Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

1. 

   Ship Happens.
   Keel with it!

   Sank You Very Much – Great ship but usually found at the bottom of the ocean

2. Heroine On Board – The Coast Guard is always stopping this ship owned by Wonder Woman Gal Gadot
3. The Lima, the Piñto and the Santa Garbanzo – Sailed by Christopher Legumebus
4. LGBT QE2 – That is one royal party ship
5. The USS Raymond Burr – The other “Old Ironside”
6. HMS Brawny – Sister ship to the HMS Bounty
7. HMS Corgi – Sister ship to the HMS Beagle
8. Andriadorable – Way cuter than the Andrea Doria
9. The Lucidtania – A clearer thinking version of the Lusitania
10. What’s Your Cap Size – Worst double entendre ever
11. Titanic II – With Global Warming there are very few icebergs to avoid
12. Listing Heavily – Corporate ship of Craig’s List

People never have to leave home now. They can be home-birthed, home-schooled and work from home. They can have meals and groceries home-delivered.

If they get sick – homeopathy.

All their friends – homies.

All their hits – homers.

They can even visit the Great Outdoors by sitting on their ovens where they’re Home, Home on the Range.

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.

1. New England Damn Chowder – Favorite soup of Tourette sufferers
2. Cyrillic Alphabet Soup – It’s Greek to me
3. Split Bee – It hear it gives you a buzz
4. Chicken Poodle Soup – Made only from poodles who were euthanized
5. Vicious-soise – A stone cold soup made from really mean potatoes
6. Gaznacho – Another cold soup of congealed cheese and tomato
7. Maxistrone – When minestrone just isn’t enough
8. Italian Wedding Soup/Italian Divorce Soup – These soups have you coming and going
9. Dense Onion Soup – It’s a French Onion Soup, you just can’t get through to
10. Me So Soup – This soup is all about you. Also called Narcissisoup.
11. No Alarm Chili – Chili for white folk
12. Lobster Disc – A hard shell, hard drive programmable bisque

1. Walla Walla, Washington now Stuttgart Stuttgart, Washington
2. Shakespeare’s birthplace now Stuttgart-upon-Avon
3. Muslims would now make their annual pilgrimage to Stuttgart.
4. Plane ticketing would be very tricky, but at least you’d never land in the wrong city
5. More conversations would sound like this:

Where you from?

Stuttgart.

Really! Me too.

5. Truth or Consequences, NM now Stuttgart or Stuttgarts, NM
6. Bombay, India now Mumstuttgart, India
7. The Sinatra hit New York, New York now New Stuttgart, New Stuttgart
8. Conversation:

So where have you lived?

Well I was born in Stuttgart, but I was an Army brat so we pretty much moved from Stuttgart to Stuttgart

9. Conversation:

We honeymooned in Stuttgart Falls.

Oh, it’s beautiful there. That’s near Stuttgart isn’t it?

No, you’re thinking of the one on the Canadian side.

     10. A Gambler’s Complaint:

I’m so pissed off about the World Series. I can’t believe Stuttgart beat Stuttgart. I mean Stuttgart had all the players and yet Stuttgart still won. I hate Stuttgart.

      11. Reworked city of Rome phrases:

Well, Stuttgart wasn’t built in a day

When in Stuttgart do as the Stuttgartans do

All roads lead to Stuttgart

       12. And finally, Fairbanks, Alaska would still be a miserably cold place to live in

1. Imaginary Friends Support Group – It’s not who you know, but who you think you know
2. Massagynist Anonymous – Support group for men who rub women the wrong way
3. Leaf Blower Awareness Association – Just in case you weren’t aware enough
4. Alcoholics Specifically Named – Life is too short for anonymity. Go public or go home.
5. American Fart Association – This group stinks. However it’s very popular with 6-year olds
6. The Why Are We Always 6^th on the List Support Group – So predictable
7. The Because We’re 7^th On the List Support Group – So after the fact
8. PTSD – Pre Traumatic Stress Disorder support group for worriers who are traumatized by things that haven’t happened yet
9. 9¾-Step Recovery Program – For people who simply don’t have the time for a 12-step recovery program or just really like Harry Potter
10. Agoraphobic Hermits LTD – This group pretty much keeps to itself. No meetings, no roster, no nothing. “Minding our own business” is their rallying cry.
11. The Useless Thoughts and Prayers Support Group – This group really tries to be sincere
12. Dealing with Real Depression – A self-help group for people who live below sea level
13. The Club for Trying to Read the Tattoos on Black People – I think they’re getting ripped off. Maybe artists should use white ink
14. Adventurers Who Plan to Conquer the North and South Pole – It’s the new bipolar
15. Polar Bears Who Go Both Ways – It’s the even newer bipolar
16. LGBTQ? with ADHD – Support group for people of letters – many letters
17. Undereaters Anonymous – Not an organized group, but comprises about 25% of the world nonetheless
18. The Alliance to Prevent Total Eclipses of the Heart – Only Bonnie Tyler is eligible

1. Fallen Apple: A Story of Utmost Gravity
2. The Thin-skinned Tomato: The Case of the Saucy Wench
3. When Bananas Go Black: “Dear God. Now My Only Future is Banana Bread.”
4. The Case of the Puckered Plum: He’s All Ready to Be Kissed, But Now He’s Too Old
5. Cherries in the Pits: Gasoline Alley is Their Redemption (yes, those pits)
6. When Oranges Get Moldy: How Their Death Gave the World Penicillin
7. When Peaches Go Soft: Another Way to Feel a Warm, Soft Fuzzy
8. Where Do We Find Mangoes? Wherever Wo’man goes’
9. I Don’t Give a Fig: Lack of Compassion in a Ficus carica tree Comes Back to Haunt It
10. I Know What the Dried-up, Deformed Lemon Behind the Refrigerator Did Last Summer
11. The Case of Barry Buried Because of Beri-Beri: Shoulda Eaten Berries
12. Sour Grapes: I Know I Could’ve Written a Much Funnier List, I Just Didn’t Want Too

1. The Autobahn Society – A German charity for drivers who like to fly down the road. Not to be confused with the Audubon Society which is for the birds
2. SPCA – The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Airheads. Even idiots deserve protection.
3. Make-a-Fish Foundation – This charity enables critically ill fish to fulfill a lifelong dream before going belly up
4. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – The Polish Tourism Board’s initiative to relocate Mt. Everest to Warsaw. As they say: “Together we can move mountains.”
   

   They say charity begins at home – usually online and with a credit card.

5. The Alfred J Hitchcock Attic Fund – A Ghoulish Fundraiser to Exhume, Taxidermy and Display the Body of Anthony Perkins (star of Psycho) in a cobwebby attic
6. Habitat for Profanity – This charity builds soundproof housing for potty mouth residents
7. Doctors Without Bladders – This group is the best on the continent and also incontinent
8. Cereal Huggers of America – Combats Big Farma’s evil practice of growing wheat just to slaughter it in annual genocidal harvests
9. Friends of Bringing in the Sheaves – This Charity Group hopes to install “Bringing in the Sheaves” as America’s National Anthem
10. Bröders Without Borders – German familial organization promoting the unrestricted travel of German brothers
11. PETAC – People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal Crackers. They’re in the process of combining with Cereal Huggers of America
12. The Endowment for People Who’d Like to be Better Endowed – Seeks donations from people with really big endowments
13. The Pew Charitable Trust – Pew, they stink. It is advised you stay upwind from these very effective do-gooders. Best to donate online.
14. The Salvation Navy – At Xmas, instead of ringing a bell, they blow a foghorn
15. NAACP for Chocolatiers – The National Association for the Advancement of Chocolate People is a charity designed to prevent discrimination against artisan chocolate makers
16. A Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer – I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer. I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer.

 

All new Amazon plants to be built from wood. I guess that makes them plant based plants.

 

Part I

1. Lady Calgon of Bath
2. Lord Fishinchips
3. Princess Caitlyn – Formerly the Earl of Bruce
4. Catherine of Arrogant
5. Jane of Cleavage
6. Catherine of Kissage
7. John Longfellow of Shrinkage
8. Duchess Beatrice Higginsbottom of Titwhistle
9. Lord Camby Fetlock of Derbyshire – Although a Fetlock, he was a real horse’s arse
10. King Henry the Alligator – I know. Ridiculous, but when Parliament was looking for a new Monarch they decreed, “Bring us Henry the Alligator…and make it snappy.”

Part II

1. Lord Hartwick Chamberpot of Bladderpool
2. Briles “Bertie” Anspach of Stroke-upon-Head
3. Dame Cynthia Natwick the MILF of Heavenscleft
4. Sir Giles Dipshit of Pickwick – The Nitwit of Pickwick
5. Sir Spencer Feckless – The Coward of the County
6. Earl Earl Earlton of Earlton – Redundancy is his middle name (actually it’s Earl)
7. Dame Margaret “Bootie” Riles of Pisspiddle
8. Sir Randy Bottoms of Randy Bottoms
9. Osgood Maggot – Lord of the Flies
10. Sir Richard “Dickie” Twickencock – First Adjutant Martyr of the Royal Withstanders
11. Mycroft Tweedmouth of Worcestershire (Worcestershire is pronounced “Hullabaloo”)
12. Marquis of Queensbury – His rules rule
13. Lord Mountbatten of Bat Mountain
14. Sir Charles Vermin of Rottingham
15. Dame Cecily Pissnipple of Hardpass
16. Count Basie of Ellington
17. Duke Ellington of Basie
18. Colonel Sanders of Kent
19. Duke Paisley Park – The Duke was formerly known as Prince
20. Duchess Cordelia Drywall – Born Emily Plaster, she married the Duke of Drywall after he got plastered
21. Princess Purrsalot of Cheshire – She’s the cat’s Meow
22. Laird Matthew McConaughy – The Fifth Firth of Forth
23. Lady Constance Always of Evermore – Left an enduring legacy
24. Baron of Clothes
25. Count of Hands
26. Duke of Patty
27. Duke of Kale – the Plant-based alternative to the Duke of Patty
28. Queen Elton John
29. R2D2 – Queen of Bots
30. Bluddy Hackett – A Noted Court Jester
31. Sir Penzasword – The 1^st part of his name is mightier than the 2^nd part of his name
32. Damn Judi Dench – Mother of Dame Judi Dench
33. Dame Edna Pantaloons of Cavendish – Known as the craven dish from Cavendish
34. Lord Gloomypants of Prozac Prospect
35. Sir Thinxalot – A smart & cunning royal who some say was the inspiration for a Dr. Seuss character
36. Sir Dumasdirt – Much beloved, but couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel
37. Sir Reginald Bolus of Excrement
38. Lady Winifred Butterscotch of Scoopage
39. Lady Prudence Digby of Rigglesworth (of the Northumberland Rigglesworths’)
40. Lord Albumen of Egg – Descended of the Egg Yorks
41. Sir Thomas Libertine of Taint-upon-Arse
42. Earl of Appalachia – Yeah, that Earl
43. Lady Muffet of Tuffet – She had a way with whey
44. Dam Eloise of Ipswich – Not a Dame but an actual Dam named Eloise in Ipswich
45. Penelope Faithful of Reliance – May have dated Keith Richards
46. Lady Prunella of Nutella
47. Niles “Whitey” Heathcliff of Fluffernutter
48. Astrid Ascot of Crackage
49. Thurston Howell III – a 3-hour tour, a 3-hour tour
50. Lady Douche – Born Summers Eve
51. William the Constipated – A real tight ass
52. Jane Seymour – The Exhibitionist
53. Jane Seeless – The Prude
54. Henry the Ate – Eviler twin of Henry the 8^th. Defying the Pope, Henry the Ate legalized cannibalism and ate six of his wives.
55. Earl of Sandwich
56. Earl of Manwich
57. Duke of Sloppy Joes
58. Cleopatra Jones – Quentin Tarantino’s favorite Royal
59. Earl of Pearl’s Mom – More commonly known as Mother of Pearl
60. Henry the Abdicator – Crowned King on 3 separate occasions, but he abandoned the throne each time
61. Richard the Lyinhearted – Wrong lion. This fibbing Monarch simply could not tell the truth
62. Lord Pigsford of Hammingham
63. King Harry the Ejaculator – Best to stand to the side of him
64. Lady Ovary of a Certain Age – Lives in West Eggless
65. Teh Dkue of Dyslexia
66. Prince Charles – The Prince of Wales
67. Prince Harry Styles – The Prince of Wails
68. Prince Greenpeace – The Prince of Whales
69. Sire Sanford Smitch of Suffern Succotash
70. Lord Marlboro of Emphysema – Always joked, “What did one casket say to the other? Is that you coffin?”
71. Jacques Cousteau – The Dauphin of Dolphins