Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

The Topic is Dark, But in an Upbeat, Dark Chocolate Kinda Way

Reasons Why People Choose to be Euthanized

1. They now find that when one door closes, another 2 doors also close
2. Try as they might, whenever life gives them lemons, all they can make is urine
3. Nut milks not delivering on their promise
4. HHDS (Hogan’s Heroes Derangement Syndrome). Ever since Hogan’s Heroes was summarily cancelled (without explanation) in 1971, hundreds of post-adolescent men have suffered from this late onset syndrome. I know I do.

Reset: Reasons People Choose to be Euthanized

5. One of their personalities gets a Restraining Order on the other
6. Their self-driving car goes out on rides without them
7. They’re convinced those cyber bitches Alexa and Siri are scheming against them
8. No one is impressed any more by your “State Quarter” collection. And then you discover they weren’t impressed by it in the first place.
9. Toaster doesn’t care where you set the Darkness dial. It pops up after it thinks it’s done
10. You just spotted your so-called Psychiatrist washing dishes at the Waffle House
11. Every time you get to the front of the line, everyone turns 180° around and says, “Sorry Charlie, you’re at the back now?”
12. You can no longer find Rita Moreno’s 1980 Pepsodent commercial on YouTube
13. The endless frustration of being unable to turn raisins back into grapes
14. Did you know that Euthanasia outnumber youth in Europe?
15. Your self-deprecating humor now hitting too close to home
16. Your shadow is now acting independently of your movements
17. That Aha video “Take On Me” no longer brings you the joy it once did. In fact it’s scary as hell now.
18. Some people euthanize preemptively because they think they’ve learned all they can from this incarnation and just want to get on with the next one

1. I stand with all paraplegics
2. Freedom is not dom, it just sounds that way
3. Beavers Lives Matter #JerryMathersMatters
4. I deeply care about things in an abstract, non-participatory sense
5. I’m passionate about slacktivism and clicktivism
6. If I knew what disingenuous meant, I guess I’d be angry
7. I donate money to many causes anonymously. Here’s a list.
8. I have high moral values…in public
9. I’m just a humble narcissist expressing his false modesty

1. I’m just a humble narcissist suffering from false modesty
2. Most appropriate song in the Ukraine: Crimea River
3. Warning to Anna Phylactic: The enclosed Ideas were written on equipment used in processing tree nuts
4. Henceforth all cities are forbidden to change their names. Listening Peking, Bombay, Kiev? Nobody needed to learn Beijing, Mumbai or Kyiv. Heck, I still call New York City, New Amsterdam. Sometimes I even refer to North America as Terra Incognita or simply the New World, but I’m an old soul. And you too P Diddy or whatever is the latest iteration of your name. You will always be Sean Combs. It’s bad enough your first name doesn’t have an “h” in it.
   

   I love my kitty. This picture has nothing to do with this list. I just love my kitty and I don’t care who knows.

5. You’d think the UCS (Union of Concerned Scientists) would have greater interest in this list. They don’t. These so called “Concerned Scientists” could care less. Hypocritical bastards.
6. If you don’t like this list, don’t humor me with that, “It’s not you, it’s the font” malarkey
7. My dog thinks these ideas are too clever by arf.
8. If when reading this list you experience dangerous waves of laughter, stop reading and dial 911…and please listen carefully because some of their menu options have changed
9. #9 removed by the Union of Concerned Scientist because they were concerned it was “too funny” and would lead to #8. Oh sure, I’m at my funniest and suddenly they’re all concerned.
10. #10 removed by the humanitarian organization Doctors Without Bladders. Well they can piss off.
11. My yogurt has had its acidophilus and bulgaricus culture removed by woke vegans. Just another example of cancel culture.
12. The Cyrillic Alphabet is hard enough, but the symbols ¥ĭŋŧŧƌƣǣȝȾɏɖɖ will lead you to Rune
13. What makes us human? Well we’re the only species to look at our Q-Tips or Kleenex after we’ve used them
14. I’m more aware of your pancreas than you think
15. When is it appropriate to donate something to Goodwill? For example, I have things hanging in my closet I haven’t worn in over a year: a really ugly vest and a couple of raccoons I found guilty of treason. Do I just give them away?

Note to Readers: David Hardiman is a multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content. He now refers to himself as the symbol “Ɵ.”

Hello again everyone. I am Ɵ (the multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content formerly known as David Hardiman). Glad to of made your acquaintance. No. That should have read: Glad to have made your acquaintance. Maybe it is the font after all.

Peace and Love,

Ringo

Top 10 (or so) Least Popular “White Noise” Ambient Sounds

1. Rain falling on a corpse
2. An endless loop of “Please listen carefully as some of our menu options have changed”
3. Waves crashing on a Land Rover parked too close to the shore
4. Nail guns operated by the Marine Drum & Bugle Corps
5. Wind blowing through an orphanage
6. An endless loop of “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911”
7. Morgan Freeman slowly enunciating, “Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Heeeeere kitty.”
8. A batter repeatedly hit on the ankle by a 95 mph fastball
9. A continuous sound of rubber being punctured by one of those “Caution: Severe Tire Damage” spikes.
10. The Gettysburg Address solemnly spoken in Pig Latin
11. A quartet of Leaf Blowers playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”
12. The sound of no hands clapping. AKA the Sound of Silence.
    

    Whatever get’s ya thru the night…It’s alright. It’s alright.

13. Christopher Walken reciting “Rock-a-Bye Baby”
14. The whoosh of toilets flushing
15. A 15-round recording of Rock’em Sock’em robots boxing
16. A veterinarian brushing Grover’s teeth. Grover is his assistant.
17. The zipping sounds of aestheticians administering a bikini wax

And if this list doesn’t put you to sleep, nothing will.

CEO Heralds Cruella’s Tomb Town as “Hilariously Grave”

Coming on the heels of its popular Toon Town, the Walt Disney Corporation announced a ghoulishly new addition called Cruella’s Tomb Town. The delightfully macabre park is overseen by the wicked villainess who shows a cheerier side of herself. The park promises to combine the heart-stopping thrill of graveyard walking with the white-knuckling chill of mortuary science. “You might enter the gates of Tomb Town feeling becalmed, but you’ll leave feeling embalmed,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek in a cryptic XOOM meeting with shareholders.

Keep your friends close, and your Glenn Close too.

A suitably morose Chapek said he hopes Tomb Town can pick up where Michael Jackson’s Thriller left off, but without all the adolescent sleepovers. “This is going to be bigger than gender reveal parties and kids are going to just love the ice cream served at the Tomb Town Creamatorium – it’s scooped into a cute little urn and sprinkled with Jimmys – Jimmy Hoffa’s.” Then, thinking his XOOM camera was off, Chapek took off his shirt and scratched like an ape.  

Early beta-testing of Tomb Town revealed a few kinks. For example an employee was arrested for indecent exposure while trying to lay a wreath at the grave of Hugh Hefner. Disney brushed off the whole affair as a simple case of “miscommunication.” In another incident, Tinkerbell bitch-slapped a heckling visitor while shouting, “Oh yeah, I’ll show you who’s a fairy.” But all these glitches were ironed out and now Cruella’s Tomb Town is a side-splitting celebration of cemetery satire, a bastion of boffo boneyard absurdity, a mecca of mausoleum mirth and a crypt of killer comedy. Who knew a happily morbid park could do all that?

Cruella’s Tomb Town features such amusing and macabre delights as:

1. The Hall of Animatronic Caskets where you can hear one casket say to the other, “Is that you coffin?”
2. Skeletons of the Caribbean – Enjoy a politically incorrect laugh when you hear the Japanese captain announce over the ship’s intercom, “This is your pirate speaking.”
3. Burial Pyramid of Calvin Burkhart – A tribute to the greatest triangle player the world has ever known
4. The Urn of Cinder-ella – Talk about return to cinder. On Saturday night the Spice Girls perform and at exactly midnight they all turn into Pumpkin Spice.
5. The Catacombs of Katy Coombs – They’re not Popes. They’re all Katies. Katies named Coombs. And who created these catacombs? – Katydid.
6. Bates Motel Attic of Taxidermied Animals – You’ll feel so unclean after viewing them, you’ll want to take a shower right there. Not a good idea. Park managers strongly advise you shower when you get home.
7. Plot of the Plotters of the Lincoln Assassination – You’ll plotz when you see their dastardly plots
8. Tomb of Dumbo the Elephant – Or is it the Elephant Man? Either way that’s one helluva trunk.
9. Cryogenic Crypt of the Cast of Frozen – Careful, there are some real ice-holes buried here
10. It’s a Really, Really, Really Small World After All – Burial ground for professors of quantum physics
11. It’s a Tall World After All – Burial ground of former Los Angeles Lakers
12. See the Tomb of the Unknown Celebrity – You know his face, but you can’t quite remember his name: It’s that guy from, you know, that show where he’s the father of grown-up Opie   
13. Tomb of the Well Known Vagrant – He accomplished little and amounted to even less, but just like a Cheers customer, everybody knew his name: Boxcar Willie
14. Grave of Peter Graves – Mission Possible. Very popular with boomers. The grave self-destructs every 5 seconds
15. Crypts of the Osmonds’ – We know. They’re all still living, but these are the coffins they plan to be buried in. Marie’s is a little bit country and Donny’s is a little bit Rock-n-Roll. Andy Williams is interred nearby.
16. Main Street Parade – If you thought the choreography in Thriller was stiff, wait till you see the Zombies lurch in this chilling celebration of the afterlife. Sponsored by Caucasian Boogie Co.
17. OB/GYN Land – Hear Nurse Martin sing: ♫Mary had a little lamb and the doctor was surprised♫
18. Crypt of the Transgendered Hermaphrodite – It’s a real Journey. ♫Any way you want it. That’s the way you need it. Any way you want it♫  
19. Buying a Big Box Casket from a Big Box Store – It’s like buying a moo-moo at the Dress Barn. A match made in heaven. Prepare for your post-existing condition today
20. Cadaverous Food Court – Business is dead and so are half the patrons in this light-hearted look at dining with the deceased. All the fast food restaurants are represented: Scary Queen, Dead Lobster, iHopped and of course the regular version of Waffle House.
21. See Bodies Lying in State – This mp3 file shows people lying in different states: Iowa, Tennessee and some are even lying in a state of serenity. And while some are lying in state, others are telling the truth. Not recommended for people that don’t like visual puns.
22. Tomb of the Unknown Narcissist – You really have to watch yourself in this one. Maybe you don’t know who he is, but he sure does. Even when he died he didn’t stray far from his body. Put it this way, when he died he was absolutely beside himself.

CEO Chapek believes the future belongs to the squeamish and that Cruella’s Tomb Town is uniquely positioned to capture this cultural wince factor. With the addition of Cruella’s Tomb Town, we’ll soon discover whether Disney can be both the happiest and ghastliest place on earth.