Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

These granulated spices are what drove much of the early explorations of man. A very risky business, but that’s how bad food tasted in the Dark Ages.
“Get me some flavor,” commanded the King. “I don’t care if you do sail off the edge of the earth.”

Give your fellow foodies Spice Rack Envy. At Herb’s House of Spices no seasoning is too insignificant, no flavor too arcane, no spice too exotic in marketing needless flavors to an increasingly demanding American palate. And thanks to the Food Network in elevating simple food prep to an exercise in must-have gastronomic satisfaction, Herb’s Spices has created more seasonings than you can shake a shaker at. In fact we’ve created a full line of Status Spices to impress your friends with your condiment acumen. These “all show, no go” spices are useless in the kitchen, but look great on the rack. A list of our popularly priced seasonings are presented below.

Herb’s Status Spices

1. Confectioners Cremains – Not what you think! Alright, exactly what you think. From our line of “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” spices.
3. Peanut-Infused Benadryl – Simultaneously creates and remedies anaphylactic shock in one convenient bottle.
5. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Marjoram – One pinch and you’ll agree: It’s not Marjoram. But I can’t believe it.
7. Black Pepper Matters – Socially conscious seasoning that recognizes the value of all spices.
9. Snalt –Imitation salt. For those on a sodium restricted diet.
11. Pulverized Granulated Powder – No known use. Created solely to induce not only “Spice Envy” but “Spice Awe” in busybodies who sneak peeks into your spice drawers. Disclaimer: Herb’s Spices believe no one should have an uninvited peek into your drawers.
13. Garlick Nuk – A stand-alone lickable Garlick Pacifier^® served separately from your entrée. For all those pain in the ass people who need to order everything on the side. Check out our full line of Lickables^® (some of which you must be over 21 to lick).
15. Mostspice – An economic alternative to Allspice.
17. Chinese 4-Spice – A budget Chinese 5-Spice at 80% the cost. Warning to Aluminum Allergy Sufferers: Chinese 4-Spice is made on machines also used in the processing of bauxite.
19. Papricka – A rude take on Paprika. Tastes great, but, just like sausage, you don’t want to see how it’s made.
21. Cardamom – Who the hell uses cardamom or even knows what it tastes like?
23. Cardadad – Patriarchal version of cardamom.
25. Turmeric – Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “Pass the turmeric,” I’d owe money.
27. Cannabis Buds – One pinch and you’ll understand why they are your buds.
29. A Dash of Kardashian – From what I’m told it goes down very easily.
31. Salt Paul – A religiously oriented spice alternative to Salt Peter.
33. Star Anus – As expected, tastes like sh*t.
35. Ground Chuck Berries – Limited supply. You do know he donated his body to science.
37. Demon Seed – From Lucifer’s groin to your table. Pure ick with just a dash of evil.
39. Ginger Spice – That would be Geri Halliwell from England’s Spice Girls and she’s not for sale.
41. Unattached Honey – Not really a spice. In fact, not really honey. Apparently this Unattached Honey enjoys short romances and long embraces. This spicy number can be found in the Personal Ads section of your grocer’s seasoning aisle.
43. Ground Molted Lobster Husks – A very popular seasoning among molted skin lovers who crave the briny, crunchy taste of Crustacea who’ve shed their exoskeleton. Note: Imitation Ground Molted Lobster Husks are also available for those who on the advice of a doctor are on a Ground Molted Lobster Husk restricted diet.
45. This is Not Your Father’s Fenugreek – New take on an old classic – the fenugreek, not your father.
47. Mrs. Dash’s Boy Toy, Mr. Abs – As expected it comes in a 6-pack and is available in shakable or Lickable^® form.
49. Finely Ground Pumice – A favorite in North Korea. It better be because it’s the only seasoning available.

A Therapeutic Rant Enabling Me to Exorcise My OCD Demons

Sir Stephen Hawking to Carl Douglas: “Surely not everyone was Kung Fu fighting.”

Everybody was? Really? Didn’t Carl “one-hit-wonder” Douglas realize that perhaps somebody, somewhere was not Kung Fu fighting. How about singing the more accurately descriptive “a few people were Kung Fu fighting,” instead of the lazy, fits-all lyrics “everybody was Kung Fu fighting.” I mean if we allow this level of lyrical imprecision to percolate into society, where does it end?

The Rolling Stones lamentably sang ♫I Can’t Get NO Satisfaction♫ – really Mick, None? In England in the mid-60’s. I think everybody knows that Mick was getting at least some satisfaction. Alright, maybe not everybody knows it, but many people do. I don’t want to be accused of the same imprecision by using the word everybody when I should’ve said “a few people.”

Calling out and correcting these overblown and inaccurate claims is the domain of someone who prefers to make our universe as tidy as possible. Someone like me. No, I mean it. Someone like me. No really, I’m pleading with you: Someone like me damn it! See how dangerous the slippery slope of misinterpretation is when you casually employ inexact expressions?

Don’t STOP

It’s bad enough that STOP signs don’t change to GO after we’ve stopped. Those smug octagonal signposts think they can just command us to act and expect us to sheepishly comply. And when we do comply, then what? In the absence of a subsequent instruction I’d like to know what the expectation is. The peremptory command to STOP means just that. I see no interpretive wiggle room to assume that at some point we may GO. However millions do. I’m proud to say I’ve sat at STOP signs for hours waiting for some indication as to what to do after I’ve stopped. Usually an encouraging honk and a few words of encouragement from the exasperated motorist behind me is enough for me to, “Get movin’ assh*le.” Read the rest of this entry »

Col. Tomcat Gizmo of the 351st Fighting Felines

Cats view World War II differently than humans do. Several books on the subject of feline heroism have been written by cats, including Saving Private Mittens and Band of Pussies. One problem in highlighting the heroic actions of WWII cats is that most who fought in WWII are either in Veterinarian Homes or were put to sleep decades ago. Some have managed to pass down their stories over several litters using the oral tradition of tongue-to-fur storytelling. Their stories have become a little confused, but using new FurSpeak® technology, I’ve taken the time to decipher and catalogue the compelling and inspirational stories of the 351^st Fighting Felines so that everyone can appreciate the greatest generation of pussies. Read the rest of this entry »

1. The crusty corners of macaroni & cheese
2. Knowing that God is great. But perhaps wishing he had fewer Franchises.
3. Remembering your first kiss. Even if your lips were pressed against a mirror.
4. Wikipedia. Admit it.
5. Remembering your first open-mouthed kiss. Even if it was with someone named Fido.
6. The fact we all have 206 bones. Except for “Shaggy” Rogers from Scooby-Doo. He only had 205. No backbone.
7. Enjoying a good yawn, a good sneeze, a good sigh…or any other good bodily discharge
8. And speaking of sneezing: Who amongst us didn’t say “God bless you” the first time they heard someone say “Machu Picchu?”
9. The simple joy of watching a Hogan’s Heroes Alright, watching back to back Hogan’s Heroes episodes. OK binge-watching Season 3 of Hogan’s Heroes in one sitting. Alright. Watching all 168 episodes consecutively while wearing an adult diaper. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.
10. Experiencing the white man’s overbite pleasure of rockin’ the bathroom while playing nude air guitar.
11. Screw National Poetry Month. The only month worth celebrating is National Cheeseburger Month.
12. The aquatic appreciation of the powerfully immaculate 5-second watery whoosh of a public toilet after we finish our business
13. During daylight savings time, springing the clocks ahead only 55 minutes and then secretly pocketing a cool 5 minutes for yourself on the down low.
14. Seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman outfit
15. Experiencing that thunderbolt of understanding when you’re watching the Oscars and the revered actress Eva Marie-Saint casually refers to a guy named Fred Hitchcock. And then boom! Suddenly you realize she’s talking about Alfred Hitchcock.

The Winter Olympics are to the Summer Olympics what Arena Football is to the NFL. And while I hope everyone enjoys the Winter Olympics, I’m going to pay about as much attention to them as I do Arena Football’s Cleveland Gladiators. It’s remarkable there’s so much interest in the Winter Olympics considering the entire wintry spectacle is based on nothing more than sliding. Sliding around on some form of frozen water. In actuality there are really just two events – sliding on skis and sliding on skates. And if you think about it, there’s really just one event because skates are just very small skis used for sliding.

And somehow from this singular principle of controlled sliding the Olympic Committee has concocted 102 distinct events, all involving doing something unique while sliding around on frozen H2O. And they’re even awarding medals depending on how fast, accurately or artistically you can control your sliding. Countries take this very seriously and spend a lot of money sending their best sliders to the Olympics. It’s contagious really. For example guess what the most popular menu item is at the Olympic Village cafeteria? – Sliders. 

The XXIII Winter Olympics are being held in Pyeongchang, South Korea, which is not to be confused with Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea. And hopefully never to be confused with pying pyong, which is what I believe they call table tennis in Korea.   Read the rest of this entry »

Girl Scouts of America’s proposed new logo.

Girl Scouts of America (GSA) have taken what was traditionally a little charitable bake sale and transformed it into a sophisticated glucose delivery system. Frantic sales scenes like the following have been reported all across America as a kind of cookie-mania has swept over our nations medical marijuana dispensaries.

Near the entrance to Pot Shots in Portland, OR, 9-year old Becky Galvin was all dressed up in her freshly pressed Girl Scout uniform when she looked up at red-eyed Eddie Miller and observed, “You look like you could use a box of my Thin Mints.”

“How much for a box,” blurted-out a fidgety Mr. Miller?

A match made in marketing heaven.

“Five dollars sir,” politely answered Becky.

“I’ll take 20.” Mr. Miller quickly tossed a C-note on the portable plastic table Mrs. Galvin had purchased recently at Costco and in the span of 2 minutes, 19 boxes were loaded into the meshed netting of his 2008 Honda Element. He reserved one box for his personal use in the front seat.

“This box’ll be empty before I ever get home,” Mr. Miller remarked before mistakenly wishing Becky good luck on her new religion.    Read the rest of this entry »

1.  I like mine with a Downy Fabric Softener chaser
   

   Way better than candy corn, these colorful chemical compounds get your bowels surprisingly clean. Now with lemon-freshened phosphates.

2. Beats eating clumping cat litter – that’s really stupid.
3. Looks good on a resume: if you’re trying to get into a loony bin.
4. Allowed me to say to my girlfriend, “Yeah, well who’s cool now?”
5. It’s financially rewarding. I won a $20 bar bet. So what if it cost $3400 in emergency room bills. 
6. 4 out of 5 dentists agree: It is the cheapest way to whiten your teeth. (the 5th one recommends brushing with bleach).
7. Who needs Mentos and Coke when you’ve got Tide Pods?
8. Some see deadly chemical compounds. I see bright and shiny Halloween candy.
9. After eating one I like to get very agitated. That way you can really work it through your system.
10. When all is eaten and done, at least you get a free anal bleaching. It left my poop chute sparklingly clean and daisy fresh…from what I was told. 
11. Proctor & Gamble has had Tide Pods designated as a vegetable and therefore eligible for school lunches programs
12. What better way to tell the world you’re a certifiable moron.
13. Nutritionist warn it’s not a good idea to eat Tide Pods, however they do agree it’s a good source of dietary borax.
14. From Young Sheldon: How can you not deny the pleasure of ingesting non-ionic surfactants?

A sliver of the future: Space Tourism. It’s what’s for dinner.

Be here now. You here it all the time. Be in the moment – that’s where it’s at. And while I don’t doubt the merit in being “present,” I also believe in expanding my awareness to include the future. To that end I’ve spent years practicing techniques that allow me to slither through cosmic wormholes and experience the future. I’ve become quite adept at it and sometimes I experience the future like there’s no tomorrow (so to speak). Unfortunately the interdimensional gatekeepers prevent time travelers like me from bringing back any of the good stuff. Instead I’m relegated to one duty-free keepsake memory from the future. After declaring this approved memory from a list of duty-free recollections, I then take it through cosmic customs and happily report it back to you in the present. And although it isn’t particularly earth-shattering or enlightening unto itself, this unique keepsake memory  does provide enough clues (much like a Sudoku puzzle) to allow one to fill in the blanks and perhaps imagine the society of 2031 in its entirety derived only from the scant evidence I’m allowed to present. If you can collate, extrapolate and percolate (as in drinking lots of coffee while trying to figure it out), you may be able to fully grasp the world of the future from the meager clues offered herein: as in this case Yelp reviews of space tourism flights. 

So without further fanfare or ado (could fanfare and ado be the same thing?), I’m mightily pleased to present to you my gift of Yelp space tourism reviews from the future.

5 Stars: Princess Space Cruise Lines

OK, first of all if I could give them 6 Stars I would. Princess dazzled me. What Princess Cruise Lines does on water they also do in the vacuum of space. Whether it was the unlimited Chilean sea bass (sustainably caught and ethically processed) at the seafood buffet or listening to 95-year-old Engelbert Humperdinck (also sustainably caught and ethically processed) sing his greatest hits in business class, Princess has managed to seamlessly extend their festive seaborne experience into a special airborne experience until eventually it becomes an unforgettable vacuum borne experience. And dare I say it: This vacuum does not suck. Read the rest of this entry »

That’s a lot of eggs.
Oh, that’s just some of your your lifetimes lived and unlived.

George Grossman died of natural causes at the age of 33 – if you consider being struck by a meteor as “natural.” George’s bewildering demise occurred while he was racing to the hospital to witness the delivery of his second child who would turn out to be a son named Jake. Many years later fatherless Jake (his mother Shirley never remarried) grew up longing for the father he never knew. Upon his death, Jake vowed to seek out his deceased father in the afterworlds. And one day it came to pass that Jake actually did pass, and upon ascending to the vault of heaven was pleased to see his long since deceased sister Kelly, his mother Shirley and a few family pets all waiting for him in a gauzy meadow. But where was dad? He’d waited his entire life for this moment and dad was a no show.

“What gives, Jake exclaimed? “Where’s dad,” he lamented in the ethereal waviness of the afterlife?

Just then a Yoda-ish guardian angel appeared and explained to Jake that when his father George died (meteor to the head), George’s soul was placed in the body of his son Jake Grossman.

“You mean…” Jake gasped.

“Yes, you’ve had sex with your mother. But don’t freak out because she was your loving wife at the time. Oedipal complexes aside, I’m here to tell you that you are your own father. That’s why he didn’t show up in the afterlife despite your life long yearnings. Now Jake, this rarely happens in the reincarnation business I superintend, but consider this from my perspective. You had just been born and you had also just died, and there was no time to implement the usual protocols so we took a short cut and played fast and loose with the code of interdimensional reincarnation birthing procedures and placed your soul in your son’s body. I hope you’re not too upset.

“As a reward for enduring our production snafu, in your next lifetime we’re allowing you to get in line twice when they pass out brains – or any other organ you may want to double in size. You’re also scheduled to inherit the handsome gene from your mother’s side,” explained the Soul Ombudsman. And with that crude gesture of frontier reincarnation justice, the little oracle evanesced into the ethers.

Just before whooshing into his new earth body, the soul of Jake Grossman was advised to: learn his life lessons, recognize his divinity and transcend the wheel of reincarnation. Achieving the first two would allow for the 3^rd item thereby providing him the key to the password protected speakeasy and allow his soul to reassume its rightful place in the rapture more popularly known as God’s After Party.

Every state endeavors to generate tourism dollars through ambitious marketing programs. But sometimes these promotions miss the mark. Witness these botched attempts at stimulating tourism through well-intentioned, but ultimately misguided brochures:

1. Colorado: Thanks to Recently Enacted Marijuana Laws Denver is Now the 2-Mile High City
   

   If you’re a generic tourist going nowhere in particular, you might like this nondescript and vacuous travel guide. Meanwhile But if you want to go some place check out these travel brochures some states probably wish they never created in the first place.

2. New Mexico: The Land of Entrapment
3. New Mexico: Come for the Radiation. Stay for the ‘Shrooms
4. Maryland: We’re Trying. Really. Please Don’t Judge Us by Baltimore
5. Wyoming: Live Rectangular or Die
6. Florida: America’s Dangling Body Part
7. Michigan: Good Mitten, Bad Mitten
8. California: The Land of Fruits & Nuts
9. California: Ignoring Sexual Harassment from 1850 until 2017
10. Delaware: We’re Anti-paranoid. We think everyone is trying to ignore us.
11. Arkansas: Our “kansas” isn’t pronounced like Kansas’s “Kansas”
12. New Jersey: America’s Lymph System Since 1940
13. Alaska: Our Most Northern, Western and Eastern State – Google It
14. Indiana: Who’s yer state?
15. Washington: Home to Boing, Tinysoft and Barstucks
16. Mississippi: “When yer standin’ on yer head, we’re number 1 in everything!”
17. Mississippi: Still leading the nation in outhouses per capita
18. Mississippi: More Potable Water than Ethiopia and Way More Paved Roads than Bangladesh
19. Mississippi: Separate and Equal Drinking Fountains for Each and Every Minority
20. Connecticut: “Even we don’t know why there’s a second ‘c’ in our name and we live here”
21. Illinois: Land of Lincoln, Air of Jersey, Water of Flint
22. Alabama: Thank God We’ve Got College Football
23. Louisiana: “Have you visited us lately? We’re barely part of the United States.”
24. Texas: Too Big to fail. We’re just underachieving instead.
25. Texas: At Least We’ve Got Austin
26. Oklahoma: Unchanged since 1907
27. Oklahoma: Unchanged since the Big Bang
28. Oklahoma: Come and Watch Time Stand Still
29. Oklahoma: We have a city named Enid – need we say more?
30. Missouri: The Blow Me State
31. Wisconsin: We’ve Lost Our Minds, Come Find Yours
32. Wisconsin: “I don’t care how inefficient they are; can we please go back to the one kind of regular screw in light bulb?”…and other pleas against modernity in the lighting industry.
33. Kansas: What Wisconsin Said

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