Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

1. New England Damn Chowder – Favorite soup of Tourette sufferers
2. Cyrillic Alphabet Soup – It’s Greek to me
3. Split Bee – It hear it gives you a buzz
4. Chicken Poodle Soup – Made only from poodles who were euthanized
5. Vicious-soise – A stone cold soup made from really mean potatoes
6. Gaznacho – Another cold soup of congealed cheese and tomato
7. Maxistrone – When minestrone just isn’t enough
8. Italian Wedding Soup/Italian Divorce Soup – These soups have you coming and going
9. Dense Onion Soup – It’s a French Onion Soup, you just can’t get through to
10. Me So Soup – This soup is all about you. Also called Narcissisoup.
11. No Alarm Chili – Chili for white folk
12. Lobster Disc – A hard shell, hard drive programmable bisque

1. Walla Walla, Washington now Stuttgart Stuttgart, Washington
2. Shakespeare’s birthplace now Stuttgart-upon-Avon
3. Muslims would now make their annual pilgrimage to Stuttgart.
4. Plane ticketing would be very tricky, but at least you’d never land in the wrong city
5. More conversations would sound like this:

Where you from?

Stuttgart.

Really! Me too.

5. Truth or Consequences, NM now Stuttgart or Stuttgarts, NM
6. Bombay, India now Mumstuttgart, India
7. The Sinatra hit New York, New York now New Stuttgart, New Stuttgart
8. Conversation:

So where have you lived?

Well I was born in Stuttgart, but I was an Army brat so we pretty much moved from Stuttgart to Stuttgart

9. Conversation:

We honeymooned in Stuttgart Falls.

Oh, it’s beautiful there. That’s near Stuttgart isn’t it?

No, you’re thinking of the one on the Canadian side.

     10. A Gambler’s Complaint:

I’m so pissed off about the World Series. I can’t believe Stuttgart beat Stuttgart. I mean Stuttgart had all the players and yet Stuttgart still won. I hate Stuttgart.

      11. Reworked city of Rome phrases:

Well, Stuttgart wasn’t built in a day

When in Stuttgart do as the Stuttgartans do

All roads lead to Stuttgart

       12. And finally, Fairbanks, Alaska would still be a miserably cold place to live in

1. Imaginary Friends Support Group – It’s not who you know, but who you think you know
2. Massagynist Anonymous – Support group for men who rub women the wrong way
3. Leaf Blower Awareness Association – Just in case you weren’t aware enough
4. Alcoholics Specifically Named – Life is too short for anonymity. Go public or go home.
5. American Fart Association – This group stinks. However it’s very popular with 6-year olds
6. The Why Are We Always 6^th on the List Support Group – So predictable
7. The Because We’re 7^th On the List Support Group – So after the fact
8. PTSD – Pre Traumatic Stress Disorder support group for worriers who are traumatized by things that haven’t happened yet
9. 9¾-Step Recovery Program – For people who simply don’t have the time for a 12-step recovery program or just really like Harry Potter
10. Agoraphobic Hermits LTD – This group pretty much keeps to itself. No meetings, no roster, no nothing. “Minding our own business” is their rallying cry.
11. The Useless Thoughts and Prayers Support Group – This group really tries to be sincere
12. Dealing with Real Depression – A self-help group for people who live below sea level
13. The Club for Trying to Read the Tattoos on Black People – I think they’re getting ripped off. Maybe artists should use white ink
14. Adventurers Who Plan to Conquer the North and South Pole – It’s the new bipolar
15. Polar Bears Who Go Both Ways – It’s the even newer bipolar
16. LGBTQ? with ADHD – Support group for people of letters – many letters
17. Undereaters Anonymous – Not an organized group, but comprises about 25% of the world nonetheless
18. The Alliance to Prevent Total Eclipses of the Heart – Only Bonnie Tyler is eligible

1. Fallen Apple: A Story of Utmost Gravity
2. The Thin-skinned Tomato: The Case of the Saucy Wench
3. When Bananas Go Black: “Dear God. Now My Only Future is Banana Bread.”
4. The Case of the Puckered Plum: He’s All Ready to Be Kissed, But Now He’s Too Old
5. Cherries in the Pits: Gasoline Alley is Their Redemption (yes, those pits)
6. When Oranges Get Moldy: How Their Death Gave the World Penicillin
7. When Peaches Go Soft: Another Way to Feel a Warm, Soft Fuzzy
8. Where Do We Find Mangoes? Wherever Wo’man goes’
9. I Don’t Give a Fig: Lack of Compassion in a Ficus carica tree Comes Back to Haunt It
10. I Know What the Dried-up, Deformed Lemon Behind the Refrigerator Did Last Summer
11. The Case of Barry Buried Because of Beri-Beri: Shoulda Eaten Berries
12. Sour Grapes: I Know I Could’ve Written a Much Funnier List, I Just Didn’t Want Too

1. The Autobahn Society – A German charity for drivers who like to fly down the road. Not to be confused with the Audubon Society which is for the birds
2. SPCA – The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Airheads. Even idiots deserve protection.
3. Make-a-Fish Foundation – This charity enables critically ill fish to fulfill a lifelong dream before going belly up
4. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – The Polish Tourism Board’s initiative to relocate Mt. Everest to Warsaw. As they say: “Together we can move mountains.”
   

   They say charity begins at home – usually online and with a credit card.

5. The Alfred J Hitchcock Attic Fund – A Ghoulish Fundraiser to Exhume, Taxidermy and Display the Body of Anthony Perkins (star of Psycho) in a cobwebby attic
6. Habitat for Profanity – This charity builds soundproof housing for potty mouth residents
7. Doctors Without Bladders – This group is the best on the continent and also incontinent
8. Cereal Huggers of America – Combats Big Farma’s evil practice of growing wheat just to slaughter it in annual genocidal harvests
9. Friends of Bringing in the Sheaves – This Charity Group hopes to install “Bringing in the Sheaves” as America’s National Anthem
10. Bröders Without Borders – German familial organization promoting the unrestricted travel of German brothers
11. PETAC – People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal Crackers. They’re in the process of combining with Cereal Huggers of America
12. The Endowment for People Who’d Like to be Better Endowed – Seeks donations from people with really big endowments
13. The Pew Charitable Trust – Pew, they stink. It is advised you stay upwind from these very effective do-gooders. Best to donate online.
14. The Salvation Navy – At Xmas, instead of ringing a bell, they blow a foghorn
15. NAACP for Chocolatiers – The National Association for the Advancement of Chocolate People is a charity designed to prevent discrimination against artisan chocolate makers
16. A Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer – I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer. I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer.

 

All new Amazon plants to be built from wood. I guess that makes them plant based plants.

 

Part I

1. Lady Calgon of Bath
2. Lord Fishinchips
3. Princess Caitlyn – Formerly the Earl of Bruce
4. Catherine of Arrogant
5. Jane of Cleavage
6. Catherine of Kissage
7. John Longfellow of Shrinkage
8. Duchess Beatrice Higginsbottom of Titwhistle
9. Lord Camby Fetlock of Derbyshire – Although a Fetlock, he was a real horse’s arse
10. King Henry the Alligator – I know. Ridiculous, but when Parliament was looking for a new Monarch they decreed, “Bring us Henry the Alligator…and make it snappy.”

Part II

1. Lord Hartwick Chamberpot of Bladderpool
2. Briles “Bertie” Anspach of Stroke-upon-Head
3. Dame Cynthia Natwick the MILF of Heavenscleft
4. Sir Giles Dipshit of Pickwick – The Nitwit of Pickwick
5. Sir Spencer Feckless – The Coward of the County
6. Earl Earl Earlton of Earlton – Redundancy is his middle name (actually it’s Earl)
7. Dame Margaret “Bootie” Riles of Pisspiddle
8. Sir Randy Bottoms of Randy Bottoms
9. Osgood Maggot – Lord of the Flies
10. Sir Richard “Dickie” Twickencock – First Adjutant Martyr of the Royal Withstanders
11. Mycroft Tweedmouth of Worcestershire (Worcestershire is pronounced “Hullabaloo”)
12. Marquis of Queensbury – His rules rule
13. Lord Mountbatten of Bat Mountain
14. Sir Charles Vermin of Rottingham
15. Dame Cecily Pissnipple of Hardpass
16. Count Basie of Ellington
17. Duke Ellington of Basie
18. Colonel Sanders of Kent
19. Duke Paisley Park – The Duke was formerly known as Prince
20. Duchess Cordelia Drywall – Born Emily Plaster, she married the Duke of Drywall after he got plastered
21. Princess Purrsalot of Cheshire – She’s the cat’s Meow
22. Laird Matthew McConaughy – The Fifth Firth of Forth
23. Lady Constance Always of Evermore – Left an enduring legacy
24. Baron of Clothes
25. Count of Hands
26. Duke of Patty
27. Duke of Kale – the Plant-based alternative to the Duke of Patty
28. Queen Elton John
29. R2D2 – Queen of Bots
30. Bluddy Hackett – A Noted Court Jester
31. Sir Penzasword – The 1^st part of his name is mightier than the 2^nd part of his name
32. Damn Judi Dench – Mother of Dame Judi Dench
33. Dame Edna Pantaloons of Cavendish – Known as the craven dish from Cavendish
34. Lord Gloomypants of Prozac Prospect
35. Sir Thinxalot – A smart & cunning royal who some say was the inspiration for a Dr. Seuss character
36. Sir Dumasdirt – Much beloved, but couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel
37. Sir Reginald Bolus of Excrement
38. Lady Winifred Butterscotch of Scoopage
39. Lady Prudence Digby of Rigglesworth (of the Northumberland Rigglesworths’)
40. Lord Albumen of Egg – Descended of the Egg Yorks
41. Sir Thomas Libertine of Taint-upon-Arse
42. Earl of Appalachia – Yeah, that Earl
43. Lady Muffet of Tuffet – She had a way with whey
44. Dam Eloise of Ipswich – Not a Dame but an actual Dam named Eloise in Ipswich
45. Penelope Faithful of Reliance – May have dated Keith Richards
46. Lady Prunella of Nutella
47. Niles “Whitey” Heathcliff of Fluffernutter
48. Astrid Ascot of Crackage
49. Thurston Howell III – a 3-hour tour, a 3-hour tour
50. Lady Douche – Born Summers Eve
51. William the Constipated – A real tight ass
52. Jane Seymour – The Exhibitionist
53. Jane Seeless – The Prude
54. Henry the Ate – Eviler twin of Henry the 8^th. Defying the Pope, Henry the Ate legalized cannibalism and ate six of his wives.
55. Earl of Sandwich
56. Earl of Manwich
57. Duke of Sloppy Joes
58. Cleopatra Jones – Quentin Tarantino’s favorite Royal
59. Earl of Pearl’s Mom – More commonly known as Mother of Pearl
60. Henry the Abdicator – Crowned King on 3 separate occasions, but he abandoned the throne each time
61. Richard the Lyinhearted – Wrong lion. This fibbing Monarch simply could not tell the truth
62. Lord Pigsford of Hammingham
63. King Harry the Ejaculator – Best to stand to the side of him
64. Lady Ovary of a Certain Age – Lives in West Eggless
65. Teh Dkue of Dyslexia
66. Prince Charles – The Prince of Wales
67. Prince Harry Styles – The Prince of Wails
68. Prince Greenpeace – The Prince of Whales
69. Sire Sanford Smitch of Suffern Succotash
70. Lord Marlboro of Emphysema – Always joked, “What did one casket say to the other? Is that you coffin?”
71. Jacques Cousteau – The Dauphin of Dolphins

1. South Pole – It’s all there: The Tomb of the Unknown Penguin, Madame Tussaud’s Ice Museum and Roald Amundsen’s Craft Beer Emporium
2. North Pole – It’s all there: Pole Dancing Nightly (which at the North Pole lasts continuously from October to March). Visit Santa’s Workshop or Martha Stewart’s sweatshop.]
3. The Museum of Communicable Diseases – They’re all there: COVIDS 1-19, Pink Eye and Mono (also available in Stereo). Mask wearing is vigorously prohibited.
4. AmishLand Amusement Park – It’s all there: Purpose-driven Whittling, Wet Bonnet Contests and Barn Lowering (Not all barns are made to be raised. Sometimes they have to be lowered)
5. Lego Pyramids at Giza Reproduction – Faithfully built to 1:32 scale using real Lego pieces, it’s as much a waste of time and resources as the original pyramids. I think it sphinx, but that’s just my opinion. I’m sure there are 3 sides to this story.
   

   To vacate, perchance to go on holiday – Bill S quoted from As You Like It

6. Syracuse, NY Fire Station #9. Two Light Bulb Attractions in one bulb. What a great idea:
   • The World’s Shortest Burning Light Bulb – First lit on April 3, 1972 it flashed for a barely perceptible half a nanosecond and has been dark for over 50 consecutive years. Visitors flock to this shrine of brevity and marvel, “Will you look at that. Just one fleeting flash – oh, when one thinks what might have been.”
   • The World’s Longest Unlit Light Bulb – After that same light bulb went out on April 3, 1972 it has remained screwed in, powered up and unlit for over 50 consecutive years. Visitors flock to this shrine of darkness and marvel, “Will you look at that – it’s still off.” Hopeful bulbers hold vigil for its return to illumination – probably just needs to be jostled.
7. The Gobi Desert – It’s all not there: sand, gravity, sand, air, sand, daytime, sand and nighttime. It’s like a great, uncrowded beach, but without water. The bonus part is it’s in Mongolia, so the barbecue is fantastic. And in an effort to promote tourism, the Mongolian government (whatever that is) doesn’t even require a visa. You can just show up. Zen Travel Guide gives it 0 Stars and yet also 5 Stars. Go figure.
8. The Equator – GPS tells you how close you are, “Warm…warmer…Warmer…HOT, HOT…You have arrived.” Remember, it’s not an Imaginary Line if you believe in it.
9. Game of Thrones Oat Maze – Like a corn maze, but only about 2 feet high. Fun for Corgis and maybe Peter Dinklage.
10. Bangkok – Really? There’s a place they call Bangkok. It wasn’t just a placeholder until they came up with a real name. Give me a break. Next thing you know there’ll be a lake named Titicaca.
11. Glasgow, Scotland – As I write this I’m actually motoring thru Glasgow on a tour bus or “coach” as they call it here in Scotland. Inspiration is where you find it. Fun Fact: People from Glasgow are called Glaswegians. The Beatles sang about this ♫Isn’t it good, Glaswegian Wood♫
12. Paris – 2 sister monuments to the venerable Eiffel Tower: The Eyeful Tower and The Awful Tower. The Eyeful Tower is really something to see while the Awful Tower features the kitschy Awful Falafel bistro.
13. The Crab Nebula – Best interstellar seafood this side of Pisces. It’s light-years better than the Red Lobster
14. Andromeda Galaxy – Place is absolutely out of this world
15. Bible Belt – Visit this shrine and get your truth on. Resolve all your issues by reading words chiseled by uncircumcised men whose barber and dentist were the same guy
16. The Boyhood Home of Chaz Bono – Visit Sonny & Cher’s offspring’s now genderless nursery of their daughter born Chastity Bono. It’s the non-binary experience of a lifetime.
17. Elizabeth Montgomery’s Broom Closet – What could be more bewitching than a backstage look at a TV witch’s broom closet? Plenty. Visitors take note, this broom closet was curated before the creation of the Nimbus2000. Be forewarned, any comment using the cliché “this broom closet has swept me off my feet” will result in immediate expulsion.
18. Bette Davis’s Laundry Hamper – See her unwashed memories as they were on the day she died Oct. 6, 1989. It’s all there: the size 1 cocktail dress she wore on her last Tonight Show appearance, lipstick stained sleeve where a nervous tic causes her to kiss her wrist, and for some reason Joan Crawford’s truss. Tour is hosted by a hologram of Roddy MacDowell. Movie-worn shoulder pads, cigarette holders and dress shields available for purchase in gift shop.
19. Three Corners Theme Park – Thrill to see where the states of Wyoming, Montana and Idaho share a common boundary. It’s all there:
    • • The Tomb of the Unknown Rancher – Don’t know who it is, but they’re pretty sure he died with his boots on
      • Native Americans with One Tear Streaming Down Their Cheek – Combine broken treaties, land usurpation and firewater intolerance and you’d be crying too. I have my reservations about visiting this reserv…I mean defined area where Indians must live.
      • Wyoming’s Stonehenge – 12 Plymouth Belvederes buried up to their tailfins, zodiacally arranged to align with the Summer Solstice
      • BLM (Bureau of Land Management) Administrator Hung in Effigy – Left dangling as a reminder to meddlers
      • Shrine to the Jolly Rancher – A celebration of the lighter side of ad hoc militias
      • Brokeback Mountain Roller Coaster – One trip on this dizzying ride and your orientation might be changed forever
      • .
20. The Museum of Recovered Memories – Make up a whole new past life or just think that you have. Remember, it’s not imaginary if you believe in it.

Early London Tube Routes No Longer in Use

1. The Vacuum Tube – Antiquated route. Replaced by the Transistor Tube and eventually the Digital Highway
2. The Fallopian Tube – AKA “The Tunnel of Love.” Getting there was half the fun and once there people didn’t want to leave
3. The Test Tube – Never got beyond beta. They were always experimenting with this Tube.
4. The Boob Tube – Fail. Riders watched it instead of riding it
5. Like Totally Tubular Man – The fact that it was located in San Fernando Valley and not England had more to do with its demise than anything else

 

Notable Tube Stops

1. Mattress Springs
2. Gobsmack Wickets
3. Poopchute Commons
4. Hospital Corners
5. Isle of View (AKA – I Love You)
6. Sure Would Forest
7. Minster
8. West Minster
9. Upper Minster
10. Lower Minster
11. Minster-upon-Minster
12. Minster Minster Minster – Marcia Brady lived here briefly
13. Minsterpool
14. Minstershire
15. Minsterham
16. Shrinkage Flats
17. Upper Lip
18. Stiff Upper Lip
19. Lifesasham
20. Eden
21. East of Eden
22. Titwhistle Sound
23. Spit-by-the-Sea
24. Mucous Greens
25. Paltrow Goop
26. Cabbie Abbey
27. UBER Abbey
28. Abbey Road
29. Bedlam
30. Mayhem
31. Bedham
32. Maylem
33. Maybe Bedlam, Maybe Mayhem
34. Bridge-over-Troubled Waters
35. Fancy That Guvnah
36. East Fancy That Guvnah
37. Cameltoe Arches
38. Blossom Farts Hollow
39. Stratford-upon-Avon – Home to Shakespeare
40. Nose-upon-Face
41. White-on-Rice
42. Once-upon-Atime – Home to Fairytales
43. Picklesworth
44. East Picklesworth
45. Slightly East, But More to the Northeast Without Actually Being In East Picklesworth Proper
46. Nowhere Near Picklesworth, more Devonshire than Picklesworth
47. Will You Forget Picklesworth Already This is Cavendish Forks
48. Gherkinville
49. 55 Miles Due East of Picklesworth
50. Stink-on-Shite
51. Paper Docks
52. Shallowpool
53. Humbug Station
54. Scrooge Rectory
55. Jesus, Will You Let It Go, You’re Not in Picklesworth Anymore and We’re Not Even Going to Picklesworth
56. East Jesus, Will You Let It Go, You’re Not in Picklesworth Anymore and We’re Not Even Going to Picklesworth
57. The Heights of Impropriety 
    
58. Pissinboot Falls
59. Prominent Flats
60. Plain Commons
61. Extraordinary Commons
62. Dingleberry Farms
63. Papist Trappings
64. Texarkana – Who knew they’d have one too?
65. Sticky Wicket Thickets

1. Green Eggs and Hamlet – A charming farce about breakfast during the Renaissance
   

   1564-1616. Numbers don’t do him justice. But words do. Much ado.

2. The Book of Norman – The Norman Conquest as seen through the eyes of a zealous young missionary, Prince Brigham
3. Romeo & Romeo – Set in a Roman bath house, this steamy play about gladiator hygiene introduces the recurring character of Bette Midler
4. The Merry Wives of Vlad the Impaler – The bard takes a lighter look at Vlad’s happier domestic life. This is not the one-dimensional “head on a pike” Vlad that can be so dreary.
5. MEGA – Make England Great Again. This play later morphed into The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
6. Do You Know the Muffin Man. Well, Do Ya Punk? – This play begat the character of Dirty Harry
7. Taming of the Jew – A headstrong Semite is mellowed after his desired behaviors are rewarded with bagels
8. A Midsummer’s Night Protest March for Redress of Grievances Against the King – The peasants revolt against the King’s knights use of excessive force – especially when a simple, “Will you kindly give us your first born,” would do. Uprising eventually leads to King John relinquishing some power by signing the Magna Carta.
9. Two Gentleman from the Tenderloin – Rosencrantz and Guildenstern visit Stonewall and wind up in chains – though by choice
   

   While visiting his home in Stratford-upon-Avon, I paid homage at his burial site in Holy Trinity Church.

10. Juliet and Juliet – 2 chefs battle to the death in a final cook-off to see who will become Queen Elizabeth’s court chef. Neither want to lose their head over this, but one will. It’s like a medieval version of the Food Network’s show Chopped. Also, Juliet and Juliet, may have been the basis for the 2009 foodie movie Julie & Julia.
11. How Now Brown Cow – Falstaff develops unaccountable feelings for his cow Bessie, in a love that dare not speak its name. Audiences found it very mooving.
12. Thou Wench Doth Spaketh Poorly – A grammar snob decries the lack of the King’s English spoken by a Cockney street urchin. Play later became My Fair Lady
13. A Pursuit Most Trivial – Professor Maximillian of Cambridge keeps pestering the faculty with pointless quiz questions on a variety of topics. Eventually it becomes a board game craze and he makes a million. Which influenced play #14
14. Maximillian Makes a Million – A stunningly unorthodox play where the protagonist (Professor Maximilian) confesses that it wasn’t the first million, but rather the second million that was actually the hardest to make. No one was exhibiting meta-humor in 1590, except for Shakespeare. This “lost” play never made it out of previews in Greenwich. Its charred script was discovered near his Globe Theater in 2007 after getting singed in London’s Great Fire of 1666.
15. Sir Thinxalot – This brilliant Knight of the Eggheads defeats opponents with wit and cunning. In Act II he marries Lady Mensa.
16. The Gouger of Venice – A greedy Venice merchant overcharges its citizens for gondola rides until the Doge gently persuades him to “play nice” or have his disemboweled entrails strewn all over St. Mark’s Square
17. Bangers and Mash – An Olde English version of Starsky and Hutch
18. East Side Story – A musical version of Romeo and Juliet. Who would ever dream a musical like that would work – unless you transferred it to the West Side.
19. Ojello – This first draft involving rendering horses into edible byproducts somehow transformed into Othello
20. The “Ado” Plays

• • Much Ado About Nothing
  • Some Ado About Some Thing
  • A Little Ado About a Few Things
  • No Ado About Anything
  • Much Adieu About French Good Byes

 

Shakespeare was celebrated in his day because he wrote popular and relatable plays for the masses and aristocracy alike. This was before Johan Gutenberg’s printing press made books/novels/stories generally available. There wasn’t much entertainment competition. Shakespeare had the field pretty much to himself. Theater going was one of the few ways your average Lancelot entertained himself. Will S. actually became more popular after his death (just like I will). Back then the play really was the thing.

This is by no means a condemnation of the outsized talents of Shakespeare, just a perspective on our most worthiest of playwrights

Still, I wonder why playwright isn’t spelled playwrite. Makes no sense. Oh well – a little ado about everything.