One bite of this forbidden hot dog and I’ve had 43 years of indigestion. I finally found the antidote.

Why would I reveal a perfectly executed petit larceny committed at the tender age of 12 while working the portable hot dog stand at our end of year elementary school celebration? Because I want to redeem myself for my wretchedness. I’m not confessing so much to exorcise my demons, as I am taking the advice of the band Heart, who encouraged us to “♫Even it up, even it up, even it up♫.”

It is often said that justice delayed is justice denied. And that may be the case in this instance. But what choice do I have in correcting something 43 years after the fact? I’m just trying to restore things to their original equilibrium and this self-correcting expose is as good a starting point as any. Perhaps my bite-sized, youthful indiscretion can be remedied with the same ease in which it was committed. I sure hope so. When it comes to appeasing the exacting justice of the Lord of Karma I hedge my bets. For example, I donate to a couple of food banks and I’ve always made a point to tip 20% even when the service was only 15% worthy. In this particular case I’m attempting to “unscrew” something I so blithely screwed-up in the first place. Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to the exciting world of ushering. May I help you find your seat so you can sit back and relax while you read my autobiography?

“Ushering is not a choice. I was born this way. I’ve always fancied people’s seats.”

Author’s Note: My cellmate says I should be careful in writing this “Sit and Tell” autobiography. He said if I expose the names of individuals I’ve put in their seats I’ll bring dishonor unto the House of Usher. I should point out, a “cellmate” is just a friend I speak with on my cell phone.

My Story Begins
I consider myself a man in full. However about 90% of that fullness comes from the stature I’ve gained in my career as an usher. I love ushering. Which is just another way of saying, “Aisle of ushering.” Either way I can’t explain my attraction to it. Early on I had a strong interest not only in picking my friends, but also in picking their seats. I’ve always wanted to be a professional escort, and ushering has allowed me the honor of being a paid escort. Read the rest of this entry »

Memorandumb

From: Human Resources Dept. – a division of HP Primate Services

Topic: Hiring Procedures

Attention: Hiring Supervisors

Security Level: Eyes only. Do not circulate or copy document. Especially no copying since even we can’t afford our own ink cartridges.

Attention Hiring Supervisors,

In an effort to ensure a high-caliber workforce (high-caliber in terms of achievement and not weaponry), Hewlett-Packard’s Human Resources Dept. (or HP’s HR) has created this determinative questionnaire to screen prospective litigants employees for suitability. Applicants must answer all questions, after which they can expect to have their wallet returned. Read the rest of this entry »

Aaaahhh. Remember when.

Sometimes the mountain is so high and my spirit is so low I wonder if I’ll ever make it to the summit. That fabled summit where I hope to find the almighty perspective I’ve been promising myself ever since 4^th Grade. That’s when I was shaken from my adolescent cocoon by the 5^th Dimension’s mystical song Aquarius. This portentous anthem heralded a new age of possibilities. I really thought it was “the dawning of the Age of Aquarius” for everybody. Everybody, everywhere. It was the late 60’s and we were all going to take the Marrakech Express into the 5^th Dimension where “♫peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars♫.” It was a simple calculus formulated by a mercifully simple boy then known as David. And he still is a simple boy known as David except he’s covered by all these words you see before you. Oh to be naïve again – or at least simple, without being a simpleton.   Read the rest of this entry »

These Fashion Week hats are so derivative. And yet they’re all the rage.

It’s 1969. AD. I’m 8 years old and happily ensconced all alone in the cozy confines of my downstairs game room where I’m playing pool and groovin’ (yes, groovin’) to Beatles music on our state-of-the-art Magnavox Quadraphonic stereo. I’m the best company a boy can have. And the beauty part is I’m never without me. And while I appreciate the company of other people, I especially like mine. I always seem to know exactly what I want to do and I never have to wait around for me to show up so I can do it. I’ve always been there for me. I have no choice. And being with myself in this special way (in the basement shooting pool and listening to the Beatles) was like a divinely choreographed yogic practice. Read the rest of this entry »

Tidy little bullet points. Creating an illusion of:
Ο Order
Ο Harmony
Ο Linear Perfection

Ο

Ο     

Ο     The sweet adage “Make love, not war” has been dismissed as an impractical pipe dream, but it does beg the question: Would we rather be at each other’s throats, or at each other’s gonads? And as I look around at my fellow man I think the answer is obvious. War it is!

Ο     It is often remarked by Culinary Anthropologists that some under-served populations do not have easy access to nutritious and affordable food. This condition is known as living in a food desert. For research-funding purposes however, this “condition” is sometimes rebranded as a “Food Desert Syndrome” – syndrome being a weighty term used by professors to in elevate “crappy grocery stores” to a social calamity so significant that they qualify for a National Science Foundation grant and can earn a 6-month sabbatical to study this self-created geography. Read the rest of this entry »

The Lord thinks of everything, but if he only remembered to add more brimstone to his firewall, he wouldn’t have had his identity stolen.

Identity theft, long thought to have victimized only earthlings with good credit scores, has smote The Almighty. Believers began to have suspicions when so many of their prayers went unanswered. Atheists seemed to be unaffected by the theft. After burning around the bush, our Lord announced today (through a spokesman as usual) that for a brief period of time his identity had been stolen. His oracle went on to remind his minions that, “His Eminence is not responsible for any karmic debts entered into by his impersonator during the period of the usurpation.” Equifax immediately downgraded the Lord’s credit rating from Immaculate to Cash Only; stating, “While we recognize God is too big to fail, we believe that until his true identity is confirmed creditors should not accept any more of his Covenants because right now we don’t know him from Adam.”
Read the rest of this entry »

Early depiction of Time Zones or “Time Belts” as they were called upon their introduction in 1883. Eventually citizens found them less confusing than a Thursday Night edition of Monday Night Football.

Ogg returned to the cave and proudly presented his proto-wife with the spoils for the day – a scrawny pterodactyl. She cast one withering glance at his meager bounty and huffed, “You call that hunting and gathering? You’re all hunt and no gather. Would it kill you to gather some berries once in a while?”

In a similar way I return from my writing desk and hope to present you with more than a scrawny bird-brained essay to chew on, lest you cast one withering glance at my meager typing and huff, “You call that hunting and pecking? You’re all hunt and no pecker. Would it kill you to gather your thoughts once in a while?”

My speculation here is extravagant. Not only in assuming prehistoric man spoke English, but in assuming readers are interested in an essay that tries to bypass the usual clichés of “Life being about the journey” and instead suggests an even less appealing theme: “If everyone behaved more like me, the world would be a better place.” Read the rest of this entry »

“This unbidden dilemma vexes me to no end.” 

In 1861 United States Army Colonel Robert E Lee was the South’s first choice for a commanding position in the Confederate Army. His outstanding military reputation and patriotic lineage merited a similar offer from the North. Ultimately he chose to resign his commission in the United States Army and sign on with his secessionist home state of Virginia. He was promptly named a General in the Confederate Army and in short order the patriotic brotherhood of the Revolution devolved into the bitter animus of the Civil War.

We will never know what would’ve happened had Lee decided otherwise. We only know the predictable result of his imprudent decision – a prolonged and lethal struggle to defend a state’s right to extend slavery into the territories. Of course I’m not suggesting Robert E Lee was entirely responsible for the abomination of the Civil War. What I am suggesting is that his faulty decision amplified the length and breadth of this irrepressible conflict. Read the rest of this entry »

There are many foods in my Father’s house. I recommend everything but the apple.

Could this be what Mary Baker Eddy had in mind when she established her church in 1879? Apparently Church elders thought so and have doubled down on their past success with Christian Science Reading Rooms by introducing Christian Science Eating Rooms. I was curious about this ecumenical eatery and spoke with Comestible Services Director Harley Karnoff, who explained the Church’s marketing philosophy; “We hope to appeal to Christian Foodies everywhere. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Quaker or a Shaker, Orthodox or Hydrox, Plain or Peanut – the Christian Science Eating Room has a pew for you. Even atheists are welcomed, although they usually come away with a little indigestion.” Read the rest of this entry »