Posts Tagged ‘list’

1. There shall be established one approved name for all grandmothers, and it shall be Nonni.
2. The Olsen Files to be released: It shall be publicly posted why Susan Olsen (little Cindy Brady) did not participate in the first Brady reunion movie. It’s been 38 years. The public has waited long enough.
3. Ken Burns shall make a 30 hour 10-part documentary on the history of balloon animals
4. Airport Lactation Stations shall time-share as Adult Visitation Cubicles
5. If you think it’s butter, but it’s snot…It’s Chiffon
6. Those who delayed the manufacture of mustard and ketchup bottles from being made in the handier cap side down manner, shall be brought to justice. If found guilty, they shall be hung by their feet…till all the fluid rushes to their heads.
7. The Road to Hell shall henceforth be paved with Amazon gift cards

In Order to Form a More Perfect Onion

8. Young people must experience one day per year where they become their 80-year-old self. Until age 60. Then they get one day at 20.
9. It shall be understood that the use of lead pipes caused the downfall of the Roman Empire. So too shall it be recognized that the advent of the Toaster Pastry has done similarly toWestern Civilization
10. In order to strengthen the moral fiber of this country, all thong bikinis are hereby outlawed (unless you happen to be walking by me)
11. Performative tests will be undertaken to determine if “Visine really does get the Red out.”
12. Henceforth, the word “performative” shall be outlawed
13. Be it known, Peeps may be classified as Service Animals and brought aboard hovercraft or other marine conveyances
14. All Bitcoins shall be filled with chocolate and covered in gold foil and given to nephews by uncles

Edited out Dirty Ones:

8. All men shall be barred from saying to any woman, “I’d really like to get to know your inner circle.”
9. Similarly, all women shall be barred from saying to any man, “I’d really like to help me lift your manhole cover.”

1. Nomads excel at anger management
2. Czechs use Venmo
3. The Assyrians were just regular Syrians, but with really big asses
4. The Finnish are done
5. In Warsaw they Pole dance
6. The Sea Anemone is the enemy of the Yemini
7. Q: If you go into a bathroom an American, and come out an American, what are you when you’re in there?
    A: European
8. There was a time all Cavemen lived in Man Caves, but not by choice
9. Loony people from the Amazon are called Brazil nuts
10. Loony people from Wales are called Walnuts

<You deserve a break>

11. People from Wales who don’t repay money they owe, Welsh on their loans
12. Japanese, Chinese and American knees all operate the same way.
13. Bedouins love mattress sales
14. In Kashmir they buy cashmere with mere cash
15. Swedish people are so saccharine. And I think that’s kinda sweet-ish
16. Is Israel really real? It is real. I mean, it Israel.
17. Never take Stonehenge for granite
18. Romans are now stationary. And yet they’re always roamin’
19. We could go, or we Kuwait. Your choice
20. Islamabad, and it’s not getting any better

<One more pit stop>

21. ♫Here’s to the New Delhi…Same as the Old Delhi♫
      Well at least the New Delhi has vegan options.
22. Newfoundland. “Hey look, we found new land. Great. Let’s pronounce it ‘New Findland.’”
23. Yukon be serious. I’ll have Nunavut.
24. Iraq my brain and I still can’t figure an easy way to say, “I’ve jogged?” “Well, how about Iran?”
25. No one stops talking in Babylon. They just babble on and brook no nonsense.

Not part of the list, but I understand sometimes rust does sleep.

 

1. Spelt, Millet and Amaranth: A Celebration of Ancient Grains
2. American Hammertoe: Tendon Lock in the Distal Phalanx
3. Greek Mythology: A Bunch of Made-up Stuff Not Worth Knowing
4. “Everything OK Hun?”: The Adorable Way in Which Husbands Try to Participate in Their Marriages
5. Thump, Thump, Thump: When the Washing Machine is Imbalanced
6. Elon Musk: The Man, the Fragrance
7. Salt, Sugar and Fat: The Making of President William Howard Taft
8. America’s Sinkholes: A Study in Spontaneous Depressions
9. Outcasts, Hermits and Loners: The Sad Few Among Us Who Do Not Have a Podcast.

***********And 2 Politically Incorrect Ones**************

10. A Fresh Look at the World’s Most Popular Canal: The Vaginal Canal
11. When Man First Began Walking Erect: The Origin Story of Homosexuality

1. 3 on 6 Basketball – Seems unfair and it is
2. Oh Give Me a Break Dancing – A counseling session where clear-eyed therapists try to persuade Break Dancers that, for God’s sake, Break Dancing is not a sport. I mean it’s a thing, it’s just not a sport
3. Blue Collar Fencing – Forget sabers, epées and rapiers. This fencing deals with stockade, picket and chain link.
4. Austrian Tossing – it’s no just for distance, accuracy matters too. Why toss Austrians? It’s easier than throwin’ Samoans.
5. Women’s Beach Volleyball Watching –This “sport” sees how long it takes a man to watch a women’s beach volleyball until he realizes they’re actually keeping score

 

Olympic Factoid:

Q. What nation is always first when the parade of countries marches out?

A. Greece. They began the whole Olympic idea way back when they wore laurel wreaths on their heads. The rest are alphabetic.

 

6. Naked and Catheterized – If you like this sport, urine luck. I mean, if you like this sport, you’re in luck.
7. Speed Hickies – Neck sucking has never been so popular. Not surprisingly the sport originated in Transylvania
8. Competitive Eating (aka Speed Eating) – In the hot dog eating event alone, Chowboys and Chowgirls will consume a 4-lifetime supply of pig polyps.
9. Snow Writing – A Winter Olympic favorite. After drinking 64 oz. of water and using only their “on board” apparatus, competitors must accurately write the phrase Winter Olympics in the snow. Early trials have shown that although men have better penmanship, women are better spellers. Heck, I’d pay to see that. Competitors must be careful not to run out of “ink.”  
10. Synchronized Snow Angels – Could be an excellent opportunity for The Vatican to finally field a team
11. 2-Person Mixed Bobsled Insemination – Another Winter Olympic event where a man and a woman desperately try to conceive a child as they frantically cling to one another while careening down the icy bobsled track. It’s hard to both steer and cohere, so they have to make their 3 minutes really count.

 

Olympic Factoid that is not true:

In the Popeye cartoon the Olympics were referred to as the Olive Oylimpics

 

Merry Xmas everyone and remember, some day it will be 10 yeas from now, so breathe easy (and I know I wrote “yeas” instead of “years”).

Q.   What do you call a southern guy who is a stickler for syntax?

A.   Grammar Cracker

.

Compound Words

1. Something
2. Sostupid
3. Forreal

Tripound Words

1. Nonetheless
2. Novomitzone
3. Yesforreal

Fourpound Words

1. 64 oz. (get it – 4 pounds?)
2. Sheonefinebitch
3. Youstillreadingthis

1. The truth I can handle. Your breath is another story.
2. Houston, we have a polyp.
3. Now do you understand why there’s a Sawzall on my nightstand?
4. If they make Ferris Bueller’s Day Off 2 ” Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and do laundry once in a while, you could run out of pants.”
5. Doggone it! If you can’t lend me a hand, then how about a paw?
6. But I don’t need a third nostril.
7. If they make The Wizard of Oz in Alaska: “There’s no place like Nome. There’s no place like Nome.”
8. Now you’re telling me we’re out of toilet paper? It’s too late.
9. You’re an *sshole because every time we talk you manage to work in the word “rawdogging.”
10. Abner! Get away from that teat now. That milk is for baby ocelots, not for you.
11. You had me at, “I’m a millionaire.”

I just hit 18,000 followers. Amazing that Facebook would let me create 17,852 fake accounts.

 

Found out the hard way:
There is no “eye of the avalanche“

 

Years ago, erotic records were played on pornographs. They were groovy. They had to be in order to be played.

 

Let’s all say wunderkind together. Ready? 1, 2, 3…WUNDERKIND!

 

I lost my eye protection again. I guess I’ll have to do a Goggle search.

 

Frog on frog violence is sometimes the result of Toad Rage

 

For the last time, strawberry traffic jam is not a flavor

 

Is there a difference between milquetoast, and milk toast?

1. SMH – Shake My Head Industries. Helps people cope with all that’s happening around them.
2. STFU – Manufacturers of dog muzzles and gun silencers
3. LOL – A national bakery. They make clown pies that taste funny.
4. FAQ – How people in Boston say f*ck
5. YOLO – Publishes stories of Near Death Experiences. CEO says business is dead.
6. WTF – Makers of precision adult undergarments and medical supplies. Custom catheters, personalized pacemakers and digitized adult diapers.
7. ASAP – Makers of Speed Bumps and Stop Signs
8. FWIW – A Buffalo Springfield song
9. TBA – This company has big plans they hope to tell people about sometime in the future
10. DIY – An educational group for serial masturbaters
11. AKA – FYI, this company is known by many names
12. XOXO – Manufacturer of Huggies Diapers and Hershey’s Kisses