Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different if Jesus was 3’6” tall

1. Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount would’ve been called The Sermon on the Mount in Elevator Sandals
2. At only 3½ feet tall, rising from the dead wouldn’t be such a big deal. Especially when compared to the aerodynamic forces at play in rising a full-grown Messiah.
3. {Esoteric Reference Alert, Dana} Chinese Christians would probably bind their children’s pituitary glands to reduce their HGH (human growth hormone) in hopes of keeping them small and delicate and therefore more spiritually desirable.
4. (#4 is not part of the list, just a cautionary note to self) I really shouldn’t mess with Jesus. He’s one of the few good guys whether in Regular or Mini-me size.
5. At the Last Supper, Jesus would’ve been sitting in a booster seat. Very bad optics on that one.
6. Astronomers would have to change the term “White Dwarf Star” to “Vertically Challenged Caucasian Star.”
7. So called “Body of Christ” wafers would be 1/3 smaller and contain fewer calories. Over the span of 2000 years, it is estimated the Catholic Church would’ve saved almost $200 in sacramental expenses.

 

Top 10 People with No Regrets

1. There are no people without regrets. Those who claim to be are liars.
2. Liars

 

Top 10 Celebrities Who Wish They Were Younger

1. All of them

 

Top 10 People Named Frank Briscoe

1. Frank Briscoe
2. Franklin “Frank” Briscoe
3. Artemis “Frank” Briscoe
4. Frank Briscoe-Mellencamp

 

Top 10 Least Popular Men’s Adult Entertainment Magazines

1. #MeToo
2. The Women of Bulgaria’s Prisons…and the Guards Who Love Them
3. Early Onset Cellulose
4. Cuticle Cuties of Calcutta (For the Fingertip Fetishist)
5. Harvard Law Review

 

Top 10 People Almost Named “Kayla Williams”

1. Kelly Williams
2. Caitlyn Wilmore
3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass

 

Top 10 People Who Should Use Fanny Spackle to Fill the Top of Their Butt Crack When they Bend Over

1. No one wants to see that.
2. Carpet Layers
3. People Who Lay Anything

 

Top Ten Things Souls Say to God After He tells Them They’re Going to Be Reincarnated As a Black Man in Alabama

1. Really?
2. No c’mon man, really?
3. Whatever they’re paying you I’ll double it.
4. Well yeah, the idea of toleration is great as long as you’re not the thing that’s being tolerated.
5. How about Detroit, or at least California?

 

Top 10 People Who Have an Inflated View of Themselves

1. Snoopy… in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
2. Good Year blimp
3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass
4. I know. The first 2 aren’t people and the third one may or may not be a person, but I’m running out of ideas and this seemed like a good premise.
5. Napoleon Blownapart

 

Top 10 Something or Others

1. Something
2. Others

Sayonara Baby! (I’m in Japan now. Tokyo Prefecture. Chiyoda-Ku Ward)

1. TGITAs – Thank God It’s Tuesday Afternoon. Lots of Moody Blues.
2. A Confederacy of Donuts – The dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived paean to plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and serfs eat free. Ask about our Cotton Pickin’ Specials.
3. Gristle’s – Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Pulmonary Vein
4. The International House of Hoecakes – Our Hoecakes are blown out of proportion
5. Heimlich’s – A German tapas house, featuring small chokable portions
6. Hammertoe’s – Specializing in Pig’s Feet
7. A seafood restaurant called The Poop Deck – It’s not what you think. It’s worse.
8. Pig’s Feet – Specializing in Hammertoes
9. Grunty’s – If you love flushing, you’ll love Grunty’s
10. Abbatoir’s – Select your dinner from our livestock pen. Just point and click. All slaughtering done on site.
11. The Crossdressing Dairy Queen – Think twice about ordering anything made with cream.
12. Old MacDonald’s – Not affiliated with MacDonald’s. Featuring Farm to Table cuisine. 2 new locations – serving an Oink, Oink here and Moo Moo there. Old MacDonald has a restaurant. Eat, I eat, I owe.
13. PTRs – Parsnips, Turnips and Rutabagas. It’s like totally tubular.
14. The Pompous Ass – An architectural marvel. All customers enter through the rear.
15. LGBTQ? It’s Friday – Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
16. Tai Foid’s Bistro – A place where Employees Must Wash Hands, but they don’t
17. Original Grunty’s – Not an actual restaurant. I just like saying Grunty.
18. Grunty’s on Fifth – Once again, not an actual restaurant, I just like saying Fifth.
19. Cordial Ice Cream – A budget version of Friendly Ice Cream. If they become more profitable they promise to plow the money back into cheeriness. But for now they can only manage cordiality.

Bothersome and Encumbered Verbiage for a Saturday Morning

The Officially Revised Rules to the Sequel to Fight Club

The first rule of the original Fight Club was:

You do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of the original Fight Club was:

You DO NOT talk about Fight Club.

In this more charitable sequel, the rules have been updated to reflect a more tolerant pugilistic culture.

The first revised rule of Fight Club Round 2:

1. You may obliquely refer to Fight Club.

The second revised rule of Fight Club Round 2:

2. You may OBLIQUELY refer to Fight Club.

 

Other rules/observations to the sequel Fight Club Round 2 are as follows:

1. If a participant is knocked out, the National Anthem is played so they will spring to their feet through patriotic peer pressure
2. All jock straps will be equipped with air bags to protect against accidental kicks to the groin
3. Chuck Norris is not allowed to compete in Fight Club (unless, of course, he wants to)
4. If a defeated opponent yells “Stop”, taps out or goes limp, the victor must pull down the loser’s pants and yell “Olly olly oxen free.”
5. Fight Club believes (contrary to whatever the American Society of Gastroenterologists might say) that the occasional roundhouse kick to the stomach is actually good for digestion. The same holds true for a right cross to the occipital lobe improving your vision. 
6. Even if you’re a delusional and alienated white collar worker looking for kicks, Fight Club is a really, really stupid thing to do – especially if you’re as good-looking as Brad Pitt
7. This list of rules doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless you’re familiar with Fight Club. And even if you are familiar with it, the list still doesn’t make much sense.
8. In Fight Club you may not use corncob holders as a weapon. However you may use armpit odor.
9. You are not permitted to quote from the Bible while your opponent is in a chokehold. However you may quote from Chuck Norris’s autobiography
10. The channeling of Bruce Lee is recommended. However the channeling of Brenda Lee…not so much
11. If you enjoy fighting recreationally, you might also like our sister group: Colonoscopy Club. The first rule of Colonoscopy Club is: You do not talk about Colonoscopy Club. The second rule is that, due to fumes beyond its control, Colonoscopy Club stinks.

1. Longness of Breath – Why get caught short?
2. Acute Baby – It’s better than an ugly one
3. Vowel Movement – Grammarians recommend 2 to 3 compacted vowel movements a day
4. Chronic Consonant Crowding – To be found in the word shrimp or shrank: 6 letters, 5 consonants 83.3% consonant compliant. Also found in the word catchphrase which has a whopping 6 consecutive consonants – take that syzygy.
5. Pancreatic Fondling – Who doesn’t? Y’know, when you’re alone and no one’s watching
6. Spinal Men-in Black – Greatly preferred over Spinal Meningitis
7. Medium Pox – Get the Pox size that’s right for you!
8. Atrial Fluffernutter – A disease that’s close to my heart
9. Myocardial Infantilism – I don’t even know what I’m talking about here I just like to say “Myocardial Infantilism.”
10. Stereo-nucleosis – Again, it’s greatly preferred over Mono-nucleosis
11. Mono-Poly – A great way to mispronounce Monopoly. Mono-Poly: where the accent’s on fun.
12. Fractured Fairy Tales – Broke my heart to read them
13. One Toke Over the Lyme…disease – When life gives you limes, you make limeade?
14. Help! I’m Coming Apart at the Seams – Well then, you probably need a good screwing.
15. Ack Knee – Greatly preferred to acne
16. Dry Hump – Starts around puberty
17. Lymph Penis Syndrome – Starts around Social Security
18. Freudian Dandruff – A syndrome suffered by flakes
19. Freudian Girdle – Sorry, another Freudian reference – I must be slipping.
20. Chronic Freudian Reference Syndrome – A unique disorder manifested by writer’s with supreme intellijence.
21. Detached Attitude – Could care less about this condition
22. Arrested Leg Syndrome – Gotta walk the line otherwise you get the boot
23. Hepa-tight-ass – When you can’t tip more than 15%
24. Foot in Mouth Disease – When you tell the truth by accident
25. Writers’ Gaffe – When you tell the truth by accident

Dr. Kelly Applewhite, President of the Mount Vernon Ladies Association, recounted her early days at the mansion when she gave tours. She remembers how smart aleck visitors would sometimes peer into the bedroom of George Washington and ask in mock seriousness, “Now is any of his body heat still in the bed?” Many in the tour group would chuckle which drew a furtive look of condemnation from a then youthful Kelly as the contrite wise guy realized he had crossed a line in referring to our illustrious forefather.

 

But maybe this loose cannon wasn’t off target with his flippant jest. In fact it has now been confirmed he hit the bullseye with his remark based on a Homeland Security team’s recent discovery. While on a mission to terror-proof Mount Vernon they were stunned by what they uncovered. The team was utilizing night vision goggles to securitize the national landmark from prospective defilers when specialists noticed an eerie glow emanating from the bed where the Father of Our Country expired on December 14, 1799. Upon closer inspection, and in tandem with expertise provided by Dr. Applewhite, it was conclusively determined through thermal imagery, that the slowly fading heat signature was none other than George Washington’s. The outline was unmistakable; right down to the peculiar heat signature on his left thigh where he’d had an abscess removed in 1793. A less distinct glowing mass to the left of the General’s was described as “of a matronly contour ” and is believed to be that of his loving wife Martha who had crawled into bed and kept vigil over the stricken chieftain that fateful night.

 

Birth of an Avatar

George Washington lives on in the hearts of his countrymen and now in the outline of his body heat still resident in the bed where he died. What lends further credence to this discovery is that it is well-known Martha never spent another night in that room or in that bed after her beloved husband died. She lived her last 3 years in a modest 3^rd floor dormer room heated by a Franklin stove. Records produced by the Mount Vernon Ladies Association who superintend the mansion and the General’s legacy, reveal that upon removal of George Washington’s lifeless body from the four-post bed, it was meticulously remade and sanctified so that no one else would ever disturb the sacred linen bedding where our first President drew his last breath.

 

Thermal image historic preservationists are working diligently to maintain the 219 year-old cooling outline of Mr. Washington’s body before it evanesces into the ethers. They are flatly astonished that this heat energy could be preserved and husbanded in one bed for over two centuries without supernatural intervention. Thermal preservationists said that based on even the most generous thermo-evaporative calculations, his body heat should’ve completely vanished by December 15, 1799. That leaves almost 219 years unaccounted for.

 

Whether a burning communal respect for the General was still providing enduring kindling for the outlined memory of our revered forefather, thermal preservationists weren’t saying. They do however, hope to heat the room to an optimal temperature whereby the dissipating heat of George Washington’s image retains a half-life of 400 years thereby preserving the great man’s thermal signature for generations to come. Of course in their exuberance to preserve a constant yet minimal temperature differential, thermal preservationists run the risk of overheating the room and co-mingling the ambient heat with George Washington’s body heat such that the delicate isothermic outlines of the General’s body lose their ghostly distinction and melt into each other. And while this disappearance would be a loss to posterity, it might be in keeping with the military bearing and sterling character of George Washington.

When and if George Washington’s body heat does surrender its warmth to the surrounding atmosphere, it will echo the words of General Douglas MacArthur who in his resignation speech before congress in 1952 proclaimed, “Old soldiers never die. They just fade away.”

1. Local Bank Stuck Up. Bank manager disagrees. Says employees aren’t pretentious at all.
2. Greta Garbo Places Personal Ad. Evidently she no longer vants to be alone.
3. Astronomer’s All Agree: Babe Ruth’s Head Couldn’t Possibly Get Any Bigger
4. Motion Pictures to be called “Movies”
5. Wretched Economic Conditions to be called “The Depression”
6. Curious Voters Demand to Know: “Why is FDR Always Sitting?”
7. Howard Hughes Starting to Act Weird. Former Housekeeper Says Crawl Spaces Filled with Jars of Urine.
8. Sigmund Freud Believes the Depression is Causing depression
9. Aviator Charles Lindbergh Crosses…His Mother – Marries Anne Morrow
10. Charles Lindbergh Likes to Fly His Plane Fast Against Others. Experts All Agree – He’s a Racist.
11. Nazi Germany Becoming a Little Too Well Organized
12. Italy Asks: WWMD – What Would Mussolini Do?
13. America Asks: What’s the Deal with the New Deal?
14. The Beatles Invade New York City. ////I know. It’s from the 60s, but I just love the Beatles.
15. Country Loses Productivity as Millions Waste Time Listening to the Wireless
16. John Steinbeck Encouraged to Change Book Title from The Wrath of Grapes
17. Mickey Mouse Still Wearing a Diaper Despite Being 7 Years Old Now
18. Sediment from Dust Bowl Packaged as Ovaltine
19. Warren Beatty & Faye Dunaway Born. Will Grow Up to Become Bonnie & Clyde
20. Black Speedster Jesse Owens Wins 4 Gold Medals at Berlin Olympics. Indignant Hitler Fills Them with Chocolate.
21. Architects Hold Up Bank. Claim it’s the only way to prevent it from sagging.
22. Playtex Holds Up Mae West. Claim it’s the only way to prevent her from sagging.
23. Archaeologists Begin Search for Eleanor Roosevelt’s Chin.
24. Hindenburg Hoax Continues. Dirigible Seen Intact in Stuttgart. “Oh the Duplicity.”
25. Miss America Marries Mr. Universe. Gives Birth to Baby Ruth
26. Einstein Beginning to Wash Hair in Static Electricity
27. Prohibition Ends Today: Entire Country Hungover Tomorrow
28. Jazz Music and Marijuana Corrupting America’s Youth. One Must Be Made Illegal!

1. 

   Costco: A bulwark against consumer timidity. You know you love us.

   Whirlpool Water Hardener: Who wants soft water when these days you need all the minerals you can get. So what if your hair is always sudsy.

2. An actual size Map of the United States in 1:1 scale. A must when 100% accuracy is required. Folds neatly and fits into most any airplane hangar. Also comes in a thin sponge version you can soak in water to expand.
3. 12-pak Brunswick Bowling Balls: Makes a great stocking stuffer…if your stocking is made of tungsten-carbide chainmail. Possibly the last bowling ball 12-pak you’ll ever buy…and probably the only one too.
4. 5 gallon drum Visine Eye Drops: Comes with matching eye-drop cozy. “Visine. It gets the Red out.” Very popular in the dispensary community.
5. $500,000 Applebee’s gift card for $499,900 – a $100 savings! Note: Card expires 3 months after purchase.
6. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Plutonium: Try our trendy new Plutonium substitute and you won’t be able to tell the difference either. Comes with a lead codpiece.
7. Fresh from our in-store bakery: Above ground pool-sized Apple Pie. This economical deep dish pie comes in 1, 2 and 3 foot depths.
8. Drive-thru Artificial Insemination. Choose from a variety of heirloom quality baby batters. Complimentary turkey baster is yours to keep. Returns not allowed on this product.
9. 42 gallon barrel of Embalming Fluid. Don’t be caught short this season.
10. Gucci Shoe Lifts: Don’t be caught short.
11. Guccione’s Penis Elongater: Don’t be caught short.
12. Black & Decker’s Burglary Tools for Dwarfs: Don’t be caught short.
13. Hane’s Long Johns: Don’t be caught short.
14. Don’t Be Caught Short: A fun new board game from Milton Bradley.
15. 35 lb. lifetime supply of Fleischman’s Dry Active Yeast. It’s dry and active – like an Alcoholics Anonymous member who exercises regularly.
16. Drive-thru Cremation for Pets. Pet must “no longer be with us.” Use your Frequent Cremators Card and get the 3^rd pet incinerated for free. Your choice of cinder granulation: Smooth or Crunchy. Tupperware Urn included.
17. Lifetime supply of Flintstone Vitamins. Note: This is a lifetime supply if your life were to end in 60 days.
18. Bariatric Surgery. Must weigh at least 450 lbs. naked, however clothing is greatly preferred.
19. Kirkland’s 13-foot Sub for $1.50. A highly versatile sandwich. You can eat it or operate the sub underwater.
20. Assisted Suicide Kit. Possibly the last assisted suicide kit you’ll ever have to buy. For obvious reasons, financing is not available. Guaranteed results otherwise we send over a guy named Vinnie to finish the job.
21. Book: TSA Frisking for Dummies. Frisk anyone without offending them. Or, if they want to be offended, learn that too. You’ll start by frisking yourself, then your pets and eventually you’ll graduate to the Air Fargo Passenger Hangar in North Dakota.
22. 88 lb. family-sized Wetzel Pretzel. This novelty pretzel comes with 6 lbs. of yellow mustard and a pretzel dolly for transport.
23. Give your kidneys a break with a Hasbro’s Personal Dialysis Your kidneys work hard 24/7. Why not giv’em a little vacation and let someone else do the blood filtering. Comes in regular or menthol for those who prefer minty fresh hemoglobin. May bundle with Mattel’s Go Anywhere Ventilator^© for even greater savings. Why should you have to do all the breathing all the time?
24. 45-pak Gillette Moustache Combs. These handy little combs can be used in grooming any number of bodily areas featuring short curly hair.
25. Space Tourism at down to earth prices. For $1,000,000 reserve a seat on an Elon Musk Space-X Rocket that takes you to the moon and back. Experience weightlessness while dining on Gordon Ramsey’s out-of-this-world cuisine. Note: $25 surcharge per bag (even when it’s weightless). May upgrade to a full space suit instead of just breathing from the little margarine cup mask that drops down once you leave earth’s orbit. Kosher meals available. Must be able to pass a zero-gravity bathroom activity test.
26. One metric ton Chex Party Mix. It’s the last metric ton of snacks you’ll ever have to buy – and probably the only one too. Great for bomb shelters and other apocalyptic living spaces.
27. Pallet of Trident Chewing Gum forklifted directly from our warehouse to your garage. Make great stocking stuffers…if for some reason you have to stuff 48 million stockings.

 

1. 

   Bumper sticker seen at a Renaissance Faire.

   Make Sparta Great Again!

2. You Have to Admit, Vlad the Impaler does make some good points
3. Pyramids are for Squares
4. Serf Lives Matter
5. Sodom is for Lovers
6. If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults
7. It’s all Olaf’s Fault
8. Eating Rotten Apples Contributes to Global Worming
9. I got my rocks off at Stonehenge
10. My other wagon is a Cadillac
11. OK Renaissance…we’re waiting.
12. Enough with the spices already. Maybe we could spend less than 95% of our GDP in the search for seasonings and invest a little in sewage control.
13. DaVinci Fondled Me. #Et tu Leonardo
14. Question Charlemagne
15. Robin Hood is a Socialist Income Redistributor
16. Galileo thinks He’s the center of the universe
17. I visited BarbarianLand. The happiest place on God’s flat Earth.
18. I got debauched at Pirates of the Mediterranean.
19. All We Are Say-ing, Is Give Huns a Chance
20. If blunderbusses are outlawed, only outlaws will have blunderbusses
21. I never sleep alone…thanks to my bedbugs
22. May your fireplace always be sooty and your stool forever compacted
23. Make Soap, Not War
24. We really need the soap, what with all the soot and everything
25. Occupy King John! You try eating turnips 11½ months out of the year. No more tubers…Magna Carta now!!!
26. Occupy Valhalla! It’s almost 1063 and to date only a total of 3 Vikings have had any fun at all. Being Norse sucks.
27. The Plague is Gods Way of Punishing Free Thinkers
28. Does the concept of “germs” mean anything to you Neanderthals?
29. If blow darts are outlawed, only outlaws will have blow darts
30. Pat Paulsen for President
31. A heavier than air machine? It’ll never fly.
32. Queen Elizabeth the 1^st is a Royal pain in the arse
33. Guillotine has lost his head
34. When it says Libbys Libbys Libbys on the label, label, label, you will like it, like it, like it on the table, table, table.

 

1. 

   This would be everyone’s Coat of Arms.

   There’d be a Martin Luther Briscoe Blvd in every major city.

3. Jesus Christ would be known as Jesus Briscoe and when people were really exasperated they’d say, “Oh Jesus H Briscoe!”
5. If I said, “The artist formerly known as Briscoe” you’d know I was talking about Prince.
7. Abercrombie & Fitch would be known as Briscoe & Briscoe. Then again, so would Simon and Garfunkel.
9. Daniel Day-Lewis…Daniel Briscoe-Briscoe
11. And you can be damn sure Chuck Norris would still be called Chuck Norris!
13. Stormy Briscoe…’nuff said.
15. If you saw a long lost buddy in the distance at a baseball game and yelled out, “Hey Briscoe, is that you?” The entire crowd would turn to you and say, “Of course it is.”
17. 80% of late night talk show hosts would be named Jimmy Briscoe.
19. Muhammad Ali would’ve changed his name from Cassius Briscoe to Muhammad Briscoe
21. The happiest places on earth would be Briscoeland and Briscoe World.
23. Pharmacies would have one big plastic “B” bin for all the prescriptions to go in.
25. The FBI’s 10 Most Wanted Criminals would become more difficult to track down.
27. On the other hand, if a criminal used an alias it would have to be Briscoe.
29. This Briscoe name thing is really no different than the way it is right now, having the name “Kim” in North Korea.
31. The Tom Hanks/bulldog buddy movie Turner & Hooch would become Briscoe & Hooch. But the Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep movie Kramer vs. Kramer would become Briscoe vs. Briscoe and would star Dustin Briscoe and Meryl Briscoe.
33. The fabled baseball poem Tinkers to Evers to Chance would lose some of its magic because Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
35. Even if everyone’s last name was Briscoe, Kanye West would still be known as an idiot.
37. Abbot & Costello’s classic baseball skit Who’s on First would morph into a pointless Briscoe’s on First, because every player on the field would be named Briscoe. The skit might sound like this:
    • Who’s on first?
    • It’s not Who. It’s Briscoe. Briscoe’s on 1^st.
    • I thought Who was the 2^nd
    • That’s Briscoe.
    • So Briscoe’s on 1^st and Briscoe’s on 2^nd, well then Who’s at shortstop?
    • Who is not the shortstop. Briscoe is the shortstop.
    • You mean to tell me if they made a double play it would be Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe?
    • But we like to call it Tinkers to Evers to Chance.

Now that I think of it, maybe it would be funny if everyone’s name in that skit was Briscoe. In any event the skit would be performed by Briscoe & Briscoe which is Abbot & Costello and not to be confused with Simon & Garfunkel. Read the rest of this entry »