Posts Tagged ‘list’

1. 

   ABBA, IKEA, SAAB – It’s all Swedish to me.

   Foamed a runway

2. Played Liars Poker with George Santos
3. Foamed Katy Perry
4. Heard a Latin Pig grunt in Pig Latin, “nkoi-a, nkoi-a”
5. Misspelled ABBA: AHBBHA
6. Seeded a cloud with loose change just to watch it rain pennies from heaven
7. Visit Michealangelo’s sculpture studio to see all the people he got stoned
8. Gazed adoringly into your lover’s yearning eyes and breathlessly uttered, “Darling, my generals are writing checks, only your privates can cash”
9. Looked into a mirror and seen the back of your head
10. Removed (or implanted) an IUD in an elephant – hopefully a female elephant
11. Foamed a latte, then swirled a portrait of Mike Pence onto it

 

And one more dastardly one that should never have crossed my mind:

• You Haven’t Lived Until You’ve…Had your girlfriend pooh-pooh any talk of anal sex

 

1. 

   The National Holiday we don’t get a day of for (beautiful grammar there). 

   National Anthem sung by William Shatner

2. Halftime reenactment of Washington crossing the Delaware
3. Bring a smelt. Get a smelt. (Up to 5)
4. Knack tribute band performs “My Sharona”
5. Clothing Optional seating area
6. Larry Csonka moustache shave for charity
7. Goal Posts 3 feet wide
8. YouTube clip of Lucy lighting her nose on fire
9. Between 1^st and 2^nd quarter, fans to participate in 10-minute hymnal of “Bringing in the Sheaves”

HALFTIME

1. Helium rich environment so QB cadences sound like Mickey Mouse
2. Competitive Pork Rind (pigskin) eating contest
3. Smoking allowed for a change
4. Hologram of Pete Rozelle trying to pronounce name of Panthers RB Tshiminga Biakabutuka
5. Tom Cruise rappels down from scoreboard
6. Kim Kardashian’s Big Ass slide show
7. All private boxes open to the public
8. Pet friendly event
9. First 3000 fans get an above ground pool

Oh, I could go on and on. I already have.

1. 

   I have a sponge on my head …and I’m happy to see you.

   Service Mermaid – Upside: They always laugh when you say, “There’s something fishy about you.” Downside: They tend to flop around a lot on the couch.

2. Service Beaver – Be careful. There are 2 kinds. One has a much sought-after pelt, and the other one builds dams.
3. Service Psoriasis – At first you’ll resist them. But eventually they’ll get under your skin.
4. Service Giraffe – It’s true they can adjust a roof antenna, but you need a scissors jack just to put a collar on them
5. Service E. coli – Problem is, you bring one home and an hour later you’ve got 10 million mouths to feed. And PetSmart charges a fortune for a bag of E. Coli Chow. And don’t forget E. Coli Puppy Chow (till he’s full grown).
6. Service Grinch – ♫He’s a mean one. Service Grinch. He’s got garlic in his soul. He’s as cuddly as a cactus. He will find new ways to tax us. Service GRRRRinch! ♫
7. Service Dogs Named Pavlov – They’re very well-trained but they have one drawback – they drool all over the floor
8. Service Hyena – Upside: They’ll laugh at anything. Downside: If the least bit hungry, they’ll often rip out their owner’s carotid artery.
9. Service Monkey – Although a sympathetic primate, they tend to throw feces at inappropriate moments. Not that there’s an appropriate moment to throw feces, but you get the point.
10. Service Dust Bunny – Upside: Low maintenance. Downside: One sneeze and it’s $900 down the drain.
11. Service Gnats – A word of caution: They’re not much in the way of comfort and they usually vanish by getting accidentally inhaled

1. He pronounces the “b” in dumb
2. He looks at the end of your finger when you point
3. He pronounces the “L” in Christmas even though there is no “L” in Christmas. I mean there is Noel in Christmas, it’s just that there’s no “L” in Christmas.
4. He thought the Bureau of Veterans’ Affairs was created to help servicemen cheat on their spouses.
5. He thinks the Surgeon General overreached when he warned against smoking cigarettes. He believes there’s no way cigarettes could cause all that coffin.
6. That sometimes he was, just whistlin’ Dixie
7. He thinks that if you press the Ctrl+Alt+Undo buttons, Microsoft Word will remove the last 10 minutes of your life
8. He adopted an all-office supply diet; where paper clips and sticky-notes were his staples
9. He spends time devising lists about imaginary dumb people. Hey, wait a minute…

1. If I Swallow Him Whole, Can My Teacup Chihuahua Survive a Trip Through My Intestines? – Find Out the Surprising Answer.
2. I Wish My Deaf Friends Would Believe Me When I Say It’s Good to Hear from Them.
3. I’ve Stuck My Tongue to a Frozen Pole. Should I Just Go About My Business? – Discover the Surprising Answer.
4. They Say You Sound Just Like an Owl. “Who?”
5. Should I Worry About the Tinsel in My Stool? – Find Out the Surprising Answer.
6. Can You Breathe Easy Now That You’re a Lung Donor? – Find Out the Inspiring Answer.
7. Mike Pence has Asked Your Wife to Lunch. Should You Worry?
8. An Alderman has Parked a Bulldozer on your Foot. Should You Say Something? Find Out the Surprising Answer.
9. So You’re Starting to Think Maybe Hitler had a Point. Should You kill Yourself? – “Yup!”
10. We Taste Test the New Embalming Fluids. Find out What Body Part They Made Stiff.
11. Does Peppermint Bark Come from Trees? Find Out the Surprising Answer.

Whatever You Do Don’t Tell Anyone, But I’m Beginning to Think that the Only Conspiracy, is that There’s No Conspiracy.

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And Finally.

Allow me to quote little dogs everywhere when I say to you:

“Yappy New Year. Yappy, Yappy New Year Everybody, Everywhere.”

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Instances of Corporate Downsizing Due to Budgetary Constraints

1. The Acme Toupee Company, will now cover only 60% of your bald spot – Talk about pulling the rug out from under you!
2. Instead of providing “temporary relief of minor pain,” Tylenol now offers only “possible relief of fleeting discomfort”
3. Due to cuts in the Cutting Department, Southwest Airlines is no longer providing the “starter tear” on their airborne snack pretzels. “Fliers can use their teeth if they want to tear into their free lunch,” explained Southwest CFO Phillip Dingleberry. “This will save us .0004¢ per package and about $800K in workmen’s compensation claims.”
4. The non-binary community has requested the Nabisco Co. to make their Cheez-Its even less specific. Henceforth they’d like them to be called Cheez-Thems.
5. Due to supply chain issues, Nestlé’s $100,000 Bars have been downsized to $36,782 Bars
6. To reflect a budget shortfall and the consequent reduction of its amiability factor, Friendly Ice Cream is changing its name to Cordial Ice Cream. “It’s just where we’re at right now,” said its once ebullient, but now stoic CEO Cale Griswold. “When we regain our sociable mojo, we might become Friendly Ice Cream again. Till then all we can manage is to be Cordial.”
7. The Good Humor Man is now known as That Mildly Amusing Guy
8. As its business prospects have narrowed, General Motors has renamed itself Highly Specific Motors.
9. Coke Zero is now so unpopular, it’s known as Coke -3
10. Some streaming services are now barely dripping
11. As an aside: Have you ever noticed, that except for us, everyone else is so stupid?
12. Tide Detergent used to be advertised as “New & Improved.” Now it’s blandly soft-sold as being “Recent & Identical”
13. Ben & Jerry’s has shortened their name and tagline to: “BJs Really Satisfy”

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Poverty Stricken Exotic Bird Dealers Lament

1. We were poor. We couldn’t afford a toucan. We could only afford a onecan. Heck, my uncle can only afford a pecan.
Architecturally Destitute Home Buyers Lament
2. We couldn’t afford a Tudor. So we bought a Onedoor.
Poor Impatient Persons Lament
3. I can’t afford to wait for a second – only for a nanosecond. I guess time really is money.

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Other Things People Can’t Afford

1. Penny pinching opera mavens can no longer afford The Three Penny Opera. So they switched to The Two Penny Opera with fewer arias. No one seems to mind.
2. Military strategists couldn’t afford to fortify their position, so they shoddily threetified them
3. A car buyer in Waterford couldn’t afford a Ford, so he bought a Third
4. A car buyer in Norway couldn’t affjord a Fjord, so he bought a Thjird
5. Cindy Crawford couldn’t afford plastic surgery, so she kept her pigtails really, really tight

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Piss Poor – This is an actual state of penury whereby one was so poor they were reduced to selling their urine to a tanner, who could productively use the fluid in processing hides. True.

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Malnutrition in Mendicants
1. They couldn’t afford Hamburger Helper. They could only afford Helper
2. Still others couldn’t afford Helper. They could only afford to listen to the Beatles Help!
3. The natives lacked food. They referred to their diet as a die it
4. I don’t want to say they were poor. Let’s just call them resourceful. I mean they had a cookbook of cuticle recipes

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And that’s my poor attempt at enriching the world with humor. I mean to be the good humor man, but sometimes I’m just that mildly amusing guy.

 

The Rejected Bits

1. Head & Shoulders now advises shampooers to just: Rinse and Repeat. They’re skipping the lather instruction altogether because their bottles don’t contain any shampoo.
2. Hard times for brothels. Because too many prostitutes have been getting stiffed (so to speak), they’re no longer willing to go all the way. Instead, they’ll get you half-off.
3. The once formidable 3M Company has been reduced to the 2m Company

1. The Museum of Things that Look Much Better from a Distance – A place for 2^nd rate art that shouldn’t be looked at too closely
2. The Museum of Silverware That’s Been Accidentally Scarred in a Garbage Disposal – The telltale marks on this battle-weary silverware are both savage and beautiful. Some are arranged in neat trays, while others are starkly scattered on butcher block tables.
3. House of Melted Wax Museum – See big buckets of melted wax that could’ve been a famous person if it was hardened properly. Much like radio did, this museum forces you to use your imagination to envision Beyonce in a 10-gal pail of beige wax.
4. Museum of Uninterpretable Objects – It’s all there. Chicken wire nailed to a cross. A ceramic cat giving birth to porcelain kittens. An endless loop of a man screaming, “Silence!” You’ll leave thinking, “Am I missing something?” And then you’ll realize “Yes, I am missing something – the $65 admission fee.”
5. The Museum of Amnesia – It’s all there. Oh wait. Well, it was all there. Fodor’s Travel Guide raves about the place: “The Museum of Amnesia is an unforgettable experience.”
6. The Museum of Female Butchery – Once thought to be the exclusive domain of males, caring female butchers can make a slaughterhouse a slaughterhome, with a few throw pillows here and a splash of blood there. They bring humor to the profession. Female butchers can be such cut-ups.

Break for a seasonal Egg Nog or just Nog if you’re vegan

7. Museum of Things You’ll Never Be Able to Unsee – Grandma Moses pole dancing, a kangaroo dressed like Truman Capote, a hologram of Tupac Shakur scrapbooking. It’s enough to take the wind out of any one’s sails. Allow 4 hours (just to recover).
8. Museum of What May Be the Severed Tip of Vincent Van Gogh’s Ear – Supposedly found amongst some of his canvasses in 1892, it’s provenance is questionable especially considering the ear is embossed: “Made in Indonesia”
9. The Museum of Negative Space – It fills a great artistic void…with a whole lotta nuthin’. As empty experiences go, it’s one of the most fulfilling. 

Break for a cerebral-cleansing Christmas cookie

10. The Museum of the Other Side – This museum dedicates itself to what the backs, bottom and other sides of artworks look like. See Mona Lisa from behind with her barely discernible curls delicately playing on her raven hair. Witness Warhol’s Soup Cans from the bottom where you can see their expiration dates. And ogle Whistler’s Mother’s other profile.
11. The Museum of One Million Desiccated Packets – It is highly advised you moisturize before going. It’s a very unemotional museum. There’s always a dry eye in the house.
12. Museum of Orphaned Unicorns – It’s very difficult to locate. Many believe it’s, somewhere over the rainbow.

Break for a drink. “What can I get started for you?”

13. The Museum of Modern Contemporary Nowness – This museum is fabulously current. A favorite of the “Be here now” set.
14. The Museum of What Perishable Food Items Look Like After 5 Days in the Sun – It’s all there: Meat, Cheese and Leftovers. For plant positive people there’s a vegan wing.
15. The Museum of What the World Would Be Like if There Weren’t Pumpkins – A deep dive into a pumpkin-less world of Halloween Jack-O-Rutabagas. Come and experience the ubiquity of everything flavored with seasonal Gourd Spice. One visit and you’ll be scared straight. Straight to a nearby pumpkin patch.
16. The Museum of It’s 4 in the Morning and I Can’t Sleep So I’m Making this List – I’m checking it twice. I’m going to find out…

 

The Rejects…They Didn’t Pass the Mustard or pass muster…Now you can witness my creative process/editing

24. The Museum of Unnecessary Differentiation – aka MUD, like all museums this museum displays objects that look different from each other and serve no useful purpose. Surprise!

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#547 The proper way to peel a banana is from the bottom up. Try it on your next banana, you’ll thank me.

#548 Kids, stay in school

#549 I brought my Dust Bunny to the vet. He blew me off and now my Dust Bunny is no more (I know, not really a Life Hack, but it’s funny) 

#550 Repetition is important…Kids, stay in school

#550 Pay attention. Sometimes things are double numbered

#551 Kids, if you get a job paying $30 an hour or more, quit school

#552 Don’t spend more than an hour a day in your attic (This applies to kids too)

#553 Don’t spend too much time in your basement. Especially if you don’t have a basement.

#554 It’s OK to spend more than an hour a day in your attic, if you can get a job paying you $30 an hour to stay in your attic.

#555 Kids, overall, it’s probably best to stay on the 1^st or 2^nd floor

#556 It’s fun to say, “These youngsters from Liverpool, who call themselves the Beatles.”

#557 It’s now considered environmentally friendly to bury a dearly departed in a crawl space or butler’s pantry

#558 If you have braces, avoid sticking your tongue into a light socket.

#559 In fact, just generally, avoid sticking any body part into a light socket

#560 Almost all podcasts are just unstructured, stupid conversations that prior to the Internet Age were referred to as, “Aah, we were just shootin’ the sh*t.”

#561 It’s just this way…until it’s not this way, and yours is not to worry or try to overtly control it

1. The Titanic – And now they can’t recall it. Let that sink in.
2. Disappearing Ink – By the time anyone’s figured out there’s a problem, it’s already vanished
3. Shakespeare Quotes – I don’t even know how you’d recall a quote. I mean I don’t recall any of his quotes.
4. Caskets – If there’s a problem with a casket, the manufacturer just tries to bury it.
5. Auto-Dialer Phones – As I recall, I don’t recall a recaller being recalled
6. The Bean Layer of a 7-layer Dip – Who’s going to remove the bean layer? And then who’s going to buy a beanless 6-layer dip? I’ll tell you who – Dip-sh*ts.
7. Viagra – This product malfunction rarely comes up – so to speak
8. This List – You can’t unsee it. Plus, it’s way too funny to be recalled. Usually it’s shared and goes rival. I mean larval. I mean viral.

On the Menu Tonight:

The AppePfizer (brought to you by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals – a druggy division of Milton-Bradley) 

1. That I was once accused of trafficking in counterfeit stallion teeth. Neigh. Tis not true. I got them straight from the horses’ mouth.
2. That I was never able to get either foot all the way into my mouth. And yet people said I managed to do this regularly – whenever I spoke.
3. That my company selling erectile dysfunction drugs went out of business. Why? The competition was too stiff.
4. That I never met Helen Reddy’s Dingo – and now it’s too late. Fun Fact: Ringo had a Dingo named Bingo. He spelled it B-i-n-go, B-i-n-g-o, B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name.
5. That what I thought was an authentic Sharon Stone pubic hair (purchased and verified on eBay), turned out to belong to Wanda Sykes.
6. That when I shook the Pope’s hand with a joy buzzer, his Swiss Guard roughed me up.

1. That most restaurants refuse to seat me when I enter with my service ostrich. But it’s OK for Mr. Aristocrat to come in with a handkerchief full of bugers in his pocket.
2. Finding out I had 2 days to live after purchasing green bananas
3. That my hefty investment in the Used Casket business, never got off the ground – in fact it never even got out of the ground
4. That even though I knew it was true, I could never prove Toni Tennile based Muskrat Sam on me. Screw you Darryl.
5. That my fanny crack is horizontal. Very awkward, unless you’re in Japan where its buttocks as usual.

The Entrée 

1. That after attending a Reba McEntire concert, I found out later, I was facing the wrong way

Dessert

1. That Jada Pinkett sent back the toupee I sent her. And then Wil Smith slapped me with a slander suit.