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My father’s peculiarities were prodigious. Of course when you’re young and in thrall of your father, you see no peculiarities – it’s just Saturday with dad. So I never really noticed them till I got older. I knew he was a smart guy, but in many ways he was also a functioning non sequitur. And I attribute most of his eccentricities to his mother Helen’s benign malfeasance (I think she dropped him on his ego – a lot). Inside the bosom of this bleak and scolding woman beat a stingy heart pumping out precious little affection. Consequently, my forsaken father looked askance at all he surveyed and fought mightily to compartmentalize his wounded emotions. The poor guy. It turns out that choosing the right parents is a very important thing. Why so little is done about this is beyond me.

 

 

My dad was a depressed person, but he never visited his dysfunction on others. No “woe is me” from that guy. He just withstood the incongruities of life, waiting for someone, or some entity, to respond to his bedrock assertion, “I never asked to be born.” My dad’s philosophy was a slightly darker version of Disney’s. Whereas Disney might be the happiest place on earth, to my dad, life was “the inconvenient-est place on earth.” In his eyes life was such a bother, for something so inconclusive. For better or worse, some of his nuanced take and skewed analysis didn’t fall too far from the tree.

 

 

My dad was not a hater. He was a withstander. He was the Chuck Norris of enduring things he’d rather not contend with. And I loved him because, because…oh, I don’t know why. It’s just what you do in this universe of God’s trickle-down Lovenomics. I mean the Almighty is rollin’ in the stuff and we (his adoring children), residing far down stream, get the briny runoff – just enough to hydrate us and motivate us to search for its source in hopes of further slaking our cosmic thirst. Enough I say! I rise up and proclaim “Occupy God,” but that’s perhaps another story I’ll write at another time. For now, this quaint and foible-filled feature is what I want to share with you.   

 

 

I’ve chosen to highlight only one of Dad’s oddities because if I listed them all, this chronicle would need to be retitled The Never Ending Story. The following goofily aberrant father-son playdate was indicative of his refracted perspective. In 1970, in the midst of their divorce, my caring, warm-hearted mother arranged a Saturday night sleepover for me with my father. She had to arrange it because he sure as hell wasn’t capable of organizing it himself. Though he may have desired some quality time with his adolescent son, he was genetically incapable of doing anything that wasn’t statutorily required or absolutely necessary for survival. Bowing to convention would be anathema to this man of apathetic appetites – plus it would be way, way too inconvenient. Read the rest of this entry »

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   Self e-face-ing?

   The birth rate would drop to 0

2. You’d hear a lot more “Y’know, you remind me of somebody”
3. People would be a lot nosier
4. 10 Most Wanted Posters would generate a lot of false positives
5. It would’ve been a lot easier to chisel Mount Rushmore
6. Spice Girls a lot less popular
7. In the TV show Streets of San Francisco, it’d be real hard to tell Karl Malden from Michael Douglas
8. Stunt doubles would no longer have to hide their faces
9. There’d be no cute Beatle
10. Christianity in jeopardy. Worshipers would find it hard to pray to Karl Malden.
11. We’d all have faces only a mother could love
12. Porn industry would come to a screeching halt
13. The Phantom of the Opera wouldn’t bother with a mask
14. 90% of doctors would go into rhinoplasty.
15. Stocks of facial recognition companies would tank
16. The movie Titanic would definitely lose its edge
17. Police sketch artists…out of business
18. Interest in Kate Upton would drop significantly.
19. And of course, Chuck Norris would still look like Chuck Norris

Imagine a world where every person, place or thing is named Ebenezer:

 

1. Prince would become, the artist formerly known as Ebenezer
2. Jeopardy questions suddenly a whole lot easier
3. Determining sexual consent might be a problem: “Would you mind if I kissed you on the Ebenezer?”
4. Wouldn’t have to worry about mispronouncing the city of Yuzhnoukrainsk in Mykolaiv Oblast…or any city in any Oblast
5. Dinner parties would be tricky: “Would you please pass the Ebenezer”
6. Hey Jude becomes Hey Ebenezer
7. The horse that guy rode through the desert on that he thought had no name…Ebenezer
8. The answer to the song’s question Say my name, Say my name…Ebenezer
9. Chuck Norris… Still Chuck Norris
10. In Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” Tiny Tim would become Tiny Ebenezer
11. The phrase “We can’t cater to every Tom Dick and Harry,” becomes ”We can’t cater to every Ebenezer Ebenezer and Ebenezer.”
12. Bjórk…Ebénézér
13. Wasted away again in Ebenezerville
14. That Paul Simon song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” would have to be seriously reworked.
15. Consumer reports would always recommend Ebenezer brand
16. While lovemaking, you could never yell out the wrong name
17. All anonymous sources would be named Ebenezer
18. GPS would be impossible. Unless of course you were going to Ebenezer.

The point is we’d all be Scrooged.

 

1. State Flower – The Orange Traffic Cone
2. State Flour – Durum Semolina
3. Number of Museums Dedicated to Rock & Roll – 1
4. Number of Museums Dedicated to the Partridge Family – 0
5. Scariest Lake – Lake Eerie
6. State Joke: Q. What do young Stags see out of? A. Buckeyes.
7. State Electrical Unit – The Ohm
8. State Chanting Unit – The Om
9. City That is Most Thanked – Cleveland. As in “Thank you Cleveland! You’ve been great.”
10. State Fly – The Zipper
11. State Zipper – The Fly
12. State Bird – Roadrunner (Yes, the one the Coyote is after)
13. State Fragrance – Kumquat Spice
14. State Flag – Pennant-shaped. Technically a “burgee” shape. Flag has 17 stars because it was the 17th state when admitted in 1803
15. State Candy – M&M
16. State Rapper – Also Eminem
17. State Motto – Ohio: First in Lubrication
18. State Cannabis Motto – “Ohhh, High, Ohhh”
19. State Capitol – Ɏ (This is the symbol for the state capitol formerly known as Columbus, who’s not too popular these days)

 

 

Ohio is still annoyed by those little Dayton bicycle makers – the Wright Bros. – who had to go all the way to Kitty Hawk, NC for the world’s first flight. What, they couldn’t spend those 11 seconds on the shores of Lake Erie?

 

Q: What state is Ohio in?

A: Ohio is a state.

Q:  I mean what state…is Ohio in?

A: Oh, you mean like flux or ignorance.

1. Yeah.
2. Well I’d say Ohio was in a state of Denali.
3. You mean denial.
4. No. Denali. They want to be Mt McKinley, but they’re about 18,000 ft short.

1. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stove – Foodies rejoice. Harry and Co. hold you spellbound while conjuring magical dishes on Dumbledore’s hot plate
2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secretions – Pubescent Harry locks himself in the bathroom and wrestles with the forces of acne
3. Harry Potter and the Pensioner of Azerbaijan – The widow Taskin asks a conflicted Harry to materialize a few Euros to tide her over till her Social Security check arrives
   

   It’s not me. It’s my agent that’s the wizard.

4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Egg Yolks – Harry and the Gang hop on the bodybuilding band wagon through liquid supplements. He gets so buff his Nimbus 2000 can barely move under the newly acquired weight.
5. Harry Potter and the Ardor of the Penis – Sometimes a young wizard’s best friend is his other magic wand
6. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Sausage – A botched breakfast order at an Ipswich Denny’s unleashes a cascade of evil breakfast meats Harry must contain
7. Harry Potter and the Deathly Shallows – When several young wizards are found drowned in a 6” wading pool, Harry has to get to the bottom of it – the case and not the pool

 

Comping soon: Harry Potter and the Very Profitable Sequel

Me:    So what do you do for a living?

Them: I’m a typesetter.

Me:    Really. They still have those? Where do you work?

Them: In the 1700s.

Me:    OK. Well that’s a long way from here. How do you get there?

Them: Time machine.

Me:    Why don’t you get a job in the here and now?

Them: Because they don’t have these type jobs here.

 

Conversations I’ve Had in 1722

Me:    So what do you do for a living?

Them: I’m a word processor.

Me:    Hmmm. Never heard of that. Where do you work?

Them: In the 2200s.

Me:    Really. And how do you get there?

Them: Time machine.

Me:    Why don’t you get a job in the here and now?

Them: Too much of a process.

Me:    I know a guy you could job share with. Maybe you’ve met him on your commute. 

Stop reading and dial 911. You stupid putz.

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I mean, do you really need to be told this? 

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And if you are actually “dialing” 911, I think the medical emergency is the least of your problems. 

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~Burglary – To steal a guy named Larry

~Burglaries – Stealing more than one Larry. The French call it Tuileries.

~Burgle – A modified bugle with an “r” in it to wake up pirates in the morning. It blares out an “Rrrrrrrrr.”

~Burgled – When you’ve stolen a hamburger. As in: He burgled a burger at Burger King

~Inexplicableness – I’d like to define it, but I can’t quite describe it

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