted the experiment in half an hour at 29 feet in an altitude-modified hyperbaric chamber.

 

Are you enjoying reading this and participating in my little mentally orchestrated bookshelf? Just like they do in the movies sometimes, I too like to break the 4^th wall and talk directly to my readers (the faithful 2 excluding me) in kind of a shared experience of knowingness. It strengthens our bonds and makes us feel more connected – not just to each other, but to the universe at large (and it is large, isn’t it?).

In this way we are reminded we’re not just some alienated, stand-alone unit cast out onto an indifferent universe not knowing what to do. And how do we know this? Well, we’ve always known it, we’ve just forgotten it due to our immersion in predicaments and circumstances I can’t account for.

I do know how to get behind it sometimes so I don’t feel like I’m just some silly figure surrounded by uncontrollable circumstances. A little boundary dissolving is a good thing. I know that what I say is true .0001% of the time, which means it’s really true all the time. Remember, time is a malleable dimension, except when you’re passing a kidney stone – then it likes to stop and stand still.

And because this is the end, I’m going to finish it with 2 periods..

Please Consider this Exciting and Eerie Career Featuring Killer Benefits and Lethal Clichés  

• Urn while you Burn
• Watch while your best work goes up in smoke
• Compliant cadavers are never a pain in the ash
• Job Burnout? Not a problem. In fact, it’s encouraged.
• Job Security? Not a problem. In fact, you get to fire people all the time.
• As a frontline Cinder Chef, you’ll have a platform for making inappropriate jokes to bereaved families:
  1. Well, the good news is that Gladys now has a smokin’ hot body
  2. Did you know you’re not supposed to cremate bodies in months that have “embers” in them?
  3. I’m sure Rupert will always carry a torch for you
  4. His ashes? Oh, that cremains to be seen
     

     This crematorium will ensure your final journey is well urned.

• Recognition? Retirees are eligible for the CHF (Crematorium Hall of Flame)
• Learn more by watching the Discovery series: Deadliest Match. Or the Food Network’s Diners, Drive-ins and Corpses
• COVID Compliance? Now offering No Contact Drive-thru Incineration

 

Note to Applicants: We’re pleased to announce that business is dead. So much so that we are looking for self-starters to consider a career as an Ignition Mortician. Think of it as a different kind of Tinder. Job interviews are very thorough, but don’t worry, you won’t be grilled. We look forward to hearing from you. We’ll keep a candle for you, burning in the oven.

1. Marcel Tourette…The F-Bomber
2. Picasso…Artie
3. Jesus Christ…L’il Lord Jay-C
4. Pope John Paul II…Ringo
5. Prince…</}_{\>
6. Joe Biden…Joe Biden
7. Tuesday Weld…Ash Wednesday
8. Rock Hudson…Gaylord
9. Andy Warhol…Whitey (but only for 15 minutes)
10. Queen Elizabeth II…Cuddles
11. Calvin Lindbergh (Charles Lindbergh’s younger, less successful brother)…Unlucky Lindy
12. Cherilyn Sarkisian…Cher (This is the only true nickname listed)
13. Hitler…Herr Trigger
14. Geronimo…Sitting Bull
15. Sitting Bull…Geronimo

1. Karl: Call me sentimental, but I always carry some of my mother’s ashes with me.
    Hans: I thought you said your mother was still alive?
    Karl: Oh, she is.
2. Boy oh boy, my probation officer can really go through a roll of toilet paper.
3. Harold: Phil, what did you mean by I’d “look good in a halter top”?
     Phil: Let’s just forget I ever said that OK Harold?
4. George: Hey Calvin, I’m really sorry about your bathroom in the basement.
    Calvin: There is no bathroom in my basement.
5. It makes perfect sense that the Flemish are snotty. And if they can’t take a joke then phleg-m

Sponsored: Today I’m raisin awareness for National Dried Grape Day! Honor this day by purchasing some dried grapes or spending an hour in the bathtub.

Notes from the Self-congratulatory

1. Glenn Close lost for Best Supporting Actress. She was close though. She always is. After all, she is Glenn Close.
2. It was later revealed she declined a marriage proposal from Glen Campbell because she didn’t want to be known as Glenn Campbell.
3. The rudderless, host-less ceremony had former hosts Bob Hope, Johnny Carson and Billy Crystal spinning in their graves. And even though Billy Crystal is still alive, he was so offended he went out and bought a casket just so he could spin in sympathy with Hope and Carson.
4. WTPC (Way Too Politically Correct): If you looked closely you could see that all the Oscar statuettes were wearing little tiny masks
5. In what can only be recognized as the 2^nd sign of the apocalypse, the queen of cinema, Meryl Streep was neither nominated nor in attendance. Be worried. Be very worried.
6. Best Picture winner Nomadland surprised, but did not anger little children, who when asked their thoughts said, “Me surprised, but no mad.”
7. Maybe I’m getting old (alright I am getting old), but I didn’t know 90% of the attendees in the audience. I’ve never seen so many strangers on camera since they showed a crowd shot of the Super Bowl. Would large print name tags be so god awful?
8. Sir Anthony Hopkins, who won for Best Actor, was a no-show. Rumour (yes, the English spelling)…Rumour has it he was holed-up with Ms. Streep. Now I’m just in outright panic mode.
9. I propose next year’s show be more of an extravaganza hosted by the descendants of Hollywood mogul Louis B Mayer. That way it would be an Oscar-Mayer production. Hot Dog! Now I’m in picnic mode.

Archaeologists theorize that humans have been having sex since man began walking erect. The following is an analysis of the many flavors of sexual expression: 

1. Vanilla Sex – No known cure for this wildly popular and traditional flavor. Sex is a hunger that can only be satisfied temporarily, even though when it is satisfied, it feels like you’ll never be hungry for it again. Sexual archaeologists call this absurd choreography of human love, “the feelgood act of the last 200 million years.” As bad as things can get in this world, one can always point to sex and say, “Well, there it is in all its inexplicable ecstasy; and the beauty part is, it’s free (usually).
2. Cumin Sex – Cumin together is a rare and powerful moment
3. Pumpkin Spice Sex – Seasonal friskiness perfumed with the aroma of Autumnal Splendor. Available in Hallmark or Lifetime
4. Posh Spice Sex – It’s what David Beckham & Victoria Beckham enjoy
   

   Bend it like Beckham and maybe you’ll also wind up Posh. 

   4.5 Ginger Sex – Now that Marianne has left us one can still fantasize about Ginger

5. White Claw Sex – It hurt so good it made me spritz
6. Aural Sex – I’ve heard it’s good. Maybe a little earie, but good.
7. Consensual Sex – It’s how people in text books have sex
8. Heinz 57 Varieties Sex – Although variety is the spice of life, most people stop at #27 because they usually pull a muscle.
9. G-Rated Nerd’s Description of Post-Coital Sex – “My, my Rowena, that escalated and deescalated quickly”
10. Franken Sex – Not what you think, you monster. Franken Sex is when you have sex w/Al Franken
11. Love Potion #9 Sex Spell – A great hex for great sex
12. Nutmeg Sex – Happens if the partner is a nutty woman named Meg. Also true with Hazel.
13. Red Clover Sex – We suggest you try it repeatedly until it becomes Crimson and Clover, over and over.
14. Shamrock Shake Sex – So sweet and so satisfying, it leaves others green with envy and saying, “I rish” I had a Shamrock Shake.
15. Squishy, Squishy, Squishy – I don’t really know what I mean here, I just like to say, Squishy, Squishy, Squishy.