1. A Step Ladder is your relationship to a ladder a 2^nd wife brings into the marriage. Together you create a blended family toolbox.
2. I went to a hardware store and asked the clerk where the screwdrivers were. He directed me, and when I got there, it was nothing but a shelf of Vodka and Orange Juices.
3. By definition, all of my friend Phil’s screwdrivers are Phillip’s screwdrivers
4. I simply cannot deal with my coping saw anymore
   

   Are awl tools good?

5. And now my hacksaw won’t stop coughing
6. You Can’t Win: At a garage sale, a farmer sold a couple of his old hoes. He then bought some new hoes and then the 4H Club accused him of trafficking in hoes.
7. I’m not surprised my Stud Finder keeps pointing at me
8. In Brooklyn if you request an ax, you must “aks for an ax”
9. The offensive term “Monkeywrench” has been given the less politically charged name of Primatewrench
10. DIY: How to Properly Screw – Whenever I need to screw something, I always take my time to do it right and think of the wood’s feelings too. I usually drill a little pilot hole and then grease it up for easier insertion. After making sure my nuts are nearby, but out of the way, I’ll introduce the screw and slowly and carefully put it in. Sometimes the wood is unforgiving and I have to get a little rough, which is OK as long as it’s in service of a nice tight bond – so they’re both mutually clinging to each other. And then when it’s over and the screw has become one with the wood, I linger for a bit and never just bolt when I’m through. This is called the resolution phase or afterdrill. It’s a very important step and paves the way for future screwings. Sometimes I have to rest between fastenings, but after a while, something woody appears and I’m ready for my next screwing.

 

Edited Out

11. Happiness is a warm Nail Gun
12. The Soldiers Soldering Iron Cross is awarded to a GI who valorously welds things on the field of battle.

 

Just finished watching the Mormon version of The Bachelor. Wow!
He narrowed it down to 4 women, and then married all of them.

1. Pick up stuff…put it someplace where she can’t see it
2. Erase chalk outline of body on garage floor leftover from last year’s “incident”
3. Freshen-up the spittoons and clean the boot scraper
4. Collect all the desiccated birds from the attic without disturbing “mother”
5. Do laundry or buy more clothes
6. Figure out where those Gregorian chants are coming from in the basement
7. Put things in their place
8. Make room so there are places to put things
9. Hope I don’t get slapped again when I suggest to the maid we do some “feather dusting” in the butler’s pantry
10. Stop telling guests the bidet is an ADA-compliant drinking fountain
11. Rearrange the dust on everything so it’s evenly dispersed
12. Toss out the mini travel toothpaste tube I’ve been using for 8 months. I swear I squeezed more toothpaste out of it than they put into it.
13. Do the dishes
14. Screw the dishes. Buy paper plates and plastic sporks.
15. Vacuum all the dead bugs lying on the window sills
16. Vacuum all the live bugs swirling around the bananas
17. Change the air filter in the cold air return…Check that. Install an air filter in the cold air return
18. Change the sheets or ask the mice to please sleep on the other side
19. Flush the toilet in the guest room. Check that. Wait a minute? There is no bathroom in the guest room. That ain’t good.
20. Play the Beatles while I do my chores. Maybe some Steely Dan too.
21. Evict the guy who’s been squatting in my storage shed for the last 3 months. Check that. Tell my uncle he has to move out of the storage shed by Wednesday – and to stop that Gregorian chanting.

 

Edited Out

• Fireproof house with inexpensive asbestos paint
• To stop the walls from breathing, stop taking after dinner gummies
• Ask a neighbor what day they actually pick-up the trash
• Note to Self: Wash behind ears. In fact, wash behind anything that dangles.
• Screw the house and just sleep in my car parked at Costco, eat their hot dogs and rotisserie chickens and let them worry about keeping a bathroom clean.

You Never Have to Tell Us Again

1. We no longer need to be reminded that “X” was formerly known as Twitter
2. I’m not concerned if the book I’m reading was printed on equipment used in processing tree nuts
3. Conversely you never needed to change Datsun to Nissan, Bombay to Mumbai or Betty Persky to Lauren Bacall
4. Safety in the Wild: How many times must we be told that if you’re out walking in nature and you’re confronted by a Grizzly Bear you should start singing YMCA; it confuses the bear. Conversely, whenever I’ve been approached by an elephant I befriend him by saying, “How you got into my pajamas I’ll never know?”  
5. Safety in the Wild II: How many times must we be told that if you’re out walking in nature and you’re confronted by an angry snail, you should make yourself look really big, so it’ll think twice about attacking you. Conversely, if you’re approached by an aggressive ground squirrel you should roll yourself up into a submissive ball and offer to hold its nuts.
6. More Safety in the Wild: And how many times must we be told that if you’re out walking among Mormons you should make yourself look like you already have 2 wives, that way they’ll be less likely to propose. They say, when in Morm, do as the Mormons do – right? Conversely, if you’re ever confronted by a Jehovah’s Witness you should make it appear that you have poor powers of observation. That way they’ll avoid you because they know you’d make a very bad Witness.
7. To all websites: Unless I’m at a bakery, I don’t want any of your damn “cookies”
8. We all completely understand that if we’re experiencing a life-threatening emergency, we’ll call 9-1-1. We’re not going to call our optometrist or dentist after hours if we’re losing consciousness.
9. No one except Julius Caeser has ever had to “Beware the Ides of March.” Retire the phrase please.
10. Even though we know our call matters to you, no one will ever listen closely just because “some of your options may have changed.”
11. No one ever needs to open any letter addressed to Current Resident. Or has ERCLOT or Electronic Service Requested printed on it. But especially if it has Personal and Confidential on the envelope. If I ever send something personal and confidential to someone, I’m never going to advertise that it’s personal and confidential to potential prying eyes.
12. No one will ever, ever take a shower before getting into a pool unless it’s with a naked loved one, in which case who cares if there’s a pool

 

 

1. The earthquake ravaged city of Katmandu in Nepal, has closed down. It will now be renamed Katmandone. It was a noble attempt, but Katmandu is now past tense. In other words, Katmandu is Katmandid, and is now Katmandone.
2. In happier urban news Timbuktu has expanded. It’s now Timbukthree.
3. No changes to Bumf*ck, Idaho, although they did get a new Payday Loan Center where you can get up to 75% on a clean motorcycle title loan. You may also pawn an organ if you currently possess more than one of them.
4. Walla Walla, Washington has two walls in its name and I’m told Mexico paid for both of them.
5. In recognition of its new power supply Washington, DC will now be called Washington, AC. The bisexual area of Washington is still called Washington AC/DC. 
6. After almost 200 years of recovery Wounded Knee, South Dakota will now be called Healed Knee, South Dakota. Wow, talk about a pre-existing condition.
7. And finally, did you hear about the gay Australian? I hear he went back to Sydney.
8. Well what about the lesbian North Carolinian? She went back to Charlotte.
9. And Jojo? He went back to where he once belonged.

In an effort to modernize and remain relevant to an emerging moviegoing demographic, the Motion Picture Academy of Arts & Sciences added some new and innovative categories this year. In case you missed them I’ve listed them below.

And the Oscar Goes To:

1. Best Undergarment in a Supporting Role – Tie. Dolly Parton’s brassiere and Dwayne Johnson’s jockstrap
2. Best Animated Short Subject – Danny DeVito
3. Most Unforgivable Sin – Aging
4. Best Original Score – That night Frank Sinatra nailed Marilyn Monroe in the back of his Cadillac
5. Best Movie Trailer – The Airstream 5000 (I know, wrong kind of trailer, but so what)
   

   He looks so…I don’t know what the word is…Statuesque.

6. Number of Movies in Which Tommy Lee Jones Appears Youthful – None
7. Movies We Wish Were Silent – Police Academy 4 and Fran Drescher Meets Gilbert Gottfried
8. Best Adapted Dessert from an Original Cookie – Oreos-n-Cream
9. Movies in Which There Are Gay People pre-1970 – None of them. None at all, except for Rock Hudson movies (although we didn’t know it at the time)
10. Best Adapted Screenplay Drawn from an Original Book, Painting or Poem Pertaining to a Cosmically Big Concept Existing Outside of Time that Bespeaks Something About Love or Creation or Some Type of Transcendent Experience That Could Never Really Happen on Earth, But is Made Into Some Indecipherable Movie Anyway that Bombs, but Later Develops a “Cult” Following – Sorry, I forgot what I was saying. Where were we now?
11. Actor with the Longest Fanny Crack – In a surprise: Peter Dinklage
12. Actress with the Deepest Fanny Crack – Rosamund Pike (based solely on scuttlebutt)
13. Worst Adaptation of the Name Susan – In The Godfather. When Vito Corleone’s henchman Luca Brasi tells the Godfather, “I am honored to be invited to your daughter’s wedding. Thank you Don “Susan” Corleone.
14. Worst Play on Words When Louis B Mayer won an Oscar – Making Him an Oscar-Mayer Weiner
15. Best Director – That Amazon guy who directs all those packages to their destination so rapidly and accurately. Whoa – can that guy direct or what! Although I hear what he really wants to do, is act.
16. Best Casting – When Dr. William Bailey reset and splinted Tom Cruise’s broken ulna on the set of Mission Impossible

 

Renamed Categories

17. Best Actor Award has been renamed: Best Acting by Someone with a Penis
18. Best Actress Award has been renamed: Best Acting by Someone with a Vagina
19. Best Foreign Film has been renamed: An OK Immigrant Movie Possibly Filmed by Undocumented Cinematographers
20. Best Costume Design has been renamed: Cool Ass Period Clothing by Either a Straight Woman or a Gay Guy

 

Notes: Eligibility for the In Memoriam section has been lowered to include people that are very sick.