Posts Tagged ‘list’

1. The Museum of Things that Look Much Better from a Distance – A place for 2^nd rate art that shouldn’t be looked at too closely
2. The Museum of Silverware That’s Been Accidentally Scarred in a Garbage Disposal – The telltale marks on this battle-weary silverware are both savage and beautiful. Some are arranged in neat trays, while others are starkly scattered on butcher block tables.
3. House of Melted Wax Museum – See big buckets of melted wax that could’ve been a famous person if it was hardened properly. Much like radio did, this museum forces you to use your imagination to envision Beyonce in a 10-gal pail of beige wax.
4. Museum of Uninterpretable Objects – It’s all there. Chicken wire nailed to a cross. A ceramic cat giving birth to porcelain kittens. An endless loop of a man screaming, “Silence!” You’ll leave thinking, “Am I missing something?” And then you’ll realize “Yes, I am missing something – the $65 admission fee.”
5. The Museum of Amnesia – It’s all there. Oh wait. Well, it was all there. Fodor’s Travel Guide raves about the place: “The Museum of Amnesia is an unforgettable experience.”
6. The Museum of Female Butchery – Once thought to be the exclusive domain of males, caring female butchers can make a slaughterhouse a slaughterhome, with a few throw pillows here and a splash of blood there. They bring humor to the profession. Female butchers can be such cut-ups.

Break for a seasonal Egg Nog or just Nog if you’re vegan

7. Museum of Things You’ll Never Be Able to Unsee – Grandma Moses pole dancing, a kangaroo dressed like Truman Capote, a hologram of Tupac Shakur scrapbooking. It’s enough to take the wind out of any one’s sails. Allow 4 hours (just to recover).
8. Museum of What May Be the Severed Tip of Vincent Van Gogh’s Ear – Supposedly found amongst some of his canvasses in 1892, it’s provenance is questionable especially considering the ear is embossed: “Made in Indonesia”
9. The Museum of Negative Space – It fills a great artistic void…with a whole lotta nuthin’. As empty experiences go, it’s one of the most fulfilling. 

Break for a cerebral-cleansing Christmas cookie

10. The Museum of the Other Side – This museum dedicates itself to what the backs, bottom and other sides of artworks look like. See Mona Lisa from behind with her barely discernible curls delicately playing on her raven hair. Witness Warhol’s Soup Cans from the bottom where you can see their expiration dates. And ogle Whistler’s Mother’s other profile.
11. The Museum of One Million Desiccated Packets – It is highly advised you moisturize before going. It’s a very unemotional museum. There’s always a dry eye in the house.
12. Museum of Orphaned Unicorns – It’s very difficult to locate. Many believe it’s, somewhere over the rainbow.

Break for a drink. “What can I get started for you?”

13. The Museum of Modern Contemporary Nowness – This museum is fabulously current. A favorite of the “Be here now” set.
14. The Museum of What Perishable Food Items Look Like After 5 Days in the Sun – It’s all there: Meat, Cheese and Leftovers. For plant positive people there’s a vegan wing.
15. The Museum of What the World Would Be Like if There Weren’t Pumpkins – A deep dive into a pumpkin-less world of Halloween Jack-O-Rutabagas. Come and experience the ubiquity of everything flavored with seasonal Gourd Spice. One visit and you’ll be scared straight. Straight to a nearby pumpkin patch.
16. The Museum of It’s 4 in the Morning and I Can’t Sleep So I’m Making this List – I’m checking it twice. I’m going to find out…

 

The Rejects…They Didn’t Pass the Mustard or pass muster…Now you can witness my creative process/editing

24. The Museum of Unnecessary Differentiation – aka MUD, like all museums this museum displays objects that look different from each other and serve no useful purpose. Surprise!

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#547 The proper way to peel a banana is from the bottom up. Try it on your next banana, you’ll thank me.

#548 Kids, stay in school

#549 I brought my Dust Bunny to the vet. He blew me off and now my Dust Bunny is no more (I know, not really a Life Hack, but it’s funny) 

#550 Repetition is important…Kids, stay in school

#550 Pay attention. Sometimes things are double numbered

#551 Kids, if you get a job paying $30 an hour or more, quit school

#552 Don’t spend more than an hour a day in your attic (This applies to kids too)

#553 Don’t spend too much time in your basement. Especially if you don’t have a basement.

#554 It’s OK to spend more than an hour a day in your attic, if you can get a job paying you $30 an hour to stay in your attic.

#555 Kids, overall, it’s probably best to stay on the 1^st or 2^nd floor

#556 It’s fun to say, “These youngsters from Liverpool, who call themselves the Beatles.”

#557 It’s now considered environmentally friendly to bury a dearly departed in a crawl space or butler’s pantry

#558 If you have braces, avoid sticking your tongue into a light socket.

#559 In fact, just generally, avoid sticking any body part into a light socket

#560 Almost all podcasts are just unstructured, stupid conversations that prior to the Internet Age were referred to as, “Aah, we were just shootin’ the sh*t.”

#561 It’s just this way…until it’s not this way, and yours is not to worry or try to overtly control it

1. The Titanic – And now they can’t recall it. Let that sink in.
2. Disappearing Ink – By the time anyone’s figured out there’s a problem, it’s already vanished
3. Shakespeare Quotes – I don’t even know how you’d recall a quote. I mean I don’t recall any of his quotes.
4. Caskets – If there’s a problem with a casket, the manufacturer just tries to bury it.
5. Auto-Dialer Phones – As I recall, I don’t recall a recaller being recalled
6. The Bean Layer of a 7-layer Dip – Who’s going to remove the bean layer? And then who’s going to buy a beanless 6-layer dip? I’ll tell you who – Dip-sh*ts.
7. Viagra – This product malfunction rarely comes up – so to speak
8. This List – You can’t unsee it. Plus, it’s way too funny to be recalled. Usually it’s shared and goes rival. I mean larval. I mean viral.

On the Menu Tonight:

The AppePfizer (brought to you by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals – a druggy division of Milton-Bradley) 

1. That I was once accused of trafficking in counterfeit stallion teeth. Neigh. Tis not true. I got them straight from the horses’ mouth.
2. That I was never able to get either foot all the way into my mouth. And yet people said I managed to do this regularly – whenever I spoke.
3. That my company selling erectile dysfunction drugs went out of business. Why? The competition was too stiff.
4. That I never met Helen Reddy’s Dingo – and now it’s too late. Fun Fact: Ringo had a Dingo named Bingo. He spelled it B-i-n-go, B-i-n-g-o, B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name.
5. That what I thought was an authentic Sharon Stone pubic hair (purchased and verified on eBay), turned out to belong to Wanda Sykes.
6. That when I shook the Pope’s hand with a joy buzzer, his Swiss Guard roughed me up.

1. That most restaurants refuse to seat me when I enter with my service ostrich. But it’s OK for Mr. Aristocrat to come in with a handkerchief full of bugers in his pocket.
2. Finding out I had 2 days to live after purchasing green bananas
3. That my hefty investment in the Used Casket business, never got off the ground – in fact it never even got out of the ground
4. That even though I knew it was true, I could never prove Toni Tennile based Muskrat Sam on me. Screw you Darryl.
5. That my fanny crack is horizontal. Very awkward, unless you’re in Japan where its buttocks as usual.

The Entrée 

1. That after attending a Reba McEntire concert, I found out later, I was facing the wrong way

Dessert

1. That Jada Pinkett sent back the toupee I sent her. And then Wil Smith slapped me with a slander suit.

Yes. Gratitude. I’d like to take a moment to bestow gratitude upon the following:

1. Second Responders – They get no credit at all – in fact I don’t even know who they are.
2. All my Facebook friends – Well, almost all of them
3. The Waltons – Especially John Boy and that cute Mary Ellen
4. Tiny Tim – The Dickens’ one and not the goofy one who tiptoed thru the tulips
5. Mother Teresa – Set such a quiet example of easy selflessness

In fact, let’s be thankful every day, all year. Not in an overly pious way, just in an “it’s cool to be alive” way.

And, most importantly, may God grant me the serenity & wisdom to understand my 14 streaming services: 4 of which I think I pay for, 5 which might be free or cost $38 each, 1 of which I access via a subdural chip they implanted on my person, against my will (part of my court-ordered probation) and the other 4 that all have pluses (+) at the end of them.

Yes. A Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!

Have yourself a merry little tryptophan-ic turkey day

1. Womanicotti – It’s much curvier than Manicotti, and more considerate too
2. Tonytoni – A street-smart pasta, shaped like Tony Danza
3. Buttaroni – A favorite of the Kardashians
4. Angel Nose Pasta – As you can well imagine, it smells heavenly
5. Bolo Tie Pasta – Far from Farfalle, it’s popular with cowboys
6. Knocky – Not Gnocchi, but similar
7. Cavatelli Savalas – Shaped like Kojak’s chrome dome
8. Testicallini – Usually served in pairs
9. Spaghetti F’s – If you liked Spaghetti O’s, you’ll love Spaghetti F’s. They are F’n good
10. Vomitcelli – This pasta often comes-up in conversation, and in actuality too
11. Microroni – Macaroni’s tiny little brother.

Buon Appetito Everyone!

 

Omitted

1. Lunguine – We can all breathe a little easier with this pasta shape
2. Service Dog Pasta – The world weary draw nutritional and emotional support while chowing down on pasta in the shape of service dogs
3. Angel Hair – A classic
4. Angel Pubic Hair – A curlicue classic. Did you know, that every time someone starts a podcast, an angel loses their pubic hair
5. Crazo – If you like Orzo you’ll love this looney tunes pasta
6. Crackatini –Not trying to be cheeky here, butt they’re Derriere-licious.
7. Scrotatelli – Much like ravioli, a pillowy pouch suitable for stuffing with meat or cheese
8. Tamponelli – People seem to use it about the same time each month.
9. Groinacolli – Favorite pasta of crotchety old men
10. Spermacetti – Make up your own joke (there’s only 5000)

 

1. Split Pea with Hamlet – To eat or not to eat. That, is the question.
2. Italian-Style Divorcing Soup – A bookend to Italian-Style Wedding Soup. These soups satisfy whether you’re coming or going.
3. Gayspacho – Made with same sex tomatoes. They say once you try it, you’ll never go back…to another soup that is.
4. Chicken Dumbo – One part chicken, one part elephant. I don’t think it’ll ever fly. Kinda ear-rie actually.
5. Greek Alphabet Soup – It’s great. From the Alpha to the Omega.
6. Egyptian Hieroglyph Soup – If you love sideways falcons, symbolic ankhs and more amulets than a box of Lucky Charms, you’ll love this Pharaonic soup. And if you don’t like Egyptian soup, well then Tut Tut.
7. Viciousoise – Not to be confused with Vichyssoise, Viciousoise is a cold and cruel potato soup
8. Cram Chowder – An Asian version of Clam Chowder
9. Tripe Bisque – Most people can’t stomach it
10. Maxistrone – Minestrone on steroids
11. Kit-n-Caboodle Noodle Soup – Oodles of noodles in Kit-n-Caboodle.

Toodles!

 

Omitted

• LGBTQ Alphabet Soup – It’s great. From L to Q. Can’t spell BLT w/o it

 

1. What Yappy Dogs Have Taught Me
   

   My friend has a swell head.

2. Men with Ringworm…and the Women Who Love Them
3. “On the Paper You Urchins!” On Toilet Training Dickensian Orphans
4. Mom Kept Me in a Refrigerator Box Till I was 8: Learning to Chillax Again in a Big Scary World
5. Born Under a Zero: Learning to Live Without an Astrological Sign
6. It Takes Two: Learning to Use the New 35 ft. Intestinal Flosses
7. Can You Eat Animal Crackers and Still Call Yourself a Vegan?
8. I was Born a Virgin, I’ll Die a Virgin:
9. From Shiplap to Beadboard – A Panel Discussion on Paneling
10. Monsieur Papillion Teaches Fencing – Mostly Chain Link and Stockade
11. Pharmaceutical Media Influencers Insist: You’ll Be More Popular than Ever, Once You Have Eczema

1. I’m the inspiration for the song “Don’t Stand So Close to Me”
2. My middle name is Bathsheba
3. I’m just choosing to be heterosexual. I haven’t been able to pray the lay away
4. I know a guy who doesn’t have a podcast
5. All anyone says anymore is: Specificity is just marmalade without the orange rind. OMG, if I hear that one more time!
6. When I was younger I played my organ a lot
7. When I witness a warm, poignant moment, it doesn’t melt my heart. It melts my ear wax. So if you ever see glistening streaks flowing from my ears, you’ll know I’m either overcome with emotion or I’m suffering from otorrhea.
8. My left leg is two feet longer than my right. I’m just green-screened. Thank you CGI.
9. My two feet are both left-footed (this is why none of you have seen me swimming)
10. If you’re as stupid as me you’re still reading this
11. If I’m as stupid as you, I’m still writing this
12. Memo to Col. Jessup: I can handle the truth and I don’t need you on that wall
13. I’ll say it again: The Getty family is having Trust issues
14. The Israeli Supreme Court is known as the Jewdiciary
15. Can’t write more. Gotta run. The Beverly Hillbillies are on in 3 minutes
16. And I guess you can tell from #15: I still don’t know how to record anything from the TV

The advent of Competitive Eating, where cuckoo contestants see how many hot dogs, pies or pancakes they can cram into their gizzards, has ushered in a new era of other dubious sporting events; usually sponsored by greedily aligned corporations and gaudily presented by ESPN 16 – a channel reserved for just such idiocy. I’ve taken the liberty of curating them for you and offer the following list of these supposed sports:

 

1. Competitive Eating (aka Speed Eating) – Chowboy Joey Chestnut won his 16^th hot dog eating championship despite suffering from pink eye. It had no effect on his performance, promoters just wanted to add drama to Mr. Chestnut’s insane scarfing of 76 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes (true). In this one contest, nutritionist believe he consumed the equivalent of a 4-lifetime supply of animal lips. Sponsored by Nathan’s Hot Dogs.
2. Naked and Catheterized – Naked contestants must conquer Mt. Kilimanjaro while holding their urine bag. First to the top is treated to all the hot dogs they can eat…in 10 minutes. If you like this sport, urine luck. I meant to say, if you like this sport, you’re in luck.
3. Rolling in Attic Insulation – Sure it itches, but contestants can make 10 American dollars a day by sleeping in Johns-Manville’s prickly, pink insulation – if they can make it to 10 days. This sport may contribute to Pink Eye, as well as pink every place else.
4. Paula Deen’s Fried Cakes Murder Mystery “A Who-Donut!” – Contestants have to find who’s been killing all the donuts on her plantation. Whoever unmasks the evil dough-nutter is released from involuntary servitude. Sponsored by Hostess Indentured Services.
5. Solitaire Lollapalooza – All solitaire games are played by yourself in isolated and remote Zoom meetings. Most avatars are Eleanor Rigby, Henry David Thoreau or a Black Dog. The winner is shunned worse than an Amish heretic. Sponsored by Zoloft.
6. How Bald Can My Tires Get? – Car owners see if they can drive on just the steel belts. Sponsored by Rogaine.
7. Sentenced to the Crawl Space – Disturbed contestants see how long they can go over to the dark side in a creepy subterranean crypt of silverfish, spiders and scorpions. Sponsored by no one. Larry David says it’s, “Not a thing. And will never be a thing.”
8. How Long Can I Go Until I Flush My Toilet – Shouldn’t be “a thing” but it is. Homeowners risk the dreaded overflow, in a race to unseat their neighbors. Sponsored by Hoover Wet/Dry Vacuums.
9. I Can Eat Just Oatmeal for 2 Weeks – Open only to those who, on the advice of their physician, are complete idiots. It’s a rough sport. In fact, it’s the roughage of sports. Not recommended for people competing in How Long Can I Go Until I Flush My Toilet. Sponsored by Quaker Groats.
10. Eating Food 2 Months After Its Expiration Date – Lots of Risk with absolutely no Reward. Sponsored by the movie Jack-Ass 8.
11. How Much Salt Water Can I Drink Before My Kidneys Fail – Good to know in case you’re ever shipwrecked. Sponsored by Dialysis Solutions.
12. Let’s Become Siamese Twins – “Volunteers” gather at a safe, public space then are herded into vans and taken to a secondary location where they submit to being conjoined with people who lost on Paula Deen’s Fried Cake Murder Mysteries “A Who-Donut!” Sponsored by the movie Twins II.